Most of you do not know anything more about pixie and my relationship than what you read here. Most of you don’t know, for example, that our pixie went through a short period when she felt that all her relationships ended in misery and wondered why she ever began a relationship. I believe that I have convinced her that all relationships end with pain (unless the two people go down in a plane together). Someone always leaves, someone always dies, leaving the other person sad and alone. In spite of this, and in spite of the fact that we KNOW it to be true, we enter relationships. We don’t let the knowledge that there is pain in the future keep us from beginning relationships and enjoying them and treasuring them for whatever time we are allowed, whatever time we have together.
Those of you who have been reading carefully may also know that pixie and I know we have a limited time together. The circumstances which give rise to this tragedy are personal and of no concern here. But you have heard me say that I am not the one true Dominant for pixie, and that I understand that my role is to guide her and nurture her and help her explore in a safe environment for some period of time, however long, however short; and at some point to help her find the next Dom. I most desperately hope to be able to leave her in a safe place, with a good man.
As you may expect, pixie and I have had many conversations about this. We began thinking in terms of months. We are now thinking in terms of years. But we both know that we can see the end – it is not as far out as it usually is when one begins a relationship, especially one of this nature and intensity. We finally decided that we would not start a relationship by looking at how it would end. We decided we would ignore the pain coming at the end, and enjoy the time we have together, whatever it may be. And of course we know that we are, as we frequently remind each other, “much to close.” We have been told this by more than one person. If I may quote Dr. Dom, “what are you two thinking?” I can only reply, Dr.Dom, you yourself love pixie and you haven’t even met her. How can you expect something less of me?
Both of us have had recent experiences with relationship loss. It seem that it is really hard to have something end with the grace and goodwill that one might hope for. I think that what happens is that both parties know it is ending, know it has ended, know that it must end, but then one person decides to acknowledge that and make it stick, and the other person feels rejection, and pain, and anger. I hope with all my heart that knowing this will help pixie and I to part one day, as we know we must, with nothing but shared pain and love – not the anger, nothing that will keep us from quickly reaching that point where we are sad but have wonderful memories, unspoiled by anger in parting. In other words, I hope that when one of us is finally willing to admit it must end, the other will be able to accept that truth. And I say this without knowing which one of us that will be.
As I read this over, it seems unbearably sad, and I apologize for that. For in truth, there is much joy in the fact that we have seen all this, and still we have begun a relationship which is making us both intensely happy. We are living in the moment. We have shared so much and have so much more to share. And we have time. No one knows how much time they have, and we are no different. Today she is smiling and looking forward to seeing me again. What more could a man want? I am intensely happy. I wanted to share all this with you so that you might understand more fully the significance of the quote which precedes pixie’s blog entry “Moments” and what it meant to me to read it. And I wanted to say pixie, I feel exactly the same.