bdsm · caning · M. · Poetry · spanking

Can you tell what I am thinking about tonight?

It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover.  ~Marge Piercy

“Go get your collar- I want to see it”- it was the first thing he said to her when they got back to their room. They had been out to eat and because they were both tired she figured he (because he is a little older than she is-he will love this comment) would want to go right to bed. The evil, but incredibly sexy glint in his eyes told her something much different. She only paused a moment to remember where she had packed it. Never winning any awards for patience he said again ” Go get it- now”. By now she knew that he expected her to obey him on all things when they were together, She loved that aspect of their relationship but sometimes she wasn’t the most obediant girl just because it went against her nature to be that way. She loved pleasing him and so she went and knelt by her bag and removed the circle of soft white leather she had purchased just for their little visit. She turned to get up and bring it to him but he was already there in front of her. Placing a hand on her shoulder he said- “Don’t get up, it will do you good to kneel for awhile.” So she stayed there and he reached down and took the collar out of her hands. He looked it over and smiled at her pleased at her choice. “Undress please” he said. His politness irritated her.  He said this nonchalantly as he stood and walked to his own bag. She was getting a little nervous. He was acting like he had a plan and she didn’t know what he intended. Her fingers slighty trembled as she pulled her sweater over her head, leaving on her bra she managed to wiggle out of her jeans and panties without getting up. Finally she removed her bra and knelt there in front of him naked. She still couldn’t get used to having his eyes on her when she was undressed It made her extremely nervous and he knew it. He walked around her and looked her over. It was uncomfortable to be undressed kneeling in front of a man who was still dressed. Especially a man like this.

She felt him behind her and she tensed not knowing what he was going to do. His hands rested for a moment on her shoulder before slipping around her neck where he rested them for a moment. His hands felt heavy and she wondered if he could feel the fast pace of her pulse. She felt the leather of the collar against her skin as he fastened it around her neck. His hands lingered at her neck. He knelt for a moment at her side to see how it looked. The look in his eyes told her he approved and she never felt more his. She wasn’t sure if he had expected her to fight him when he put it on her, he knew she wasn’t sure if she would like wearing one for him. They had talked about getting one but had not used it yet. “Good girl ” he said and kissed the top of her head as he stood. He slipped his finger under the loop of the collar and tugged for her to come with him. She had no choice but to follow him as he lead her to the bed. It was then that she saw what he had taken out of his own bag. It was a black strap. It looked like his belt only thicker and she swallowed the hard lump that had expanded into her throat. “Pick it up” he said “pick it up and give it to me.” she listened right away and was shocked at the heaviness of the strap. She handed it to him without looking at him. “Now bend over the bed. Put your arms out in front of you- and don’t move.” By now she knew that when he told her not to move she better not move. Stretching her arms out in front of her she leaned into the softness of the bed. Wearing only a collar she wondered how she looked to him. From where he stood behind her she was very much aware that he could see everything secret about her body. Without warning he brought the strap down across her bottom- hard. It was harder than she expected and she cried out both in shock and in pain from the heaviness of the strap. But she still didn’t move. Her fingers curled into the blanket steadying herself for the next few blows that came in quick succession one after the other. She so wanted to move to avoid the strap that seemed to never stop but she knew it would only be worse for if she did. She did her very best to stand still. The heat and the pain in her bottom rivaled the hot wetness she felt between her legs. And she wondered if he wanted her as much as she craved him. Finally the strap stopped and he tossed it beside her on the bed. She could tell by the little appraising noises he was making he was studying the effect of this new toy. His hands caressed her bottom bringing her up onto her toes. It felt sore, almost raw from the strap and she wondered if it was as bright red as it felt to her. His hand went lower and found the dampness between her legs. “What’s this?” he questioned. Using the wetness he found there she could feel him lubricating the other opening to her body.  It was the one place on her body she hadn’t given to him yet and she wasn’t sure if she was ready. Her mind raced looking for the words to beg him to please, please not to touch her there. But she couldn’t find them and she wondered even if she begged him to stop at this point, would he? So far he had been very patient with her reluctance to explore that with him and she wondered if his patience had run out. When he slowly inserted his smallest finger inside of her she knew that it had. Instinctively she pulled her legs together attempting to shut him out, to keep him from exploring that part of her. Keeping his finger inside of her he spanked her hard on her bottom “I told you not to move.” his voice was stern but not angry and was even softer a second later when he whispered for her to relax into her ear. She felt his finger go a bit deeper into her and she willed her body to accept this new invasion. The pleasure of it was unexpected and she appreciated the distraction as her bottom still stung terribly from his strap. The mixed pain/pleasure sensation wasn’t unpleasant but she couldn’t get past the strict element of control he could master over her body. It scared her. She had submitted so much to him- given so much of herself to him and yet he wanted more. He wanted it all and tonight his actions were convincing her he was ready to take it. “You like that, don’t you?” his voice was gruff, restrained. When she didn’t answer he paused expectantly “Yes sir.”
“Yes sir what?” God she couldn’t believe he was going to make he say this. “I like what you are doing…sir” she hastily added.

“Try again.” his voice was patient, somewhat amused but she could take no comfort in that as she knew that could change in a heartbeat. His finger continued it’s exploration of her and he increased the speed of his assault. She was breathless with need and he could hear the confused desire in her voice as she struggled to answer his question. “Yes sir, I like it when you touch me there, I love to have your finger inside me.” It wasn’t exactly what he was looking for but it would be good enough. He knew how hard that was for her. Testing her a bit more he removed his smallest finger and entered her again with his larger pointer finger and wasn’t quite as gentle as he delved deeper into the very heat of her. She moaned beneath his touch and arched her back against his quick assault. “Please, please..” he heard her whisper and he couldn’t tell if her sweet begging was a request for him to stop or to never stop. It didn’t matter, he had no intention of stopping until he had buried himself deep inside her virgin bottom finding his own release.

D/s

the track

Well….here I am Wednesday again. Not quite a train wreck like some people have said though it feels like that sometimes. Unlike a train wreck we usually manage to get back on track. This time though…we are on track but the track is headed in a different direction.
I’ve refused to even consider seeing Richard once a month. He maintains he never meant to put that on the table and that it was always in the hypothetical. I also know once a month would not work for him. Not with me….I think if he had just some sub he met once a month for play or a scene it would work for him. It is different between us. Tonight we are there together and I am sitting up in front of him. His fingers are gently tracing my face and he is telling me how beautiful I am….I see the conflict in his face and he tells me how hard it is to understand how he feels. This love and tenderness that he so obvious feels for me yet the desire to hurt me….both are intensely strong and real. They are seamless sometimes and I wouldn’t want one from him without the other. He said he never loved a submissive before…and that he can’t believe how conflicting the feelings are…yet they are so real.
Anyway…..
I can’t continue doing what I am doing. I have been fighting this for so long….not wanting to let go at all even when I know I need to. Then when I am faced with his pain I go overboard and think I can just make the decision for us both and end it once and for all. I can justify it by saying I am doing it to make his life easier. He continues to say….easier does not mean better. I understand that now more than I did.
So we are adjusting. Things have changed and I have to say I am ok with the changes. I am not seeing him weekly anymore. I am seeing him twice a month for an evening….we are also going to meet for lunch or something during the weeks we do not see each other. I offered this up….and I am happy with this arrangement. For a lot of reasons….I think it will allow me to maintain some distance there. I told him for the first time I see our time together as a way to make separating once and for all easier and not time to grow closer. That is certainly good in theory….however after a night like tonight how do I separate. Still….it is time to wean myself away from what he gives me. It is time for him to heal his marriage without reopening up the wound every week. It gives me the distance to not care about that so much…to only focus on the happiness I bring his life and what he gives to me.
I know this is ending. I also know until it does I will be a good submissive for him.
I have also decided that I am not ready for another D/s relationship. I need this dynamic in my life….I know that. But one thing I have never done is just ‘play’. I’ve had two incredibly meaningful BDSM relationships….both men taught me a lot about myself and this dynamic. I have incredible respect and love for both of them and will for the rest of my life.
Maybe I can explore with a little more casualness for awhile. I can safely explore….can’t I? I would like to interact with other dominants….see what D/s means to them…to see the different dynamics people share in this lifestyle. I don’t want a new full time Dominant. I don’t want anyone to fall in love with me….and I do not want any drama in my life right now. At All. Nothing exclusive…… It wouldn’t be fair to him because I am obviously going to be tangled up emotionally with Richard for quite some time….yet Richard’s physical demands on my time are decreasing day by day. It’s a slow slipping away but not as painful and dropping me off a cliff….I am thinking that now with some guidance, support and protection from him I can safely explore a little.
I think Richard will be ok with it. I know how busy he is going to be…so i don’t know if he will have time to help me but he may. I am thinking that this may be an adventure. A start of something exciting….there has to be a silver lining in here someplace. 