He said he knew what I needed as he pushed me face down on the bed. I landed hard and reached out in front of me to catch myself. I like it when we can ignore the politness that is usually associated with getting into bed with another person. D/s is like that. He wanted me there so he put me there. I like that.
I felt him pull my skirt up to my waist and pull my top down off of my shoulders. His movements were rough and emotion filled. I felt a hot pulse of heat and pain and expectation in the room. It was almost as if there was someone else in the room another body that needed to learn perhaps even more than I did to whom I belonged to. He lifted me from behind so my bottom was up in the air. His hand nuzzled between my legs and his finger entered me harshly and he practically lifted my knees off of the bed. He played with me there for several moments until I was panting with need. I wanted him so badly and I remember my only thought being how I wished he would plunge deep inside me. I waited for that, it didn’t happen. I knew his mood had changed…he really did know what I needed. His fingers stopped and he pushed me flat on the bed and walked away. I lifted my head to see where he was going but he was already back. He was holding a stiff leather strap that he hadn’t used on me too often. It is about half the size of a belt but just as scary. He immediately started smacking it across my bottom and he again lifted me up on my knees with my chest pressed down. The smacks were hard, solid and sounded loud in the small apartment. He talked to me about ownership and how I belonged to him. I heard every word above the crack of the strap. He flipped me over on my back and spread my legs roughly. He looked down at me as his hand pulled at my cunt and opened me roughly so he could see what was his. His look scared me and instinctively I tried to close my legs. “Keep them open” he said his voice harsh and his hands now hot on my knees pressing them open against the bed. He doubled the strap over and it landed on my inner thighs over and over. This is almost intolerable to me, I hate pain on the inside of my legs. He knows that. He brought the strap down hard between my legs and it took all of my will to not cover myself. When my hands came close he told me to take my hands away. I did so right away not daring to disobey this dark Richard that stood in front of me. He flipped me over again and pressed my face back into the bed. It was hard to breath. I felt something so real shift inside of me…..there was no doubt in my mind that I had truly given myself to him. All the questions with Liam…all the residual feeling with M seemed suddenly very far as the strap landed randomly on my bottom and the backs of my thighs. Every blow was a reminder that I was owned…that I was loved….that I was his and that he wasn’t ready to give me to Liam. I had feelings inside of me that I dealt with at that very moment…feelings that had walked around with me for days walked away from me now. His words echoed his actions. I shuddered when the strap landed across my bare back and shoulders. I arched my back pressing chest deeper into the bed. I wanted to offer myself to him completely. He needed to know that I was still his as much as I needed to know he still wanted me.
It had been a wonderful day, one of the best with him so far. I had talked him into taking me back to the beach and we had woke up together hours before and made the 2 1/2 hour drive. All day our conversation kept coming back to Liam’s expectations of me as his girlfriend and how we both knew he would expect me to sleep with him sooner or later. And of course I knew that. I am attracted to him, I certainly desire a sexual relationship with him. It will only help us grow as a couple and I know that Liam is my future regardless of what I do now with Richard. I want that. What I don’t want is to mess my head up by trying to share myself physically and emotionally between two Dominant men. Liam has not tried to Dominate me…he really hasn’t tried to sleep with me though we have discussed it. What we have done has shown me that we have a strong chemistry between us and I know that when it happens it will be good. He is a patient man and has told me that when it happens it will be because I am ready and not a moment sooner, I am worth waiting for he said. He knows that I belong to Richard and while he is still trying to totally wrap his mind around the complexities of that dynamic he is open minded and worldly enough to know that I can still grow with him and be his girlfriend while owned by another. Of course, I am still figuring this whole thing out too. He accepts that as Richard’s role but I also anticipate that once we move into having a sexual relationship that could very well change. I do not want to diminish Richard’s control over me and my sexuality. I have given that over to him, I love the way it makes me feel and I love the clarity it brings to my daily thought process. I do not want that to change. So last night after a day of playing in the ocean with him…after a day of sailing with him…a day of his full attention… for some reason I was feeling needy and vulnerable enough to ask him if he would still want me if Liam took me sexually. When we spend days like yesterday together I have trouble seeing him as my Dominant and not just as a man in my life who loves me. The two shouldn’t conflict but maybe because I now have a boyfriend they sometimes do. I was only joking with him as we tread water together way too far out in the Atlantic. He said something about all the men dunking their girlfriends around us and my response wasn’t meant to be anything poignant yet it rang true in my ears for a long time after I spoke it aloud. I said.. “only I’m not your girlfriend, I’m your cunt”. And isn’t that the truth? He didn’t correct me and he shouldn’t have. I do not doubt how he feels about me or the depth of his emotions but I certainly do not have girlfriend status, not like I do with Liam. Goodness…I am having dinner with Liam and his dad this week and that is quite a contrast with what I share with Richard. I am finding that I like that so much. Maybe it is just the normalcy of having someone of my very own -someone who I can be with and not count down the days to when it is over. Yet I’d walk away from him in a second if Richard asked. If for some reason this becomes too hard…if I can’t make this work I will choose Richard.
I am not sure of too much else. I am not sure if I can submit to Richard and still do everything that a girlfriend does for her Dominant boyfriend. I am not sure if I can allow Liam to touch me and hold me when I feel owned by Richard, when I am owned by Richard. How can I allow my body to feel pleasure and reciprocate that pleasure as eagerly as I want to when I allow Richard to pull so much out of me? How much do I have to give before there is nothing left, before one or both relationships suffer? All of these questions are heavy right now on my heart. I do not want to lose Richard…he means so much to me, Liam does too. Richard is too amzing and I close my ears to every conversation where he tries to make me see that he should walk away fromme now. He will not allow me to lose Liam because he knows that Liam can offer me a future that he can’t. Liam talks about marriage and children and everything that Richard has already experienced in his life. And I could belong to Liam and he would be my very own and somehow that makes me smile to think about. Yet again, I would walk away from Liam as much as my heart is leaning into him to keep what I have today with Richard. Why? My voice in my head says that is not the right thing to do…common sense is easily quieted though. It is sad because I know Richard cares too much for me to allow that to happen. He would sacrifice me first and that makes me very sad. It is a hard place for me to be. And I wish I knew how it would all turn out, I wish I thought that I could give myself to Liam and not feel like it was wrong and most of all I wish I didn’t know this was going to end in sadness and tears one day. And I am not sure why my mind is making the choices it is making. I feel scattered and confused and I am so very tired of change right now. I crave adventures in submission but still crave the security of a husband and family. I know that with Liam I can have both- he gets the D/s dynamic, he understands that if I am with him we will be more open to things than most couples. Richard is fine with it too. He has encouraged my exploration with Liam…so why am I the only one struggling?
Only last night I wasn’t struggling. I knew very well where I was and who I was as Richard knelt beside the bed near my head. The strap was forgotton on the floor. He had his hand in my hair and though his dark words were soft and reassuring they landed heavy on me. He said that I was his…and that I need not ever doubt that he wanted me and that he would take me whenever he wanted me. He asked me if I knew that I was his and of course I did. He told me that I never looked more beautiful than I did at that moment. Then he kissed me, he kissed my lips and my hair and all the marks he just brutally covered my body with.
I was still positioned with my bottom in the air and my chest and head pressed into the bed only now my face was turned towards him. He said everything that I had hoped he would. He wasn’t worried about Liam or anyone else….it didn’t matter. What mattered was what just happened…what mattered was that he could take all of that from me and more whenever he desired. I think he meant more to me at that moment that he ever had before and I had never felt so owned.