What is it about the submissive mind that allows us to melt so deeply into domination? Why do we need it so…is it what aids us in our vulnerability? Mentally are we more vulnerable to domination…wouldn’t it seem as if it would be the opposite? Physically the question is much easier to answer, for me anyway. He is bigger, stronger …he could overpower you if he wanted to. He could really hurt you, most likely he has hurt you many times. He’ll do so again, and that would be alright…you have allowed him that right. You like it. You may even love it… you may crave the pain like I do. After all you want to be used, you want to be hurt….and you want him to take it all. You will hurt yourself, humiliate yourself for his pleasure, your need to please him is that strong. In pleasing him you satisfy some hunger within yourself. You revel in the safe owner feeling that his dominance provides.
You like that feeling.
Mental domination or as I have heard it described…’the mind fuck’ is harder to understand. It doesn’t quite give the same feeling as being hurt..as being physically dominated or used. It doesn’t fulfill that masochistic craving that may be deep inside of you unless of course he is telling you to hurt yourself. Yet…I am learning it is just as powerful.
Now know that I am not talking about the needy sub who would allow any man to Dom her because she seeks attention and I am not talking about the wanna be Dom who thinks just because you identify as a submissive he has the right to Dom you. That is another post on another day.
I speak of the real relationships where they are far apart permanently or temporairily. I marvel at the relationships where upon reading deeper into their blogs I realize they have never actually met. He has never touched her with his hands and she has never felt the bite of his cane or the sting of his whip, she has never felt his hands tighten around her throat. Yet the binds that hold these relationships together are strong and oftentimes the submissive is deeply loyal to this man who has only touched her electronically.
I got a taste of this in my relationship with Mark. There were as many benefits to having him states away as there were frustrations. Our ties were as much emotional as phyiscal though because we allowed ourselves the luxury of seeing each other as often as we could. So when he dominated me from across the miles it was always about my pleasure and less about mind control. Example….masturbate and write about it…what you were thinking…feeling…etc. Another example…a daily email describing what I was wearing. It was more of ways to help us feel connected and again, less about Dominance and control.
And now I am tasting the bittersweet taste of it again….
As you know Richard has been traveling the past couple weeks and he returns to me Wednesday. What was intersting about this trip is the heightened level of ‘across the ocean’ domination he provided me and the profound effect it has had on my state of mind. The secret that Richard holds is an uncanny ability to know where my mind is…he understands my submission and values its growth. His tasks were reflective of that. We are at the point where he has the right to do whatever he pleases with me and he has the confidence in my submission to know he’ll have my obedience. So in my case I do not question his ability to Dom me from afar.
His tasks proved to me how much control I have allowed him to have. They are reflective of where we are in our relationship. One of the tasks he gave me involved a vegetable and some lubricant. I won’t go into any great detail with that one because we are all kinky enough to figure it out!
I only mention it because when he planned that in his head I can imagine what was on his mind. He knew it is hard (for me) to hold onto that submissive feeling without day to day contact. He knows that a newer element of our relationship is his desire to humiliate me and make me do what I could never imagie doing a year ago. He may have also been thinking that nothing puts me into a submissive head space than a shamefully humiliating experience. Most of all he knew that regardless of what he asked of me…and even though he would never actually know if I did it or not…there was never a doubt in his mind that I would obey him.
A few weeks ago Richard started saying things to me that on one hand thrilled me and on the other gave me that heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was though he had searched my mind somehow for what would humiliate me the most…would I would cringe from more than anything else and use it to keep me in my place. He told me that one day…one day soon he would urinate on me. What is lower…yet what speaks of deeper submission than allowing this to happen. he began to prepare me for it…conversations…having me read blog entries that describe it…assignments. I wrote about one such assignment here… https://pixiepie.wordpress.com/2007/08/19/the-assignment/
So he is preparing me for the unthinkable. He continues to do so from far away. Like I said his tasks for me have been reflective of our growth…relfective of my level of submission to him. Scarily so. I am out of my territory and feel myself taking small steps backwards. I know he will not allow that. He has pushed me too far away from where I was and he will hold me here. I want that.
My latest assignment…I have read it 50 times. I have imagined doing it. I have even imagined not doing it…I have imagined telling him NO, that it is too much. I have imagined begging him for something else to do…anything else to do. I can not even give one good reason why I shouldn’t be able to do this…does it prove to me where my head is. That I truly belong to him…that all my internal struggles to not fully give myself away to him were for naught. Have I allowed myself to fall so deeply into this fuggy submissive safe place that I will do anything to grow in my submission? My latest assignment…
“My sweet cunt…No urination starting about 1 hour before you leave work for home. Go straight home after work. Put on a pair of white cotten panties and a skirt.
Hold it in as long as you can possibly hold it. I want
you dancing around trying to keep it in. Go out into your front yard.
Pee your pants. Let it run down your legs. Afterwards, spend a few more minutes wearing your wet panties before going inside to clean up and change.
Remember that it is less what I am asking (re: how can it be erotic) than that you will do it. It is control. Making you do something that you find humiliating is erotic because I can make you do it.
I would love to be there to watch you do it. Maybe someday you can do it in front of me.“
I continue to marvel at this thing called D/s…how it works and how everyday it become less of a choice to me and more of who I am.