life lessons · Richard · sometimes sad

Richard’s response to Dr. Dom

Dr. Dom’s comment to pixie’s post about clothespins really touched a chord within both of us.  My first thought was: gee, pixie’s going to read this and be sad.  Her first thought was: gee, Richard’s going to read this and begin to put distance between us.  As always, Dr.Dom, you make us think.  When I began to think about how to respond, I realized that it was too long for a comment.  Hence this post.  And rather than try to organize this into a coherent argument, I am just going to respond to pieces of your comment in the order made.

1.  “If all parties know this is ending eventually shouldn’t some measures be taken along the way to lessen the pain ….?”  

As I have said in the past, every relationship will end.  We just don’t know when.  And pixie and I are no different.  We know it will end.  We don’t know exactly when.  The only difference is that we know it will be sooner, rather than later, and that when we started down this road we could see it would be that way.  The unusual thing about this relationship is that it began with the end
in sight.  You don’t usually begin a relationship, even a casual friendship let alone an intense D/s relationship, where you can see the end.  It isn’t what is on your mind at that moment.  With us it was.  We never intended, or even foresaw, that we would end up so close so fast, or
so intense.  The world tilted on May 23, and events moved beyond anyone’s control, so fast.  And sure, hindight is wonderful, but not really useful.

 So here we are.

So, to your comment, EVERY relationship will end eventually.  What steps do YOU take to lessen the pain that those close to you will feel when you are gone?  Do you build a wall to help them deal with it?  Do you create
space between you that reduces the pleasure you now have, and really does little to lessen the pain in any case?  No.  You do everything you can to show them you love them and care for them and you give them as much of
yourself as you can.

2.  “I worry for her readers (myself) that we will lose parts of her once this ends.”  

Of course you will.  Do you really think that I can leave pixie’s life and it will not have an affect on her blog?  You will all share the pain that pixie feels.  All the pain that the two of us are building up and storing over there in the closet.  You will share it just as you shared her pain when other relationships have ended, and as you have shared the joys that she has had as I helped fill the void in her life.  And I (we) hope that another Richard will come into pixie’s life when I am gone.  But we don’t know…..

3.  “Each day when I check this blog I wonder if it will be the start of the Richard and pixie goodbye series and I dread that pain coming for her. I would lessen that pain for pixie if I could and I do not know her so one has to wonder why you (Richard) can’t.”  There is a major difference between us, Dr. Dom.  And know that I say this with nothing but respect for you and the tremendously helpful and thought-provoking comments and advice you have given us.  You and I both dread the pain coming for her. But I also dread the pain coming for me.  I will carry more of that pain for her than anyone reading this blog can possibly understand.  I carry it already – it must be obvious that this topic just comes up all the time and smacks us a good one whenever we start to feel just a little bit too happy.  I carry some of it for both of us, and I am the one who has to deal with the fight that comes up if we begin to look at building that wall you describe.  You wonder why I can’t lessen the pain for her that is coming?  Do you think building a wall will do it?  Isn’t it possible that bulding the wall causes some pain now and does nothing to reduce the pain in the future?  If you can tell me how to reduce the pain of your leaving that someone who loves you will experience when you go, please – send me the instruction manual.  This building a wall idea was a great one on May 23rd.  I didn’t do it.  Her need for nurturing after the intensity of a session sucked me in, and I didn’t follow my own advice, (no, more than advice, it was an instruction) to her: don’t fall in love.  It is a little too late for a wall.  So, each day check this blog, and when the Richard and pixie goodbye series begins, be there for her and help her through it.  That is all I can ask of you – more than that, I expect it of you.

4.  “…she can offer you more is she is secure and content…”  Oh, it is way more than what she can offer me.  If she could offer me nothing more, I would still want her to be secure and content.  It is the underlying fact that is important to me, far more than the positive side-effect that it has on me personally.  I have alluded to the fight between us about how  best to deal with the future.  It comes up when I push her toward a dating situation, for example, or when we discuss how best to search for a new, long-term Dom.  You need to experience her “insecurity” and “discontent” to understand what I mean.  It has been an emotional roller coaster for pixie in the last year.  Some of it shows on this blog.  Much of it does
not and will not.  Not all of pixie’s life is on display here.  But believe me, secure and content is exactly what pixie needs now.  Yes, one can argue that a little insecurity and discontent is not all bad if it helps you prepare for the future.  There is plenty of that lurking around.  It’s effect on her is not good for her. And yes, that is my judgement,
and as the person closest to it, it is my responsibility and my call to make.  So I make it, and I re-evalutate it, and it moves around, and we do the best we can every day.

5. “When you are a June-September (or whenever) archive you will be less motivated to wonder or care how she is mentally and emotionally.”  When the time comes for me to go, I do not intend to drop off the planet.  I
would hope that I will be able to continue to mentor pixie, and to give her support and guidance.  And I will depend on you and her other readers to do the same.  Obviously, it won’t be the same – she really needs that physical touch as well as the mental touch.  Sigh….   But my desire to
provide continued guidance, and friendship, to pixie will not end.  Don’t assume that because I am gone I will have any less interest in her well being than any of you have.

6.  ” …. why you are plowing head first into something that is going to hit a brick wall sooner than later.”  I don’t want to put words in pixie’s mouth, so she can correct anything I say here that does not reflect her thinking.  We tend to talk about pixie like she is a child, someone who needs so much help from a stronger Dom-type.  What she is is a grown woman, young but not a child, who is successfully building a career, who is remarkably confident and determined and decisive in her business, who also happens to be sexually submissive.  Yes, her submission extends beyond the purely sexual – she would do well in a 24/7 relationship.  But she is far from a helpless creature.  And while we can talk all we want about the Dom’s control, over this aspect of our  relationship she has something to say about it!  She has input.  She has some control.  I can no more Dom her into helping me build a wall between us than I can jump
over the moon.  I am going to string together some sentences that have come out of pixie’s mouth in the last few weeks:

If I knew we (pixie and I) only had a month, then I might feel differently about my relationship with Liam.  But why would I give up a minute of THIS, for a relationship with him that I don’t know will last 6 months, even if it might last forever.  I like what I have NOW, and don’t want it to end a minute sooner than it has too.  I have everything I want and need now, and I don’t want to change it at all.  If I continue on this path with Liam, it will have a negative effect on us – and I don’t want that.  I will end it with him before I will give you up before I absolutely have to.

OK, you get the point.  I try to evaluate how important Liam is, how close to being Mr. Right is he?  Should I get out of the way for him?  I am met with, “I’ll stop seeing him before I’ll let you just walk away now.”  So, immediate happiness for future possibilities?  Who can make the call for pixie on this one?  Is he Mr. Right?  If yes, I should get out of the way.  If not, I should not.  Who is to know?  Me?  I should make this call for her?  I should know better than she does how she feels about him?  What is in her best interest?  And does she have a say in that?  Her view is that what she has is perfect and she does not want it to change, and even knowing that it will and must, she would prefer to keep it as long as
possible, even if that means-

(a) missing an opportunity with a potential Mr. Right, or (b) having to find a new Dom completely on her own.  

You want to disagree with that?  OK, here is some insecurity and discontent, and worry and fretting and lack of focus and all the bad things that happens to pixie when her world starts to shift.

7.  “what pixie may find impossible to face (losing Richard) he has the responsibility to face for her. And not later, not a week before it ends but now- yesterday in fact.”  In your view, you would have me leave her
now to help her face the inevitable.  And how is that different, exactly, from the course we are following.  In your way, pixie is sad and feels pain, eventually recovers and moves forward.  In the way the we are living
it, she feels sad and has pain, eventually recovers and moves forward, and in the meantime has ‘x’ more months of pleasure and joy with me.  Which would you choose for her?  And if it was only a month, would that make a
difference?  How about 6 months?  A year?  Three years?  Where would you draw the line where it makes more sense to end it now, when none of us knows exactly what the time will be?

We know some things that none of pixie’s readers knows.  First, our relationship will change in a few months in a way that will help us evaluate how long we can maintain what we now have.  We are not going to make any changes until we have that reality check behind us.  Second, we know what we are doing to determine if Liam has what it takes.  As that develops, we can re-evaluate that process as well.

Dr. Dom, I want to thank you for your insights.  I know I might sound a bit defensive in this, and I apologize.  You are exactly right in theory, but we have to live it.  You are exactly right, if we could go back and start over, but we can’t.  And pixie is right, in my view, when she says:
I don’t want to find out someday that I could have had ‘x’ more months of you and I gave it up for something that I wasn’t absolutely sure was going to be as perfect.

Who am I to argue with that?

6 thoughts on “Richard’s response to Dr. Dom

  1. Beautifully written Richard. I have always been a believer of live your life to the fullest. Just do what makes you happy. You only get one chance. I also went into a relationship in my past where I knew it would have to end.. and dammit.. I went “all in” with it. Yes, it hurt when it ended, but I was so happy while I was there. I wouldn’t have changed a thing. So go on and be happy. You have my support.

  2. Thanks, Mina. I appreciate it.

    And Dr. Dom, I hope you don’t think ill of me for these remarks. Your comment really did make us stop and think. And it is a good exercise for me to have to think through my actions, try to justify them – it serves as a reality check. Your thoughtful comment, and prior posts, are truly appreciated by both of us, and this one seemed to really lay out the issues for me to deal with, so I took the liberty of quoting you liberally. You serve to focus the issues in our minds; and of course, your ongoing concern for pixie really means a lot to both of us.

  3. Of course I do not think ill of you Richard. Though I am shocked our pixie has not had more to say during this exchange. I doubt you need my words to assist in the process of focusing the issues in your mind. I recommended to you once to do no harm and the way I see it you have good intentions. I believe decisons need to be made that are in the submissives best interest. Perhaps in a total power exchange the Dom cannot say that the submissive is in the position to fight what is best for her. Meaning you can’t condition her to give it all up to you and then expect her to do what is best for herself in regards to not having you in her life. You have the ability to see around corners that she can’t possibly see around for herself. That is all I am trying to say. You should not put it off on her to decide what is best for herself in regards to a power exchange relationship. It is contradictory of the very basis of this relationship. I speak out about this only because this situation is not foreign to me. I agree with what gelts says about loving being the better choice. I have little patience for such idealism when there is so much at stake. I was in the position once of needing to let someone go. I put it off until it was too late and something that could have ended as beautifully ended in anger and regret.
    I have said more than enough I am sure. I will continue to follw this story and support pixie. I hope that I am still welcome to do so.

  4. Pixie’s words have come through in this post, so you have heard from her. And you are more than welcome here, Sir, for even when we disagree, your thoughts are stimulating and well-received.
    Yes, I am the older, and presumably might see around a few corners she cannot, although you seriously underestimate her in this regard, to the point of perhaps insulting her. But make no mistake, this has never been a total power exchange. And if it were, have you forgotten that the submissive has to power to choose the man she will submit to? We are not living The Story of ‘O’ here. I am giving her plenty of advice, but I am NOT going to instruct her that this is the man you will love. It may well be that a suitable Dominant will be found. It may be a suitable future husband will appear. Dare we hope they might be one and the same? We will continue to evaluate the Liam possibilities. If that doesn’t pan out, and when we feel the time is right, we can begin to look hard for a new Dom. We are determined to end it with sadness and love, not anger and regret. And we have some control over when. So until the next re-evaluation point, we are determined to enjoy what we have, not end it before we must in the hope that somehow that will reduce the pain in the future. I must go – I need to open a bottle of wine to share with pixie.

  5. Richard and pixie…remember that there are no rules associated with D/s or even love for that matter excpet those that you apply to yourself. I am one to say never let a moment pass you by for the sake of the what ifs or whens. I hear pixie saying that too. You two have a beautiful intense relationship and who can blame either of you for wanting to soak up every drop of each other while you can. You will need all of the memories and experiences to make the pain of going without the other easier to take.

  6. If you know this is ending, then one would hope Richard that you love Pixie enough to stop her getting more attached each day. That you love her more…than getting what you want. That you love her enough to walk away before you cement the bond you have deeper, and thus the cut you will make later.

    This may be one situation, where you need to be a sadist in the short term….to avoid being the worst kind of sadist in the long.

    hugs to you both.

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