bdsm · caning · spanking

“Do it for me.”

I’ve left the girl I was supposed to be and some day I’ll be born.
~Paula Cole

Nine o’clock. I have one hour until I head to bed. I had a late night out last night so I am a little sleepy but that is not the reason I am turning in so early. My wonderful, sexy Master told me that at 10 PM he wanted me to play with myself for him. No problem here! I am getting much better at this. Funny how something as simple and natural as masturbation can still trip me up when I have experienced so much lately. When I made the comment to him Friday on the phone Master said that possibly when he sees me again he will have me do it in front of him. Instantly I was in full panic mode and I wonder if he noticed it. I can’t do that, there is no way.
 I mean, I will do it if he tells me to do it because I am such a good pet and I never give him a bit of trouble……… Tantrum 
How does one do that in front of another person? And I know my head is in the wrong place as I sit and ponder this. I know that if I was truly his good pet I would only be focused on the pleasure that my doing so would bring to him and less about how uncomfortable it will make me. I am thinking that though!!!! Of course that will be my #1 thought.
I want to pleasure him. I want to please him and how can I do that if I don’t know what I am doing. Do I look at him when I do it, will he watch my face or will he only watch…..down there where the action is? I’ll have to remember tonight to check and see if I close my eyes when I masturbate. Will he expect me to put my finger inside myself too, because I don’t do that.
And I just know he’ll have the lights on, he never lets me turn any of them off. I hate that. When I touch myself it is always dark and I am under the covers. Pretty sure the covers will be out of the question. I also know that he will be distracting me somehow. Anytime I am on my back like that my thighs are vulnerable to his strap or the hairbrush….what if he touches me at the same time? What if he puts his mouth on me while I touch myself? What will happen to me then!

I need advice on this one ladies…..and gentlemen too! What’s a girl to do?

bdsm · caning · M. · spanking

Love Loss and Spanking

When you do things from your soul you feel a river moving in you, a joy.  When action come from another section, the feeling disappears.  ~Jalal ad-Din Rumi
 

A blog about love, loss and spanking.

I was recently asked why I mention loss in my subtitle when most of my posts so activey describe what I have gained from my experiences with Mark.This question took me off guard because to be truthful since adding that line I hadn’t given it any thought. Surely I had reason to do so, surely something inside me recognized this relationssip as having a certain element of loss. I answered the question, less astutely than I should have I am sure but only because of my own confusion. Certainly not because I didn’t appreciate the question. I have since given this entry more thought and I have come up with a much better answer.

The best people in my life are people who both give and take. Unfortunately, I do not have many people in my life that realize this concept. I have been a magnet it appears over the entirety of my life for people who have no regards for others. The way of the world, I suppose. When I think about Mark and I, when I think about our relationship and the dynamic of our relationship and the experiences within I see more loss that gain. Do not think right away I mean this with any sense of negativity, quite the opposite. Let me explain. The ‘gain’ part is simple, it is obvious. Anyone who has read anything I have written can see what I have gained from M. The loss part is not as easily visible.

My inhibitions

OK, so maybe this one is visible. When I think back to the first few times M and I discussed seeing each other again and compare it to the dynamic of our relationship now the contrast is amazing. In a matter of a few short months M has taken me from not even being 100% sure I was ready to experience this again to jumping in head first and leaving all inhibitions in the past.

My footing

My world has been rocked. Daily I teeter on insanity as I come to the realization that a person can actually want to be ‘owned’ by another. That I can willingly and yes, even eagerly submit to M to the point of stepping outside any preconceived notion of what is acceptable, safe or sane. He has that effect on me. An inflection in his voice heightens my awareness, the single breath I take before he touches me is full of wonderment and anticipation of not knowing if it will be pleasure or pain that he offers. I accept them both. The power of being told to kneel in front of another human and it feeling instinctive and unfeigned as you do it is centering to the point of humbling. Certainly to have pieces of your very soul offered unfettered to another constitutes as much loss as gain.

My innocence

I have seen so much and have learned so much from M that it hardly seems fair that I have taken so much from our relationship. I wonder if I can ever repay him for the gifts he has brought to my life. This is one that I give him. I realized very quickly upon reuniting with Mark that I still held so much of this inside me, even at 26 my boundaries had gone unexplored and untouched. This is in his hands now. It is my Master that will explore all of this with me, it will be Him that gently (OK, not quite gently) breaks down my barriers and opens me up to possibilities that in the past I would only look away from. This is the innocence I offer him, unrestrained, without any conditions, unused parts of my soul, my body, my heart that I place in his hands. This is the innocence I offer him.

My pride

This is the hardest to admit. Somehow I have been able to hold onto this over the past few years. Pride is a sticky emotion, if you have it inherently as many of us do it is hard to have it peeled away. People in my life, people still very much in my life play a good game of wanting to take this from me. Yet I am somehow able to stand and hold it out of their reach like a greedy child with a grimey hand. Because to me pride, like love has to be given not ripped out of you and trampled and with that mindset regardless of my experiences outside of M I still have this to offer. Once given it has to be nurtured into something else and given back to build that person up. As I give this to M I get it back, a thousand times over I get it back. Yet to not recognize I offer my pride would not allow me to write this untainted or uncolored by images of myself I would hesitate to share.

My control

When I saw Mark a few weeks ago I wish I could say the transformation from ‘me’ to ‘His’ was simple. In reflection I acknowledge the transition for me was so difficult because I attempted to maintain control. When I say control I do not mean self-control, I have that in abundance…sometimes, OK this is a problem for me but my lack of this hardly alters the truthfulness of this point. The control that I speak of is my ability to lay it all at his feet. The acknowledgment that I have the simple role in this relationship. Do as I am told. Obey Him.  Ignore the internal struggles, or more accurately revel in it. Ignore the swept away, distressing feeling of momentary panic that overcomes you when you know the moment of complete submission, submission laced with pain, is at hand. The second before the cane taps turn into strokes or the one breath you can take before having it pulled out of you by the intensity of a spanking or the pure will it takes to hold your hands up to be strapped. Just a note here about having your hands strapped- it hurts, quite a lot more than I expected. But anyway….

If I follow his lead, if I do everything I can to please him, to meet his needs I meet my own. I give this control, not to lose it, not to have it taken from me but I give it willingly because I get so much back.

My heart

I take back the comment I made about my pride above. This is the hardest because first of all it wasn’t supposed to be offered let alone given. Yet I acknowledge it is gone, he has it and like the rest of me he can do with this as he wishes. I wish I knew when this happened, and I say that like there would be one second that would have been the moment of separation but I know that is ridiculous. I know it is something that he had always had part of even when he didn’t know it was his. Even before I knew I had lost it again, it was his. I could list a million moments where I knew it was his. I couldn’t possibly list every word or every touch that made me somehow more His than my own. There are moments that stand out more than others. One I will mention because it was a moment that told me more than almost any other moment we shared that I had given it to him because I had allowed it to be broken…….God I am such a girl. It was a few weeks ago, the night we spent with our ‘audience’,…. really just another couple and their girlfriend yet to me it seemed like a roomful of people. As you know part of my punishment, part of my ‘training’ (though he has never referred to it like that but it feels like anything that is to make me realize my role in his life should have a name), was to have him spank me, or cane me in front of like minded people. This happened, and it was quite an evening let me tell you! I mention it here because M had and took the opportunity that night to spank the other two girls that were there. In defense of him, I place parameters on my actions not his. I would never ask him, or expect him to not do as he pleased with these other girls. But I also can admit just as vehemently that this was the worst punishment he could have scripted. As I saw this girl, who was really nice I have to admit, crawl over his lap part of me wanted to be sick. I felt physical pain, so much worse if I had been the one over his knee. He looked at her, and he touched her with the same eyes, the same hands that touched me and I felt as if the heart I had given had exploded into a million little pieces. Certainly it had, it must have because something was blocking the air from entering my body. And when he looked at her over his knee and he tilted his face down to hers like he does with me he told her she was a ‘good girl’. I can’t exaggerate how I felt, OK maybe I can because I do have the drama queen mentality at times, but again his words caused me true pain. If my heart had not been lost he couldn’t have hurt me.

I believe the cliche now, nothing lost, nothing gained. And there are so many lessons I have learned from all of my ‘losses’. They are simple reinforcements of my role in his life and his in mine. He puts concrete truths in my life, he supports the clashing of who I am -vs- who I can be, he allows me to gain in myself so much more than could ever be lost.
I hope He knows that.

bdsm · M.

Consent – posted by her Master

 thank you Mark…

The issue of consent has come up and rather debate it piecemeal with one individual, I intend to place my position here and rely on intelligent comments from the gallery.

A d/s relationship is grounded in consent.   No man has the right, legal or moral, to force another into servitude against her will.  A dom who thinks this way, and I believe one frequents this blog, seems (to me) to miss the entire point of a d/s relationship.  It is about giving, not taking.  It is an award of trust from the sub, placed into the hands of her dom who cares enough to push her limits, make her try new things, experience new pleasures and pains that, as another more learned reader posted on his blog, she wants to try anyway, but may not have the courage or opportunity to do so without her dom’s support and instruction.  To merely take that from someone is the act of a bully.  To be deserving of such tremendous trust and power is the mark of a true dom.

My own pet has consented to having me as her dom.  As a result, she has been severely caned, and publicly, tortured to tears, and taken in a way that caused her physical pain and a moment or two of emotional desperation.  She has been restrained, put through a freezing shower, and made to serve me sexually and otherwise regardless of her desires.  But because consent underlies everything that has happened between us, in other words we both knew that she needed these things and that I would not cause her true harm, any resistance was futile for her and arousing to me.  The way I loook at it, through intelligent discussion at the outset, we have set a few (and really, very few) parameters beyond which she cannot and will not go.  Those are nobody’s business but our own, but the point is that within those (very non-restrictive) bounds, I am free to wander at will, causing physical pain and dominating both mind and action as I see fit.  Those parameters, by the way, may only be retroactively expanded, not narrowed.  That way my realm is constant or growing, while her control never increases, only decreases.  I believe this provides flexibility for exploration, for the removal of mental and physical barriers while not allowing my pet, in a moment of weakness, to erect such boundaries.

That she has trusted me so greatly is an honor and a responsibility, a gift that can only be given and never taken.

bdsm · caning · spanking · Story

Something darker, something different. Part 1.

I know well what I am fleeing from but not what I am in search of. ~Michel de Montaigne

She was where he left her. Huddled on the bare floor against the foot of the bed. Even if she wanted to leave, and she was much too frightened to try, the small metal cuff around her slender ankle secured her to the metal rail of the bed. She was naked, she was cold and she had lost track of how long she had been sitting there. The shadows were longer on the wall and she could sense night creeping into the unlit room. It terrified her to think he would just leave her here alone as night fell all around her. With her knees under her she tried to pull up to have a better look around the room. It looked as if it was an extra bedroom, the furniture was worn but looked expensive as if someone could finally afford new but was still frugal enough to hang onto the old. Placed right out of her reach there was an oval rug, woven with greens and golds. It was centered in the room covering the waxy hard wood floor. The fireplace was massive and took up half of the far wall and was graced on either side with an ornate styled window. They were shaped like one may expect to see in an old abbey or deserted church only the glass was clear. The windows were high, too high for her to even try to see out of them. The ceiling however was lower than one might expect, and slanted sharply down on one side. Large hardwood beams supported the dusk colored ceiling. It made her think she was perhaps being held in a converted attic or loft. She strained her ears until they almost ached to hear something, anything to tell her he was coming back for her.

She had been blindfolded on the way here and he only removed the blindfold when the they were in the small room with the door closed tightly behind them. When he pulled it from around her head she needed a moment for her eyes to adjust to the then brightly lit room. He had ordered her to remove her clothing and she did so while he sat on the bed and watched her. The coverings on the bed were white and looked as if they were from a past era, handmade maybe and the linens added to the stark whiteness of the room. When at last she stood naked in front of him she instantly recognized the almost sadistic gleam in his eye and she was more curious than she had ever been in her life why he had brought her here.

He made no move to touch her just sat on the bed and allowed his eyes to devour her. She was his and he drank her in not wanting to break the quiet spell that her nakedness had cast around him. The longer she stood in front of him the less confident she became, he found that he like to see her unnerved this way. The fact that he could bring her great pleasure as well as agonizing pain was always between them. And when she stood in front of him he could see in her eyes that she did not know which of the two would amuse him more.

“This was such a good idea.” he said as he stood and pulled her tight against him. “A very good idea.” he whispered against her lips before catching her mouth in a heart wrenching kiss that left her breathless and confused. He nibbled sharply at her bottom lip and she whimpered into his mouth. He allowed his hands to roam down her body leaving no doubt in her mind that he considered all of her his. She was so familiar to him and his calloused hands against her silken flesh created an arousing friction they could both feel. His hands found her breasts and his fingers roughly pinched at her nipples drawing a sharp breath out of her. His rough touch promised unimaginable delights and her body, momentarily forgetting her fear, swam with need. She leaned into him wanting him to deepen his kiss, to continue his play. They both knew that he would only play with her as long as he wished. She felt his hands leave her and her eyes flew open as his hand grasped her around her throat and tossed her to the bed. He squeezed just hard enough for her to realize he wasn’t playing a game with her and she struggled against him. The blankets were cool against her back and she felt her legs tangle slightly in the covers in her effort to hold herself still. She knew he would not be pleased if she fought him so she did her best to calm herself. Finally he relaxed his hand but  he left it around her throat. His other hand traveled the length of her body. His mouth kissed a trail of fire between her breasts and down the length of her tummy. She heard the bed squeak slightly as he planted his weight firmly between her legs to plant kisses on the insides of her thighs. His finger traced a path through the down covered dewy heat of her and he was surprisingly gentle as his finger caressed her before finally entering her causing her to press against his hand in her need. He played with her for only a second longer before placing a hand under both knees he opened her legs. He left her like that for several moments while he stood and connected the chain and restrain that would go around her ankle to the rail of the bed. He alternated his attention between preparing her restraint with catching her eye and enjoying the view of the delights he had spread open before him. It was humiliating for her to be posed in such a way and he knew it.

She felt him again on the bed and she felt the harshness of the leather strap between her legs. He brought it down on her over and over until she shuddered with need, with pain, with something she could not begin to describe. He alternated his blows with a light exploring touch that was thoroughly intoxicating and so very seductive she knew she would be able to deny him nothing. As she lay trembling in front of him he knew he had played long enough. He pulled her to the floor and knelt to strap the restraint tightly to her ankle and he locked it in place with a small lock pocketing the key. He patted his pocket, and with a last, smoldering, lingering look at her he turned and walked out the door.

And that is where she had been ever since. Had it been an hour, maybe two? She knew she had dozed for a few minutes and when she woke up she was disoriented. She sensed he was coming back even before she heard the heavy footsteps outside the door, the small fine hairs tingled on the back of her neck and her hands felt clammy. She couldn’t believe what she saw when the brass knob of the heavy oak door turned. It was her Master, only he wasn’t alone. Another man walked in with him, a smaller man with dark piercing eyes that met hers right away as if to challenge her to say anything. Her eyes flew back to her Master and she tried to speak to make some attempt at a feeble protest but nothing made it past her lips. As they approached her she scooted back pressing her body against the bed as if she thought the little wish she had just made could allow her to disappear under the bed. A small sob caught on her lips as her Master stood in front of her, she looked up at him in disbelief. A thousand questions that she knew better to voice stuck in her throat and she felt hot, scared tears leave her eyes. Who was this person and what was going to happen to her now?