I am continually amazed at the way my body responds and accepts pain…humiliation….more pain…and of course more pleasure than one person should be allowed to have, all with this inward gratifying sense of acceptance. So many new experiences lately have just left my world feeling full and loaded with wonderment both at what I can do and what I can allow to be done to me. I am amazed at my ability to ‘feel’…I am amazed at how centered my world feels right now in so may ways. I feel a sense of structured peace that I can only contribute to where my submission has led me. Yet…I spin. Up and down with so many questions…days I focus on the loss…days I throw myself 100% into the here and now.Approaching peace comes with it’s own set of problems. Yet I have to admit…this is a good problem to have. I am on the brink of being quite overwhelmed. My mind is working hard to keep up with the sensations my body is craving…almost as if I am peaking somehow. A long steady peak…make sense. Probably not. 🙂The other day Richard had me reaching above my head leaning into the wall. He had already undressed me and was giving me a hard hand spanking right there in the living room. His hand was coming down hard and fast…and I felt breathless from the urgency behind the spanking. Sometimes Richard is like that, he’ll start a scene right away without a word. Other times there is light conversation and closeness before…either way I feel pulled in. Heavily pulled in… almost to the point of being weak with need and desire and a longing that will only be satisfied when he decides.
I tried to keep the small grunts and whimpers from escaping my mouth. He had told me once that he didn’t mind me making sounds like that during a scene as long as they didn’t sound angry…he doesn’t want to hear…..Ouch! or Ohhh!! in an angry ‘who do you think you are to treat me so’ tone. I understand that. Of course anger is the last thing I feel when his hands are on me. So after a few more minutes the moans and sighs of pleasure flowed freely from my body and I felt wetness on my thighs. I felt my body lift towards his hand as if inviting the blows that seemed to not stop. I didn’t want them to stop, I wanted the pain associated with his spanking as much as I needed something to calm the needing ache in my body.
Finally he stopped and he ordered me to my knees. “Crawl to the bedroom” he told me. I was shocked when he said this because he had never asked me to do something like that. It felt natural though as I obeyed him only looking up at him questioningly one time. I imagined him watching my retreating very red bottom as I crawled as gracefully as I could down the long carpeted hallway into the bedroom.
I won’t take up so much time to explain everything that went on but I will highlight some things that I am still rolling over in my head. Throughout the scene I often found his hand around my throat..or even better he would cover my mouth and nose and press down until I literally could not breath through his hand. My first instinct was to panic as it got harder to catch a small wisp of air but I fought that and allowed my body to float backwards. All I felt was my heartbeat. It was loud in my ears and I felt it with my body. I pulsed. As his hand tightened across my mouth his other hand was between my open legs bringing me to the brink of orgasm. Every loud beat of my heart was joined by a contraction of pleasure against his hand as I felt the hot wetness practically pour out of me. What followed was the most amazing intense series of orgasms I have ever experienced. Every time I thought it was over and I had caught my breath he pulled me back down into the breathless power exchange of his control.
I can’t explain the feeling of straining beneath another person’s hand for your next breath. I was overwhelmed with the deep feeling of submission that it took to allow him to control my breathing….the trust that I had felt with him almost from day one. That still amazes me…but what makes it so right and so real that although I offered my trust and submission freely to him he has earned it time and time again. Every time he gently brings me down after pushing my limitations or the care he takes with my body my trust in him grows. For the longest time I believed myself not capable of trusting anyone like this…other than Mark of course. Trust is necessary in this sort of relationship.
I want to write more about this day…so much happened. Maybe I’ll add later…I have a lot to think about tonight. So much I wasn’t expecting so soon…so intense. What am I doing!!