We are having some difficulty finding the right balance, the place where pixie feels secure in my Dominance, but not so overwhelmed by it that she cannot move forward. We had an incredible experience Sunday night (see https://pixiepie.wordpress.com/2007/09/24/richard/ )an expression of complete and total Dominance and submission, an almost violent reaffirmation of ownership. It was just what pixie needed at that moment. And the other day, her need came back with the statement that she was feeling all “jittery” at work and she asked me to say something to help clear her mind. When I did she said, “more…please say more.” That brought out the Dom in me, and for 5 minutes of online chatting, I brought her back into focus, and began telling her what I planned to do to her that night. But I feel conflicted sometimes – my Dominance can be so all encompassing, that it leaves no room for anything else. Is it leaving room for a new relationship to develop?
Pixie writes….. I told you I needed reassurance all of a sudden. Were you thinking of me? Was everything OK? Were we OK? I was having trouble making decisions, things weren’t clear in my mind. I hate that I feel needy sometimes in relationships that are the most secure in my life. So sometimes I feel conflicted, I want to see Liam and yet I need so badly to see you. I decided to see you and not reassure Liam. I am not good at reassurance.Liam said sometimes I am too vague. I told you its true sometimes I am hard to get an answer from, I said it hurts sometimes to pull something concrete from my head when I am in sub mode. I was jittery, I wasn’t coping. You said….”take a deep breath and think about the fact that I own you and will use you tonight” and I said “please say something more, please make me feel it more” only I didn’t know what I wanted you to say only I needed something to calm me. You said…”listen, my little cunt – did you get my TM reminding you to be wearing a skirt when I arrive tonight?
Me- yes Sir
R- but you didn’t reply – left me wondering if you had gotten it
Me- sorry Sir…I was driving
R- you will be punished for that.
Me- oh? Yes Sir.
R- and you’ve been driving ever since? forgetful aren’t you?
Me- no Sir…well sometimes
R- Don’t forget to reply to your Master.
Me- I won’t Sir.
R- spread your legs
Me- yes Sir.R- wider
R- embarrass yourself by spreading them so wide
Me- yes..I did…I am
R- remember the pee running down your leg into the ocean –
Me- yes Sir
R- you probably have to pee right now, don’t you
Me- yes Sir
R- good. I’ll bet you are wet
Me- yes Sir I am…sorry Sir
R-almost like you have already peed .
R- don’t be sorry – you are wet for me. As it should be
I won’t punish you for being wet
R- I insist on it
And so it went on for a few more minutes until I was securely back in my place. The ambiguity of my situation was lost in the control that you holds over me. I needed to feel the heavy hand of your control and although I knew the evening would bring your hands to my flesh I needed words to serve as the catalyst in getting me back to the point in my day where everything was alright.
I arrived at her house to find her wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt. It just covered her butt. As we talked, and munched on some chocolate chip cookies I had brought with me (we share a passion for chocolate chip cookies!), she variously sat on the floor, stretched out prone, and sat on a stool. Unlike her usual self, she was much less shy about offering me glimpses of her cunt, and at one point as she sat on the stool I made her spread her legs and give me a good look. I told her it was beautiful, but that word does not do it justice. Looking at her naked, especially when she is wearing something short that can be pulled up over her ass, just makes me say “oh.” You know, that kind of “oh” that means you are just speechless and hot and bothered. Sometimes just looking at her can bring on the start of “Dom Space.” She is perfect. It makes me both love her more than ever and want to hurt her all at the same time. My eyes take her in, they take her, they own her, they begin the process of using her, they make it clear to her that I can do whatever I choose to do to her. I love her.
Yes, I was less modest with you and I am not sure why my modesty with you comes and goes. Sometimes a quietness runs over my body so it feels like your eyes are as natural on my skin as your hands. Sometimes your eyes rage a silent war within myself to hide myself from the heat of your glance. Tonight I wanted your eyes on me. I loved the secret thrill of seeing you react to my nakedness. After all…submission doesn’t always leave a girl powerless. It feels odd having you in my house as I am so used to our apartment. You fill up my space. I like how you make me feel safe.
When we moved into her bedroom, I pushed her roughly down on the bed face down. I spread her cheeks and played with her for a minute or two. I moved to the other side of the bed and knelt on it in front of her and roughly used her mouth. At one point I gripped her throat to keep her from gagging and pushed in hard and deep. I love using her this way. It is a mental pleasure far more than a physical one.
I love having your cock in my mouth. Love it even more when you take my mouth hard. I wondered what you were doing to my throat….now I understand. It was easier to take you, I just thought you had decided to make me struggle for air. I try sometimes to look up at you while your cock is deep inside my mouth but find I become unnerved and can’t do it. I enjoy being taken like this. It makes me feel taken, violated and used.
Earlier in the day pixie had described a fantasy where she had clamps on her nipples which were attached to a chain going around her back, which I pulled on as I entered her from behind, so that with each thrust I would pull on the chain. So I attached clamps to her nipples, cruelly attached by pulling a chunk of breast behind the nipple into the clamp, and pulled them around behind her with a small piece of rope.
Ok..Mr Smooth, let’s tell everyone how the second nipple clamp broke as you tried to put it on me. How I couldn’t help laughing at you…I enjoy these moments of intimacy between us. I liked how you laughed outloud even as I moaned at the pain of the first one and the frustration of waiting while you found a replacement. This was really very painful. I breathed very deeply as you came around behind and pulled the rope up close to my skin. I felt my nipples tighten and my cunt dripped with desire for you. I love when you hurt me. The rope felt rough on the smooth skin beneath my arms. I felt harnessed. I like being held in your grasp so mercilessly.
I grabbed the lube, smeared some roughly on her hole, and pushed deep into her ass without any preliminary stretching. I knew I was hurting her, and I knew she wanted it. It was close to an ass rape. I felt overwhelmingly Dominant, in total control of a toy, a pet, a slave, that I owned and could use as I wished in whatever way I wished for my pleasure. And for me, what made it even better, is knowing that it was for her pleasure as well. As pixie has said, I am all about pleasure, not about punishment. With each thrust, I pulled on the rope attached to the clamps. As I urged her toward an orgasm, she said it hurt too much, she couldn’t cum. I told her she had to and I was going to pull off the clamps. She begged me not to, “no, don’t take them off,” she cried. She thinks I have learned to ignore her pleas for mercy, but the truth is I enjoy hearing her beg and then intentionally doing the opposite. What I mean is that ignoring her begging is not enough – it is even better to be aware of her begging, seek it solely for the sake of going beyond it, and then taking more from her in spite of her begging; taking even more because of her begging. As I pulled off a clamp I immediately grabbed her breast and massaged the nipple back to life, causing the pain to intensify. With each one she cried out, and then convulsed into an amazing orgasm.
You really hurt me. I am used to you allowing me time to get used to your cock in my ass. I found that my mental submission when you took me like this was strong enough to cover up the pain, the fact you ‘could’ do it made the pain easier to take. What strikes me as different about you that night was that you reaffirmed what I already knew. You can stop hearing my pain, you can ignore my begging and take me where only you know I need to go. What I also need to point out is that when I beg you to stop…. at that very moment I really want you to stop. It hurts and the pain is hot and tearing and at times I feel myself losing control. Somehow you just know when my begging is just really just a plea for a moment of gentleness. A moment of softness at your hand is all I need to make it alright. You give me this and it is a reminder of why I do it…why my need to please you is so strong.
It may be apparent to pixie’s readers that this encounter was not just a normal D/s scene to this point. It was cruel, and both of us were reveling in that cruelty; both of us knew this was different, both of us knew that we were welded together by the S/m state of our minds. And it wasn’t over by any means. I physically pushed her around on the bed. She was on her hands and knees, with her knees tucked all the way under her, curled up almost. No restraints. I began using the whippy thing on her back. (see “Cry”). It is a hard and cruel pain. It bites, it leaves marks, it ranges from stingy to biting, flesh-cutting intensity. And I laid it on her back for several minutes, varying the strokes from light sting to vicious snaps, some of which caused her to gasp and pull up her body, try to turn away from it. But no restraints. I did the same thing to her ass, then again on her back. I caused the strands to wrap around and snap her breasts. She was begging me to stop. Of course, I ignored that. Yes, I was in a cruel mood. I was asserting my ownership of her. I was using her to the maximum, pouring my pain into her and taking it back as pleasure. That is what sadists do, and thank God for masochists.
At one point pixie went away, into deep subspace. Her breathing slowed and she began to be unresponsive to the snaps on her butt and back. I continued anyway, enjoying the fact that I could do anything to her, anything. After another minute or so, decided to bring her back, so I snapped the whip across her ass really hard, and she gasped and opened her eyes. She looked at me with an almost angry look, a look that said “too much.” I said, “Welcome back. You’ve been gone. I’m going to let you go away again.” I resumed the more moderate switching across her back and ass, keeping the level of intensity at a level that hurt enough to send her away but not so much that it snapped her back out of it. I love that I have learned so much about pixie’s reaction, and how she “goes away” into deep subspace, that I can now manipulate it. I recognize it instantly, and I can leave her there or bring her back, and now I know I can send her back as well. Such an amazing sense of power over her.
I really want to add something here but can’t. You are so right Richard, I went away. I remember the vicious bite of the whip and I wondered how I could possibly take another stroke. You know this is the first time you have whipped me without feeling the need to restrain me. Have I come so far in my submission to you? I wonder if you think subspace is a cowardly place for my mind to wonder off to. I hope you know it is a sign of the trust I have in you, it is the ultimate vulnerable state.
When I had enough of the whippy thing, and I do mean when I had had enough, I told pixie that I was going to fuck her, but first I was going to cover her lips with clothes pins so that it would hurt while I was doing it. It is truly enjoyable to a sadist to cause pain WHILE taking pleasure, in an act that is usually thought of as pleasureable. Pixie begged me not to do it. I roughly positioned her and began pumping her from behind. I told her to rub herself, and she said it hurt too much. I told her to do as she was told and with minutes, she was close, but again said she couldn’t cum, it hurt too much. I pushed her hand out of the way and brought her to an orgasm, and immediately began yanking clothespins off her. What an incredible feeling of control, power, pleasure all washed up in her agony and pleasure, which were one and the same, inseparable.
I am not sure what was the most erotic Richard? You forcing yourself inside of me as my cunt lips were covered with wooden pins or the way you told me to ‘do what I was told’. Your words mean so much to me when we are together. Rarely I am in such a state that I can’t cum, the pulling of the clothes pins and the pounding of your body into my much smaller one was almost unbearable.
Which brings me back to where I started. Clearly, this kind of assertion of ownership, total Domination, while very good for pixie in the short run, is becoming counter-productive in my efforts to push her toward Liam. We need to find a balance. We need to find the RIGHT balance, a place where her head is straight, and she is focused, and yet she has the space to move toward him without feeling lost, or like she is losing me, or like she is betraying me or acting in a manner that is inconsistent with my ownership. Her moving closer to Liam, at my direction, is not inconsistent with that Dominance. She needs to understand that. And I need to find the balance for her that allows her to grow while feeling nurtured and safe.