caning · Richard · spanking

And so it starts……..

It was my first time alone with him and I didn’t even try to pretend I wasn’t terrified. I could have tried to act very brave but I had the feeling he would have seen right through it. So I didn’t bother. His room was dark, and the sun was just barely creeping in around the heavy curtains. He pulled me closer to him and told me to turn around. When I did he brushed his hand across the back of my neck and ran slow fingers over each shoulder blade. He whispered to me that I was so beautiful, so tiny, like a little toy he said as his fingers continued to tease my skin. I closed my eyes and allowed his fingers to calm me. I wanted to relax against him but was still so unsure of what he expected. There was a definite hint of expectation in the air. It was a charged moment as if the very air surrounding us was holding it’s breath to see what would come next.

I was trembling by the time his hands rested on my upper arms and he set me slightly away from him. Richard had inadvertantly found a favorite spot of mine and everytime his fingers delved into the soft spot right on the back of my neck my knees threatened to buckle. I was in Heaven as the fear lifted right out of me only to be replaced with a sweet acceptance and anticipation. He told me to remove my clothing. I slowly began to undress and I pretended he wasn’t watching my every move. Once I was naked he led me over to his bed and told me to lay on my tummy in the middle. He patiently began to show me what he would expect from me. He wanted me on my hands and knees, face down. He asked me to arch my back and keep my bottom in the air. This was to be ‘the position’ and he asked me not to move. I had realized before that when Richard asked Ms. Anna to do things, he didn’t demand. He asked. He expected submission not struggle. If you are submissive to Richard you are compelled to obey him partly because of his expectation that you will do nothing short of that. I find that in itself incredibly erotic.

The bad thing about this position is the vulnerability of it. There I was naked, face down in the bed and he was standing somewhere behind me. His hands began to explore my body. His touch was gentle and insistent. He told me that he was going to use the same paddle on me that M had asked Ms. Anna to use. It felt very different coming from Richard. When he first started it was slow. Quick little blows that hinted at more. I loved it. It started to get harder to tolerate- it seemed he was concentrating on one little area. The paddle would touch everywhere but it always came back to that one spot. I was really starting to feel uncomfortable and still he continued. At one point when I just knew I couldn’t take another second of that horrible, insistent, wooden paddle I brought my arm around to block him. It was a rare moment of weakness on my part but at that second I felt as if I could take no more. He caught my arm and pressed it against my back for a fleeting second. I held my breath, because I just did not know what his response would be to what I had tried to do. There was no anger in his voice but it was edged with a hit of warning that told me he would not tolerate what I had done. He leaned down and his voice was close and soft in my ear. He said, “I will allow you to get away with doing that this time because I do not know your body yet. Don’t do it again.”
I had never felt so ‘warned’ in all my life. It was then that I realized what I had in Richard. Ms. Anna had once described him to me as a man who is in charge from the second he walks into the room. She had told me he was demanding, that he expected total compliance. She told me to obey him explicitly. It was the first time I doubted my ability to meet his expectations. It was also at that second when I felt that familiar urge to please. I wanted to please him, I wanted to submit to him. I realized that it already meant more to me than seeing what I could take I truly wanted to please him. That knowledge coupled with the stark need and desire I felt for this man gave me the strength to continue. It gave me the strength to obey him.

Finally the paddle ceased and he told me to roll over onto my back. I was so hot and almost frantic with need. When he finally touched me it was all I could do to not instantly orgasm. The pleasure tries so hard to cover up the pain but it never quite erases it. Instead it blends like the loveliest of watercolors across the page. He told me I was not to orgasm without asking him first. He wanted to know when I was close- he told me to tell him. I was so close and told him so. He watched my face as my body writhed beneath his hand. How did he know? How did he know just how to touch me? How did he know his encouraging words would put me over the edge? I arched into his hand and at the same time my mouth opened to ask him, “May I please…” and I couldn’t finish. And it was OK that I couldn’t find the words because he was already telling me to cum for him. It was so intense and I felt my muscles contract and clench around his fingers. I felt close to being out of control as my orgasm seemed to go on and on. I love when there is no clear beginning and only a whisper of an ending before your body begs for more pleasure. I wasn’t finished yet and either was Richard. In my post orgasmic haze I hadn’t realized he had briefly left my side. He returned with a small cane and was already tapping at my breasts with it. My nipples are ultra sensitive anyway but right after that intense of an orgasm I knew I was in for a quite an experience. Yet he didn’t linger long at my nipples before moving to sit towards the end of the bed. He traced the cane down between my breasts and over my belly button. It lingered there for the briefest of seconds before going lower. He told me to open my legs. My knees slowly parted and I watched him. My eyes went from his eyes, to the cane and back again. I knew what he was planning, what he wanted. I fought the urge to ask him to wait, to beg him to not touch me there with the cane. Even as my mouth tried to form the words my body arched against the caress of the cane as it urged my legs wider apart. I realized I wanted it…. as bad as it was going to be I wanted it.

And so I didn’t ask, and he didn’t stop. What followed deserves it’s own post. But not tonight. I have full day tomorrow and get to spend part of it with him. I think I’ll need my rest.
Goodnight for now.

M.

“Yes, I will go.  I would rather grieve over your absence than over you. ” ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

 M and I have decided it is best to end our relationship. Our pain is very great but we both intend to move forward through this sadness with the same spirit that drew us together. Our intention is to remain friends and to allow our mutual love to guide us out of this relationship the way it guided us into it. The days ahead will be hard so please understand if I do not write as often. Though if I know me my blog will become quite a therapeutic outlet.

I need and appreciate the support of all of you at this time.  I am safe in the hands of Richard and Ms. Anna and am moving forward in my life.  There will be much more to my story and I hope you will all follow it and enjoy it with me.

Life in general

Fate and other things I have learned.

I am and have always been a firm believer in how fate shapes our lives. From time to time fate has been a close and supportive friend of mine, other times fate has left me reeling. The funny thing about fate is that it is just that- it’s fate. A person has no control over what fate on any given day decides to hand us. I was talking to a friend of mine earlier today and I asked her if she was a believer in fate. She told me that her daughter was on a plane on 9-11 going for a job interview across the country. She ended up being stranded in Atlanta where just by pure coincidence she ran into a gentlemen she had went to graduate school with. The two are now married with a child on the way. Fate was a friend to her that day. I have learned this past week that regardless of fate’s mood- it owes you nothing, it gives only what it has to and takes as much as it can. Fate has a thankless job. We forget to thank it when it hands us something special and we blame it mercilessly when it screws up. Fate is like a quarterback I think.
 
I also learned this week that sometimes it is best to let go of something you love. Even when your heart is being ripped out, even when you feel like crawling under your blanket and sobbing your heart out sometimes it is best to push through the pain and carry on. I have learned that the things in your life that give you the most pleasure are not always the ones that are yours to take. Love can be selfish. The ultimate selflessness is sometimes in letting go. There is strength in moving forward, strength in accepting the loss of something that will always be held close to your heart but can never be truly your own. There is strength in letting go.

I used to believe the expression when someone said ‘my body betrayed me’ or ‘my emotions betrayed me’. I have learned that typically ‘we’ are the ones who betray our bodies, we are the ones who betray our emotions. Do we really allow ourselves to feel what our bodies tell us? Or are we burdened by guilt or some preconceived notion that what we do couldn’t possible be right or moral? We think because what we feel isn’t normal to some people that maybe we should find no pleasure in it. That is just so wrong. There is a song that has special meaning to me and in that song there is a line that says “…you bleed just to know you’re alive…”. Maybe I am learning to bleed.

I learned too this week that I am stronger than I thought. It is ironic that I write about strength when I have never felt so broken or so weak. Even as I sit here barely able to see through my tears I feel strong. I say I am strong because I know without a doubt that I am emerging from this week a better person. Less jaded in some ways, more in others. I know what I have lost, or at least I know that I have lost. I also know that I have gained. I am ready to ignore fate while tempting it at the same time. I am ready to move forward under the wings of people who are beginning to mean a great deal to me with the blessing of the one that I loved enough to let go.

bdsm · bondage · restraints · Richard

Hog-tied

“Have you ever been hogtied?” he asked me.
“No” I said instantly perking up.
“Do you know what it is?”
Did I? Of course I knew what it was, didn’t all little girls dream of that one time or the other? No, actually I did know what it was and had always been curious about what it would be like. I had minimal experience with restraints. Even bondage in general was something that had not been explored with too much depth.
He told me to climb up on the bed and lay on my tummy. I was already naked and close to being quite overcome with how relaxed I was already beginning to feel with being nude in front of him. Still, my stomach clenched because this was something new and wouldn’t being tied down like that render me quite helpless? Flashes of what he could possibly be planning on doing to me once I was tied up made me nervous. Yet I did what he asked me to do knowing that he wouldn’t do anything not already discussed.
He had given me a bag to keep my toys in. We went shopping together (we even went to Home Depot…yeah I know but I’ll elaborate on why this store is truly designed for submissive women, not carpenters and construction workers in a later post) and he purchased me some very interesting items. Anyway, he retrieved my bag and removed the cuffs he had given me for my wrists and ankles. They were soft and black but he complained they didn’t quite fit me the way they should. Still, they felt nice and heavy and there was no way I could get out of them. They served their purpose though I have a feeling new cuffs are in my future. I held out my wrists for him to buckle them and then he walked to the foot of the bed and began to place one on each ankle. Apparently part of this apparatus is a small almost cross- like piece that all four cuffs buckle into. He didn’t use that because it would have allowed me too much slack. He wasn’t quite happy with the effect even without using the extra piece. I think he would have rather have them be tight enough to make me strain a bit more. I was very comfortable in that position and it felt almost relaxing to have that pressure on my muscles. Plus, I am extremely flexible and can contort my body into quite a few interesting positions. 🙂 Again, another post.
I liked being all trussed up like that. I liked the  combined feeling of helplessness and vulnerability, the heavy feeling of the restraints pressing into your wrists and ankles. I felt very safe, very firmly rooted. I think this exploration may turn quite addicting.

bdsm · caning · spanking

Ms. Anna and Richard pt II

OK, I’m back. I need to finish writing this while the feeling is still here. I had to drag myself out of bed this morning because I was up so late last night reflecting and replaying my night in my head. As I said before last night was totally unexpected. When I stopped writing yesterday I was just getting ready to be flogged for the first time by Ms. Anna. She had ordered me out of clothing and I stood there naked, terrified of what was going to happen. I had a difficult time being naked with Richard, less so with Ms. Anna. We had talked at dinner about how modest I was and he had seemed to get a kick out of making me blush. Except now I wasn’t just blushing I was naked in front of them both getting ready to lay across the bed on my tummy. They were both full of complimetns telling me how beautiful and lovely I was. Just go with it was the advice I was whispering in my own ear. I felt safe and as strange as it sounds I already trusted Richard. I do not trust, especially men so that was unusual for me. I contribute that mostly to what I know about Ms. Anna and the fact she has been in such a long term relationship with him. Plus, his smile was soft and gentle when I glanced at him and that gave me the courage to go on. And Mark liked him, Mark had set this up and I know he has my best interest at heart so in my mind I was thinking of him and the fact he told me to obey Ms. Anna just as I would obey him. It felt daring and liberating to know I was making this choice. I wanted this badly and I was eager to have the experience.
Richard sat close to my head at the end of the bed and stroked my hair and back while Ms. Anna told me what she was going to do. I was already incredibly turned on so when the first smooth caress of the flogger brushed across my back I felt my body arch against it. The movements of my body were out of my control as I felt the heat from the flogger spread over my back and my bottom. It was an amazing feeling. The alternating caress with a sharper, stingy blow is something that I do not have the words to describe. It was one of those rare moments where you know that you could cry from the pure pleasure flooding your body. I felt stroked in a million places like a thousand knowing fingers were touching me all at once. The sensation was coupled with fear of the unknown, fear of the man with his hand in my hair and the uncertainty of where this was all going to go. Ms. Anna was very good with the flogger, the sound was all around me and it was such a different sound than a belt or a cane. It is a swooshy sound that lingers with you long after it makes impact. I learned that a flogger can almost bring a girl to orgasm, but more on that later. 🙂
They both touched me afterwards, stroking me and telling me what a good girl I was, that I had been so brave. Richard told me the flogging was as hard as what Ms. Anna had submitted to. It was a lovely experience and it left me feeling warm all over, and very cared for to have these two wonderful people be so nurturing and loving with me after such an intense experience.
I was a little trembly so Richard wrapped me up in a thick white blanket and I lounged between them in the bed. I felt played with, like I was toy they were both enjoying. The night could have ended here and I would have left happy but it wasn’t over. There is more to tell, so much more but nothing I can share right now. I learned a little about clothes pins and the stingy end of a whip. Lots to share but a pixie can’t share all her secrets at once, can she?

bdsm · caning · spanking

Anna and Richard Pt. 1

Things don’t always work out the way you have planned. You can enter into an evening with perfectly honest non-naughty intentions and all at once things can change very quickly. Such was the case when I met Ms. Anna and her handsome Dom Richard for dinner. As unpredictable as the night turned out to be Richard was just how I had imagined. He was very nice and incredibly handsome in that younger Sean Conery sort of way. He was charming, witty and had an amazing smile. I could also tell that he cares very deeply for Ms. Anna. He was attentive and kind with her. They acted like a couple that were very close and comfortable with each other. They teased each other and it was obvious they share something pretty special. Ms. Anna got to the restaurant before Richard arrived and it gave us a few minutes to talk. I tried very hard to pretend I wasn’t nervous about meeting him but she read me easily. She has a way of putting me at ease and I wonder if it is just her sweet nurturing nature that I respond to.

Anyway, enough of the boring part. Dinner was delicious and once I settled my nerves and got used to Richard’s presence I started to enjoy myself. After all it was just dinner.

At least it was supposed to be just dinner. The conversation flowed easily and Richard asked me many questions about my experiences and we talked some about theirs. I received an invitation as we were finishing up to accompany the couple back to Ms.Anna’s hotel room to watch the two of them do a session together.

I said ‘Yes’ with not as much hesitancy as I should have. M had already given his permission for them to ask me. Richard excused himself for a moment and Ms. Anna informed me that she and Richard had decided that I could listen to their session but I would not be allowed to watch. They felt it was not a good idea for me to see my Domme in a submissive role. I assured her that I had no doubt of her ability to dominate me. She had proven that days before. She could tell I really, really wanted to watch so she gave me permission to ask Richard permission to watch them. He seemed amused at my eagerness and quickly gave his permission. I think Ms. Anna was as pleased as I was that he changed his mind.

She was staying at a hotel right across the street from where we had dinner. I could feel Ms. Anna’s excitement as we left the restaurant. I felt a twinge of jealousy because I know that feeling so well, it made me miss M. But I knew he was thinking about me tonight and that provided some comfort.

Ms. Anna wanted to shower when we got into the room and she excused herself leaving me alone with Richard. He asked if I wanted to see his bag of toys and of course I did. I hopped up on the bed and sat on my knees eager to see what he and Ms. Anna had. What a collection! Clamps, and whips, and paddles galore. And the canes, so many varied types. One in particular Richard held up and said he hoped to use on me one day soon. Gulp.

They had ropes and chains and this little silver sharp pinwheel thing that I don’t remember what it was called but it was scary looking. Richard asked me to hold out my arm and when I did he ran it along the inside of my wrist up to the bend of my elbow. It was one of those shivery moments where time tends to slow down because of the sensation. It was erotic as anything and I am thinking M and I need one. He and Ms. Anna also do some knife play. He tried to explain that it is more the threat of the knife than it’s actual usage. I believe him because seeing him stand there holding it did strange things to my stomach. He again told me to hold out my arm and being the obedient little sub I am I did. He ran the bladeless side of the knife down my arm and up again. Wow…there is not another word, just wow. It was just intense. He has this dangerous appeal that Ms. Anna had talked about. She said that the minute he enters the room one can see he is in charge. I felt that right away and again it reminded me of M because he puts off the same vibe.

On some levels I was more relaxed but on others I was tense as could be. I knew Ms. Anna would be out any second and I wasn’t sure what he was going to do to her. Once she emerged from the bathroom he told her that he wanted to flog her. He said he wanted to tie her down to do it. He connected chains to all four legs of the bed and Ms. Anna was told to get on the bed face down. She obeyed him and once she was there he connected her to the chains. And this reminds me of something I almost left out. As we were going through the toy bag Richard handed me a heavy pair of black leather wrist restraints to show me how heavy they were. Ms. Anna and I talked briefly about how erotic it feels just to have them on. Richard asked me if I wanted to wear them. I was hesitant because I wasn’t sure of my limits were as far as M went. I knew that Richard had no rights to me but I had specific and stern orders to obey Ms. Anna. She told me to allow Richard to put them on me. He did and then he clasped them together in front of me for a moment before deciding it was more appropriate to connect them behind my back. So he moved them. He left me like that while he secured Ms. Anna to the other bed. It was then he realized that the clamp that held my wrists together was the one he needed to finish restraining Ms. Anna. He took it off me and just left me in the restraints.

Once she was all secure he started. It was slow and sensual and I imagined I could smell the doeskin from across the room with every blow. I was hot from the first moment the toy bag opened so this was adding to my excitement. I am a visual person and my arousal stems directly from my senses. The smell, the sounds, what I was seeing, what I was feeling was all incredibly, amazingly erotic. The gentle caresses of the flogger got progressively snappier and harder. I started to see a reaction from Ms. Anna as she tensed and cried out with some of the blows. I thought she was very brave especially when he switched from the doeskin flogger to a heavier one. He was so attentive to her needs, to her cues. I was impressed by their level of devotion to each other. He asked her on more than one occasion if she was OK and he told her to stay with him as the blows got harder and harder. He stopped and I thought he was going to use something else but instead he walked over to where I was. He had the doeskin flogger again and ran it across my arms. I sat with my knees under my chin and held my breath. He ran it along the outside of my leg across my arm and across my face. He asked me if I liked how it smelled. I did. He told me to touch it and see how soft it was. I did that too. It was a sensual experience and I could hear Ms.Anna breathing in the other bed. He sat down beside me and asked if I was OK. I was. I told him that I thought Ms. Anna had been very brave. They were both worried that her reaction has started to scare me and he told me not to be frightened that if Ms. Anna cried it was a release for her. Ms. Anna told him that she didn’t want me to be frightened if she lost it so they stopped flogging. He let her up and we all sat on one of the beds and talked for a few minutes. Ms. Anna told me that she wanted to use the flogger on me. She asked Richard permission- remember he is her Dom and she was asking him permission to do that act not for his permission to flog me. He has no rights to me, yet. He gave his consent. She told me to stand up and then she told me to undress. I froze, once again unsure of what M would say. He had told me to obey Ms. Anna but he had also said that I didn’t have to do anything that I felt he would think was wrong if it made me uncomfortable. She got a little more stern and told me to undress. I decided to do it and see what would happen. After all I knew flogging wasn’t an implement that was made for the bottom only, I was especially curious to see what it felt like across my back. It was decided that I would not need to be restrained and they had me lay across the bed.

I have to finish this tomorrow because it is super late and I can’t keep my eyes open…..it gets so much better. Good night!

bdsm · caning · spanking

Soap?

Apology is a lovely perfume; it can transform the clumsiest moment into a gracious gift.  ~Margaret Lee Runbeck

I owed M an apology and I offered him one today. I explained in my last post how I argued with him when he told me to give the phone back to Ms. Anna. I never argue with him and I think that if you asked him he would agree that I am mostly obedient. I try anyway. Sometimes we tease and play but I can always tell when he is serious. Saturday I knew he was serious and I argued with him anyway. And it wasn’t just a little “but M…” I told him No, I said I didn’t want to do something and I threatened to hang up the phone so he couldn’t tell Ms. Anna what I had said. I was terrible. I was disrespectful and I felt awful about it right away. He was upset with me I could tell but he also took into consideration the difficult position I was in. Though he would never, ever let me get away with how I acted.

Anyway, I am not sure what got into me at that moment except that I knew he was going to tell Ms. Anna what I said. I also felt as if he had truly misunderstood me. Looking back of course with a more settled disposition I realize it shouldn’t have mattered if I was misunderstood or not. Fact remains I should have obeyed him immediatly. That is our agreement. If I had a list of rules from him it would be number one. It distracted me through the remainder of my session with Ms. Anna because I try so hard to please him and I hate, hate, hate letting him down. It showed me how badly I need Ms. Anna and it shamed me that I am still not where I need to be with M. My obedience to him should be immediate and this time I blatantly disobeyed him.

I apologized today and this is what I said….

“I know it is too late to apologize and I know I deserve big time punishment for how I acted. I shouldn’t have argued with you the way I did on the phone. I should have given her the phone right away and not made it worse. I am sorry for acting like such a baby.”

What I just realized right now is this may have been one of the first apologies I have ever offered him without interlacing excuses. I think I am slowly learning that even the most sincere apology can be ruined by adding excuses.

He said….

“As for your apology, thank you. But please paste it into your naughty list as you wrote it. Given your acknowledgment of it, I know you will submit to being punished for it. I have a mind to wash your mouth out with soap, something you will find nothing close to erotic.”

He mentions me not finding anything erotic in having my mouth washed out with soap because I have the ability to eroticize all types of pain. He finds it challenging to punish me at times-  I think. What can I say, I am a masochist.

Me…..

“You would never do that to me, would you?”

Him….

“Yes I would. I think it would taste foul and stay in your mouth a long time. You’ve earned it. Task: post on your blog and ask if anyone has done it, what it’s like.”Me…“Yes Sir, but can I ‘unearn’ a punishment?”

Him….

“Unearn (not a word btw)… no, I don’t think so. You can try, of course. Your punishments depend on what I want and think, not on what you do. Hence I can beat you hard and long for closing a curtain too loudly or I can spank you gently and erotically for challenging my authority.”

I am very curious if anyone has ever submitted to having their mouth washed out with soap. I have concerens about allergies, chemicals and stomach aches. I even think most soap manufactureres put warning labels on the boxes. Something to the effect of..’not for human consumption’ or possibly..’ for external use only’. I also looked at the ingredients of soap and spent way too much time learning about all the actual reasons why it should never be put in your mouth.

I found this on:

http://www.sci-toys.com/ingredients/soap.html

“Today, soaps are made from fats and oils that react with lye (sodium hydroxide). Solid fats like coconut oil, palm oil, tallow (rendered beef fat), or lard (rendered pork fat), are used to form bars of soap that stay hard and resist dissolving in the water left in the soap dish.

Oils such as olive oil, soybean oil, or canola oil make softer soaps. Castile soap is any soap that is made primarily of olive oil, and is known for being mild and soft.

As warm liquid fats react with lye and begin to saponify, they start to thicken like pudding. At this point dyes and perfumes are often added. The hardening liquid is then poured into molds, where it continues to react, generating heat. After a day, the bars can be cut and wrapped, but the saponification process continues for a few weeks, until all of the lye has reacted with the oils.

Soaps are often superfatted, so after all of the lye has reacted with the fats, there are still fats left over. This is important for two reasons. First, the resulting soap is easier to cut, and feels smoother on the skin. Second, the extra fats make sure that all of the lye reacts, so no lye is left to irritate the skin, and the resulting soap is not too alkaline.

The saponification process results in about 75% soap, and 25% glycerine. Commercial bar soaps contain sodium tallowate, sodium cocoate, sodium palmate and similar ingredients, all of which are the results of reacting solid fats (tallow, coconut oil, and palm kernel oil respectively) with lye.

To these ingredients, they add fatty acids such as coconut acid and palm acid (the fats in coconut oil and palm kernel oil) as the extra fats needed to ensure the lye is completely reacted, and the soap has a good feel.

Polyethylene glycols such as PEG-6 methyl ether may be added as either surfactants, detergents, emulsifiers (to make the dyes and perfumes blend evenly), or as thickeners.

Glycerine is added as an emollient and texture enhancer. Sorbitol is another emollient used along with glycerine. It is often added to help make glycerine soaps more transparent. Titanium dioxide is added to make the soap opaque.

Pentasodium pentetate, tetrasodium etidronate and tetrasodium EDTA are added as water softeners, and to protect the dyes and perfumes from the effects of metal ions in the mixtures. These compounds lock up calcium and magnesium in the water, preventing them from reacting with the soap to form insoluble soap scum.

Gross, Gross, Gross….try eroticizing that. Again, has this happened to anyone? Did you get sick? Did you burp bubbles for days…please tell.