I plan on continuing writing while I travel. Part of my journey I make alone- such is life. Another part of my journey finds me being escorted by the most handsome soon to be 12 year old EVER.
Solitude perhaps will inspire me to write, photograph and wonder but I prefer travel with him. I will encourage him to write, photograph and just to continue to question the wonders of the world around us. On another part of my journey I am meeting L’s sister and her new baby and I am chaperoning them overnight on a train from Paris to London where L will be waiting for us.

L will travel home with us for a couple of weeks- where we have some USA family travel planned. Always an adventure- but we are game.

The summer ends with a late birthday present for me. I am going to the Dingle Peninsula in Ireland.

My iPad travels with me and my plan is to go Hemingway’s way and let the adventure speak for itself in my writing.

If I write or photograph anything interesting enough to share here I will.

Happy travels… To me.

We are smack in the middle right now of what I wasted time worrying about two years ago! And now all the angst was for naught- things do have a way of working out and typically for the best.
Everything below was written 2 years ago.

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” ~Emerson

My life feels very different right now. I am happy…settled and looking ahead. The only shadow is the unknown….of wondering how the future will play out. He says as long as we keep it all in front of us and talk about it then it won’t become an issue- it won’t become something that threatens us. I believe in him and I believe in us. We’ve had conversations about my needs –vs- his desires and what he is comfortable with. Right now we have situations bigger than the two of us that will keep it from becoming an issue between us for awhile. We are deeply in love and committed to each other and a future that I have no doubts I want.

L and I had a talk…a few talks actually about a day in our future that may include the side of me he isn’t quite sure what to do with rearing its head. The side he has only read about here on my blog…the side he just now understands isn’t something I only needed or wanted with Richard. I know he hoped for that…I know he wanted to believe that my need for pain…my masochistic side was something that Richard made me want….that it was something Richard built up inside of me to need. He has a hard time understanding that I think about things like that….that there is a part of me that wants and needs what he says is unthinkable. He had hopes that my desire for pain was a result of being almost brainwashed by Richard. L truly believed that for awhile….that I was not a masochist. Submissive yes…a little kinky….yes- but masochistic- no.

I told L that everything Richard did to me I was willing….more than willing. I wanted it…I pursued it- I loved it. Often our activities were followed by ‘what if’ conversations…..what if you did this to me….what if I did this….would you like it? Often our conversations would truly border the unthinkable…they would remind me that Richard truly was a sexual sadist…a sadist in the truest form. How did you let him do those things to you he has asked me….citing certain excerpts from my blog. He sees my decent into subspace at the hands of Richard as evidence that parts of me rejected what he was doing to me. I could never do this to you….L has said to me.

He feels if I spend some time writing here about my fantasies I can work some of it out in my head….perhaps that will settle me. Perhaps I can work through this need in me without having it fulfilled. He is afraid that the day will come when I am not satisfied by being his lover…his submissive…his wife. He fears the day will come when I say to him I need more….he wonders who will sacrifice. Will he sacrifice the desire to never share me….to be the only one who touches me or loves me? Or will my desire… my need to be hurt…to feel enslaved and used….to feel humiliated at the hands of a brutal lover be given up? He will- he has asked that of me already. I’ve said to him that I can sacrifice that….that perhaps I can be a submissive to him…a loving faithful wife to him and somehow quiet that raging need in me to have what Richard gave me. Today….I mean it. Today I can say that his growing pleasure at what we do together…at the obvious pleasure he takes at dominating me….and the tentative streak in him that reaches out and tastes my masochism at times can close the gap enough so there isn’t such a valley between my submission and masochism. One day I think he will understand what I need when I urge him on….when my mind takes me further than he has taken me physically.

She heard him near her. His presence astounded her by the comfort it offered. She knew he would never leave her side yet a person’s mind dances around the unthinkable when strapped helpless to the floor. She felt him all around her.
Her knees already ached and she moaned when he tightened the rope that held her arms bound above her head. The heat of his fingers traced her nipples and she would have done anything…anything at all to feel his mouth close around one of them at that moment.

What disarmed her the most was the hood. It was unexpected and not even anything they had previously discussed. In fact he knew that blindfolds disturbed her so she was taken back just a bit when without comment or explanation he slipped the white cotton hood over her head. It felt heavy. The fabric felt canvas like and while it wasn’t form fitting against her head it curved against her face when she inhaled. She felt the stickiness of her heated breath captured against her face. Her back was arched and she had absolutely no idea how incredibly erotic she was to him at that moment.

She was a dream. This is what he had fantasized about for so long. The unattainable- the impossible. This girl spread before him helpless- more helpless than he would ever allow himself to be yet here she was. Willing and so, so ready for what he offered her. Her vulnerability touched him- she pulled at his heart and he was overcome with dueling emotions. Gentle tenderness was pushed to the side and he let the scary part of himself take over. She needed that from him.

She wanted this. Her mind quieted. Her ears tuned only to the currents of his voice, his footsteps, the rattle of metal- anything of him was everything to her at that moment. She would have done anything for him. She felt a closeness to him she never knew existed- she would eat from his hand or not eat at all…whatever he demanded she knew she lacked the will to resist him. She loved him. In her soul she knew that in every way a person could belong to another person she belonged to him. If every other thing in her life turned out to be a lie this one statement was true. That should mean something. She knew as she knelt there that he was going to hurt her. The thin string attaching her to normalcy and reality detached the second he placed his hand on the back of her neck. “Breath” he said to her. His endearing voice so soft yet it spun her tightly into the perfect head space he required of her. Hurt me she whispered to herself knowing that he heard her silent plea. He answered her in her head all the time- when they were far away from each other she spoke to him that way. And so often she heard his reply. She chastised herself at times for her fanciful thoughts but is allowed her to make it through another day in his absence. She was using tools he had given her.

He allowed his hand to linger on her neck. His thumb feeling her pulse. Her life’s blood heated for him and flowing at a speed that almost scared him. She was so excited. She was so ready for this day.

So was he. He was capable of entering a place in his mind that strolled past reason, that ignored everything sane and normal. What was all of that anyway? Normal? Sane- who defines any of that except for people still dancing outside of the fire. Anyone….everyone who allows themselves can feel passion or love- almost everyone can orgasm. But this- this is life in the raw. It is stripping down every thing socially acceptable and vanilla and feeling –truly feeling your body. Passing limits you should have never created and riding out your passion that you and you alone designed. No hesitation- no shame. Inhibitions buried in the clothes he tore off of you. This was feeling the extreme of passion.
He was more alive when she cried out in pain or whimpered his name then at any other time in his life. She was fire to him. Sustenance. He loved her all the more for it. She gave him everything he had ever imagined and urged him to imagine more. Today he had imagined more and she was here ready to ride this experience with him right to the end.

He opened his mouth needing to speak to her to tell her of his pressing inexplicable need to fall into her….into what she so freely offered him. He wanted to explain that when she accepted this pain it was life’s blood to him and it flowed between them keeping them both alive. It was a circle. It was alive all on it’s own almost as if it walked and danced between them. An ever cycling ring of pleasure and pain-Unbroken he would cover her with layers of pain and she would change it somehow. Almost magically she would transform this ever growing dark need within him into the sweetest pleasure ever known. She would melt herself into this pain as her soul absorbed it and her body accepted it as pleasure. Her welts, her bruises…the way she would lean into his hand or the strap or his cane begging him silently for more- this is how she fed it back to him as pleasure in it’s purest form. Raw. And he would dine here as long as she allowed him. He was lost without it. Without her.

The strap felt alive in his hand. His need was strong and he couldn’t wait another moment.

The platform where she knelt was a bit higher than a bed but still low enough to allow him easy access. Low enough where he could still bend her over the bed and take her. He reached out to touch her again. Again his voice emptied into her. A soft stroke down her damp back with a warm finger.
“it’alright- I am here with you. I am ready to begin. Are you ready?” he waited for her nod. It was hesitant and slight yet he knew there were no second thoughts beneath the hood. He wrapped the leather around his hand. Once, twice…until just the right amount hung freely. He closed his eyes for a long second. Her slim back arched, her small muscles quivered. She trembled. He was overcome with so many emotions.
“my darling pet…my toy. How I love you- how incredibly precious you are to me.” He knew the irony laced around his words but had decided long ago it was futile to explore the why of any of this. It just was.

He brought the strap up to his nose and breathed deeply inhaling the leather before drawing his arm back and delivering the first of what would be dozens of blows. His words still in her ears. The sound of leather against skin- her skin was intoxicating. The smoothness, the firm round globes of her bottom that fit so perfectly in his hands. The slap slap slap created a red haze around him pulling him deeper into the world where this was right and real. Into her world- their world created together. Her cries music. They deepened and he drank them in. The color of her skin changed and glowed pink then red and everything was perfect in that moment. The cadence of the belt bounced between them deafening all but that one sound. Slap slap slap.

Like her skin he too was morphing. That scary side of him still unexplored outside of dreams and fantasy began to unfold and all of a sudden it was bigger than him. Bigger than her and it filled he room with everything he knew she could take from him. A safe world filled with the danger of two people who knew the risks and embraced them as sure as they embraced each other. Perfect. Raw. Connected.

“whore”- he said “dirty cunt” ” you fuck toy….my fuck toy I am going to beat you until you can’t move. You need it…don’t you? You need me to teach you- to show you what dirty little slut girls get.”

His words filthy and she loved them. Juice ran down her thighs and the belt continued to land against her skin. He turned so he could land the belt between her legs knowing the leather would bite into wet cunt. His reward a quick beautiful yelp that fed his desire to hurt her. The heavy hand on his shoulder quieting his scary self pushed away and he sought to pull more cries from her. The belt relentless until they were both panting.

He paused. He leaned into her burying his face into her back his hand pulling off the hood. He buried his hands into dark hair and just breathed her in. Quietly he joined her in that place she found where she could treasure this pain enough to offer it back to him as pleasure. He rested there with her feeling her trembling quiet.

Her bottom was red. Hot. The backs of her legs glowed as the welts seemed to swell over each other with a valiant effort to get his attention. He delivered at least 20 across her back. He could see them. Her pale skin his toy and he couldn’t get enough of her.

She heard the belt hit the floor. He lifted his head away from her and instantly she felt a coolness. An absence.
The pain in her body not pain at all. It was as if her entire being was a foot that had fallen asleep. She tingled to the point of needing to crawl out of her skin. Endorphins overloaded her and he wanted more. She wanted more and moaned trying to find his dear face in the haze. Quickly I need more she thought. Quickly pick something else up. She wanted to beg him to cane her. She felt empty in everyplace she needed to feel full and it frustrated her. She wanted to beg him to fill her ass with the biggest plug he had or to plunge a dildo hard into her bottom. She needed her cunt to be filled…her clit was on fire. She needed more.

He lowered her hands shoving her hard so she was flat on the platform. Her knees were still held wide open by the spreader. She moaned again and he caressed her cheek. He knew what she wanted but he wasn’t quite ready for that. He had something else. Something all together different for her and he could only do it when he still lingered in this dark place.

She was terrified. He could smell her fear and it caused his excitement to build. From his perspective the wall did exist. He knew this because he had prepared them for this day over the past few weeks. The new hardware gleamed and the room smelled of fresh wood. Already he had her kneeling on a platform. She was naked. Her ankles cuffed tightly into thin yet strong metal bands attached directly to the floor. A stainless spreader bar held her knees apart and her arms were tied at the wrist and attached to a beam above her head. She had a white hood over her head.

The room was large. He had prepared a section of an old shipping warehouse acquired quite by accident in a business deal a few years before. Until recently tenants utilized the space and he paid it no mind until it became vacant and needed to decide what to do with the real estate. As soon as he unlocked the wide doors and stepped inside he knew exactly what purpose this gem would serve.

That was two months ago. Since then a crew had been hired to clean, renovate and make some needed structural changes. If they wondered about the specifics of some of his instructions they didn’t ask. He was rarely questioned and people typically did as he asked. People envied the ease in which he handled authority- it was a natural niche for him. He often wondered why he felt the need inside to dominate women. He loved women- to his core he loved women so he was able to confidently discount woman hater theories applied to his dominance. It was just a part of him and once he figured out what it was he applied the same passion and earnest effort into developing it as he did everything else he loved.

He knew very early he was different. His needs seemed to darken the older he got. When he was younger girlfriends complained he was too aggressive- inconsiderate in some ways. He maintained several relationships through the years. Fulfilling in many ways though he knew they lacked something. At last he faced his desires. Embraced them and allowed himself the luxury of enjoying the side of himself that drove his sexuality. He was not just a dominant he was a sadist. Unapologetically he was a sadist.

Until now- until he met her he didn’t believe there was a match for him. It defied logic that there was a girl out there who wanted to feel pain as badly as he wanted to provide it. He held a leather strap in his hand. He was eager to use it yet couldn’t decide if he wanted to cane her first. There were so many things he planned to do to her. He admired her petite body….gleaming now with moisture. Her breathing was fast and shallow and her fear again hit him like a heavy fist in his gut. Her trust in him was a gift he cherished and the submission she offered him was unlike anything he had ever known. She was his. After today she would belong to him even more. His eyes flickered to the small iron he intended to brand her with; a small mark that she would carry with her always. So many things to do first. His heart was pounding and even though her arms were tied and her small fists were clutched together she held it tightly in her hand. He loved her. The dizzy realization of that staggered him and ironically it made him want to hurt her more. By doing so he bound them closer together as theirs was a shared need. She was his. And like the warehouse he happened upon her quite by accident.

But that’s another story.

He seems amused. I have told him more than once that I fear I would ask things of him that he just couldn’t give me. Again- more amusement. He called me kitten. And really I told him several weeks ago that I was not a kitten- and that I didn’t like to be called that. Some girls do- some submissive girls do. I do not. He said that when we are together he sees me as a small kitten or a little bird- he said I make him feel as if I need protecting. I have told him in this too he is wrong. I do not need protection. I am very capable of taking care of myself thank you very much.

He has invited me to lunch and I said ok. He asked if I have no intention of sleeping with him- or submitting to him why would I accept his invitation to lunch. I failed to mention this- and anyone who has followed my blog for any length of time this will come as no surprise but he is an attorney. Some type of civil litigation attorney whatever that means- and from all outward appearances seems to be a very good one. He knows that every Dominant I have ever had any type of real connection too long term has been some type of lawyer. There is some reason for this- either I am just drawn to this type of man or statistically for whatever reason Dominant men make good lawyers…who knows.

I told him I accepted because a girl never knows when she will need a good attorney.

Maybe I’m not quite ready for a full time Dom. Perhaps I never will be ready. I know that I will need something pretty intense to satisfy my urges- I am unable to push down what I know to be true about myself.
This dalliance is a precursor perhaps- a stepping stone to finding someone who I can belong to in the way I know I need. It’s a lonely place at times in this big world for a masochistic girl like me.

I touch her a lot. She has a lovely body. We spend a lot of time touching. Grazing L calls it- he loves the idea of she and I being together but understand that we aren’t together for his pleasure but for our own. I’m not sharing him with anyone. Double standard? In most people’s minds yes but it’s an agreement he enjoys and one he has entered into willingly.

What a rambling post this is. Its really going nowhere- is it? My mind is quiet tonight. I’m sated. I’m satisfied- happy to be alive, in love and loved.

Another day. It does seem to get easier.

What a horrible scaredy cat I am- the me who would once leap and then look couldn’t even make the jump this time.

I showed up. My intention was to follow through… To try. I needed this. I knew it. I knew it and couldn’t do it.

I figured out I would be doing it for the wrong reasons. I don’t know what the right reasons are only they don’t apply here.

I needed to feel the undeniable urge- I needed to feel something. I was attracted to him- but I wasn’t aroused. For all he offered he had a blandness to him that I didn’t want. Like trying to convince yourself that generic rice krispies really do taste like the snap crackle and pop ones. They don’t.

There is a story here. And more than one reason why I walked away- I’m still wrapping my mind around it.

Maybe I’ve just eaten too many bowls of Kellogg’s Rice Krispies.

Monday it is. I’m going to his home. No sex. No hard stuff. Just some trust building exercises. He has a room ready he says. He sounds excited. Happy. Calm.
I’m a wreck. By some people’s standards I’m a pretty experienced submissive. So why am I all jittery?
I’ve told him I need limited emotion and we do not need to exchange feelings to feel and to give pleasure.

I hope I can do it. I hope I’m ready.