D/s · life lessons · Richard and Ms. Anna

Reflections

I read something a long time ago that at the time I didn’t fully agree with. It was a statement and no doubt written by a man that said most if not all women had the ability to manipulate. I never really thought of myself as a manipulator, of course I do have my ways of getting just what I want. But to me that is survival of the fittest more than it is manipulation.

But that isn’t even what I am talking about here tonight.

I am talking about Richard and Ms. Anna and how I tried to manipulate the two of them. It wasn’t done consciously. I didn’t realize I was doing it and to be quite truthful I do not even remember the exact circumstances surrounding the event. I know I had plans to meet with Ms. Anna and I had changed the time and then the date and then the time again until I am pretty sure she was quite frustrated with me especially since she had made arrangements for me to be introduced to a friend of hers. Once we finally set the date and our plans were confirmed I realized I was feeling a little ‘put out’ (you can tell I’m back in the south.)

 I won’t go into the exact details of why I felt that way but I did and it carried over into my conversation with her and then with Richard. I complained to Richard about what Ms. Anna wanted me to do. I am not sure what I expected. Pity? Understanding? I got neither. What I got was an email from Richard stressing his displeasure with my attitude. He insisted I call Ms. Anna right away and apologize to her, he said he would talk to me about it later.
Right away my first response was irritation. After all I hadn’t meant to come across whiny or pouty and the points that had put me into that mood were valid.
I tried to push the entire situation out of my head and go on with my day. I realized quickly it wasn’t going to be that easy. This was the first time that Richard was upset with me. Even though I was at work and we hadn’t talked in person that day I knew the tone of his email.

I walk every day around the campus of where I work and during that time I usually have my ipod and I just enjoy the trails but today during my walk I found myself quieter….my steps slower. I didn’t like how I was feeling. I didn’t like that I had tried to manipulate the two of them. I realized I was terribly distracted and upset and for no other reason than the fact Richard was disappointed in me. First of all, I certainly didn’t expect to care so soon if he was happy with me or not… yet I did. Secondly I was really able to see very clearly what I had done and how it could possibly take away from the dynamic of our relationship. The expectations between the three of us have been laid out very clearly and I am not quite sure why parts of me still rebel against a bit of authority, or at least authority when I find it inconvenient.
So…I placed my call to Ms. Anna and gave her a sincere apology. She accepted it with the same grace she has always shown me. I was truly sorry for my attitude and I think she realized that.
As far as Richard well…I knew he would deal with me later. I couldn’t get it out of my mind that I had let him down especially over something that seemed so silly to me now. Later that evening we were talking and he was telling me again what his expectations were of me….I didn’t have too much to say but he did. I really listened to him because I know he has a pretty good handle on what makes this sort of relationship work. He wanted me to learn from my mistake and in my head I was screaming that I already had. Hadn’t the fact that I had let them down clung with me all afternoon. I wanted the chance to make it right and I knew that whatever he decided I would accept. I also knew Richard well enough by now to know that whatever punishment he decided on would NOT be physical. Physical ‘punishment’ to me is pure pleasure and not something that should have negative feelings attached to it.
He had sent me sentence that I was to type in my blog 100 times saying I wouldn’t try to manipulate them again. He thought it would give me time to reflect. We were discussing that when it popped out of my mouth that my real punishment, my true punishment was how I felt all day knowing he was disappointed in me. Richard realized right away how sincere I was and I think because of that he knew I had been punished enough. He told me not to even bother writing the lines…I had enough time to reflect. He wanted me to write about the experience in my blog instead.

I find it interesting that sometimes my two worlds brush so closely against each other. I am such an independent person. I can’t be told what to do and I usually get my own way one way or the other. In this part of my life and it was like this with Mark before… I give all that away. I don’t have to lead or make decisions. I don’t want or expect to get what I want. I expect to get what I need and I get that in offering my submission. I can only get what I need if I truly offer my submission, 100% of the time not just when I am in the mood or it’s fun but all the time..meeting each task and expectation all the way.

That is the only way this will work. And that ultimately is what I want.

8 thoughts on “Reflections

  1. The interesting thing here, honey, is that there was a time in another relationship when you wouldn’t have felt the impulse to do such a thing. This reflects your own rapid growth in recent weeks and how, even in your present dynamic, you are finding your own skin….And I’m sure that Richard and Anna (even though they see the assigned task uncompleted) would agree and work with you.

  2. Ron, writing about her feelings was an agreed task instead of rote writing. Her blog is about her feelings, and this seemed like a good result.

    The only thing I would add is, as I told Pixie, what I didn’t like about the feeling of annoyance that crept over me was that I felt like I needed some kind of punishment, and I hated that feeling. I am not about punishment. So I was very, very pleased when it dawned on pixie that disappointing me was punishment enough. Real progress.

  3. Well done pixiepie.
    My comment is for Richard though.

    I would like to hear your thoughts as you explore why you felt the need to punish our pixie. I don’t mean what she did to make you feel that way but why/how you find yourself feeling that urge. It isn’t unusual in a D/s relationship, you act as if it was totally unexpected.

    Surely punishment is part of the game for some though obviously not your focus. Just interested in your thoughts.

    I agree w/ Richard. Real progress. Good Girl!!!

  4. Hi, DrD. I felt the need to punish her because she just wasn’t getting it, and she was whining about it to boot. As is apparent, the three of us are working through the dynamics of the Dom/Domme/sub relationships. While Ms. Anna is my sub, it is not a 24/7 thing or anything like it. She is totally independent except when we are in a scene. And so she is in one ear telling me that pixie is not showing her the right amount of deference, and pixie is in the other whining about it. Under the circumstances, punishment seemed in order. However, I had just spent the last two weeks (which interestingly was also the first two weeks-pixie and I laugh about that every time we think of it) teaching pixie that it was all about pleasure, not about punishment, and taking her in a new direction. To be pushed into punishment right then was annoying at least. And my annoyance at that quickly took front and center over my annoyance with the underlying subect. And of course, real punishment for a pain slut is no pain, and that would detract from my pleasure. So I gave her an assignment meant to make her think about it. And when it became apparent that she had, and that she got it, we turned it into an assignment to write about all that and all those feelings. A good result all around.

  5. I have been reading you for a short while now and was stunned to see that you and your M parted ways, for that my condolences. I have since read your journal and have been amused to date by the way you handle yourself and what experiences you are going through, but this post made me think and since it is an open forum to those who do read it and what you have to say, this particular entry made me sad, Sad that in all your writings you seem to find the time to write lengthy posts about your time spent with Richard and yet there is little to no mention of Ms Anna, since you came to be in the scenario you are now in. with not only Richard but with Ms Anna as well.
    It appears to me that Ms Anna now pales in comparison to the time you and Richard spend together, which is sad in itself since it was through Ms Anna that you and Richard came to be where you each are now.
    Any topic to do with Ms Anna seems skipped over by you, there is no foundation in the posts you now make in regard to her and for that i feel sorry for her, since it was her who first spanked/disciplined you albeit at the request of your then Master, i just hope you do not lose sight of how you came to be where you now are, and that you can find it in yourself to show us readers that this is not just about you and Richard, that Ms Anna does rate more than just a mere mention here and there from time to time.
    Maybe you and Richard are setting the foundations of what is to be between you and him, but none the less, i feel Ma Anna deserves some more time than that which you have given here to date..
    Just a mere observers thoughts here, and in no way do i mean to offend, but it is all too easy to lose sight of where we came from and how we got to where we are now.

    Regards
    Puppet

  6. Hi, Puppet,
    I’ll throw in my 2 cents. I believe there are a number of reasons for this. First and foremost is the time pixie and I have spent together. The vast majority of the new experiences she has had have been at times when she was with me and Ms. Anna was not present. So as far as inspirational material goes, I have been the lucky one to have provided most of it.
    And why is that, you may ask? Well, pixie and I live much closer together. While pixie lives between me and Ms. Anna, the distance to Ms. Anna is quite substantial, while the distance beteween pixie and me is measured in minutes, not hours. Also, because of personal circumstances, I have been able to devote a lot of time to establishing a relationship with pixie – and conversely, also due to personal circumstances, Ms. Anna’s family obligations have been absorbing most of her time. And lastly, as the primary Dominant in the threesome, I have felt it important and necessary to spend a lot of time with pixie establishing the D/s dynamic.
    Add to all of this the fact that getting 3 people together seems so much harder than getting two people together and I think you can understand.
    Later next week, the three of us have a date set to spend time together. I am sure it will produce some interesting insights from our pixie pet.
    Lastly I suppose, is the fact that Ms. Anna, while Dominating our pixie, is really a submissive at heart, and only learning how to play the other role. There have been occassions where Ms. Anna and pixie have spent time together where they spent the vast majority of time discussing our relationships, their roles, my techniques, and other almost sisterly topics. What I mean is that they have a natural affinity for each other that sometimes causes them to spend their time together in ways that are quite different from the time I spend with pixie, and that time shows up in pixie’s blog in quite a different way.
    I do thank you for your observations and insights. Ms. Anna and I continue to work out what our roles should be, what part she wishes to play, how we can make it work. Not much of those conversations involve our toy, so she cannot write about them. But I believe that all three of us are having a exciting time and we are all learning a great deal about each other.

  7. Thank you Richard for responding to puppet…and thank you puppet for your concerns. My first response to this was one of sadness…because I realized a bit of truth in what you said. I think my time with Ms. Anna has met a need in me that Richard never could…it is different and so very special in it’s own way. She is subtle in her dominating role in my life but no less important. Richard describes it perfectly when he says Ms. Anna and I have a natural affintiy for each other…she has been an amazing means of support for me as I have dealt with letting Mark go plus she has held my hand (literally at times) as I have grown in my submission to Richard.
    I hold distance and time (in miles) responsible for she and I not spending as much time together…and when we do it so so wonderful. We shop and talk and visit and her conversations guide me just as strongly as Richard’s hand does.
    We are still working out all the dynamics of this but in terms of ownership….I consider myself theirs..not just his. I hope this helps you understand our sitiuation a bit better. This is still new to us all.

  8. Thank you both, Richard and pixie for clarifying a few things to an avid reader, i did not in any way mean to sound as if i was picking on the dynamics of the relationship you all are building. More curious was all.
    pixie even just as an observer i too can see the growth you have and are continuing to make, it is wonderful to see, there is a new air of submission/devotion about you and i am a firm believer in “things happening for a reason”, i wish you all well on your journey.

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