When you do things from your soul you feel a river moving in you, a joy. When action come from another section, the feeling disappears. ~Jalal ad-Din Rumi
A blog about love, loss and spanking.
I was recently asked why I mention loss in my subtitle when most of my posts so activey describe what I have gained from my experiences with Mark.This question took me off guard because to be truthful since adding that line I hadn’t given it any thought. Surely I had reason to do so, surely something inside me recognized this relationssip as having a certain element of loss. I answered the question, less astutely than I should have I am sure but only because of my own confusion. Certainly not because I didn’t appreciate the question. I have since given this entry more thought and I have come up with a much better answer.
The best people in my life are people who both give and take. Unfortunately, I do not have many people in my life that realize this concept. I have been a magnet it appears over the entirety of my life for people who have no regards for others. The way of the world, I suppose. When I think about Mark and I, when I think about our relationship and the dynamic of our relationship and the experiences within I see more loss that gain. Do not think right away I mean this with any sense of negativity, quite the opposite. Let me explain. The ‘gain’ part is simple, it is obvious. Anyone who has read anything I have written can see what I have gained from M. The loss part is not as easily visible.
OK, so maybe this one is visible. When I think back to the first few times M and I discussed seeing each other again and compare it to the dynamic of our relationship now the contrast is amazing. In a matter of a few short months M has taken me from not even being 100% sure I was ready to experience this again to jumping in head first and leaving all inhibitions in the past.
My world has been rocked. Daily I teeter on insanity as I come to the realization that a person can actually want to be ‘owned’ by another. That I can willingly and yes, even eagerly submit to M to the point of stepping outside any preconceived notion of what is acceptable, safe or sane. He has that effect on me. An inflection in his voice heightens my awareness, the single breath I take before he touches me is full of wonderment and anticipation of not knowing if it will be pleasure or pain that he offers. I accept them both. The power of being told to kneel in front of another human and it feeling instinctive and unfeigned as you do it is centering to the point of humbling. Certainly to have pieces of your very soul offered unfettered to another constitutes as much loss as gain.
I have seen so much and have learned so much from M that it hardly seems fair that I have taken so much from our relationship. I wonder if I can ever repay him for the gifts he has brought to my life. This is one that I give him. I realized very quickly upon reuniting with Mark that I still held so much of this inside me, even at 26 my boundaries had gone unexplored and untouched. This is in his hands now. It is my Master that will explore all of this with me, it will be Him that gently (OK, not quite gently) breaks down my barriers and opens me up to possibilities that in the past I would only look away from. This is the innocence I offer him, unrestrained, without any conditions, unused parts of my soul, my body, my heart that I place in his hands. This is the innocence I offer him.
This is the hardest to admit. Somehow I have been able to hold onto this over the past few years. Pride is a sticky emotion, if you have it inherently as many of us do it is hard to have it peeled away. People in my life, people still very much in my life play a good game of wanting to take this from me. Yet I am somehow able to stand and hold it out of their reach like a greedy child with a grimey hand. Because to me pride, like love has to be given not ripped out of you and trampled and with that mindset regardless of my experiences outside of M I still have this to offer. Once given it has to be nurtured into something else and given back to build that person up. As I give this to M I get it back, a thousand times over I get it back. Yet to not recognize I offer my pride would not allow me to write this untainted or uncolored by images of myself I would hesitate to share.
When I saw Mark a few weeks ago I wish I could say the transformation from ‘me’ to ‘His’ was simple. In reflection I acknowledge the transition for me was so difficult because I attempted to maintain control. When I say control I do not mean self-control, I have that in abundance…sometimes, OK this is a problem for me but my lack of this hardly alters the truthfulness of this point. The control that I speak of is my ability to lay it all at his feet. The acknowledgment that I have the simple role in this relationship. Do as I am told. Obey Him. Ignore the internal struggles, or more accurately revel in it. Ignore the swept away, distressing feeling of momentary panic that overcomes you when you know the moment of complete submission, submission laced with pain, is at hand. The second before the cane taps turn into strokes or the one breath you can take before having it pulled out of you by the intensity of a spanking or the pure will it takes to hold your hands up to be strapped. Just a note here about having your hands strapped- it hurts, quite a lot more than I expected. But anyway….
If I follow his lead, if I do everything I can to please him, to meet his needs I meet my own. I give this control, not to lose it, not to have it taken from me but I give it willingly because I get so much back.
I take back the comment I made about my pride above. This is the hardest because first of all it wasn’t supposed to be offered let alone given. Yet I acknowledge it is gone, he has it and like the rest of me he can do with this as he wishes. I wish I knew when this happened, and I say that like there would be one second that would have been the moment of separation but I know that is ridiculous. I know it is something that he had always had part of even when he didn’t know it was his. Even before I knew I had lost it again, it was his. I could list a million moments where I knew it was his. I couldn’t possibly list every word or every touch that made me somehow more His than my own. There are moments that stand out more than others. One I will mention because it was a moment that told me more than almost any other moment we shared that I had given it to him because I had allowed it to be broken…….God I am such a girl. It was a few weeks ago, the night we spent with our ‘audience’,…. really just another couple and their girlfriend yet to me it seemed like a roomful of people. As you know part of my punishment, part of my ‘training’ (though he has never referred to it like that but it feels like anything that is to make me realize my role in his life should have a name), was to have him spank me, or cane me in front of like minded people. This happened, and it was quite an evening let me tell you! I mention it here because M had and took the opportunity that night to spank the other two girls that were there. In defense of him, I place parameters on my actions not his. I would never ask him, or expect him to not do as he pleased with these other girls. But I also can admit just as vehemently that this was the worst punishment he could have scripted. As I saw this girl, who was really nice I have to admit, crawl over his lap part of me wanted to be sick. I felt physical pain, so much worse if I had been the one over his knee. He looked at her, and he touched her with the same eyes, the same hands that touched me and I felt as if the heart I had given had exploded into a million little pieces. Certainly it had, it must have because something was blocking the air from entering my body. And when he looked at her over his knee and he tilted his face down to hers like he does with me he told her she was a ‘good girl’. I can’t exaggerate how I felt, OK maybe I can because I do have the drama queen mentality at times, but again his words caused me true pain. If my heart had not been lost he couldn’t have hurt me.
I believe the cliche now, nothing lost, nothing gained. And there are so many lessons I have learned from all of my ‘losses’. They are simple reinforcements of my role in his life and his in mine. He puts concrete truths in my life, he supports the clashing of who I am -vs- who I can be, he allows me to gain in myself so much more than could ever be lost.
I hope He knows that.