I am and have always been a firm believer in how fate shapes our lives. From time to time fate has been a close and supportive friend of mine, other times fate has left me reeling. The funny thing about fate is that it is just that- it’s fate. A person has no control over what fate on any given day decides to hand us. I was talking to a friend of mine earlier today and I asked her if she was a believer in fate. She told me that her daughter was on a plane on 9-11 going for a job interview across the country. She ended up being stranded in Atlanta where just by pure coincidence she ran into a gentlemen she had went to graduate school with. The two are now married with a child on the way. Fate was a friend to her that day. I have learned this past week that regardless of fate’s mood- it owes you nothing, it gives only what it has to and takes as much as it can. Fate has a thankless job. We forget to thank it when it hands us something special and we blame it mercilessly when it screws up. Fate is like a quarterback I think.
I also learned this week that sometimes it is best to let go of something you love. Even when your heart is being ripped out, even when you feel like crawling under your blanket and sobbing your heart out sometimes it is best to push through the pain and carry on. I have learned that the things in your life that give you the most pleasure are not always the ones that are yours to take. Love can be selfish. The ultimate selflessness is sometimes in letting go. There is strength in moving forward, strength in accepting the loss of something that will always be held close to your heart but can never be truly your own. There is strength in letting go.
I used to believe the expression when someone said ‘my body betrayed me’ or ‘my emotions betrayed me’. I have learned that typically ‘we’ are the ones who betray our bodies, we are the ones who betray our emotions. Do we really allow ourselves to feel what our bodies tell us? Or are we burdened by guilt or some preconceived notion that what we do couldn’t possible be right or moral? We think because what we feel isn’t normal to some people that maybe we should find no pleasure in it. That is just so wrong. There is a song that has special meaning to me and in that song there is a line that says “…you bleed just to know you’re alive…”. Maybe I am learning to bleed.
I learned too this week that I am stronger than I thought. It is ironic that I write about strength when I have never felt so broken or so weak. Even as I sit here barely able to see through my tears I feel strong. I say I am strong because I know without a doubt that I am emerging from this week a better person. Less jaded in some ways, more in others. I know what I have lost, or at least I know that I have lost. I also know that I have gained. I am ready to ignore fate while tempting it at the same time. I am ready to move forward under the wings of people who are beginning to mean a great deal to me with the blessing of the one that I loved enough to let go.