dreams · M.


The other morning I woke up knowing he had visited me sometime during the night. Rarely do I dream but when I do the dreams tend to linger with me and weave through the hours that follow. I just laid there in my bed and tried so hard to hold onto the feeling that I had woke up with, the feeling of being with him again, the feeling of a finally fulfilled longing that had left an ache deep in my chest the past couple weeks. It hit me hard how much I miss him. It made me wonder how he was with this whole thing. If he was happy, if he had regrets.
I hated laying there immersed in that feeling of being ‘his’.  I realized quickly I wasn’t going to be able to remember the dream. I felt like I had lost a chance to see him, to hold his hand, to hear his voice. I hated that feeling, and I felt very, very sad. Because I wanted all of that even if only from the safety of my slumber. I find it interesting that your mind and your heart have the ability to hold so strong during the daylight hours but once the darkness is the only noise filling your ears being strong gets harder. It seems that common sense and self preservation weaken at night.
After awhile I got out of bed and tried very hard to shake my ‘M’ feeling. BY the time I was fully awake logic was earnestly attempting to dry my tears and I was able to remind myself of the reasons we had made the decision to not see each other. I didn’t feel better. There is such a gap between knowing and ultimately doing what is best for yourself and for someone else and being happy with your decision. If I live 100 more years I hope I never use the words ‘I wish’ again because that is what I have been saying to myself. I wish I felt better, I wish things were different, I wish he were mine and I were his and I wish more than anything else in the whole wide world that I could say we didn’t do the right thing when we ended things between us. But that would be lying because we both know we did.
It is the deepest kind of pain but I am told it gets better. I just wish it would.

5 thoughts on “Dream

  1. Pixie Pie, you are doing great. You are brave, and you are strong – and you will feel better. I know you want it to feel better fast, and I wish with everything I could give you that, that I had a way to make it so; but it is not fast. Healing is slow. It is not a straight line up to happiness. There are ups and downs. And you know that I speak from experience here. But the up days already outweigh the down days, and there ARE better days to come. Hugs and a wish that you have sweeter dreams tonight.

  2. no regrets pixie, keep moving forward. You’ll be the better person, the stronger person if you can only continue to step away. I thought all along of one thing. Your heart was too meshed with your M. You held him up so high. I often wondered if he existed outside of your mind because you described him with such reverence and devotion. I teased you about your man of steel and I apoligize if my words ever seemed cold and unfeeling. Your pain is real and raw. Look ahead. Read Richard’s words- it appears he is understanding of your pain. I knew I liked that guy.

    I’m here to talk if you need me. Maybe I’ll drop you an email sometime.

    I too speak from experience and it does get better. It always gets better.

  3. Those are the hardest decision to make. The ones that are for the best, but your heart is not convinced. It does get better. I know.. it just takes some time.

  4. Richard~~thank you for helping me stay strong…for encouraging my growth…and for almost never getting tired of my mood swings. And I know there are better days to come….yesterday for example..;).

    Oh…Dr. Dom, please don’t apoligize. Your comments have only ever amused me…and actually the banter between you and Richard helped distract me through one of my worst nights.
    In many ways I want to agree that my heart was ‘too meshed’ with M’s…in many ways I can’t. And the reason is simple and you wrapped it up neatly in the first two words of your comment. No Regrets.
    I could no more refuse him my heart than I could refuse him my body. With the two of us it took both to make it work. It was and is a mutual love just as we share the mutual ache that for now it is over.
    And I know it gets better…it already has. Like Richard said there are ups and downs. I will learn from both.

    Mina and Dark Pixie! I have been neglecting your blogs and have tons of catch up reading to do. Sorry girlies…thank you for the hugs and kisses. 🙂

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