I read something a long time ago that at the time I didn’t fully agree with. It was a statement and no doubt written by a man that said most if not all women had the ability to manipulate. I never really thought of myself as a manipulator, of course I do have my ways of getting just what I want. But to me that is survival of the fittest more than it is manipulation.
But that isn’t even what I am talking about here tonight.
I am talking about Richard and Ms. Anna and how I tried to manipulate the two of them. It wasn’t done consciously. I didn’t realize I was doing it and to be quite truthful I do not even remember the exact circumstances surrounding the event. I know I had plans to meet with Ms. Anna and I had changed the time and then the date and then the time again until I am pretty sure she was quite frustrated with me especially since she had made arrangements for me to be introduced to a friend of hers. Once we finally set the date and our plans were confirmed I realized I was feeling a little ‘put out’ (you can tell I’m back in the south.)
I won’t go into the exact details of why I felt that way but I did and it carried over into my conversation with her and then with Richard. I complained to Richard about what Ms. Anna wanted me to do. I am not sure what I expected. Pity? Understanding? I got neither. What I got was an email from Richard stressing his displeasure with my attitude. He insisted I call Ms. Anna right away and apologize to her, he said he would talk to me about it later.
Right away my first response was irritation. After all I hadn’t meant to come across whiny or pouty and the points that had put me into that mood were valid.
I tried to push the entire situation out of my head and go on with my day. I realized quickly it wasn’t going to be that easy. This was the first time that Richard was upset with me. Even though I was at work and we hadn’t talked in person that day I knew the tone of his email.
I walk every day around the campus of where I work and during that time I usually have my ipod and I just enjoy the trails but today during my walk I found myself quieter….my steps slower. I didn’t like how I was feeling. I didn’t like that I had tried to manipulate the two of them. I realized I was terribly distracted and upset and for no other reason than the fact Richard was disappointed in me. First of all, I certainly didn’t expect to care so soon if he was happy with me or not… yet I did. Secondly I was really able to see very clearly what I had done and how it could possibly take away from the dynamic of our relationship. The expectations between the three of us have been laid out very clearly and I am not quite sure why parts of me still rebel against a bit of authority, or at least authority when I find it inconvenient.
So…I placed my call to Ms. Anna and gave her a sincere apology. She accepted it with the same grace she has always shown me. I was truly sorry for my attitude and I think she realized that.
As far as Richard well…I knew he would deal with me later. I couldn’t get it out of my mind that I had let him down especially over something that seemed so silly to me now. Later that evening we were talking and he was telling me again what his expectations were of me….I didn’t have too much to say but he did. I really listened to him because I know he has a pretty good handle on what makes this sort of relationship work. He wanted me to learn from my mistake and in my head I was screaming that I already had. Hadn’t the fact that I had let them down clung with me all afternoon. I wanted the chance to make it right and I knew that whatever he decided I would accept. I also knew Richard well enough by now to know that whatever punishment he decided on would NOT be physical. Physical ‘punishment’ to me is pure pleasure and not something that should have negative feelings attached to it.
He had sent me sentence that I was to type in my blog 100 times saying I wouldn’t try to manipulate them again. He thought it would give me time to reflect. We were discussing that when it popped out of my mouth that my real punishment, my true punishment was how I felt all day knowing he was disappointed in me. Richard realized right away how sincere I was and I think because of that he knew I had been punished enough. He told me not to even bother writing the lines…I had enough time to reflect. He wanted me to write about the experience in my blog instead.
I find it interesting that sometimes my two worlds brush so closely against each other. I am such an independent person. I can’t be told what to do and I usually get my own way one way or the other. In this part of my life and it was like this with Mark before… I give all that away. I don’t have to lead or make decisions. I don’t want or expect to get what I want. I expect to get what I need and I get that in offering my submission. I can only get what I need if I truly offer my submission, 100% of the time not just when I am in the mood or it’s fun but all the time..meeting each task and expectation all the way.
That is the only way this will work. And that ultimately is what I want.