There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown
Some nights I regress. Sadly. Some nights I am weaker than others. I am so confused. I can go days and days and not backslide into this pit of sadness…I can go hours without his face crossing my mind or his name crossing my lips. Then I have nights like this. Silly, silly, stupid girl. What is wrong with me that I can’t move past this? Why is it still so hard sometimes? So raw and so real. Why do I feel like I am sitting here falling backwards when I have truly come forward. When I have come so far. When I have such a wonderful, truly amazing man that is teaching me so much… that has found his own place in my heart. Why can’t I stay strong. Silly, silly, stupid girl.
I am remembering when M came to see me in Pittsburgh. Flashes of the night settle around me as I will myself to remember and to forget this amazing evening. It was -3 degrees with ice and snow inches thick on the frozen ground. We were driving together and for once I didn’t get us lost. He was beautiful and sensual. I miss him.
What I remember most about that night surprisingly is just being with M. Sitting beside him basking in his attention and approval was all I needed at that moment. I do not think his hands left me all night. At one point I was sitting at his feet and had my head leaning against his knee. In front of us was one of the most erotic…..OK and a little cheesy display of sexuality I had ever witnessed. Yet ironically it was his hand resting on the top of my head idly stroking my hair that aroused me, it was the appreciative look he gave me every time I peered up at him that caused my tummy to flutter. I was more his that night than I ever had been. I remembering feeling like that night was a test of my submission to him…one that I passed easily. I have failed since.
I remember how proud he was of me. Proud that I was strong in my submission to him…proud to show me off in front of our friends and proud that I eagerly took what he offered. I know he isn’t proud of me anymore. That’s hard. I remember feeling his arms around me and him whispering if I was OK. And I remember him pulling me up on his lap and holding me close lost in each other until we noticed we were being watched. Then we had to hear how adorable we were together…how obvious it was that we were in love….and it was then that he looked at me and said that we were.
I remember sitting across his lap that night and him being buried deep inside me. Loving that feeling of being one, lost in one rhythm, one need, one purpose. Never had a girl felt more owned, more prized or treasured. I miss that too.
I feel like I should be apologetic to my readers for being so sad right now and yet a quote springs to my head….
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. ~Benjamin Disraeli
What is wrong with me that I lose myself from time to time as I allow myself to not only face but dwell on this heart wrenching loss I feel. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Why am I unable to maintain my focus in the here and now? My here and now is good. It is full and new and wonderful and I wouldn’t go back, I couldn’t go back. Yet I miss him so terribly sometimes. I am so strong but this weakens and pulls at my very core and I hate it, hate it, hate it.
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke