bdsm · Life in general · life lessons · M. · Richard · S/M

Nightime thoughts

I will not profess to understand the complexities of the sadistic mind. The sadistic mind is more interesting to me than the mind of a masochist. For surely it is many layered and more multifarious than my own. I am intrigued by most things different than myself. I am a submissive, I have a pretty good indication of how my mind operates. I have turned it in to something easy to sit and hold, something that no longer weighs heavy on me. It now lifts me up to be a better person, to know myself more deeply.

I know what I am thinking as a masochist. I am enthralled at the thought of figuring out what is in the mind of a Dominant. Richard and I have tossed back and forth a few emails about just this topic over the past few days. I compare the personalities of the Dominant men I have come in contact with in my life trying to get a handle on what I prefer, what I need. In other words if I could describe the perfect Dominant man what qualitites would he have?

To date I have had two dominant men in my life. Mark and Richard are strikingly similar in several ways yet their differences stack up. The longer I know Richard and the more time I am allowed to de-romanticize what I had with Mark in my mind the clearer their differences become. I am in no way saying that one type of Dominance is better than a another, nor am I suggesting that Richard’s style is anymore or any less effective than Marks. Each have distinct qualities that I love and to go further into this I have had different responses to each of them even if the experience was similar. Different expectations…different chemistries…different needs I suppose. Even different degrees of submission and respect.

A recurring question that continues to surface with Richard and I is me wondering if it would be easier for him to Dominate me if he didn’t care for me so much. The first night I met him…and looking back I laugh because I drove home shaking my head at his arrogance…he warned me not to fall in love with him. He said that it is common for women to fall in love with their Dom. We joke now to each other about his warning that some where along the way I chose to ignore. So it makes me wonder if he were different…if he were not Dominant and not everything that Richard has shown me he is inside would I still care for him the way I do? If I were just submissive..and not sweet and charming and entertaining (oh and modest) would he still feel for me the way he does? I wonder if the style of Dominance feeds into the exchange of emotions….or is it just you allow yourself to be vulnerable to the other and that in fact leaves you vulnerable to care. But I get off track….

Anyway…I am learning about different styles of Dominating. Richard has encouraged me to chat with other Doms. One in particular has been holding my attention and Richard and I have been discussing him quite frequently. He is very different from Mark and Richard..truth be told he is unlike most of the people I have come into contact with. I am intrigued by him. He is demanding of me during our chats..admonishes me if I come across as disrespectful..or as he called it ‘flippant’. Now anyone who knows me knows that is the way to my heart…strict direct orders leaving no doubt in my mind who has the power.

Richard said this when we discussed it….
“”….(I) know that it might be easier for you as a submissive to have an understanding with your Dom that you will always be respectful, subdued, eyes on the floor, never ask a question, etc. And I know that the ambiguity on this subject that you get from me makes your life a bit harder. But you are handling it just fine, and this brings me to my third point.

Third, there are Doms in the world that demand what I have described above. They believe that that is the appropriate behaviour for a submissive – ALWAYS submissive, always ‘on’ if you will. I tell you this because one day you may submit to someone like that, and you should know it exists and recognize it. I could ‘train’ you to be that way, and maybe in my role I should do more of that to prepare you for whatever comes next. I have not done that – it isn’t my normal style.

It seems to me that Dominance like that might really change you – make you into something other than the fun-loving, cheerful, exuberant, vivacious creature that you are. It might make you into something that I would enjoy using, but in between would not enjoy being with. Does this make sense to you? I know there is appeal in that to you – (and to me as well) – to have you be a totally owned and used toy, an object, and when I am done, I put you on the shelf and go back to my normal life. Maybe we would be in a better place if that was how I had proceeded. But I didn’t.
I like being around you, as you, a person not an object. Owned, but a person nonetheless.

So, I set out to teach you to be a better submissive, and to give you new experiences, not to change who you are. The next Dom might be more like that. You should give some thought to how that might feel, how you would like that. I am not being judgmental about it – you might thrive
under it.”“

So my point is I am learning through my explorations that there are many different types of Doms out there. I like that Richard feels it is his responsibility to prepare me for my next experience…it makes me happy he cares enough for me to want me settled in a good place before he leaves my world but it saddens me more than I can express that that day may come.

I am also sad that there aren’t more Dominant men out here that are willing to comment and give their opinion on all of this. Is it easier to be detached from your submissive…are Doms and subs destined to fall in love, is it the nature of the power exchange or more the pull of two individual souls that mesh so well?
Am I wrong to love the fact that Richard is the cruelest man I have ever known yet he is also the most tender and receptive. That he can kiss me until I feel connected to his very core and a moment later be gripping my throat causing me to beg for my very air.

*sigh* So much to think on…yet it is late and I must get some sleep.

Oh…this seems to be the night for rambling questions.
I am off to bed…goodnight friends. 😉

10 thoughts on “Nightime thoughts

  1. I think it is a common thing for Doms and subs to fall in love. But then again I am very new to this world. I feel the domination brings two people so much closer. It does in my case.

  2. what a thoughtful post pixie. i think that the submissive is vulnerable to all sorts of things at the hands of a Dom, not just falling in love. It can go the other way too. Submissives are vulnerable to being emotionally damaged by an insensitive Dom, one who will work very hard to just what Richard describes above. It is the intensity in which you are capable of offering yourself and your heart that worries me pixie. I am not pretending to know you, I just know what I read and I have read you from the start..so hey! Maybe I do know you! I just hope for your sake whoever comes after Richard as he said does not try to tame you too much. You wouldn’t be nearly as interesting to read.

  3. I am absolutely obsessed with trying to get inside a Dom’s head. I want to know what it feels like to inflict pain, especially on someone for whom he cares so deeply. I want to know what it does for him to have someone 250 miles away obey him without question, and with gratitude for having received the order.

    Especially since both the Academician and I were new to BDSM-in-the-flesh before we met in person, it was a real issue whether we would respond as well to what we were doing in real life as we did in our shared fantasies. We did, and when I asked how it felt, he would say it felt so good… but how does it FEEL to have the cane in your hand? How does it actually feel at the moment of impact? What goes on in your head knowing that this girl before you will submit to something that scares her because she wants to please you that badly…?

  4. As a sub I was told “not” to fall for any Dom’s I was with because we are a dime a dozen. This came from a rather crude friend of mine. So I put such a guard up that I think I pushed some away. When “R” came along he made it clear that he did “not” want a “playmate”. He wanted a partner, a lover and a submissive. He and I spend much time talking about how he thinks and how I think. He (like your Richard) embraces the idea of my continueing to talk to other Dominants so I can learn, grow and get ideas as well. The complexities of the D/s are in essence what brings them together!!! Nice Post!!!!

  5. Don’t you just love it at the end of the day, or in the middle of the night, when your mind just takes off on its own? I’m often puzzled by the D/s relationship and falling in love, and wonder if the two are separateable (and is that a real word?). It would seem to me that the degree of trust and respect and acceptance borders on love of a certain type.

  6. I have been with two types of Dominants. I wish I had been prepared for the second just as Richard is considering preparing you. In my last experience that lasted a little over two years I was with such a Dom. He told me what to think, what to say, what to wear..the appeal for me was great. I was always ‘on’ as your Richard put it, always available. It made for the most intense sex ever but I found at the end of the day really at the end of the relationship I wasn’t who I started as. Some was good yet I had lost chunks of myself that I miss. My favorite part of you and Richard and even with you and Mark was (is) the fun back and forth exchange. It tells me they value you for more than your submission, and Richard even says so. He wasnts to be with you outside a session.
    Another amazing post pixie pie. If I asked for pictures would anyone agree with me that we need more..?

  7. I believe that, while it is not inevitable for subs to fall in love with their Doms, it is very common. When you make yourself so so vulnerable to another person, you give up everything to that person, and you place so much trust in that person, it seems a natural result. If you add in a little chemistry, and keeping in mind the sexual nature of the D/s relationship (and how emotional that is and how that intimacy feeds the emotional side), I would venture that it happens more often than not.

    And speaking from the Dom side, I would guess it is very common as well. There is something about having a woman give herself totally to you, put herself totally in your control, give you total control over her body, that is so intimate, so compelling. It leaves me feeling intensely close to that person. Again, add in a little chemistry, …. and before you know it, we are “way too close” as pixie and I say.

    Now, pixie’s direct question was “are Doms and subs destined to fall in love, is it the nature of the power exchange or more the pull of two individual souls that mesh so well?” And you can see that my comments, I have hedged the answer by saying “add a little chemistry.” So, my view is that it takes something more than just the D/s, but it certainly sets the stage nicely.

    Her second question, is it easier to Dom a stranger than someone you love, I leave to another day.

  8. i think there are so many kinds of love but do not believe you can fully serve someone who you dont really respect and love. You can do the mechanics but not he whole deal and for my own point of view, what would be the point.

    I have been with Doms for a session and it is never anywherenear as wonderful as doing things with Sir. I need to be bothered what he thinks and if i dont love him, why would i be bothered.

    From a Dom point of view, i believe they need to have the subs best interests at heart. They may not profess “love” but they need to care even if they disguise it very well. I think i believe that a Dom who doesnt care is actually abusing the sub.

    I (and pixiepie along with many others) suffer extreme pain (or should that be enjoy real pain) but we know we are cared for and that is the difference.

    So whether we call it love or respect or caring, i believe that we need that or it is just a game with no one really bothering about the outcome.

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