I have been told that the only thing constant is change. That certainly applies to my life-especially lately. It has been a tumultuous year in all areas of my life. In looking back over the past year I am amazed at how often change knocked on my door. I am proud of how many times I let it in. I have loved and lost this year…..both the love and the loss have been more intense than what I have ever known. I have grown and moved in so many directions I barely recognize the place where I started. I wouldn’t want to go back. I broke away from some truly horrible relationships that held me back, I left some positive ones that were just wrong for me to find joy in. I learned love isn’t always moral or right yet that I am selfish enough for it not to matter. I have no regrets there. I renewed some relationships that taught me more about myself than I ever thought possible. It renewed my own knowledge of my capacity to love and to be loved. Again, no regrets.
Some may call it a fault but I tend to jump into life….I ignore the advice to look before I leap. I learned a long time ago it is sometimes best to just ask forgiveness than permission. Pardon all the cliché’s. They just seem fitting today. I tend to look at all of life’s opportunities as a way to explore myself…what makes me tick so to speak. That is why relationships are so important to me. I have learned over the psat several months how to trust again…both myslef and those who would love me. I feel more open to life. That is how I look at this new dating experience.
Now several weeks ago I wrote a post about dating and how it almost seems to conflict with having a dominant. How can you be in a D/s relationship….especially with a man like Richard and share your time and possibly your body with another man? All along Richard has encouraged me to date yet I must admit there are some challenges coming up. A wise commenter gave Richard some advice regarding me…he wanted reassurance from Richard that he ‘would do no harm’ when it comes to my emotional well being. Now if you have read a word of Richard’s on this blog you will know that his need to my hurt me only barely surpasses his committment to my safety and emotional health. I know that one day Richard will feel the need to let me go….he may feel as if by letting me go I will be able to move forward in my life in away that he can’t offer me. And that what makes what he and I have so unique…isn’t that the ultimate tragedy, the ultimate sacrifice. Letting go of someone you cherish because it is best for them even though it hurts? Even though I will fight him? I wonder if it will come to that? He said he would rather let me go for that reason than any other…to know I am in a good place, a safe place will sooth the loss. This conversation reminded me of a similair one M and I had…when we knew I was moving on, when we knew I required more by way of Dominance than what he could offer. It soothed him to know I was in a good place.
My first post concerning Doms and dating had me with Jay…who was really a lovely man. He just didn’t meet enough of my criteria. He was frustratingly simple and once called me and told me he would be over just as soon as made sure that Bonds was not going to break the home run record. That was our last inning.
Now over the past few weeks I have been dating a guy…a little bit older than myself. Let’s call him Liam. He really meets all of my criteria except I do not know how Dominant he is. I haven’t shared with him that part of my nature. He only knows me as how the rest of the world sees me. We have not had any sexual experiences yet (besides kissing and just a little inappropriate petting) so that part of my nature is yet to be discovered by him. I wonder what he would think…what would he would say if he knew? If I showed him my blog? What would he say first? Would he insist I receive therapy…lol. Imagine that!
It is funny…he is one of the people in my life who knew me back when…we practically grew up together. Swears he even saw me naked once when I was about twelve. I remember how I looked naked at 12 and I appreciate he recognizes that I have grown up. 😉 He shows me signs that he is Dominant…he is so confident it is close to arrogance. I respond well to that. His confidence draws attention from others the moment he walks into a room. I have only ever witnessed that two other times and both men were Dominant. I CAN’T imagine spending my life with someone who wasn’t. To deny that part of myself…to hide that part of myself seems so wrong. The man I eventually love and give myself to for all time will celebrate my submission just as I will celebrate his Dominance. Anything less is taking away from the person that he should love unconditionally…and I feel my future spouse should accept all of me not just what fits his image of what a wife should be like. I guess I can’t imagine living a lie with someone….living with a person who can not accept how I want my body touched and used…someone who would make me feel less somehow for my submission. One of the lessons M taught me is how strong submissive women are. I guess I never saw it as a form of strength before him. I know that it takes considerable strength to offer yourself to a self admitted sadist. To acknowledge that not at all secret thrill you get when he uses you for his pleasure. When you know you are offering him something no one else has….when you can give him that submission that feeds his Dominance….it is an incredibly bonding experience. (Another reason why I can’t imagine spending my life with some one that can not accept all of me). That is why my dating experience has to be so careful….I won’t be stuck with some one not able to meet my needs. I have seen what that does to relationships….what that takes away from the person judged for their needs. I feel sorry for those people in my life that I know are lacking fulfillment in their primary relationships because their spouse can’t or won’t meet their needs. To me it is frustrating….it is saying to that person, I love you, I want you but lets hide that darker side of yourself. Let’s put that away… that part of you that I refuse to acknowledge, to love, to accept.
How sad. I refuse to do it.
Richard has been teasing me about Liam…he recognizes this is an amazing man that wants to be a part of my life. He is successful, ambitious, wealthy and amazingly handsome. He also has a generous and open spirit. He loves and wants children and he can’t get enough of me. I can’t say that I am in love with him. I think I am far from that. Yet he has captured my attention, he fills my mind at times with dreams of what it would be like to have a man like him in my life. I think that we are a good pair. Yet how does one bring up the fact that my needs are a bit more intense than most of the women he has dated. Something else that is funny is at dinner one night he made this spanking comment to me…something silly like oh…someone needs a spanking. Was it charm or a hint of some darker desire seething beneath the surface? I guess time will tell.
I think that dating is hard for anyone. Harder for me I think though…I acknowledge that I am high maintenance, emotionally needy and sometimes overly sensitive. Of course I am also charming, intelligent, sweet and beautiful….so that may help a man overlook some of my flaws. If you add in my modest nature…all around I am quite a catch. 😉 No, seriously though. I am taking this dating process very seriously. I won’t make the same mistakes that I have seen others make. I won’t settle. I won’t live a lie or a life with some one who can’t or won’t meet my needs. Life is hard enough. If I can give myself one thing it will be a man who loves and accepts all of me. I want a man who can provide structure and needed discipline; I need a man that will also be my safe place. That will love me in spite of my flaws. I am not sure if I found him. I think I am closer than I was. I think that the hardest part is going to be balancing my life with Richard and my need to be social and date. I love the fact Richard supports the fact I am ready to date. I think he would interview every man I want to date if he thought he could. I am taking it slow…it is frustratingly slow at times. It is exciting and fun and new and I am loving this journey.