Today I had a discussion with a blogger friend about being caned until she bled. My first reaction was that would most assuredly fall way outside my parameters. Yet she explained it as not a whole heck of a lot different from the other cane strokes, the ones that did not bleed. She suggested it was where they had overlapped or just cut deeper into the skin. She also said that when she saw that she was bleeding she was excited. I kept waiting to feel horrified but I 100% understood. I would feel the same way. I am a visual person, I enjoy looking at my cane strokes, the redness of my bottom and my thighs after being with M. I love that he will pull me over to the light just so he can see every stripe up close, that he touches every bruise every mark he mars my body with. I get pleasure from that as well, the humiliation of being visually inspected is arousing. I know just by some recent conversations with M that he will again push my limits when next we see each other.Can I imagine having blood on me when he finishes with me. Unless that is a parameter of his. Absolutely.Over the past few days we have kept an ongoing dialogue up about just this topic. I was asked to look at some pictures that were linked to my blog that I felt were pretty harsh in comparison to what I am used to. Lupus caning pictures among others….M asked me how they made me feel.
Me:My first impression is horrific…..then I think mmmmm, maybe one time. I can’t see you taking it to that level …what is the point. Like I said, is it overkill? I don’t want the experience to turn negative in my mind. I can barely stay on top of the pain as it is.
M: I’m surprised. We have talked about a restrained, no specific number caning. I imagine this would be the result. I think you could get into subspace and stay there through something like this (not that it wouldn’t hurt…). I really see you as having a high tolerance for the cane so would like to one day, intend to, push it. I know.. let’s try it and see. 🙂
Me:(Dumb question) Can you really see yourself doing that to me?
M: Yes.And I suspect it will turn me on so much, I’d fuck you without bothering to untie you. Where I’d fuck you, I don’t know, but either way you’d feel me banging hard into your raw and beaten bottom.
So that is what I get for asking dumb questions. Drenched panties….lol. I told M today that the most arousing thing to me as I anticipate seeing him again is the knowledge that he wants to hurt me. That he wants to and that he knows he can. I will never fully understand why that just does it for me but it does. I love that his words pull something out of me, something primal and dark. That my own thoughts and reactions to him scare the living daylights out of me sometimes. There are thoughts in my head, things I long to experience with him that on a saner day I would cover my eyes if presented with them. Yet with Him I find I have little inhibitions, that I can embrace my darker desires. I asked him if he felt challenged by my seemingly high tolerance for caning. I asked him how having me under his power, completely at his mercy made Him feel?
M:I would stand over you and direct the cane vertically. Same with the flogger, that would be easier and I could use it much harder. Its leather straps would get between your cheeks, flail your throbbing cunt, slash against the inside of your tender thighs. How would I feel? I would laugh while you begged and then if you begged too much I would gag you, or maybe put my hands around your neck to silence you……. ……And a large part is wanting to take you long and far, take you to a point where you are mine totally, you resistance is gone, your tolerance is gone, the pain is unending and merciless, and where your spirit is completely mine……
I do not even think I was able to form a cogent response to these emails. They left me painfully aroused and trembling with anticipation. Yet a real concern and a real confusion lingered with me throughout the remainder of the day, it provoked me writing this post.Can I meet his expectations? I hope I can. I admit freely how badly I need this experience, how willingly I submit to every act he subjects me too. My only worry is not being strong enough to take all he asks me to take for Him. I am wondering if I will swallow my safe word everytime I feel it on my tongue or will I use it. Will I struggle when he ties me down and tells me he is going to beat me past the point of begging him to stop? Will I be welcomed into subspace…will I need it’s shelter.
Good night for now……