Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleave of care
The death of each day’s life, sore labour’s bath
Balm of hurt minds, great nature’s second course,
Chief nourisher in life’s feast.
Of course I should be asleep, but for some reason sleep is elusive to me tonight. Have you ever had questions about someone, or something and knew better than to ask or really even wonder? The defense mechanism called gullibility or ignorance or dare I say…even stupidity protects us well. At least until another need, a stronger need depending on who you are takes over. We can call this need curiosity or really nosiness to simplify, or if you are the type like I know so many of us are and hesitate to simplify for fear we may miss the greater picture than we can call it being your own worst enemy. Maybe you don’t want to know the answers to your own questions, keep yourself cocooned safe in that little nest of warm and fuzzies that was made for you. Maybe the belief that you could have actually meant something to someone and been loved solely for who you are and not to replace what they used to have with someone else- or more specifically just aren’t getting what they need presently- would make you hesitate in gaining answers. Let me add to it, let me say that we should go by the premise that the very questioning or even the answers that you may seek should be irrelevant. Yet, you are human, very human and with that comes all the sensitivities of our species. After all who are you to question, forget questioning who are you to allow yourself a minutes pain for discovering what you knew all along. I mean, if you didn’t wonder why would you seek? Knowing all this why would a relatively sane, intelligent individual look for something that may cause them heartache. Yet, the side of you that is SO curious takes over and reaches in to someone’s life or someone’e past not really even knowing- or caring what you are looking for only figuring that there is something there because aren’t the best things in your life usually those that have a catch? Isn’t it the objects we most desire those that are not within our right to obtain? And aren’t we a selfish species, always wanting what isn’t ours? Like I said, there is always a catch.
So what is the catch?…. for those of you who haven’t already grown bored with my midnight ramblings that truly only make sense to myself at this point and that is most likely a stretch…. The catch is building something or someone up in your head to where you find them infallible. Big first mistake. What goes up must come down, the bigger they are the harder they fall….you get the picture. And when the inevitable fall from perfection, the in this case contrived tripping and falling off that pedestal occurs you see them in a completely different light. You are left not understanding why you are so bothered by what you see, that is if you understand even what it is you do see only that you are blinded by tears of your own making. After all, it is none of your business…really, is it? It isn’t as if you are not intelligent to realize the only person wrong in this situation is yourself. And that isn’t really the point though. I guess I wish I knew what the point was…….. Kind of funny that I just saw something of myself that I had been accused of before in my writing. I write the way I think,the way I talk, the way I process thoughts. They come to me randomly and that is typically how they end up on my screen- not good for people reading what I write, especially in the mind set I am in at present.
It is about being vulnerable. This type of relationship is all about trust and vulnerability and what preserves this, what makes this work is the recognition of the belief that what you share with the other person, whether Dom or sub is unique. Not a replay, not a replacement, certainly not a substitute or an add-on, an on the side bonus, or a bottled up been there -done that supplement in someone’s life, a side by side matching picture with only the time, place and person changing cookie cutter style relationship. To have vulnerability cheapened to have trust tarnished….how sad for all involved. To me, what you lay on the line in this sort of relationship should be complete, 100%, you should pretty much put it all on the table. What you have done, how much and how long you have done it, certainly the role you typically prefer when you are involved in this dynamic would help. Why? Simple to me anyway, being vulnerable deserves that, trusting completely deserves that and if you do not believe in the importance of either of those emotions what about loving, loving deserves that….right? It devalues every second if every second you spent feeling vulnerable, trusting and loving was based on an incomplete truth.
As elusive as sleep has been, my ramblings and this half bottle of really good wine I am finishing tonight may allow me to rest. Good night for now.