the track

Well….here I am Wednesday again. Not quite a train wreck like some people have said though it feels like that sometimes. Unlike a train wreck we usually manage to get back on track. This time though…we are on track but the track is headed in a different direction.
I’ve refused to even consider seeing Richard once a month. He maintains he never meant to put that on the table and that it was always in the hypothetical. I also know once a month would not work for him. Not with me….I think if he had just some sub he met once a month for play or a scene it would work for him. It is different between us. Tonight we are there together and I am sitting up in front of him. His fingers are gently tracing my face and he is telling me how beautiful I am….I see the conflict in his face and he tells me how hard it is to understand how he feels. This love and tenderness that he so obvious feels for me yet the desire to hurt me….both are intensely strong and real. They are seamless sometimes and I wouldn’t want one from him without the other. He said he never loved a submissive before…and that he can’t believe how conflicting the feelings are…yet they are so real.
I can’t continue doing what I am doing. I have been fighting this for so long….not wanting to let go at all even when I know I need to. Then when I am faced with his pain I go overboard and think I can just make the decision for us both and end it once and for all. I can justify it by saying I am doing it to make his life easier. He continues to say….easier does not mean better. I understand that now more than I did.
So we are adjusting. Things have changed and I have to say I am ok with the changes. I am not seeing him weekly anymore. I am seeing him twice a month for an evening….we are also going to meet for lunch or something during the weeks we do not see each other. I offered this up….and I am happy with this arrangement. For a lot of reasons….I think it will allow me to maintain some distance there. I told him for the first time I see our time together as a way to make separating once and for all easier and not time to grow closer. That is certainly good in theory….however after a night like tonight how do I separate. Still….it is time to wean myself away from what he gives me. It is time for him to heal his marriage without reopening up the wound every week. It gives me the distance to not care about that so much…to only focus on the happiness I bring his life and what he gives to me.
I know this is ending. I also know until it does I will be a good submissive for him.
I have also decided that I am not ready for another D/s relationship. I need this dynamic in my life….I know that. But one thing I have never done is just ‘play’. I’ve had two incredibly meaningful BDSM relationships….both men taught me a lot about myself and this dynamic. I have incredible respect and love for both of them and will for the rest of my life.
Maybe I can explore with a little more casualness for awhile. I can safely explore….can’t I? I would like to interact with other dominants….see what D/s means to them…to see the different dynamics people share in this lifestyle. I don’t want a new full time Dominant. I don’t want anyone to fall in love with me….and I do not want any drama in my life right now. At All. Nothing exclusive…… It wouldn’t be fair to him because I am obviously going to be tangled up emotionally with Richard for quite some time….yet Richard’s physical demands on my time are decreasing day by day. It’s a slow slipping away but not as painful and dropping me off a cliff….I am thinking that now with some guidance, support and protection from him I can safely explore a little.
I think Richard will be ok with it. I know how busy he is going to be…so i don’t know if he will have time to help me but he may. I am thinking that this may be an adventure. A start of something exciting….there has to be a silver lining in here someplace. 

8 thoughts on “the track

  1. There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” ~Anais Nin

    Strength pixie. I see it here. It is tentative but it is there. Hold on to it and look ahead. I think a slow end is better than a quick one.

  2. Little pixie,
    Good luck to you. Casual play is dangerous especially for a girl like you. You are small, vulnerable and don’t you frequesnt subspace? Finding yourself in sunspace is ok, even erotic when you come to and it is Richard beating you- a casual play partner could really hurt you.
    Richard hasn’t made the best choices regarding you but I hope he ends this nonsense right away.

  3. I hope you get to meet some other people – local people who’re into the ‘scene’. People to just hang out with. Maybe go to some parties (you don’t have to play!) become friends with people … other sub people, dom/mes who aren’t necessarily going to beat on you. Just some social interaction, in a context that’s relevant, so you can establish yourself in your own right without having to rely on whatshisname so much.

    I think meeting other people like this will provide you with some freedom to explore. No romantic entanglements, no drama, but some fun social stuff, new experiences, new people.

    take care. Mia.

  4. To live in this world, you must be able to do three things:
    to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones
    knowing your own life depends on it;
    and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.

    Mary Oliver

    Hold tight to all you know is true pixie. But let go of what you know isn’t yours to hold. In letting go, in surrendering the world can be at your feet.

  5. This has dragged out so long pixie and you have taken so much. Don’t you want to have something of your own. How long will Richard let you explore before you feel obliged to be only His.

  6. Explore, live, have fun, enjoy…so many people are wanting in the world, you have the chance to be ‘something else’.

    Why wait for someone who ALWAYS leaves you waiting?

    I do agree with Paul and Mia…friends in the scene are so important, they can guide you past the playboys toward the real gems (they are out there somewhere I’m sure of it!). Move slow and dip your toe, ‘check the water’ before you dive in 😉

    I guess now you’re feeling better R thinks it’s a good time to loosen the reins…maybe it is, you seem positive… and yes there is ALWAYS a silver lining especially if you’re Pixie 🙂

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