letters · M. · Richard · sometimes sad

To Richard at midnight

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
~W.S. Merwin

Richard~ I did a task for you today and wanted to tell you about it. You are still gone though and I couldnt. It is hard when you are gone when I dont have your voice in my ear or your hands on my body. The task reminded me of your fingers parting my skin, your eyes tasting my pleasure.I keep my cell phone in my pocket and wait to hear the quiet vibration of an electronic caress through the thinness of my pantsI bless the technology that allows you to touch me. It reminds me that you still exist, that you are coming back and that everything is still OK.

Sometimes when you are gone I fall off track, I grow sad because no one is there to see it. Pieces of me blow away and I run to gather them close to me as if I have spilled my bag on the street. I try to steady myself to straighten what has toppled but only succeed half of the time. You cant help me make it right and that makes it worse for me somehow, to figure it all out on my own. I dont like that.

I dont like missing you. I dont like realizing I need you because need always ends in pain. There has been enough pain and maybe that is why I need you so. You stopped me from hurting when I couldnt do it alone. Remember when I decided it was over with Mark, those nights of indecision where you made me hold strong. I couldnt have moved past him if not for you. Is that when I started needing you?

Voices are different when you are gone, spread out more yet oddly they cover me less. Your voice of logic, of wisdom, of ownership is not heard by me and I fall prey to those less deserving of what I offer. I miss your grounding voice of approval in my accomplishments as much as I miss the flash of irritation when I disappoint you.

It is harder at night, isnt everything. Even harder when you arent there to warn me against the nightreminding me that it still gets hard and that is alright. It is still alright. We both know what causes me to mourn. What holds me in a hard grasp, what I am so close to moving past yet havent made it yet. I dread the hours before falling asleep for it is when my mind lingers to everything bad and everything behind me and everything ahead of me that has changed and will change.

You tell me everything changes, we all love, we all lose and even knowing that we still..all love and all lose. It is what makes us human, fallible, lacking some how but isnt it also what makes us real and whole. You are teaching me that. If we were never whole we could never break.

You break me.

You break me all the while holding me… even knowing I have not been whole in such a long time. And when I cant sleep I get up to write, knowing that is what you would urge me to do. Only it reminds me that you live in my writing these days and it makes me taste you. Have you ever tasted a memory? I have. It is stinging or soft, sometimes it leads me back to bed and covers me. It sits with me while I go to sleep. Yes, I have tasted a memory. I miss the taste that reminds me I only write the story of our mingled lives now. I forget all I wrote before.I miss the hands that teach me that even through all the numbness I can feel. I can break. And then you look at me and I know it is alright because you see what I see too, you feel me. I think maybe we should make a rule, I am good with rules. Dont allow me to hurt while you are gone, remind me that you are coming back, leave me with the feel of your touch and the marks of your hand on my flesh.

Just a few more days now.

~still smiling


13 thoughts on “To Richard at midnight

  1. I am with you right now, reading this post. Keep smiling, pixie dear. I am almost home, and in the meantime, we are both here now. Be strong for me. When I am away, that is what my Dominance requires of you. That is your focusing task. It is what I need and require of you.
    That, and a smile – my pixie pie.

  2. This was absolutely lovely. So well written. It reminds me of what Amorphous did for me when i broke the bonds with my own M. He was there to be my strength and guide me forward. And yes, we all lose and move forward from it. I am reminded of Kelly Clarkson’s song Sober… in it she says, “Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers.” Pick all your weeds from your last relationship, but keep all those flowers. You will always be a better person for it. And you have so much to look forward to.

  3. oh pixie, i must admit to crying through nearly this whole ode to absence. it welled up as soon as i read “It is hard when you are gone…” and burst out at the amazing image of being caressed via a cell phone’s vibrations. distance hurts… for just a day. or a week. or 2 months. but thank you. thank you for the tears. and for reminding me to taste the memories.

  4. oatmeal girl…welcome to my blog. i am so thrilled you popped up and decided to start commenting. I have loved our email exchanges and this is just as nice. I am sorry for making you cry, it was not my goal tonight to lace sadness in my words. Thank you for commenting..

  5. thank you for the welcome. and don’t apologize for making me cry. it was good to come face-to-face with my longing. and i love the way your writing has grown and blossomed and deepened since Richard came into your life. this was a beautiful piece.

  6. Beautiful~~~And I add my thanks as well for the cleansing power of tears, as well as the reminder to “taste the memories” sometimes it’s in the memories that we find our greatest strength~~It’s wonderful to see this exchange and to see this ‘other’ side of Richard~~Thank you both for sharing so much!

  7. That was sheer poetry at it’s best, and exactly how I feel when “R” is gone, as he is now. Sigh. Your writing is second to none.

  8. beautiful pixiepie…it is hard being away from the ones that we love. even when we know they are coming back. you express your pain and your growth so clearly. great work!

  9. sometimes a silence greets a fantastic performance and silence was at the end of my reading that post. I was so moved and i so wish i could write like that, or even feel like that.

  10. oh beautiful pixie…this post was wonderful…emotional and heartfelt…thank you for sharing it….you hit upon some emotions that i am all too familiar with. xoxo

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