D/s

knowing

 

I am remembering something tonight. Something that I had quietly tucked away to think about later and the surfaced memory has me wide awake.

I am on my hands and knees. He has pressed my chest into the blankets and my bottom is high in the air so he can touch me. His hands are rough and it seems like they are all over me and all at the same time. I have lost track of where he is touching me and how it is making me feel. My mind staggers to find that balance between pain and pleasure…surrender and struggle. He is physically there- all of him. His every breath and thought and touch is there with me and it is consuming my body. My every breath belongs to him. There is a hand in my hair and he is pressing my face into the bed. His words carry me all over and I hear them through white noise and the sound of hand meeting skin as he delivers powerful blows to my upturned bottom. It isn’t enough for me and we both know it. There are days it can be too much…just a hard spanking and then there are days when I need more. He reads me…no, it is more than that- he knows me. My signs, my moans, the anxious twisting of my body as I seek that level of pain he has carried me to.

“You need it, don’t you?” his words floated there and didn’t need to be responded to. I heard myself moan into the bed and his grip in my hair shifted so he was grasping me tightly by the back of my neck. His hand felt locked into my skin as if we were attached at that spot and he had grown into me or I into him. Then his hands were down my back and they were pinching my skin…seeking tight little pieces to fold between hard fingers. I love this pain…love that it is from his fingers. Deliberate fingers leaving bruises as gifts, as memories. It is as if he is feeding me….this nourishing needed interaction that balances on the edge of what is even understandable. I am squirming and my body is heated to the point of knowing I have climbed out on that edge with him and I am ready for him to take me wherever he needs me to go. He is pulling at my skin….spanking me hard…the backs of my legs even harder and I am lost in the sensation. I am begging him to not stop….to give me what he needs to give me because I am there in that red place where I can take it. That place of madness that allows me to drink everything from his pain…and make it my own.

He pushes me to the side and I roll slightly into myself never fully able to gather enough of a real thought to wonder what he was doing before he was back. I don’t know if he told me to get back on my knees or if I just did it. But there I was back on my knees for a moment before he pressed me down flat on my stomach. I felt a sharp bite of leather against my back and knew he had the small leather strap. It is the perfect size. It wraps around his hand once leaving the ideal amount of strap to meet my flesh. I feel it over and over again on my back and on my bottom and I am caught up in swallowing the straps one by one and my skin is like a orgasm. I imagine it flowing and lifting towards the leather…towards him waiting for him to bring it down again. I am sweating, he is too. And we have filled the room with color and sound and the smell of leather and power and surrender.

I know there is more and I want it. The edge of the strap catches me and I catch a scream in my mouth settling into a thicker pain that holds me still and makes me need something more. It’s there behind the shadow of his eyes and in the creased edge of his palm. I am lifted to my knees and there he is in front of me. My mind photographs this moment.

He is there naked facing me his body as damp as mine, as flushed as mine. He is breathless as I am. In one hand he holds his strap…with the other he holds me. I am passive in his grasp and he knows I wouldn’t stop him right now…couldn’t stop him right now from whatever his mind conjured up. I whimpered and his hand grasping my shoulder coiled around my collar bone to my throat and lingered there before biting into my skin. He watched me struggle against his hand to find a breath. My mind is throwing thoughts at him like daggers..press harder, slap my face- hurt me please.

I needed to cum and I was so close to finding that release and at the time I didn’t even think it was strange he had not come close to touching my cunt. I whimpered again and he understood.

The strap landed beside me on the bed and his now empty hand caught my nipple and pulled. I moaned leaning into him as he released my neck and pinched my other nipple. I leaned the other way and he gripped me tighter pulling the tender flesh away from me twisting them until they felt red and swollen. He smacked me hard across the face. I looked at him and he smacked my face again….again and again. Then he was smacking my breasts hard over and over. He pulled me over so his knee was between my legs and I was riding him…the slick wetness of my cunt was thick between us and he used it to buck me up and down on his leg. The friction was perfect…the stinging slaps on my face carried me into him until I was him and there was nothing separating us. From my mouth pours oh Richard…and Richard please…please…

There was that pure full understanding of who we were…we touch at moments like that places others have never touched- will never touch or understand. I know him…all of that inside of him that I get to explore. Like the edge of a volcano…or a dark sinkhole I am lowered into his soul that  is full of light and secrets and everything wonderful. And it is wonderful because I am there too and I have that same darkness and light and wonder in me…and he gets to play there whenever he wants.

My breasts were stinging….my face red…my body hot and pulsing with so many feelings…and I cried out as I came against his leg over and over and as I came….even as I came his hands continued its torture. Fingers biting into my nipples….pinching my skin and pulling pieces of me into him so I could never retrieve them….and the slaps on my face hold me still so I never want to move. I love it…I am lost in the power he has over me, over my body and I know he knows there is nothing he couldn’t do to me at that moment.  The power of that continues to stun us both.

I feel tears on my face and they are forced from my eyes from the intensity of my orgasm….and I stare into his eyes through my tears. He reads in them every secret I have ever had….and volumes of everything I have ever wanted to say to him. He reads how much I love him….and that he owns me regardless of where we are or what we are doing. It takes a touch or a look to make it all perfect. His fingers gather my tears and they soak into him to join the rest of me.

He crushes me against his chest and I cling to him like we are both slipping beneath the water and all we have is each other. And floating all around us are all the words that are so unnecessary. They have colored the water and have flooded the room. Speaking them would only drown us both so we say nothing. All I hear is Richard breathing and making soothing sounds to me. His quiet whispers contained no words…only soft ‘I love yous’ and this is why we do this…and I gather all of the ‘love yous’ to me like the life jacket I’ve abandoned and I know they will keep my head above water for a little longer.

He quiets me…he quiets his own mind and his own heart that is beating so loudly before pressing me back down into the bed….his mouth finds my cunt and he drinks me in until I am cumming against him. His fingers fill me….his finger slips into my ass before his tongue tastes me there too. He is all over me and inside of me and I am only a body at this point wracked with pleasure and I tremble again and again as he forces another orgasm from my body. I feel his cock against my lips and he presses deep into my mouth until I can’t breath. The taste of him consumes me and I love it…the pounding of it…the surrender of him using my mouth. He is speaking again and I gather his words to remember later, to cherish later. He pulls out of me and presses me down. Glimpses of my gentle Richard are back as he enters me… cupping my face between his hands he kisses my mouth and I taste myself on his mouth, on his tongue when it touches my own. He fucks me deeply and I am moaning…and his hands have my hands captured above my head and as he fucks me I press back meeting his thrusts. He has tears on his face and his eyes are overflowing with I love yous…I am lost.

He turns me over and he is against my back and he is telling me he is going to fuck my ass. I whimper because it has been a while since he has done that….but I know better than to struggle. It is only worse if I fight him….so when he reminds me how to breathe and how to relax and press back against him I obey. He guides me through the hard part….the initial invasion…the almost ripping sensation as I stretch to take him. Good girl…he whispers again and again as I take him into my body. Good girl….good God the pain is like a hot circle that I want to curl into because its for him…its from him and I never want it to stop.

Then in a deep thrust he buries himself deep inside of me…I hear myself scream but it is a scream of blended pain and need and pleasure. I lift my bottom so he can take me as deeply as he wants….he is fucking my ass hard and making me ask for it…he is making me say I love it. The strap is back in his hand and he is beating me again across my back and my shoulders.

I am cumming and I clench so hard around his cock I am fearful I will hurt him….but I only hear his moan and his pleasure when he cums deep inside of me.

He collapses on top of me pressing me into the bed and gathers me against him until we are as close as one person. We are one person. He is still pulsing inside of me. He holds me…and he carried me back to where everything is safe and even…I am still and he is still and he is telling me he loves me…and how this is everything to him and this is why we deal with all of the bad.

Then we are quiet again and there is no need to say anything. His hands are gentle in my hair and on my face…his eyes so full of wonder and love when I peek at him. I am safe and loved and he makes little noises to help me rest…knowing I need that soft quietness of just being with him after he has hurt me….those moments before I find my voice he is there to keep me safe.