it’s here- for better or worse
I was rereading a blog entry of mine from some time ago and realized how it directly applies to my life today. I also realized how we all tend to place so much time and energy into worrying about how things will turn out. When really they are just going to happen no matter what we do or say or think. Life just has a way of trickling down it’s own little path-
We are smack in the middle right now of what I wasted time worrying about two years ago! And now all the angst was for naught- things do have a way of working out and typically for the best.
Everything below was written 2 years ago.
“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” ~Emerson
My life feels very different right now. I am happy…settled and looking ahead. The only shadow is the unknown….of wondering how the future will play out. He says as long as we keep it all in front of us and talk about it then it won’t become an issue- it won’t become something that threatens us. I believe in him and I believe in us. We’ve had conversations about my needs –vs- his desires and what he is comfortable with. Right now we have situations bigger than the two of us that will keep it from becoming an issue between us for awhile. We are deeply in love and committed to each other and a future that I have no doubts I want.
L and I had a talk…a few talks actually about a day in our future that may include the side of me he isn’t quite sure what to do with rearing its head. The side he has only read about here on my blog…the side he just now understands isn’t something I only needed or wanted with Richard. I know he hoped for that…I know he wanted to believe that my need for pain…my masochistic side was something that Richard made me want….that it was something Richard built up inside of me to need. He has a hard time understanding that I think about things like that….that there is a part of me that wants and needs what he says is unthinkable. He had hopes that my desire for pain was a result of being almost brainwashed by Richard. L truly believed that for awhile….that I was not a masochist. Submissive yes…a little kinky….yes- but masochistic- no.
I told L that everything Richard did to me I was willing….more than willing. I wanted it…I pursued it- I loved it. Often our activities were followed by ‘what if’ conversations…..what if you did this to me….what if I did this….would you like it? Often our conversations would truly border the unthinkable…they would remind me that Richard truly was a sexual sadist…a sadist in the truest form. How did you let him do those things to you he has asked me….citing certain excerpts from my blog. He sees my decent into subspace at the hands of Richard as evidence that parts of me rejected what he was doing to me. I could never do this to you….L has said to me.
He feels if I spend some time writing here about my fantasies I can work some of it out in my head….perhaps that will settle me. Perhaps I can work through this need in me without having it fulfilled. He is afraid that the day will come when I am not satisfied by being his lover…his submissive…his wife. He fears the day will come when I say to him I need more….he wonders who will sacrifice. Will he sacrifice the desire to never share me….to be the only one who touches me or loves me? Or will my desire… my need to be hurt…to feel enslaved and used….to feel humiliated at the hands of a brutal lover be given up? He will- he has asked that of me already. I’ve said to him that I can sacrifice that….that perhaps I can be a submissive to him…a loving faithful wife to him and somehow quiet that raging need in me to have what Richard gave me. Today….I mean it. Today I can say that his growing pleasure at what we do together…at the obvious pleasure he takes at dominating me….and the tentative streak in him that reaches out and tastes my masochism at times can close the gap enough so there isn’t such a valley between my submission and masochism. One day I think he will understand what I need when I urge him on….when my mind takes me further than he has taken me physically.
I guess what’s here is the end of the “situations bigger than the two of us”. So, no more excuses, is that it? ;>)
I’m sure it often seems that we have no control over the course of our lives, and I am and have been guilty of tending toward a que sera sera attitude. Even so, I do think our needs, desires, wants influence things in many ways. Sort of like the butterfly and the weather.