confessions, control and being in love with a pixie

I learn more about pixie every time I am with her. Pardon the cliche but she is like an onion with a million  layers that need to be pulled away before you can get to what is inside. There are times when I think I have reached the core of her and I find another layer that requires peeling. My need to understand how she thinks and why she thinks it has become an admitted obsession. She takes great pleasure in teasing me about what she calls my OCD. She has the ability to play many roles and there are times when I can almost forget who she is- so I search for her core to hold onto. She tells me I am looking too hard, searching too deep and who she is is actually all of what she shows me even if it appears in the form of an onion.

I admit I am not too far beyond the lady in public and the wild insatiable tigress in the bed mentality.

I love that about pixie. She can be both when she wants to be. When she is on my arm she is entertaining and gregarious and charming. Yet there is that part of her that she says she doesn’t see. That thing she does to get the waiter to practically live at our table. She can’t just order she has to pull him in and charm him. She flirts- it drives me crazy and they fall all over her. Yes, I KNOW it is childish. Welcome to my world- jealousy is an emotion that pixie inspires. . She is flirtatious and fun and does it with a grace and innocent style that almost convinces me she doesn’t do it on purpose. Almost.

I am a lucky man but right now I can’t enjoy it because all I want to do is lock her up so I am the only one who can have that from her. I used to be different and I used to have a handle on feelings like this. No lie- I have to get my game back…my mo-jo perhaps. I have the ability to completely Dominate pixie- and I use it. It is elemental in our relationship and is a layer of the foundation that we are building our future on. I have her consent to do with her as I desire and she is responsive and eager to please me. I find her pliable, submissive and obedient.  Yet there is a part of me that struggles with the feeling that she is 100% in control of me and this relationship. She may kneel and obey me but who is the true submissive here? I’d do anything in the world for her and find myself doing it eagerly. She mentions something she wants and I am on it. We talk about places we want to see together and I find myself planning trips. It is as if my one purpose in life is to make her smile and to keep her happy. I realize I am doing it and that I have this retarded smile on my face the entire time.

Where is the man I used to be? I have never treated women the way I treat pixie. She inspires jealousy in me but that’s not even the whole of it. I am fiercely protective of her. Hello? Where am I, who am I? I talk about her layers but it is my own layers that are falling away.  There has never been a woman in my life that I wanted to know where she was all of the time. It isn’t a trust issue either. It is a desire to see her safe and protected, to baby her and spoil her. And this is the girl who bought me a cane? Is it any wonder my mind is  fucked up right now?

One day last week she spent the day giving me her ‘don’t you wish we were in bed’ look. I responded with the ‘yes darling because I want to wildly fuck you’  look. Every chance she had she whispered something erotic to me. I was hard all day and thankful I had jeans on. Her erotic whisperings weren’t innocent sexual innuendoes they were raw and calculated explicit suggestions from wondering how my belt would feel to innocently asking my dad a question about his ability to tie knots (we were on a boat and yes he remained thankfully clueless to our exchange) being genetic. By the time we were on dry land and in our suite all I could think about was fucking her. Not just fucking her but ripping off her clothes -bending her across the bed and pounding my hard cock deep in her cunt. We walked in the room and she disappeared to freshen up. We would shower together later I told her on the walk back. I also told her she had one minute in the bathroom. I took off my clothes and waited for her. She emerged wearing a white baby doll nighty and an innocent face. Gone was the eager little slut who had teased me all day. She was all ribbons, lace and eye lashes. I found myself on shifting ground. How do I rip THAT off of her? How do I ignore the urge to pick her up and gently carry her to bed when all day all I could think about was having her suck my cock after I make her crawl ass up around the room?

It isn’t that I am just learning about pixie. I am learning about being a Dom all over again. Everything is different with her. Everything is different when you are madly in love with your submissive. Everything is different. I’ve stopped rejecting the philosophy that it is the submissive who has control. I have it all yet I have none. So why am I smiling?

my trail

“The heart breaks and breaks and lives by breaking 

It is necessary to go through dark and deeper dark

And not to turn…I am looking for the trail.” –Stanley Kunitz

 

I feel I’ve turned a corner. Liam feels it too. I’ve decided that it hurts too much and it is too hard to continue to keep parts of myself clutched in my hands hidden away from Liam. Last night he spent the night with me. We had spent the day with my family and it felt natural and right. As if he had been that missing piece all along. After it was quiet and everyone had either left or had fallen asleep we sought refuge in my bedroom. Again- it felt right having him there….passing in the doorway of my bathroom to brushing our teeth beside each other passing glances in the mirror. It just felt right.

“Why are you smiling?” I asked him in the mirror feeling quite charmed by the look on his face. Not quite smug- but satisfied and happy.

“Am I smiling?” He asked me knowing I hate to ask a question only to have him answer it with a question. We played a game late one night while I was in the hospital and took turns listing the most annoying things people could do and he had laughed because that was in my top three. Ever since then he has made a point to thrown a question in to follow one of my own. Somehow when he does it I don’t find it annoying. “I am smiling because I love you…because you are opening back up to me and I no longer feel as if there is a wall between us.”

“Is that how I made you feel; as if there was a wall there?”

“You know that is how I felt. It has been there for a long time and just when a brick crumbled it would be cemented back into place.  The wall was tall and strong though entirely too old for you.” He laughed and wasn’t being mean spirited at all so I laughed with him.

“Stop.” I said dropping my toothbrush in the cup between the sinks (imagine me needing double bathroom sinks….yikes!). I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his bare chest. His skin is so tight and smooth and he smells perfect. He is taller than I am but not so tall that I feel like a midget with him. He hugged me back and I felt his chin rest against my head and his hands climb beneath the back of my night shirt. He stroked me softly and I tingled. I kissed his chest and allowed my lips to graze his nipple. I watched as it hardened instantly into this dark deep brownish red nub. His chest is muscular and I feel his muscles tighten under my hands. I lick his nipple with the tip of my tongue and swirl my tongue around it nipping it. Instantly I feel his cock harden and press against my thigh.

“I thought you were sleepy?” Liam asked me holding me tighter against him. “If you have a hope in hell of going to sleep in the next few hours you will stop.”

“I didn’t say I was sleepy….I said take me to bed.” I nipped at his other nipple and he pulled my night shirt over my head pushing me back away from him just a little. He cupped my breasts in his hands and pulled at both of nipples twisting each of them…a little harder than is his norm. I took a step back and he didn’t let go for a second allowing the resistance to tug at my nipples. “You like that…I like touching you this way. But when you look at me like that…sometimes I want you not to.”

I took another step back this time a little taken back at what he said. “How do I look at you?” I felt the coolness of the glass shower door against my naked back and I leaned into it looking up at him.

“Like you would let me do anything I wanted to do to you….yet there is a rawness there- a vulnerability in your eyes that makes me want to just hold you. I admit that I don’t always know what you need, I don’t always know what is best for you. Sometimes I feel this urge to just fuck you….even when I am making love to you, sometimes there is this pull to take you harder or faster or to fuck you again even after I know you’ve had enough. I tell myself I could never hurt you….yet there have been times when I know I could. Only that would make me no better than Richard and you deserve better than that.”

This wasn’t the time to try and explain to him again that when Richard hurt me it was because we both felt it- we both needed it and shared that amazing connection. I was willing. I am a masochist, I was Richard’s masochist. This conversation wasn’t about Richard and even though Liam threw his name into it this was about Liam opening up to me and showing me a willingness to learn about what I needed and his own needs. He was being open and incredibly transparent about feelings he had always rejected before. I let him talk.

“Like the other night…at my house remember?” I remembered. We were downstairs in his living area and we were watching a movie. Halfway through the movie he had pulled me down on the floor and told me to stay on my knees. A few minutes later he pulled the large leather ottoman over in front of the couch so I could lean my chest against it. He sat behind me and rested his feet on either side of me on the ottoman. He obviously had perfect access to my bare bottom. His hands were exploring me and I felt a slippery finger press slightly into my bottom. I squirmed away a little yet he held me there between his legs. “Hold still.” He said and his voice was stern in that quiet sort of way that I respond to. I tried hard to relax but knew I wasn’t quite ready for what he was doing…and I said that to him. “Be quiet…this isn’t about you, is it?” Liam spanked my bottom hard three or four times when I shifted again. “I said…Hold Still.” His finger slipped into my bottom again….deeper this time and he moved it in and out slowly. I felt incredibly submissive to him at that moment- overpowered and taken- all feelings that I like. I liked when he told me that he loved how his handprints were red on my bottom…and how he spanked me again just to keep my bottom red. His finger probed me deeper and I moaned. I really couldn’t take it anymore so I squirmed away from him and he let me turn around so I was kneeling between his legs. I leaned up to let him kiss me and he kissed me hard on the lips…I asked him if I could please suck his cock and of course he said yes. 

“Yes I remember the other night. What about it?”

“What I really wanted to do was to fuck your ass. You were kneeling there in front of me and there was nothing- nothing stopping me from just taking you. And for some reason I let you take over….and even though you asked me- even though you were acting with proper protocol before sucking my cock I wanted my cock buried in your ass….not your mouth.” 

Liam and I haven’t had anal sex yet…he knows that I like it. He knows Richard took me that way often…and I think he is nervous about taking me that way because of how hesitant I’ve been.

 “When you turned around and looked at me all thoughts of making you or forcing you to do something just fell away. It makes me wonder if I love you too much to hurt you…does that make any sense to you at all?”

I sighed and stepped back towards Liam wrapping my arms around his waist liking the feel of his skin against my breasts.

“Liam, you don’t have to be anything to me you aren’t ready to be. You don’t have to hurt me to please me.” We had had that conversation before. And it was true. I didn’t need to be a masochist with Liam…I wanted to be new with him…I didn’t want him to feel as if I would compare him to anyone else.

“That’s what I’m trying to tell you…the other night I wanted to hurt you. When you turned around and asked to suck my cock I wanted to tell you no….I wanted to turn you back around and just fuck you regardless of what you wanted or said.  For a minute it wouldn’t have mattered if you cried or asked me to stop- I wanted what I wanted and I worry that if there is too much room in this relationship for me to treat you that way that is the path I will take. If you looked at me with anything other than trust I couldn’t handle it. You offer me this yet I don’t know if I take advantage of you by taking what you offer.” 

Liam is struggling with this….dominating me is easy for him. I respond to it naturally and I want him to take it further. When he is ready- I didn’t realize how ready he was.

I knew this wasn’t a problem that was going to be solved standing in my bathroom at midnight. And I told Liam that. I told him that I was ready to go wherever he led me and that he would have to trust me. I told him I loved him and I meant it….I do love him very much and I hurt that he is struggling with how to handle me. I think he feels as if there is this perfect dominant that he needs to live up to…that if he can’t make me feel just what Richard did or do to me everything that Richard could then it somehow won’t be enough. I told him that he needed to take this relationship and turn it into something that works for both of us….that we are and will continue to find our own sync. I felt an amazing rush of tenderness for him and I felt so incredibly lucky to be loved by him -that he has stood by me for as long as he has. We made a step forward this weekend- he trusts me more and I  feel more his than I ever have. I told him that for everything Richard and I had we never had the chance to love and live in this dynamic as openly as he and I had the chance to do. He understood that and I think he sees maybe for the first time that what we have can be as amazing as what I had with Richard- only it will become that in its own way and its own time. For now we are in love….I am submissive to him and that grows everyday. Whatever he offers me outside that will be at his pace- and I’m OK with that.

We are growing together as a couple both in and out our role of Dominant and submissive….the fun part is watching them merge.

Tonight- repost from November 07′

Sometimes I am overcome by the sadness that envelopes me when I think that one day Richard won’t be in my life. It rushes to me, covers me and crushes me even when I push it away. Thoughts are like that sometimes.

I look forward in my mind even when I know that I shouldn’t. I imagine a day when we both know it is our last day together. The last time he touches my face or when his hand releases my own for what we know will be the last time. The last time his lips brush my skin or his hands pull me beneath him. It will be there on his calendar, it isn’t there now but we both know one day it will. Maybe it will be written in red ink…maybe someone will even circle it and eventually boldly mark through it not even realizing what it is they’ve wiped away.

I wonder what it is that I will remember the most. I hope it won’t be the pain of losing him. I hope that our last days together won’t be spent focused on the goodbye. I want every second now and going forward with him to be a reflection of what we mean to each other and how real..how truly surprisingly real this has become between us. I think that sometimes Richard is seen as one sided on my blog. I know he seems harsh and sadistic. He is. There is another side to him. A side that I love and crave as much as I love and crave the darker side of my handsome Owner. The soft side of him is who I needed after Max and Alex.I remember the taxi ride back to my hotel with Max…trying to keep up with the soft conversation he was offering me and losing track…losing focus because I knew that back in my room was my connection to Richard. I think at that moment I would have done anything to have him greet me at the door or for him to be waiting for me in the lobby….and not sitting states away from me wondering how it was going. I think Max knew I was anxious to let Richard know that I was alright. A soft kiss, a whispered goodbye… and he was gone..leaving me to my thoughts for barely a second before I found my Owner online. He told me to turn my cam on that he wanted to see me. “You’ve been crying.” he stated, it wasn’t a question or a judgment. It just was.

I simply said…”I want to come home.”

A pause…and then “I am on your airline page…give me your confirmation number.” Two minutes later a ticket home a day early was in my email in-box. He flew me home a day early and picked me up at the airport.

It wasn’t as if this experience is laced with regrets, it isn’t. It made me reflect on many things. I like Max and Alex so much and so throughly enjoyed my time with them that I could never say I regretted it. It changed me and showed me some things about myself. It also made me appreciate my Owner…the freedom he allows me to explore my fantasies…to lead a ‘normal’ life with my boyfriend all the while offering unwavering support.

I had so many emotions facing him that day. Looking for displeasure or maybe even disgust in his eyes for what I did. I only saw love and concern and a desire to help me process all of what I was feeling. I couldn’t sleep the night before and he wanted me to rest. He laid me down in the middle of his huge bed and covered me up…he made me a snack…he made me laugh. We talked and talked and I shared with him all that I was ready to share…he patiently waited for the rest of it. I think he is still patiently waiting for the rest of it. He laid down beside me and pulled me as close to him as possible…so close I felt his heart through my back and our breathing merged in a lovers rhythm that one only recognizes after many nights wrapped in each other’s arms. I felt restless…thinking too much I guess. His hands on my back..in my hair..tracing the outline of my mouth… my ear.. my chin soothed me, quieted my heart and my unsettled mind so I could drift off to sleep.

His mouth was close to my ear…so close his warm breath tickled my skin. He started to sing to me…..my sadistic Dominant, the man who forces cries from my lips and ignores hot tears on my face began to sing to me…his words broke my heart. I will remember them always.

Well the sun is surely sinking down,
but the moon is slowly rising.
So this old world must still be spinning around,
and I still love you.

It won’t be long before another day.
We’re gonna have a good time.
And no one’s gonna take that time away.
You can stay as long as you like.

 

His words were soft and quiet. The voice one would use with a fretful child. He told me later there was more to the song. The rest of it I wasn’t ready to hear just yet. One day he said I could listen to the words and smile…that I could hear the song and just remember him ..remember us and none of the sadness would be there. I doubt it. I know that because I asked him for the rest of the song and he sent it to me. Foolish girl…why did you play it?

So close your eyes;
you can close your eyes, it’s all right.
I don’t know no love songs,and I can’t sing the blues any more.
But I can sing this song,
and you can sing this song
when I’m gone.

 

I never realized someone else’s words could burrow so deeply into my heart and break it from the inside. It was one of the moments that paused even the air around me. It was a moment that I will be able to perfectly recall for the rest of my life….and I hope that one day I will do what he says. That I can remember the words and the soft voice that whispered them in my ear and smile.

 

 

learning about pixie

Pixie is getting settled into her new role. She seems happy and at peace with where we are and with all the changes I have encouraged her to make. I acknowledged to pixie that there were parts of her relationship with Richard that were beneficial to her. She acknowledged to me that there were parts of her relationship with him that hurt her. She is less defensive of him now though I do not see that as progress for her as much as resignment  and a resistance to not discuss him with me any longer. I’ve asked her why she has not written anything here and she tells me she isn’t ready. She also tells me this blog seems less like hers now that I can write here whenever I desire.  I have reassured pixie that my access to her blog is limited and a time will come when I will turn it back over to her fully. Right now I feel the desire to protect her and my presence here helps me do that. Make no mistake pixie, this is still YOUR blog and I miss your writing and the peace it gives you.

I enjoyed reading the comments made here after my last post. I am also pleased pixie was able to see my point of view mirrored in the writing of others. If I struggle with anything it is pixie’s need for pain though right now it is not a major issue. I fear one day it may be a wedge between us. I honestly do not know if I am capable of hurting her or of even understanding her need to feel that. It’s easy for me to dominate her- I am natural in that role and pixie offers her submission to me with an innocent trust that I want to be worthy of. I like knowing she wants to please me and I love having her tied to my bed or across my lap yet a cane sits in my closet (a gift from pixie) and I don’t want to touch it. I do not want pixie to see me as a weak dominant because I am not sadistic. I look at her and she seems fragile, delicate and younger than she even is. The idea of using a cane is arousing. I’ve thought of it often yet for some reason it isn’t pixie I imagine using it on. If you knew her, if you saw her you would understand why. I love her. I don’t want to hurt her.  Help me to understand that.

The intensity of our connection as I dominate her continues to amaze me and the more I feed that to her the more she responds to it.  My role with her in that aspect of our relationship is borderless and yet clearly defined. As her trust in me continues to grow her obedience both in and out of bed is becoming something I can rely on.  The strength that gives me is something unexpected and I find that my desire to do right by pixie grows every time she gifts me with that trust. I love her, have I already said that? Pixie- I love you and I know what I am asking of you now is hard. I know you feel sad sometimes because you feel restricted. I know you will want to see Richard and I know you will attempt to do it behind my back. I only hope that as what we have grows and becomes more real to you that you will be able to embrace it as something you’ve wanted all along. I see a girl who struggles with being controlled even as she seeks it out. I see a girl who needs a firm hand, a loving hand and mistakes that sometimes with a need to feel abased or abused. I can love you and give you everything you think you don’t want or need if only you will let me.

Stop fighting me.

patience

Pixie is making some changes right now in her life. Some she has initiated. Some I have requested/demanded of her and she has obeyed me- others I have requested/demanded of her and we are openly discussing them. There are some things I have asked of her that she has refused to even consider. This blog is one example. I have asked pixie to stop blogging here. Blog if she must I told her yet this blog should be a closed book. She has made the decision to continue writing here. I have conditionally allowed her to not close it. One condition is that I have admin rights to her blog. I have assured her that I will not alter anything she writes or ask her not to post something she has written. I simply want to be a part of this. Pixie needs monitored right now- in a way I see an emerging role I have in her life as protector. I want to protect her from her own weaknesses.

I’ve forbidden her to have a physical relationship with anyone outside of me. She has agreed.

I have also asked her to not have any contact with Richard. I have more reasons for this request than I can list here yet the main one is that I believe ANY ongoing contact or communication with Richard is not good for her. I believe many of her readers would agree with me. If you do I would appreciate your input. His use of her has been disgraceful. His selfishness boundless. He has damaged her emotionally and continues to do so. I have told pixie there will come  a day when she is issued a true ultimatum and she best take it seriously. I refuse to share her. Not with S and not with Richard. I know she is working through that right now and letting him go fully will not feel good to her until it is done. My technique with pixie has always been brutal honesty. I call them as I see them so to speak and my commentary regarding Richard has been no different. I could list specific instances where the emotional pain he caused her was so intense it changed who she was and how she saw herself. As recently as this past week I was placed in the position of cleaning up a mess he made. I refuse to do it again. I love her too much to allow her to be hurt by him further- especially now.

I am pixie’s dominant. I know, her readers know how seriously she takes that and what her submission means to her. As her dominant I intend to continue setting boundaries for her and perhaps re-teach her why her submission is a gift. She is a beautiful, loving girl and this time I am not walking away. I have a better understanding of where her head was the past couple of years. It will take time to pull her away from all that became normal to her while she was submissive to Richard. I am not a sadist. Do I enjoy hurting pixie? I can answer this with both a yes and a no. I risk contradicting myself with both answers. Yes- I like to spank her, I love the sound and the smell of leather if I use my belt on her. I love how her skin pinkens and marks. I love how her small hands look on the other side of leather cuffs and I love having her tied helpless and vulnerable while I fuck her. Would I make her bleed? No. Would I cut her, break her skin or pierce her with anything other than my cock- Again, no.  Everything I do to pixie is pleasurable to her. Everything I ask her to do to me is pleasurable to her. I honor her and she does the same to me. I also take extreme delight in making love to her. Savoring her, devouring her and showing her she is worthy of all that lacked in her relationship with Richard. I have pixie used to calling me anytime she feels like it- without permission. She knows when I love her, when I take her not only will she fall asleep in my arms but when she wakes up I will be there. I have never left her broken. I will never make her feel used or dirty or forgotten. She is learning again what it feels like to be someones priority, to be someones focus and how it feels to be loved by a man who does not see her as dispensable. She knows how it feels to be the one on the pedestal. I have told her it is not good for her to always look up. I literally cherish her beyond all reason and refuse- REFUSE to let anyone use or hurt her again. To meet this goal I have decided to be strict with pixie. My demands right now are high and she is struggling yet she will be better for it. She will do as she is told but I only ask for her submission out of love and respect. She is the bravest of anyone I have ever known. I am asking her to sacrifice people she cares about. People she sees as good but are not good for her. I won’t have her hurt anymore.

As her dominant, as her lover that is my right and my responsibility. -Liam

love, pixie

I’ve come to the conclusion that most lessons, even the ones learned through tears and pain are good lessons. I tend to focus on the major and sometimes forget that it is usually the small day to day lessons that have the ability to change how I see and interact with the world. Of course there are those that would say everything is ‘major’ with me half drama queen that I am- part of my charm I would argue.

I’m not sure why I started this post talking about lessons. My intent was to write somewhat of a tribute to Richard. This past weekend was the two year anniversary of when we met.  It was a day that forever changed us both. Of course this is classified firmly in my head as major btw.  Meeting Richard changed my life in ways I could have never imagined. With him I experienced feelings and sensations that were only dreams before. Both good and bad I learned from him. I can honestly say I don’t regret knowing him and I don’t regret  the pieces of myself that I left with him or the pieces of him that I carry with me still today. 

I’ve had the chance to spend a lot of time reading earlier posts. I’ve also spent time reading the comments left by Richard throughout- and especially early on- in the archives of my blog. Opening my blog up to Liam has forced me to revisit a lot of my experiences and it has been interesting to see it all through another’s eyes.  Early on even Liam pointed out that a lesson Richard was trying to teach me was that love was good and real and that I was worthy of it. He pointed out month by month – or in this case week by week (day by day?) the rather quick progression Richard and I made from strangers to Dominant/submissive to Owner/pet…and throughout we remained lovers and friends. It all grew and evolved quickly and several times Richard pointed out the importance of spending lots of time with me to firmly establish his role in my life. Liam saw the progression of Richard’s comments turn more and more intimate and even before Richard openly admitted his love for me on my blog Liam knew Richard was in love with me- and I him.  Again- it was interesting seeing this progression through Liam’s eyes. I’m going to begin pulling snippets of archival posts and re-post them from time to time. I think there are lessons to be learned not to mention the addicting erotic nature of our interactions.

Like I said- Richard taught me valuable life lessons. There were times he seemed almost paternal to me- he was adamant that I not walk away from him at the end of ‘us’ believing love was elusive or that for some reason it was for other people and not for me. He taught me that even when loves hurts or ends it is worth it. He taught me that by loving me- fully and completely he loved me and of that I have no doubt.  What made that so amazing to me was the openness in which he spoke of it and the ways he shared his love with me. Some of my readers judged Richard for his cruelty- for his obvious sadistic side. Many comments were written as warning to me to use caution- to be careful. Most understood the consensual nature of our dynamic and understood that for a man as sadistic as Richard I was the perfect masochist.  Richard and I spoke often- and actually recently about my inability to capture the feelings that floated around the room when we interacted. I tried- there were times when I could recall the feeling of an exact moment or response yet I could never capture the essence of Richard and pixie. I always believed that if someone could see an interaction with us from beginning to end they would see a different side of the sadist. They would appreciate the pain and agony of separation and understand that the process was long to get where I am today- moving on for me and I know for Richard too ….to use Richard’s word has been bittersweet.

There was a post where I described Richard as being infinitely tender. Most readers by passed that comment because I believe it was the same post where he drew blood on me for the first time. Focus on the important.   I would describe him that way still today.  He was tender with me. He cherished me, loved me and there was never a time even when it was hard, even when we both regretted some choices we made when I doubted him.  That was the essence of us- the rawness of D/s…S/m followed by tenderness and gentleness at his hands. I remember interactions with him that rendered us speechless, breathless- moments where we connected so deeply it was truly as if we had merged into one person. He described it to me that way sometimes…is desire to crawl into me- to become one with me and that was a perfect description. There were moments when he would touch me…either with his cane or belt or even with the soft stroke of his hand against my cheek and his eyes would close as if he was soaking me in. I think that he was. I think it was in moments like that, the intimate moments where our power exchange was rivaled by the exchange of love between us our feelings grew and grew. It was in the way he looked at me or in his voice when he held me afterwards as he stroked my hair or my back and told me again and again how much he loved me, how amazing I was and how perfectly dominant my submission made him feel. Liam said again and again as he read of our interactions…”God this man loved you”.  To Liam it validated choices I made to hold back from him- he understood for the first time how I couldn’t possible just walk away from Richard- even for Liam.

Richard and I spoke often of how as my submission grew his dominance grew- he would often joke and tell me I had ruined him for all other submissives. I think he still believes that to be true. We spoke the other day about him finding a new sub and it is apparent to me the urge in him is very strong. I jokingly told him he didn’t need a submissive and he pointed out that I am not lacking for a Dom so why shouldn’t he? My response was he needed a real submissive…one like me and he said another me didn’t exist.  I think he needs a masochist that can meet him at the level where I left off….I think Richard does not want to teach right now. He needs an experienced masochist and someone who doesn’t require or draw out that tender, loving side of him. I fear his marriage could not survive another affair of the heart. We had that- in a way we have that still. He still tells me he loves me, that he always will and it is no secret I will carry love for him with me until the day I die.  Bittersweet.  He called his love for me the purest love of all….and when he used that I misunderstood him. I pushed back and thought he meant his love for L within their marriage. He explained he let me go- and let me let him go ultimately to end my pain….regardless of what he wanted, regardless of how letting me walk away from him would hurt him he did so because it was best for me…..and in spite of his known and proven ability to reel me back in with a word or a touch- he let me go.  Sacrifice he said -he sacrificed me ultimately for my own happiness- that is the purest love of all he said. To me looking back knowing what I mean to him …even through all the shared pain it was the greatest gift he could have given me.  It was selfless and I love him for it. He paid a high price for me, is paying it still and that is something I can’t fix or take away.  Yet he says it was worth it- every second.

Before reading my blog archives and Richard’s responses Liam doubted I was anything but a plaything to Richard- a toy. He walked away stunned by the connection and deep love that Richard held for me. Liam looked at me and said- “I never really stood a chance back then, did I?”  No Liam- you didn’t and I can’t say I’m sorry for that. I am sorry for your pain yet even you acknowledge that before Richard you may have never stood a chance with me simply because I wasn’t whole. Richard healed parts of me that I didn’t know were still raw and bleeding. He gave me a safe place to whisper all of my secrets and when I did that I slowly became the girl I am now. I have embraced truth and honesty with Liam and with S; I couldn’t have done that before.  When Liam tells me he loves me I not only know it is the truth but think…of course you do- what’s not to love?  Lol…ok, slight dramatization yet you get my point. I am able to look back on my time with Richard and see it as a great magical once in a lifetime gift- we shared pleasure unknown to many people and a connection misunderstood by most.  Richard saved me in many ways…all the pieces of me that I had hidden or lost he held them and cleaned them up and gave them back. He cried with me when I whispered things to him I had never spoken aloud  and then loved me more afterwards. He taught me about love and sacrifice…loss and courage….happiness  and bitter pain. I am better for having loved him- better for being loved by him.  I have changed- two years of knowing Richard changed me in ways that are still unfolding.

Richard,

You have been the greatest of gifts to me- it makes me smile to remember how you once said I had been a present to you. In a way I suppose I was- yet the greatest gift was mine. Thank you seems so insignificant- such an often used and frivolous phrase. Yet it comes from my heart- deep within my heart where I hold all that is precious to me. It is where I hold you and memories of you that mean more than archives ever could. Thank you for loving me in spite of the pain and for teaching me that everything ends- everything ends but love. And for showing me the strength I had all along. Thank you for helping me grow and for the lessons you patiently and tenderly taught me.  Thank you for taking care of me, for forgiving me and for all that you showed me.

I will always, always love you and even though I was unable to capture the essence of Richard and his pixie we feel it still. It is a feeling I can easily pull back around me and softly use it if I miss you or if I am scared or sick. Last year around this time you looked me in the eye and thanked me. I asked you for what and you said ‘for the best year of my life’. You swore you meant it- and I thank you right back only I am adding a year. This was the hardest year of my life, the very hardest and it took this year to let each other go, didn’t it? Not in anger or bitterness…just like we always promised each other- no anger. Just love and bittersweet smiles, never forgotten longing and pain….but mostly love. Thank you for that gift most of all.

You are a special man. The best.  I will never forget you.

Love, pixie

Good Morning Liam

I mentioned in an earlier post that I had the opportunity to do a little traveling recently with Liam and his family. Liam had made arrangements for us to have a small cottage to ourselves on Martha’s Vineyard (my first time there!!!) however our arrival on the first night was so late we stayed with his grandmother.  She has a beautiful sprawling home that I was almost too tired to appreciate.  Liam and I were placed in separate bedrooms with a connecting bathroom and as we stood side by side and brushed our teeth we laughed at the absurdity of separate rooms.  Out of respect for his grandmother though we slept apart and I have to admit as tired as I was the respite was nice. I crawled into bed and Liam sat with me and we talked for over an hour. He behaved himself though and just held my hand.  My talks with Liam are talks that I need, talks that I love and they can go on forever and forever.  A difference between him and S is that Liam knows how to take life seriously when needed. S is so incredibly self- indulgent and over the top he can be quite overwhelming- though in his defense he feeds that part of me that is full of wanderlust…that part of me that is just starting to reawaken. In that sense S is very, very good for me. He is just all about fun and play and good times- truly the only time I ever really saw S as serious was when we were in New Orleans.

Liam kissed me goodnight and told me if I needed him that I knew where he was. I slept and slept and only woke up when the light was slipping into my room and Liam was sliding into my bed. I smiled before I opened my eyes and I heard him laugh. “I stayed away as long as I could.”  His voice had that sweet morning gruffness that warms me and even though I was smiling and he knew I was awake I pretended to be fast asleep.  His arms slid around my waist and he pulled me against him. “Wake up sleepy head….I want you.”

I cuddled against him and made that sleepy little sigh that I know drives him crazy… “Go away Liam, I’m sleepy.”  

But his hands were already pulling my nightgown up around my hips.  “I want you.”  I rolled over so I was facing away from him and snuggled my butt right up against the evidence of just how much he wanted me. “Oh, so you want it from behind? Not my favorite morning position but if that’s what you want…..”  I laughed at him.

“But your grandmother.” I murmured scooting away slightly but all I managed to do was give his mouth access to my neck and shoulder.

“No, I don’t want her. I want you.” His voice was sweet and it nibbled on my bare skin. I laughed at him again and he pulled my nightgown over my head and pulled the thick blankets away.  I sat up a little bit and looked at him all bare-chested and dark in my bed. I reached down and tried to find the sheet to cover myself.  “No sweet, don’t be shy with me. I’ve seen you naked many, many times.”

I was wide awake now and all of a sudden painfully aware of being naked- of being naked with Liam. “It’s not that, you know…it’s different now.” I feel different with Liam, less desirable since my illness. I am just over 90 pounds and I just don’t feel beautiful naked like maybe I once did. Plus I have two scars from ports that I needed. They are faded and small yet I know they are there and they bother me for some reason. I imagine it isn’t so much the scarring as it is a remembrance of how very sick I was. And when Liam is undressing me I don’t want him to see me as sick or anything less than I ever was to him.

Liam pulled the sheet away and grabbed my hands. He gathered my hands in one of his and held them over the bed against the white iron of the old antique bed. He pressed me back against the pillows and placed his empty hand flat against my chest between my breasts. He spread his fingers and his hand felt hot against my skin. The sheet was pushed out of the way and he sat up and looked directly into my eyes before letting his eyes graze down my body- yet he kept his hand between my breasts. “Please….please don’t look at me.” We were both surprised at my plea….I am usually comfortable with him yet with the morning sun coming through the window I just felt on display and didn’t like it.

“I am going to let your hands go. You aren’t to move them- grip the bed above your head if you need to but do not move your hands. I like you this way.” His smile disarmed me and there was purple morning light all through the room and infinite tenderness in his green eyes.  “You know what I see?” He let go of my hands and straddled the tops of my legs. I almost told him it wasn’t appropriate for him to ‘Dom’ me out of this yet it suddenly hit me it was not only appropriate but it was exactly what he should do.

“No…what do you see?” I gripped the iron of the bed and couldn’t look him in the eye. He pressed his hand into my chest just a little.

“I see you- all of you and you couldn’t be more perfect to me. And do you know what I feel?” I shook my head no. “I feel your heart beneath my hand and it is racing and it is strong. Do you know how close I came to never feeling   your heart beat or how it felt to see you- or to barely see you buried beneath all those tubes and machines day after day. Do you know how it felt to be on an airplane flying to you and the hell of all the hours in the air when I had NO communication and was certain that you would be gone before I could get to you? And today you are naked in my arms- warm and happy and I am going to care that you are ten or fifteen pounds less than what you were? Are you serious? Is that what you think of me? ” He touched the small pucker of skin above my heart where the line was placed. “You think I care about this? This? This matters when I almost lost you? Do you think my love for you is- or ever was that shallow?”

He had tears on his face and I felt ashamed and I felt full of love for him. He kissed my face and my neck and slid his hands down over my breasts and rested them there. “I love you. You can’t know how it felt to watch you slip away and know that I couldn’t stop it, that none of us could stop it.” His mouth closed over my nipple and drew it into his mouth nibbling at the hardness. His mouth moved to my other nipple and he did the same thing. “You can’t know what it felt like in that room hour after hour when we didn’t know- do you know how much love was poured over you? Don’t you know that is the only reason I can share you now with S- because he was there. Because he loves you too and it would have killed both of us to lose you then- it would kill him to lose you now.”

“Liam…I’m sorry.” And I was. He shamed me and yet at the same time taught me a great lesson about sacrifice and love.

“Don’t say that. You have nothing to be sorry for- nothing.”  His hands slid down my stomach where  he could trace every rib and then he traced my pelvic bone. You know that high curvy bone that shouldn’t ever be visible  yet there it was and he made it seem like it was the prettiest part of my body.

“Keep your hands where they are….look what a good girl you are being.” His mouth kissed everywhere his fingers touched and he slid down my body until he was at my feet. “Look at you. You are blushing. You have more sexuality in your little finger than most do in their entire body- and you aren’t frightened of it. Yet-you blush.”

He kissed my knees and the tops of my feet. “Open your legs…now do as I say. Open your legs.” Liam is extremely oral and I knew what he wanted to do. He pushed my legs up and with a hand on each knee he opened my legs tracing the inside of my thighs with both of his hands until his fingers grazed my cunt….  “You are wet, I knew you would be.” He smiled. His mouth closed over my clit and pulled it into his mouth. His mouth was a million types of magic and it was all I could do to hold onto the bed and not touch his hair.  He was insistent and perfect and I could feel myself arch against his mouth and I could barely stand the pleasure.  His hands closed around my hips and pulled me flat beneath him and I wrapped my arms around his neck just needing to touch him and to smell him. My legs were still open and he was between them…. his arms were wrapping around me pulling me so close to him that I could barely breathe. He covered me so completely pulling my legs around his waist and all I could feel was him and his breathe….and he and I together. He pulled up on both of his arms and looked down at my face with a look of such tenderness that it made me ache deep inside my heart as he entered me. His lips touched mine and he kissed me and kissed me again and again until I felt so lost in him that really nothing else mattered.  It was one of those perfect mornings…..afterwards we fell back to sleep and woke up almost two hours later. Luckily Liam’s grandmother doesn’t like to climb the stairs….hehe, it was a special morning.

figuring things out

I have a habit of going back and reading my archives. Sometimes it is helpful. Sometimes it is amusing. Often it is heartbreaking and leaves me feeling melancholy or sad. The past few nights I have spent some time in my archives. Part of the new paradigm with Liam is transparency. I know- we all know that I never gave that to him. I never came to him with open arms and I never allowed him to love me the way he wanted to. He never stopped loving me though and he never stopped hoping that he and I would have another chance. I know there are still barriers between us- one of which is simply my unwillingness to settle for or on one man in my life. Maybe that means he is just not the one, maybe I have seen too many relationships stumble and fail because one party can’t and shouldn’t be expected to meet the needs of the other person- maybe I just believe with my whole heart that people are not built for monogamy. I know on every level within myself I am not. I doubt my ability to ever be faithful to one man and I say that openly because I am not wired to do that, I am not built to sacrifice my happiness to keep another secure and content in theirs. Now, with that said I do believe in the power of love and I do believe that a person can feel very, very real love for multiple people at a time. I see love as just another emotion…like joy, anger or even hate. It is not the rare, elusive once in a lifetime lightening only strikes once moment people like to believe. I believe there simply is just not one person designed for another and I don’t believe one person can complete you to the point where you do not need anything from anyone else. Not without settling-not without sacrificing parts of ourselves to appease the other party. And isn’t life too short, too fragile to sacrfice pieces of what makes us who we are? And we do settle, don’t we? We are a society of people who settle because we are expected to maintain the status quo. Yes ma’am I will have two and a half kids, a shaggy dog, a handsome husband and a white picket fence on the side. This man will complete and fulfill me for the next 70 years of my life- we will grow together in sync , faithfulness and harmony and create a full life of love, harmony and peace together. Yeah right- we are a society of settlers. We settle and we adapt and we give and take and more often than not we give too much and that is why people can’t be faithful, that is why people are unfulfilled and that is why we are often left questioning every life choice we have ever made. And we let our partners do that to us- we allow them to ask us to sacrifice. We do it to our partners. And in the name of ‘love’ no less as if asking someone to give up pieces of themselves can somehow be justified with an “I love you darling”…. (how pathetic) or simply because people have a built in desire for martyrdom . We sacrifice our happiness, our needs, huge parts of ourselves to prove to our partner we love them. The irony of that slays me- if it were true love in the unconditional (and impossible) sense that could and would actually merit such sacrifice then the other person would stand up and say the opposite. Your partner would value all of those parts of you- even the ones that don’t fulfill or complete them. Even the parts of you they despise would be transparent and accepted. We are a selfish society- we look to design or change a person with no regards to what really makes that person tremble or glow inside. Is control the motivator? Pure selfishness? Do we do it because years of habit and examples show us no other way? Perhaps.

Or maybe I am wrong. Perhaps life has left me jaded. I don’t think so. I think I know myself  and I speak only for myself. I’ve been open with Liam. He knows all of this about me. I am an open book to him. My blog is an open book to him- see given my new dynamic with him I have no walls and no secrets. I have also been open with S about Liam, about my past, my feelings, about my blog. I believe knowing they can peruse my blog at their leisure has made me want to go back and read some of what I have written in the past couple years. It is certainly a tale, is it not? This is the third year of Secrets and there is so much ‘stuff’ here. It is overwhelming for me to read some of it….my heart goes out to both of them.

I mentioned in my last post that Liam has a somewhat different role in my life. He said to me that he feels more like my Dom than my boyfriend because it seems I do all the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff with S. I admit there is truth in that. S has a way of walking in and pulling me away from everything else. He expects that I travel with him and that I am available a few nights a week for overnights at his home or in some swanky destination.  Liam has just recently came back into my life full force.  He was engaged to a girl and living part time in London as recently as Christmas. We spent time together over the holidays and then by the time I was half dead in New Orleans Ms. London was history and he had made arrangements to stay in the United States for at least the next year.  He has made his intentions perfectly clear, he claims to love me madly and will give me as much time as I need to settle into the role he has designed with his Caveman Barbie and Ken mentality.  I have made it a priority to do more boyfriend/girlfriend sort of cliché stuff with Liam. I went with him and his amazing family to Martha’s Vineyard recently and from there we went to Manhattan for a night. It was intimate and special. S was in Chicago and I was tempted to not tell him but with Liam’s encouragement and with respect to the new dynamic of honesty and openness being a guiding force I told him. S was fine with it and was thankful I had arranged a trip with Liam while he was away. Now…I know S well enough to know he is swallowing some jealousy and maybe even some anger and I hope to get him to put all of that out in front of us both so we can deal with it and move on.

Liam and S met under stressful circumstances. I was in the hospital- my dad was suspicious of both of them. He would happily marry me off to Liam because deep down I think my dad feels as if Liam is a match for me yet he also knows S is stable and was incredibly impressed by the way S handled himself and the situation in New Orleans. He obviously adores me. My dad feels S is too old for me though (they are about the same age)- Liam agrees but of course he would. The one thing I am not getting is push back from either of these men regarding the other. They both have accepted that in order for me to be a part of their lives they need to accept each other. We have plans to all have dinner together this weekend to discuss my dynamic with both men. What I am planning on stressing is my desire to not assign roles. I do not want S as my boyfriend and I do not want Liam as my Dom. I don’t need to try to keep anything like that in a box. Liam certainly has the ability and desire to dominate me- he has a style that I am responding to more and more yet S can be aggressive and sexually dominant too. I am attracted to both men and my feelings for them are very different. I’ve likely loved Liam since I was a child and my feelings for S while not romantic love there is something tender there. I do not want to set up guidelines and restrictions that would limit my ability to be anything less than my complete self with either man.

What is unfortunate yet not unexpected is both men feel their relationship with me should be exclusive of Richard. Liam said he and Richard are mutually exclusive and S agrees. I am struggling with that because Richard does have a role in my life. He and I are not physical with each other yet the desire, the ache and the pressing need to have him take me or use me is as strong as it ever was. Liam and S both know that and I think it proves my point that people even when given freedom in a relationship still look to bind themselves with conformity.  I laughed at Liam and pointed out how ridiculous he was being- to let Richard- who is more removed from my life than he has ever been to continue to cause him grief while he is setting up a dinner meeting with a man he knows I am sleeping with. It is a ridiculous example of the desire to control what he has no right to control and it highlights a streak of insecurity in him that I find altogether distasteful.  Both men feel Richard has been a malevolent force in my life and a cause of great suffering and sorrow to me. I pointed out to Liam that he is more likely feeling that Richard has been a great source of sorrow to him- not me. And S just feels I have been taken advantage of by Richard is the most horrible of ways for a period much longer than was good or right or even healthy for me. Both men are entitled to their opinions and I will spend very little time giving audience to their concerns regarding Richard. My life is what I’ve made it and both men can walk away from me at any point this gets too difficult.  If I decide to give up the remaining pieces of Richard it will be because it is what is best for me not because S and Liam feel it is best for them.  I admit contact with Richard is distressing to me for multiple reasons….yet as always the idea of not having  that small piece of him is more painful than what I do have. Maybe it will not always be so.

Again, this post is too long and yet I feel I could write for miles.  I’ve missed my blog- it is such a friend to me and I will try to never neglect it again.

update

I’d really like to get back into the comforting habit of writing in my blog again. I’ve not lost interest as much as time. So much has happened over the past few months. I can start with the good news and then digress at least that way the bad won’t seem SO bad. A few months ago I was travelling to Houston with S to take some tests to see if I was eligible to enter into a drug trial. To make that story short I was and happily signed the papers and planned to come home. Much to Richard’s and my father’s chagrin S decided we should spend some time in New Orleans before coming home. I was feeling good and hesitated at that point saying no to any fun experience or place I wanted to visit because I knew better than most how short life is.

Needless to say I went with S to New Orleans. I thought the danger was minimal although I knew at that point my body had entered the blast phase of CML and I could have a blast crisis at any point. Yet I was FEELING good plus S has a private jet so we are able to avoid the crowds and germs of airports when we travel. It allows him to take me to places that at that point would have been impossible. The second day in New Orleans I had a nosebleed. Within twenty minutes I was bleeding out and drifting in and out of consciousness while S frantically tried to decide what hospital to get me to in a city where the health care is questionable at best. Living where I live I am in direct proximity to some of best health care and doctors in the world. I have instant access to my doctors 24/7 or as Richard likes to tease me about I am a VIP at Duke. OK- so I don’t have my own parking spot but they do valet my car.  J

I was pretty ill. The nosebleed is really the last thing I remember, it was all kind of fast and blurry and even now what I remember I don’t know if they are true memories or scenes others had given me. S was the lucky one who got to call all my family and let them know I was sick- so sick in fact I was on life support in New Orleans. S flew my dad into New Orleans- by then they had all my records from Duke including my ‘Do not Resuscitate order’. They had me on full support. I had lost so much blood and my clotting factors were such that I was unable to fully hold blood in my organs. My body was in shock from blood loss and the quality of my blood was poor. I wasn’t able to maintain my own body temperature and was experiencing multiple organ failure. Luckily for me I was blissfully unaware that anything was going on, at least I don’t have memory of any of it. They were steadily giving me fluid and blood until they saw my DNR order. At that point they ceased giving me blood and informed S that they would wait for my dad to arrive and then allow him to spend an hour with me before withdrawing support.

S also notified Richard. Richard was out of the country and was of course sick with worry after hearing from S. He was told how sick I was and that my dad was on his way. S also told him that at some point that evening I was going to be taken off life support and made comfortable. S offered to send his plane to get him and even tried to call the small airport on the island where Richard was to see if it could be opened. S is the kind of man who assumes the world will and should bend to his will. It was impossible to  get Richard back to the United States in the middle of the night. He went to bed that night believing that sometime in the next few hours I was going to be gone. I truly shudder to think what he must have been feeling and it breaks my heart to know he went through what he did that night.

They pulled my support and my family sat with me. My brother flew in, Liam flew in the next day- both assuming they were coming for a memorial service. I imagine the scene though no one has really talked about the moment of the machines being turned off as dramatic- after all that is how it is in the movies lol. The buzzing of the machine and then the incessant bleep-bleep before the flat line preempting everyone bursting into tears. Ok- so it didn’t happen that way.  Apparently they just took my IVs out and took the tube out of my throat that was breathing for me. The only thing I was attached to was a heart monitor and it was silent and only monitored from the nurses’ station behind the glass next to my room.

I started breathing on my own right away. They informed my family this could go on for a few minutes and my prognosis was grim. I was in grave condition so when the few minutes turned into an hour and eventually me moving around and opening my eyes the doctors decided I was worth saving. I woke up and talked to my dad, to S, to the doctors. I don’t remember any of that night. I was still in critical condition but was breathing on my own and the tests were showing slight organ damage yet nothing they didn’t think I would eventually recover from. S sent Richard an email and asked if he could take a call that morning. Richard assumed it was my dad or S calling to tell him that I had in fact passed away in the middle of the night. S just wasn’t thinking- I wish he had told Richard I had made it yet he wasn’t aware that Richard had assumed I had died.

Later that morning S charged my cell phone and brought it to me. He told me to call Richard. My mind was fuzzy and I couldn’t remember where Richard was and I told S I couldn’t call him. S said I was adamant that Richard wouldn’t want me to bother him and finally S dialed the phone handed it to me and walked out of the room. Richard’s voice was subdued when he answered and my voice was weak, dry I am sure as I had tubing in my throat for the past twelve hours. I said “Richard….” And he was quiet for a moment and I again said… “Richard…it’s me.” Now, I’ve heard people talk about losing it and that is a pretty good description for Richards reaction when he realized it was my voice on the other end of the phone. “It’s you…” he said….and he was crying and I could barely hear him and I was crying too because the anguish in his voice confused me and I was emotionally just ‘off’.  I could only talk to him for a minute- I was not forming sentences right all that morning and tried my best to tell him I was ok and what had happened overnight. I told him they were air-flighting me to Duke later that morning. And we got off the phone. Within an hour of that call I had another blast crisis and had to be intubated again. Once again I was unstable and the plans to get me out of New Orleans never happened.

S didn’t notify Richard of anything until later and R of course assumed I was headed back to blue devil territory instead of back on life support. By then Liam was there and I missed the whole Liam meet S….S meet Liam. Richard could have appreciated the awkwardness of it for sure and at one point S even told Richard the only one missing was him. S and Liam didn’t hit it off and apparently there was some power struggle at times about who got to go into my room. ICU is strict about visitation and there were two spots and my dad wasn’t about to give up his. The only time they allowed more than two visitors was when I was critical enough to let people sit with me around the clock.

Obviously I pulled through but it was a horrible experience. I was finally taken by helicopter to NC where I steadily improved. I left the hospital with a nurse, an IV and a central line. That was a couple months ago and I’ve continued to grow stronger. As soon as all my organs were self supporting I started the trial meds from Texas. The great news today is last week I found out I am in remission. A true remission and my doctors are ecstatic. I am amazed and hopeful yet aware I’ve tasted remission before.

I feel good- almost normal now my port and my central line are out. I don’t feel connected to anything other than the meds that are fed-ex’ed every week to me from TX.

Off the health front my personal life is crazy as usual. Liam is home for six months possibly longer- home as in twenty minutes from my home and in the community two miles away from where S lives. Richard and I are the best of friends and while we struggle with boundaries, letting go and missing each other we have a bond that will always, always be there. Liam struggles with wanting me all to himself and S can share me with a Dom but not a “puny little asshole” like Liam and certainly not Richard who S feels could potentially consume my entire life with a touch. The irony is I see S more as my boyfriend and Liam more as my Dominant right now. Before Liam was my boyfriend and he struggled sharing me with Richard. Liam just wants to marry me and be done with the whole thing lol…..I’m thinking about it. Really- I am. I love Liam…have since I was eight and he has stood by me. He’s been here for me even more than Richard has. Liam and S have been good for me, they’ve reminded me that I am allowed to have real expectations of a man and of a relationship. It feels good to be free and open to be loved and to show love.

This is too long by far and I should have broken it down into more than one post. Thank you to everyone who has emailed me. I am going to start writing more. I’ve had lots of great adventures lately….Liam isn’t afraid to touch me now that my health isn’t as fragile and S adds excitement to everything. I hope Richard will still lend his wisdom and support to my blog just as he lends it to my life.

Rule #1….per pixie

“Untie you?” he laughed softly looking down at me with an exaggerated expression of incredulity on his handsome face. “Give me one –no two good reasons why I should?”

 

“”What….speak up love I can’t hear you….oh silly me, of course I can’t hear you! What’s that in your mouth? Did some bad man gag you?”

 

His smile was evil and sweet, seductive and charming and I twisted around to follow him with my eyes as he circled me. I asked him to untie me twice and on the third time he threatened to gag me. To me that sounded too much like an empty threat therefore a challenge so of course I asked- no demanded he untie me.

 

He sat down on the corner of the bed and looked at me indulgently. “My doll, (usually I hate when he calls me that but today tied to the high post of his bed it seemed fitting and half arousing) I will never pretend to be a great Dominant. I don’t know all the rules here but I do know that I issue directives, you obey- yes? Was that not a lesson your Richard taught you?”

 

I slit my eyes at him wishing I had lasers that I could send out through the air to give him a superficial though painful injury. In the back of my head on that small notepad I made a mental note to remind this thick headed man rule #1 of THIS submissive- 1) never, ever mention Richard when you are dominating me especially if your tone is condescending or otherwise disrespectful in nature. Consequences of this will include but are not limited to- shut down of all sensual actions or feelings, the urge to moan “Richard please” into your ear when you touch me, refusal to allow future opportunities to pleasure me by being my dominant…etc.

 

He laughed at my look and then took the gag out of my mouth. “You want to say something my sweet submissive?” My eyes were still half angry, half amused yet he doesn’t know all my looks yet so he was slightly off guard. I like him like that.

 

“I do. One of the first lessons Richard taught me and one you should learn is that the submissive has the power here not the Dominant. You enjoy the power only as long as I’m willing to allow you the pleasure of dominating me. Love is unconditional, submission isn’t. Now- untie me.”

 

He did.