I have recently started dating again. I am working through the ‘dating’ and having a Dominant dynamics in my mind. I am casually dating a gentleman who has pursued me pretty consistently over the past few months. He’s nice enough, handsome and successful in his field. I haven’t quite figured out if he is Dominant or not. He has that Dominant quality that I find so appealing but I doubt he is going to be what I need. I need so much. 🙂 I am fairly certain that Jay will not be the one to provide what I need. I am curious how other people have dealt with dating and having a Dominant at the same time. Is it as difficult as I am finding it?
I have sort of floundered around on my first few dates with Jay. When I am with Richard I feel quite a sense of being ‘owned’. That I am only now learning is more than just a symptom of his Dominance over me. It is turning less of a physical demand and more of a state of mind. So I think it is only natural that I would feel some conflict when involved in a situation where another man wants to spend time with me.
Richard has encouraged me to date. So that isn’t the problem. I have been very open with him about who I date and when. It would have almost been easier for me if Richard had said..”You are mine and you aren’t dating.” And I say that not because it would have been the best thing for me but because it would have been a limit that I could have worked with because it was something solid in my head. Richard does want what is best for me and so I know he would never do that.
The conflict remained in my head and Richard remarked about it more than once. I found myself avoiding interactions with Jay that may have turned a bit more intimate because I wasn’t sure what was appropriate. It felt wrong to let him kiss me when I have given another man rights to my body.
I am the type of person who needs structure to thrive. I have said before that I need black or white and there is little room for anything gray or shady in my life.
I had a date last night with Jay. He invited me to his home for dinner. He grilled a delicous swordfish on the grill and we shared a really good bottle of wine. Delectable! The date was a success and Richard played a large part in making sure it went that way.
Knowing my need for rules. Knowing my need for structure. Richard emailed me this an hour before I left to go to Jay’s house……as I read it I was quickly reminded of how serious and real the realtionship is between Richard and I. I am not sure when it turned this serious but as I read his rules I was overcome by how grateful I felt towards him for providing them to me.
In case there is any ambiguity, and knowing you like clarity, here is how I feel about Jay:
1. I am not going to tell you how to feel about him or what to do about him. You can continue to see him or not, as you prefer. I happen to think he is good for you, but I also think it is probably appropriate to be honest with him about how you feel or don’t feel. I am not telling you you have to see him, or tell him anything, or what to tell him. This “feel” part of the equation is yours to decide and to handle, and so is the “tell” part.
2. I AM going to tell you it is ok to kiss him.
3. I AM going to tell you that you are NOT to have sex with him, or let him touch your breasts or your ass or your cunt. These are mine. If he tries to, you are to tell him he cannot. You can tell him anything you want to explain that.
4. I DO want to know when you are going to see him and what you are going to be doing. The one exception is if he just drops in to take you to lunch. Then let me know afterwards. If he just drops in under other circumstances (e.g. at your house some evening), please let me know by TM. This is not a pre-approval thing. I am NOT going to tell you when or where or if you are going to go out with him – it is informational. I
want to know about it, not approve or disapprove it.
5. I will be happy to give you advice and suggestions if you ask for them, but I will be trying hard not to seem like I am giving you the answer. If I sound like I’m telling you to see him, or not see him, I am only trying to give you my best advice – THESE are the rules, not what I tell you when you ask for advice.
6. I reserve the right to change any of these if I feel it is appropriate.
Yes, I am feeling quite Dominant today and am feeling quite strong about my ownership of you. Your relationship with Jay is a part of you that I am not exercising my ownership rights over – I am letting you have control of it. Actually, I am telling you that you have to be responsible for it.
Except, of course, as set out above. Do let me know if you have any questions about this.
your loving Dom
This is exactly what I needed from Richard. I need to feel some element of Richard’s control in this portion of my life. Maybe because it is so new. Maybe because I am unsure how to navigate all this on my own…I am not sure.
I am incredibly grateful that he realized what I needed and that he was willing to provide it before I even realized I needed it.