bdsm · bondage · D/s · dating · Jay · Life in general · life lessons · Richard

Dating and Doms….

I have recently started dating again. I am working through the ‘dating’ and having a Dominant dynamics in my mind. I am casually dating a gentleman who has pursued me pretty consistently over the past few months. He’s nice enough, handsome and successful in his field. I haven’t quite figured out if he is Dominant or not. He has that Dominant quality that I find so appealing but I doubt he is going to be what I need. I need so much. 🙂  I am fairly certain that Jay will not be the one to provide what I need. I am curious how other people have dealt with dating and having a Dominant at the same time. Is it as difficult as I am finding it?

I have sort of floundered around on my first few dates with Jay. When I am with Richard I feel quite a sense of being ‘owned’. That I am only now learning is more than just a symptom of his Dominance over me.  It is turning less of a physical demand and more of a state of mind. So I think it is only natural that I would feel some conflict when involved in a situation where another man wants to spend time with me.

Richard has encouraged me to date. So that isn’t the problem. I have been very open with him about who I date and when. It would have almost been easier for me if Richard had said..”You are mine and you aren’t dating.” And I say that not because it would have been the best thing for me but because it would have been a limit that I could have worked with because it was something solid in my head. Richard does want what is best for me and so I know he would never do that.

The conflict remained in my head and Richard remarked about it  more than once. I found myself avoiding interactions with Jay that may have turned a bit more intimate because I wasn’t sure what was appropriate. It felt wrong to let him kiss me when I have given another man rights to my body.

I am the type of person who needs structure to thrive. I have said before that I need black or white and there is little room for anything gray or shady in my life.

I had a date last night with Jay. He invited me to his home for dinner. He grilled a delicous swordfish on the grill and we shared a really good bottle of wine. Delectable! The date was a success and Richard played a large part in making sure it went that way.

Knowing my need for rules. Knowing my need for structure. Richard emailed me this an hour before I left to go to Jay’s house……as I read it I was quickly reminded of how serious and real the realtionship is between Richard and I. I am not sure when it turned this serious but as I read his rules I was overcome by how grateful I felt towards him for providing them to me. 


In case there is any ambiguity, and knowing you like clarity, here is how I feel about Jay:

1.  I am not going to tell you how to feel about him or what to do about him.  You can continue to see him or not, as you prefer.  I happen to think he is good for you, but I also think it is probably appropriate to be honest with him about how you feel or don’t feel.  I am not telling you you have to see him, or tell him anything, or what to tell him.  This “feel” part of the equation is yours to decide and to handle, and so is the “tell” part.

2.  I AM going to tell you it is ok to kiss him.

3.  I AM going to tell you that you are NOT to have sex with him, or let him touch your breasts or your ass or your cunt.  These are mine.  If he tries to, you are to tell him he cannot.  You can tell him anything you want to explain that.

4.   I DO want to know when you are going to see him and what you are going to be doing.  The one exception is if he just drops in to take you to lunch.  Then let me know afterwards.  If he just drops in under other circumstances (e.g. at your house some evening), please let me know by TM.  This is not a pre-approval thing.  I am NOT going to tell you when or where or if you are going to go out with him – it is informational.  I
want to know about it, not approve or disapprove it.

5.  I will be happy to give you advice and suggestions if you ask for them, but I will be trying hard not to seem like I am giving you the answer.  If I sound like I’m telling you to see him, or not see him, I am only trying to give you my best advice – THESE are the rules, not what I tell you when you ask for advice.

6.  I reserve the right to change any of these if I feel it is appropriate.

Yes, I am feeling quite Dominant today and am feeling quite strong about my ownership of you.  Your relationship with Jay is a part of you that I am not exercising my ownership rights over – I am letting you have control of it.  Actually, I am telling you that you have to be responsible for it.
Except, of course, as set out above.  Do let me know if you have any questions about this.

your loving Dom


 This is exactly what I needed from Richard. I need to feel some element of Richard’s control in this portion of my life. Maybe because it is so new. Maybe because I am unsure how to navigate all this on my own…I am not sure.

I am incredibly grateful that he realized what I needed and that he was willing to provide it before I even realized I needed it.

16 thoughts on “Dating and Doms….

  1. OK, for any doubters, this should lay to rest any thoughts that I am telling pixie what to write or what not to write.

    A few other facts of interest:
    1. these rules are based on a LOT of conversations with pixie about how she feels about Jay, whether or not she thinks he has a chance at being “Mr. Right”, whether she needs any more complications in her life right now, etc.
    2. these rules apply to her dates with Jay, not just anyone. Again, based on what I know about him and what I know about her and what I know about how she feels about him. Different rules might apply to different dates.
    3. from the above you can tell the rules didn’t just come out of thin air. They weren’t developed in a vacuum. They are much less personal to me – and more tailored to pixie, and Jay of course.
    4. pixie is not “out of the closet” so to speak, with Jay about her submissiveness.
    5. The most important parts of these rules are not the prohibitions. The most important parts are the parts that attempt to clarify HER responsibility for dealing with the emotions of it. I am trying to make it clear that there are some things I cannot decide for her, as much as she might prefer a black & white answer (e.g. don’t go out with him, do go out with him).
    6. I swear that if she rolls in at 4 in the morning about one more time I am giving her a curfew.

  2. Ah, the old “you wouldn’t do that to me” thing. First on the list of things never to say to your Dom. 🙂

  3. firstly pixiepie, that is the absolute worse thing to say to a Dom, they always take it as a dare. In my experience, they not only do it, but they make it even more evil than the thing you hoped they wouldnt do.

    anyway onto the important part of your post. i personally cannot imagine dating anyone, while i am owned/sub to Sir. I find the whole concept to hard to even imagine. I know people do it if they are already in a relationship but how do you start a new one. There are several people whose blogs i read who are in the same predicament and i just can not grasp how it works. I will be following this with interest and good luck to you.

    PS i have to be in bed at 10.30pm every night, maybe you could try that time Richard?? smiles, sorry pixie pie XXXXX

  4. pixie- i am with katie…that sounded like a dare…which is not something to do to your Dom…lol.

    i know what you mean about having things black and white…now gray areas…that maybe leave room for what ifs…i truly understand that. but, i also understand that Richard is giving you the room to make some decisions on your own about Jay and your relationship with him. i hope it all works out like you want it to.

    like katie, i will be checking in to see what happens next.

    i miss you!


  5. It sounds like a fascinating experiment. But if things go well with Jay, sooner or later you will have to let the cat (or the kitten?) out of the bag about your submissiveness. I guess you will be guided in this by Richard.

  6. I’m sure most of you have moved on, but I have to come back to this one ore time. Roper, I could write a post about what you said – it is right on the money. As a friend of pixie’s, you know why I think it is a good idea for her to date. And to Katie’s point (how will you make this work?), I can only say that circumstances are such that it is important to try to make it work. But it constantly evolves in our heads. Now we are thinking (partly because of the Jay experience), that when the time comes, we should look for Doms and find one pixie likes, as opposed to finding a man pixie likes, and then figuring out if he is a Dom, or if he can handle pixie’s submissiveness. (see Persephone’s recent post on this subject). However, in either case, I think the dating is good for her.
    And DarkPixie, your comment about hoping it ‘works out like you want it to’ brought a smile to my face. It reminds me of the saying “when the gods want to punish you, they answer your prayers.” LOL. If only we could be sure we’d be happy if it worked out just the way we wanted it to! But thank you for the thought – I expect we’ll be hearing more about this. 🙂

  7. Ok, i havent moved on cause this really fascinates me. If she gets to date a Dom, wont that cause conflict of interest, no Dom i know would want to play second fiddle to another Dom. Dating is a minefield but with D/s thrown in, it seems like it is not possible. Just like with persephone, i really hope and pray it works and shuts me up with my doubting.

  8. katie…it will be interesting for sure to see how this works out. I think I should stress that I am fighting the idea of dating for several reasons….one being I am just not ready.

    I am also not ready to ‘give up’ Richard and I agree with you that if I exclusivlely look for and date Dominant men I risk being asked to do just that. On one hand you might say..well isn’t that the main objective here… have me in a safe secure relationship so when Richard and I are forced to part he will know I am in a good place…..maybe. I am not ready for that….he isn’t either. He isn’t ready to give me up any more than I am ready to be given up. So my dating certainly has risks for us. I am not sure if my life is big enough for two Dominants. I am not sure if Richard could face sharing me with another Dominant. I think all of these questions will eventually be answered once they are put before us.
    On the other hand dating vanilla is a waste of my time….a man who is non-Dominant quickly falls short in my book. I have a long list of criteria….I have high standards. I have had two very wonderful D/s experiences so far in my life to hold every other man up against in my life. Most will not come close to measuring up.
    I think what Richard is trying to say is that if I happen to meet one that does….then he would not stand in my way as I explored that relationship. In fact he would off the same strong guidance and support he has given me throughout our own relationship.
    I have said enough, I imagine he want to respond to your questions as well. Thanks katie…

  9. katie and pixie- I really appreciate that the conversation goes on – as I said, it is evolving in my head, and every post and comment makes it move a little more. Let me see if I can pin down what I think about it today:
    1. you must start with the knowledge that pixie and I know we are not going to grow old together. Just accept that – it is a given. We don’t wish to spend a lot of effort explaining why that is – so for purposes of this discussion, assume I am dying of cancer or something equally horrendous. I’m not (or at least I don’t know it if I am) but assume it.
    2. because of no. 1, my role in pixie’s life is to be her guide and Dominant for as long as we both can make that work, and to help her find my successor.
    3. in a perfect world, on the precise day that pixie and I must part, I would hand over the keys to a new, worthy, fully-trained, loving Dom and pixie and he could begin a new life together. Yeah, right. So yes, I worry that we will find Mr. Right too soon, or not soon enough.
    4. My greedy, selfish self would prefer it be not soon enough. My responsible, have-pixie’s-best-interest-at -heart side wants it to be too soon. I am doing my best to be responsible.
    5. while I want it to be too soon, right now is WAY too soon; on this pixie and I are in complete agreement. First, we are having way too much fun to think about giving it up. Second, she needs a period of stability after a VERY emotional year.
    6. dating, and having male friends her own age, is good for her. Just my opinion. Sometimes she agrees, sometimes she thinks it is a waste of time. I think developing a social network in the community you plan to live in for a long time is good. It doesn’t have to be romantic every time – not every date is going to be with Mr. Right, or even a potential Mr. Right. Who knows – lightning could strike.
    7. If lightning strikes, I will get out of the way, even if it is “too soon.” ( by which I mean, sooner than I would like). That is my responsibility to her.
    8. If lightning doesn’t strike, then at some point we (together) will commence a Dom search. Maybe we won’t find Mr. Right that way either, but we will need to find Mr. Safe, Dependable, Capable, Caring, Responsible, Demanding, perhaps Sadistic Dominant that has enough going for him that pixie and I feel good about putting her under his control, care and guidance. It happened once – it could happen again.
    9. at no point do I envision her having to deal with two Dom’s. If lightning strikes, I will get out of the way. If it doesn’t, and we find a suitable replacement some other way, then there will be a handoff. No, I don’t expect this to be easy. More accurately, I know this will be very, very hard.
    10. And of course, “at some point” (when we shoujld begin a search) remains completely undefined, and that is the hardest part for me. I don’t know when that should be.

    I remain open to ideas and suggestions and well-wishes (LOL), and reserve the right to feel differently about it all tomorrow, or even this afternoon.

    “No one said it would be easy
    But no one said it’d be this hard” – Sheryl Crow

  10. Thank you both for humouring me. I was missing the piece of info that was you were envisisaging being apart. I am sorry if i appeared rude but i was just trying to understand a concept that is hard for me. I hope i have not offended you in any way.

  11. Not at all katie….Richard and I enjoyed it….your comments allowed us to even further our discussion on a topic we are trying very hard to not become focused on. We do not think you are rude at all. I am pleased when my ramblings spark something in a reader. I am considering using some of this exchange in a future post.

  12. Dating. Good luck with that one people.

    It isn’t so much pixiepie dating that worries me. It is mostly all of the references to when you are going to be required to leave her on her own. I am assuming the reasons are of a personal nature and that is fine. One just has to wonder if you (meaning Richard- and sorry pixie that I comment on your blog and direct it to Richard) are thinking that perhaps allowing our pixie to date will somehow prepare YOU when it is time to let her go.

    I also simply must take this opportunity to inquire about the process of becoming her future protector. Is there a screening I must go through, background checks? Submit DNA? Is it a long interview process, if so may I apply online? Are you an equal opportunity dominant? Is there a trial period, a sample?

    Take my advice Richard and learn from the very mistakes spelled out in this blog. Don’t let her date, are you crazy man? I wouldn’t let her out of her cage (assuming she has one).

    Unless of course you want to give her to me.

  13. Dr. Dom, your comments always make me think. I had never thought that my permitting, even encouraging, pixie to date had anything to do with me getting ready to let her go.
    Its an interesting thought, but I really don’t think that is the answer. I think the reason for me permitting her to date is that it would be incredibly selfish of me to deny her the
    possibility of finding the perfect mate who could provide for her over the long term what I am presently providing. I worry about preventing her from finding Mr. Right, or for even taking up so much of her time that could be used exploring the universe of possible Mr. Rights.
    Sure, the response is that if I was really worried about that, I’d get out of her life right now, or at least start that search for a “permanent” replacement. But maybe dating is the
    compromise between “no way, you are mine” and starting a serious search for a replacement. As I have said, there is something to be said for a period of stability. Or maybe that is all BS and I can’t be as ‘self-less’ as I’d like.
    So far the dating process has made me think about things like that, and it has made me aware of how important pixie has become to me, and it has made me realize that I have to
    fight down my possessive streak to even let it happen, and it has made me painfully aware that letting her go will be horribly difficult. We have even discussed the possibility that there is no way I will ever be willing to let her go one minute sooner than I must, and that my real work is to prepare her to safely search for my replacement after I’m gone. Think about that – how different that is from what I have described as my “current thinking” in just the last week. Our thinking is constantly evolving. We know this is a problem. We think about it a lot. It makes us sad. We try to ignore it but it
    won’t go away. But it doesn’t feel like it is helping me get ready except to the extent that it reminds me of how hard it will be.

  14. I read this and thought of several comments I could make. They all seemed in poor taste considering the obvious emotions involved here. It is hard to be sarcastic when you are suddenly made aware that there are difficult times ahead for someone you have grown to care about. If my comments to you do in fact make you think then I will leave you with one more. Pixiepies readers value her openess and apparent vulnerability as much as you must. Do you worry long term how this will change that? Her trust and her ability to submit to another? I guess what my point is is to make sure you leave her better than how you found her -not worse. Do no damage is always a good creed- especially with submissives. I would caution you against leaving her to find your ‘replacement’ on her own. I have seen too many horror stories unfold and there are many people less honorable than you (and me) that would seek to prey upon childlike individuals like our pixie. Please pixie don’t take that as insulting for I do not mean it in a negative sense. For the tens of blogs that I read yours is the only one I read daily and it is due in part to that aspect of your personality. You too Richard, please do not take offense at my suggestions I only offer advice from the outside and admittedly do not know all the details or dynamics involved here.

  15. You really ARE a doctor! We knew it.

    Thank you for your serious comment. I don’t know how the present situation will change pixie long term. I know that pixie views her two D/s relationships as very positive. I believe that, because of that, her openness and willingness to make herself vulnerable to a Dominant will remain as they are. And I share your concern that she might be as vulnerable to a bad Dom as a good one. I will teach her everything I can about how to be safe in starting a new relationship. She has a good head, and seems to be good at evaluating people, and that makes me feel good. I hope to be able to get her some help from one of her close friends – there is one I have in mind. I would hope that all of you, and especially you Dr. Dom, will continue to offer her both support and advice. And I will do my best to start the process at the right time to make it happen in time. Please understand that it isn’t just me that wants to keep her – when this subject comes up, she is very negative. She likes the way things are and doesn’t want it to change. (sorry, pixie, for talking about you like you’re not here). Let’s just leave it at this: we are talking about this ALL the time. We like where we are. We know where we will end up. We don’t know exactly when. We cannot ever let this far from our minds, and we’ll be responsible about it. We both agree now is too soon to start looking. I know what my job is and will do my best to do it. More than that, no one can ask. And thank you for your advice. I could not take offense at anything you’ve ever said. We should talk someday – IM at least – maybe pixie can make that happen.

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