Sometimes what seems like surrender isn’t surrender at all. It’s about what’s going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to yourself is far, far greater. ”
~ Nicholas Evans
I have scared myself the past couple of days. I have avoided my blog. I haven’t wanted to write. I haven’t checked my comments or my stats…I haven’t even really read all the wonderful blog friends I am linked to. For the past couple days I have seriously thought about not writing anymore. I thought maybe I should just sort of go away for awhile. I am not sure why I feel this way..like I said I scared myself because I get so much pleasure out of writing about my feelings and experiences…fantasies and thoughts. Not to mention the wonderful, strong people who read me and offer me their strength through their own words and comments. I have learned so much about my own submission while reading about others like me…I hope you feel the same about me. I have learned so much about myself.
Do you ever just feel like you need to not share so much….I’m not sure what to do. I’d miss you all so much. And I am certainly not lacking for inspiration. I am on the cusp of learning so many new things and still have so much to tell you.
I feel this hardened block around me right now like my words aren’t flowing naturally. Maybe it’s because Richard is traveling this week…or we just had an argument about him not wanting me to talk to M or maybe it’s because I have lost a really good friend in Ms. Anna. I want my blog to be a place full of my positive thoughts and accountings of my submissive growth that is not coming across in my writing right now. Right now it is an archive full of where M and I were….proof of what we shared. It makes me sad. I need to rearrange my thoughts regarding my blog so that I want to come here and share my new experiences with the same enthusiasm and delight that I did before. How do I do that?
Not writing here anymore isn’t going to give me M back….it isn’t going to help Richard see I am strong enough to see M without falling apart. It isn’t going to make Ms. Anna be my friend again…so I am not sure where my head is. I am not sure what to do…I do know that if I can’t write about the positive I won’t write at all. I can’t live behind a cloud…not when there is so much sunshine on the other side. The loss part of “love, loss and spanking” pretty much sucks.