M called me ‘little girl’ today and I was caught off guard by how I reacted. It was only teasing words typed across my screen but when I read it I shivered with longing. I felt very lonely for him at that moment. I longed to hear his voice say it into my ear. It was not so much a sexual thing as something else but because the power exchange between us is so linked to eroticism for me I admit… it was a thrill.
I’m not a little girl, I’m an adult woman with all the responsibilities that entails yet when he called me that I realized how close the line from adult to child the role of being ‘owned’ or ‘pet’ or even just ‘submissive’ is. It is the power exchange….the ability of the submissive to allow another person to make the decisions, to care for her, to set the limits and the rules and ultimately provide discipline for infractions. I was startled by the safe feeling that grew inside me as I began to think this through. Do I want to be a child again, not at all. With M, well I’ll be anything he asks me to be and I think we have touched on some age play before….it’s not really role playing but more of a natural interaction that flows between us that is reflective of the real difference in our ages and I suppose even our maturity level and worldliness. Couple that with the fierce power exchange between us and there is no wonder he hasn’t called my by my real name in ages….he prefers ‘pet’, or ‘little one’ and I just melt when he says that. I’ve never been able to fully explain that feeling but I am a step closer tonight.
As you well know some D/s theorist claim that a submissive woman often decides to be submissive because it is a release from the power, responsibility and control they deal with day to day……whatever, I don’t worry too much about what other people say in regards to what makes me tick. To me, it feels natural and good and it’s right where I want to be. On that note, maybe there is something to be said for the mind’s ability to provide a person in one form or the other what they lacked as a child. I had never given too much thought to a person’s childhood making someone dominant or submissive, gay or straight, a bully or a victim. I have said before and I truly believe most of this is biological.
I think too much. I think back to my own childhood and I think that I am doing that more and more as I prepare to move back to the area where I grew up. For the most part I think I was a happy kid, as far back as I can remember anyway. I do not have any memories before my tenth birthday. I am not sure if that is odd or not. But I do remember the feelings associated with my early childhood. I was lonely, I think that emotionally I was neglected by my mother. I remember her ignoring me and to this day if someone ignores me it is crushing to my spirit like nothing else. Another reason why M and I agree that withdrawing affection as a form of punishment is not appropriate. I also remember overwhelming feelings of guilt and inadequacy from an early age. I remember my mother’s anger towards me that my father and I were close, I was taunted that I was ‘his favorite’ and often would try to distance myself from him to seek her approval. I never got it. I remember seeing her with my brother and sister clowning around and being close and wondering what was wrong with me and what I had done or what I wasn’t doing to be deserving of her love. She was never physically abusive towards me, though she allowed my older brother to be. I also remember being afraid to tell my father that she allowed that. She told me not to. She didn’t want him in trouble, I am only now beginning to recognize the message that sent me as a child and it’s implications in my adult life. I don’t know why I was afraid to tell him. I don’t remember her ever touching me much at all. At least not all the hugs and kisses I remember seeing my brother and sister get. I admit that even now as a mature and successful adult woman I require a lot of attention and reassurance from those who love me. She (my mother) claims I have jaded and very wrong recollection of my childhood. I know how I was made to feel regardless if it was intentional or not, I would never expect her to take any responsibility for my feelings. Even as a child we were responsible for hers. We don’t talk anymore and I doubt if we ever will again. Frankly, I have moved away from that negativity and do not want my own children touched by it.
So why did I tell you all that? I am just thinking through my fingers tonight and getting some of this out. How does it all tie together? Am I saying that my mother’s neglect and bi-polar like symptoms helped make me who I am. Yes, maybe but I do not want to give her that much credit. To say it is her fault…would mean this is something bad, or wrong or something that needs to be fixed. It isn’t. It’s love and strength and something so much more powerful than I have ever felt. And if it because of my childhood that draws me to M, so be it. What does it change? Not much, I know myself a little better which is always a good thing and you know me a little better too. I won’t go all Jerry Maguire on M but he does complete a part of me that was left undeveloped and neglected. He fills in the pieces for me, he centers me and leaves my mind focused and quiet. Like M, my submission has been a gift to my life, and one I wouldn’t change.