I am discovering things about myself that are hard to face. The same discoveries are impossible to deny.
I would describe Richard as probing. He questions me a lot about how I am feeling, and he encourages me to question him. He is also on a quest to discover as much as he can about my orgasm and I am encouraging that. As Richard probes I explore my own thoughts in response to his questions and insights.
This morning as I enjoyed the beach we talked about so many things. The topic of ownership came up again as it had the night before. We have spent so much time together in the past week one scene blurs into the next.
If my memory is correct and please Richard correct me if I am wrong you were beside me on the bed. You had just caned me with that hateful little flippy cane. (OK, I love it.. 🙂 ) I was in that post caning sub space where you feel sort of dizzy and uncollected yet all together focused and centered. Pardon the contradiction but some of you know exactly what I am talking about. As I lingered there I felt his hand between my legs which was exactly where it needed to be. I will one day orgasm from being caned. It is so Pavlovian and I suppose I didn’t realize I was vulnerable to such a classic associative learning technique. Sorry to digress but I remember my first caning experiences and being terrified. I hated it more than anything. I think I was destined to learn to love it because in taking the cane I took so much pleasure both before and after. The benefits of pleasing your Master/Dom can be quite addicting. I soon grew accustomed to submitting to it until finally I learned to associate the cane with pleasure. It is/was my favorite. Lucky for me Richard has a favorite too….yes- the cane! But anyway, he had just caned me and it wasn’t very hard but hard enough for me to drift away just a bit. I am not sure what prompted what happened next. I know I didn’t try to get away from him. I know this for two reasons.
1) I am having the most wonderful time learning about rope bondage and I was securely restrained to his bed. My legs were spread and tied to each corner. My wrists and elbows were locked and tied together. So that is the main reason why I know I wasn’t struggling. and…
2) I had just been caned. Why would I struggle. ;)?
But something must have prompted what happened next. As his hand played between my legs (and please Richard don’t fuss… I haven’t found my words yet) his other hand was on the back of my head. He pulled my head back by my hair. I was in Heaven. I love my hair pulled, I loved that he was rough with me. That he felt it was OK to be so rough that it not only pulled my head back but caused me to feel the strain in my neck.
Anyway, he began to speak to me. And I will do my best here to describe why him speaking can only enhance my arousal. He has a smooth voice and it was quiet, almost a whisper in my ear but there was no mistaking what he said.
“I own you.”
And then he made me admit it.
“I own you. Don’t I.”
So take a girl caned into sub space, naked and tightly bound and on the edge of orgasm and start whispering to her. Are there levels of sub space? I think so because I found a new level on this day. He totally objectified me. I was at that moment owned by him. I felt a helplessness that had nothing to do with being restrained and there was no question in my head that in that sliver of time I existed only for his pleasure. I liked that. When my orgasm came it was almost like an offering. It was as mental as physical, and isn’t that the best kind? It was a high intensity moment.
Anyway, I tucked all those emotions away into a secret corner of my mind. I wanted to allow them to briefly remain dormant until I was ready to explore them further.
I am liking the idea of being objectified.
We were talking today about my hesitancy to see Richard and Ms. Anna do anything sexual in front of me. I feel as if I am intruding , that it is a special moment and I should not be witness to it. What I am trying to wrap my mind around is that it pleases them to have me there and that should be the end of it. I told Richard today and maybe I am just extra insightful when I am at the beach but I was telling him how it made me feel when the two of them talk about me like I am not there. I especially like it when they share both my pleasure and my pain. At one point I didn’t know who was touching me and who was spanking me.
They will refer to me as their toy and they will discuss what they are doing to me next with each other. Usually this is going on while I am either being petted or stroked. I am not brought into the serious covnersation, I am not asked for my opinion. I am actually not asked to do anything other than to obey them. So I was telling him that I like all the emotions that come with being made to feel that way. Again, it is objectification. I asked him if he thought it would help me to apply the same ‘feelings’ to getting past the two of them being intimate with me in the room. For example, I can imagine the three of us together and there being a point in time when Richard and Ms. Anna do not require me. They are the primary relationship and so I would expect to not always be lucky enough to be the center of their attention. They’ll like the idea of having their toy close at hand but even a favorite toy can sit on the shelf. Isn’t that total objectification as well? We don’t need you right now so we are putting you away.
Maybe they’ll want me to watch them.
Maybe they will want me tied up in the other room.
Who knows, that isn’t for me to wonder about or worry about. What I do need to worry about is how to make that manageable for myself and even to turn it into something good. Richard stresses pleasure. I would like to think he would want me to find a happy place for myself during instances such as these.
And I think I have.