spanking

pleasing Richard

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Sometimes people will make comments on my blog about my level of submission to Richard. They wonder and sometimes marvel at my ability to take what Richard gives me. Readers see him as a demanding sadist….as an Owner who has high expectations. He is. I wouldn’t change any of that.

I don’t always bring him joy. I am needy, require a lot of attention, sensitive and even forgetful at times. I wonder sometimes how he can put up with having a sub like me? A few days ago after there were a few incidences where I wasn’t as careful as I should of been. I got the following email. It listed my infractions from not returning a call to leaving my web cam at work….

“……I’m sure every one of these has a good explanation.  Cumulatively, they
just wear me out.  I have higher expectations than this, and not having my
expectations met is first surprising, then annoying and ultimately tiring.
 I’m tired.  Going to bed.  Tomorrow will be another day. R”

I got to tell you..it hit me like a truck. I felt a sense of dread..a physical response to his words that instantly ruined my day. I annoyed him…I made him tired..did I make him question my submission, my devotion to him? Was he mad at me, was he not going to want me anymore? I hated..hated..hated that I disappointed him. I see my role as the one person in his life that should only bring him pleasure. That is why he has me…what my purpose is in his life. And yet I bring so many insecurities with me. I was sad and distracted all day…even after we spoke and he reassured me all was well. That he was over it…my explanations were enough. It settled around me and I felt cold.

My need to please him is strong, as strong as anything I have ever felt so it is rare that I write about not meeting his expectations. I have explained once before that when Richard demands something of me it is always with the calm assurance that I will obey him. He has never raised his voice to me, never touched me in anger. I have let him down before, I have fought him, I have struggled against him. I have told him no. I have stopped him mid-scene and watched the play of emotions cross his face. Slight annoyance, a touch of disbelief, and lots of patience. Yet he has never forced me to continue…not with force. He is like the brilliant teacher who can quiet an auditorium of 200 middle schoolers by walking up on the stage and raising his hand to get their attention. That is why Richard is able to pull so much out of me. He handles me with extreme care and patience. No less demanding and ten times as meaningful as physical force.

Last night I was beneath him…on my tummy on the bed. He was inside of me and he could tell his deep thrusts were hurting me. I was torn between the pain of his cock deep inside of me stretching and pulling at me and the sharp sting of the strap as he brought it down across my back. Somehow it all sort of collected above me, through me and all around me. The pain does that sometimes. It then settles into bites and sparks of incredible pleasure that fire in all directions centering though deep in my core. It’s as if I know not where it comes from only that it is for his pleasure that I take it.

He speaks to me when he fucks me….makes me say the most horribly erotic things. He said from above me…Your owner is fucking you in the ass….do you like that? Say you like that. Say- My owner is fucking my ass. I obeyed him. I felt my fingers dig into the sheets beneath me as he quickened his thrusts inside my body and put more force behind the already stinging strap. Say it again he said. I said it again. He tells me what a slut I am when he fucks me….he likes to hear me say that. It pleases him to hear that come out of my mouth. I love pleasing him. I was pleasing him last night because he got down really close to my ear and whispered to me.

“My precious toy…your owner loves you.”

bdsm · clothes pins · control · focus · Richard · S/M

yet another task

i was wet as soon as i remembered it was time to put on my clips. it was
close to the end of the day and i had a few staff working in their
offices or on paperwork outside of my office in the workroom. i felt
quite slutty sitting behind my desk reaching down between my legs to clip
clothespins on my cunt for you Sir. i liked the way it made me feel to
know that even from so far away you can make me do things that i would
never consider doing for another. i thought for a minute that i was too
wet to get them on right, i almost needed to find a cloth to wipe my juice
away so they could clip on tight enough. i wanted to feel them.

an overriding feeling i had was the ache in my nipples, like i needed to feel
your fingers pinch them and pull them like you do, perfectly hard enough
to steal my breath. that ache remained with me because of course i
couldn’t do something like that from behind my desk. one thing you must
realize Master is once i stand up the clips feel very different. it is as
much about he pull when i walk as it is about the slight weight of the
wood. today it was both plus i put them on quite accidentally in a way so
they crossed over each other and as i walked it was as if they were swords
rubbing against each other pulling at my cunt lips with every step.

theyhurt.

i felt a trickle of my juice run down my thigh  before the fabric of
my skirt caught it and soaked it up just as you have so many times. i
walked around my desk and clutched at the side pulling on a brave face to
walk out to mingle with my few remaining staff. i had some questions to
answer, a problem or two to solve and two phone calls to take as i circled
the offices and talked to my staff. before i got back around to my
office the pain was a part of me, i was used to it and i was on top of it.
i felt somewhat floaty and so submissive to you. i felt so owned -like you
were walking with me…i wished that you were waiting for me in my office
to remove the clips yourself. i like that part with you, the moment right
before when we both know the pain is coming when we both know that you are
getting ready to hurt me. i take in that pain and it becomes a part of me
-just like you are.

spanking

Safe words? You decide……(by Richard)

 

When I first got into the world of bdsm, I read a lot about how people stayed safe.  There were tons of bulletin boards, manned primarily by the “safe, sane, consensual” crowd.   I don’t mean that to sound disparaging – we all started there.  But the further along I went, I (and the submissives I was with) began to move toward the edge.   Our activities got edgier and edgier.   Where those preaching “safe, sane, consensual” would constantly point out how there were risks and you should never do certain things, some of us were concluding that in their world, we wouldn’t do anything at all because it was risky, and we were deciding to take the risks knowingly.

 

So we ALL started with safe words.  People devised elaborate levels of  “yellow” and “red.”  All very complicated.   Meanwhile, I was noticing something:  I realized that “no” didn’t always mean “no” and “please stop” didn’t always mean “please stop.”   I cannot tell you how many times I stopped a scene, only to hear later in the wind down period, that the sub was just getting into it and wished I hadn’t stopped.   So I began to pay more attention.   I learned I needed to experiment and know how my sub was feeling, not from what she was saying necessarily.   I learned that growth as a sub, and as a Dom for that matter, meant finding the limit and pushing beyond it, just a little at a time.   In an earlier post, or comment on this blog, I said that one good test of where a sub is at the moment she is begging “please” is to tell her to say “please give me more.”   Usually what happens is that she calms down, gets her submissive head in place, and asks for more, willingly.  If it takes a really long time for that, then she is probably near the limit.   But often, the very act of asking for more brings her back into control of the pain, and it turns out she really does want more.

 

In the early goings with a new sub, I never really tie her up.  I will explain to her that I will take one twist of the rope around her wrist and then let her hold it.   She can easily get herself out.  It is the illusion, the feeling, of restraint, without the fear of being helpless.   Then, when the level of trust is established, we go to real restraints.   While not directly related to safe words, I offer this up only to show I am not crazy, ok not totally crazy, lol.

 

When my sub has had a safe word, I have made it clear that the word is not going to be used to “top from the bottom.”   It is not going to be used to control the pace of the scene.   It is only used to END a scene.  If the safe word pops up, we stop, we untie, we get dressed, we pack up the toys, we sit down and talk.   So there is a huge incentive to keep that word tucked away for only the most dire emergencies.

 

pixie and I have a system of our own.  It is very simple.  When she thinks she can’t take any more, she says “please.”   I have explained to her (and I think I have said this before on this blog) that she will not know what effect her “please” will have.  The example is this:   if I have in mind 20 strokes, and she says “please” on 5, she probably   won’t get 20 but she might get 10.  If she says “please” on 17, she will probably get all 20.  And in both cases, she got more after the “please” and had no idea what, if any, effect her words had on me.   But she should say it when she feels she needs to, and I take it into account along with everything else that my senses have picked up.  How long have we been at it?   How intense has it been?   Are we leaving marks or not?  Is this a new experience or something we have done many times?   Is her breathing normal?  Is her body covered in sweat?  What was her mood when we started?   What other stresses are going on in her life at the time that might affect her emotional level?   Does she seem close to tears?  Has she said “Richard” which indicates a higher level of stress than just “please.”    And on and on and on.  I could fill a page with the things that govern when I decide she has had enough.  And over time, she has come to trust my judgment in these matters.   And some, with just the knowledge that pixie asked for a safe word and had never done that before, would conclude that my judgment was faulty.  I think you should give me more credit than that.   You should understand that in my head are so many factors that I can’t possibly list them all here that led me to conclude, as the person who has the responsibility to conclude, that I was not giving her one, that she didn’t need one, that her fears were both unfounded and good for her – yes, a little fear is good for her.   Her vulnerability was the point of the entire weekend.  I was intent on reducing her level of security and comfort, not adding to it.   She was getting her head around being a slave!   A safe word was totally inimical to that plan.  There would have been “harm” in giving her one.   This was my judgment and I will stand by it, and defend it, under ALL the circumstances known to me.

 

As we talked about this today, she noted that when she says “please” she does not herself always know what she is asking for.   Sometimes it is please stop.   Sometimes it is please fuck me.  Sometimes it is please I need something and I don’t know what it is and thank God I have this Dom who knows me so well he will probably figure it out and give it to me.   She said it seemed an unfair burden to put on the Dom to figure out what the “please” means.  I think it is exactly the burden you pick up when you decide to tie a submissive up and hurt her, knowing that the words that will come out of her mouth cannot be and are not a dependable indicator of what she really needs.   If you are playing at it, that’s one thing.  But at the level that pixie and I are, it is beyond play – it is serious, not risk free, totally dependent on trust by the sub and good judgment on the part of the Dom.   If I relied on pixie to decide when she has had enough, or when she was “ready” for some new experience, she would have missed out on some of the most fabulous experiences in her short time with me.   Excuse me if I rant here, but ITS MY JOB!

 

I would also remind everyone that pixie in fact said, “I need a minute,” without one small thought that I would not give it to her.  Was that the equivalent of a safe word?   Not really, it didn’t  end the scene.  It allowed it to go on to a very meaningful conclusion.   I just think that the Dom has to be fully attuned to the submissive’s needs, and there are so many ways to evaluate that.  

 

In summary, I have had safe words, but usually very quickly the sub wishes to dispense with them as an unnecessary safety net.   It is just more thrilling, and more conducive to growth in intensity, to give that up along with everything else you are giving up to your Dom.   Let it go, just give it all to him without limit.   Develop trust.  Push your limits.  I know that some of what I have said argues FOR safe words.   All I am saying is that reasonable people can disagree on how much value they really have.   If all it provides  is some kind of comfort zone that will never be used, then let’s not bother.   I’m not about comfort zones, no one grows when they are comfortable – I am about finding the limit, pushing through it a bit, growing the sub’s endurance and trust and ultimate devotion to her Master.  And I think safe words can get in the way of that without adding any real value.  Read that again:  safe words can get in the way of the full development of trust and “letting go” that is required of a submissive.  I do not expect to have persuaded everyone, nor should I.   Not everyone is in the same place that pixie and I are.  Sometimes I think pixie’s blog should start with a “Don’t try this at home” warning.

bdsm · belt · bondage · control · D/s · flogging · pixies pictures · restraints · Richard · S/M · spanking · sub space

A spoonful of sugar

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There was a heavy black rope around my left ankle, white leather cuffs around my wrists yet it was his hand pressing down into the middle of my back that made me feel owned. Naked of course he had just ordered me to the center of his giant bed where he asked me to get on my hands and knees. I did so and then rested on my elbows pressing my head into the white sheets so my bottom lifted high like he likes it. I heard him whisper ‘good girl’ and was thrilled that I had pleased him. His hand rested on my back and he firmly pressed me lower telling me that he liked how it opened me up for him. He told me that he knew my cunt was wet.

He pulled on the rope reminding me it was there and what it meant. It felt heavy on my foot. He started spanking me hard on the bottom, the kind of spanking that is not even close to being a warm up. Just hard smacks covering my bottom and the backs of my legs. Soon I was squirming and I heard myself whimper. He told me to be still. I tried to be still. I like directives like this from him. Be still, open your mouth, say it, tell me, hold still. Simple comments without a trace of doubt in them- he knows I am going to obey him. I held still, my mind racing to what was ahead of me.My mind grabbed a hold of the thick rope on my ankle and I realized that it meant so much…ownership, devotion, trust, love, submission. He stopped spanking me long enough to get the strap…I call this his new best friend. It is a short thick piece of leather, almost stiff yet it can still be bent. It stings. He brought the strap down across my bottom, my legs, even my back for what seemed like 10 minutes. It was a hard beating and I was close to slipping away yet I did not. I was lost in the pain and feeling every wonderful stroke. I heard the strap hit the bed beside me and felt the softness of my beautiful flogger stroke down my back. He wasn’t finished with me yet. He caressed my sore skin with the flogger until I felt the need to purr. I have a very cat-like response to being stroked by Richard.

 I love touch. I require a lot of touch…both gentle and hard. Gentle means very little to me though without the brutality. I have a hard time feeling gentle touches. They are cumbersome to me and I sometimes feel irritated by them unless followed or precedented by pain. I have learned to seek Richard’s touch out, even gentle touches. I lean into him, I nuzzle against him and usually do not even realize it. He worries that I will smother at night because my face is buried into him. I find so much comfort in his touch, in his presence. It is all together a series of a million new feelings and experiences for me.

He began to flog me harder. Over and over across my back and my bottom. My face felt heated and I felt the bone jarring blows one after the other. I felt my juice drip down my leg and part of me felt shamed by that evidence of my desire, the rest of me hoped he would see it. It isn’t as if he doesn’t know how I respond to him. I lose all pride at his touch.

The flogging stopped and he draped the doeskin across my shoulders allowing the heavy white strands to wrap around my neck. I tensed for him to tighten the strands…for him to take away my air. He didn’t. He just allowed the flogger to rest on my body. The threat was there, I liked that. I felt him step closer to the bed. I heard him whisper to me….I swirled around in his hard words trying to stay with him. I didn’t want to spend my first weekend as his slave in sub la-la land. I needed to feel this, to hear his words. He said he was going to fuck my ass. He told me to ask him to do it. The words stumbled out of my mouth even as I arched my back preparing my body for him. He slammed into me and I could hardly breath. Using only my own juices he forced his way inside my body. I felt myself press into him meeting him stroke for stroke…. loving the achy full feeling I get when his cock is in my ass…..loving the way his hands roughly pull my cheeks apart so he can fuck me as deeply as possible. I grunted, I whimpered, I felt myself sweat. There was pain but there was so much pleasure in having him inside of me like that. I have really become accustomed to serving him this way. I love that I can offer him this part of myself. I felt his strokes get deeper and faster and finally I felt his entire body tense and he pulled out of me.

I felt the heat of his release on my back. His hand rested on my neck and he pulled me up slightly telling me not to move, he said he would be right back. Thinking he needed to go clean up or get me a towel I didn’t worry.

I should have worried.

I felt cold metal scraping across my skin and a second later he was at my side holding a spoon. I knew what the scraping had been on my back and I knew right away what the spoon held. I opened my mouth and he spoon fed me his quickly cooling cum. First one spoonful and then a second. I held his cum in my mouth waiting for permission to swallow it. That isn’t so much a rule of his as it is an expectation. One that I love to hate. Finally after a few more seconds he gave me permission to swallow his cum.

I realized as he wrapped his hand in my hair and pulled me against him for a deep kiss that this was going to be quite a weekend.

bdsm · bondage · caning · D/s

Time To Stop

This weekend, when pixie and I were recovering from what can only be described as several sessions of pure debauchery, she had me read two posts on Mina blog http://longingsend.wordpress.com/  the first by Mina http://longingsend.wordpress.com/2007/10/14/what-just-happened/ and the other  by Amorphous, http://longingsend.wordpress.com/2007/10/16/when-is-ds-abuse/  I encourage you to go and read these posts.  They inspired an interesting conversation between pixie and me which I would like to recount here.

I should begin by telling you that pixie has been looking forward to our weekend with both excitement and nervousness.  I have been particularly dominant toward her recently, and I have given her some ideas about what I intended to do to her in her weekend as slave (“Upcoming Weekend”, posted October 16th).  She was nervous enough that, when she arrived, she asked if she could have a safe word.  I must admit, this was a big surprise to me (she has NEVER had a safe word), but I said “no,” and that was the end of the subject. 

Later, we were talking about the times when I seem to get outside myself, a different attitude comes over me.  Pixie says that sometimes it is for an entire session, sometimes it just appears for a second, but it is a level of intensity that just appears, and is visible to her.  I recognize that this happens.  I recognize it when I am pushing pixie’s limits, when I reach a spot where I am almost removed from myself, watching myself from right nearby, when I am at the point where I am delivering maximum pain to pixie.  It happened two or three times this weekend.  It has happened before, when I made pixie cry (“Cry” August 29), for example.

What I have also learned is that it is at this moment of delivering the most intense pain, that I go into that Dom Space zone I described here (Dom Space… September 9), and become so close to her, so loving and emotionally connected to her, that I want to meld myself into her.  The two seem to be inseparable.  I once spent a few sessions with a submissive who I was not close to, and I found I could give her pain and be almost indifferent about it, but I did not step outside myself, and I did not have that Dom Space feeling or the intense desire to just melt into the sub that I get with pixie.  When this Dom Space occurs, I can deliver the most savage strapping or caning and then lay my head down behind pixie’s head and just nuzzle her and want to become part of her, and then I can go back to savagely beating her.  And all the time, it is just …. oh….. inside my head, and I want to hurt her, actually see myself from outside, delivering the most intense pain, and at the same time, feeling so incredibly close to her, but not close enough, and trying to become part of her..being part of her like I’ve never been with anyone. We were one.

So mina noticed that something was different; Amorphous seemed to be a different person, like he was taking something out on her, like the beating he was giving her was beyond the normal.  She ends up asking, “what just happened?”  He ends up asking, “When is D/s abuse?”  This sounded so much like what I have experienced, and what pixie has seen in me.  I cannot relate these events to anything exterior – I wasn’t in a bad mood, there wasn’t anything I was angry about, there was no hint of wanting to punish pixie for something.  I just reached a point where I was a bit outside myself, and became the perfect Dom, taking what I needed, taking it ALL, taking it beyond pixie’s ability to endure it (but for the restraints she is wearing), making her beg me to stop and not stopping.  And at the same time, needing to become a part of her.

In my view, the answers to mina’s and Amorphous’ questions are: first, what just happened is that the two of them experienced a new level of dominance and submission, and new level of intensity, and it was kind of scary.  And second, that D/s is not abuse, for all the reasons Amorphous talked about.  The only people who think it is are those that are not into the scene and don’t get it, and never will.  (It is laughable that the commentor that Amorphous worried about actually said “I fail to see the pleasure here for anyone…you or him.”  Duh, you don’t get it).  What happened between them should not be viewed negatively, Amorphous should not beat himself up over it, and mina should not attribute it to him taking something out on her.  The Dom comes to the sub with whatever is in him at the time, and he takes what he needs, and the sub gives all she can, and sometimes the intensity level can spike up without any visible reason, and those times should be viewed as opportunities to raise the intensity level on both sides.  As pixie and I know, the more submissive she is, the more Dominant I become, and vice-versa, and as I have described here, the more intense I become in delivering pain, the more intense I become in connecting emotionally to her and nurturing her through it.  It is more intense for both of us,  both physically and emotionally.  And isn’t that what it is all about?   We come out of these experiences so much more emotionally connected, it is hard to describe.  It is all built on good judgment, trust, and love.

Pixie and I also talked about the risk, the risk that the “outside myself” part may take over.  I told her that on the one hand, I didn’t see that happening – I have always been aware of what is happening, and have always known enough to stop – pushed the limits but ultimately stopped.  But I said, on the other hand, one could argue that the “outside myself” part had already taken over – it pushed me to ignore pixie’s pleas, it caused me to pass her physical limits, it caused me to make her cry.  And perhaps it was only later that I got it back under control.  So today when it happened…. well, let me set the stage.  Near the end of a very intense couple of days, I had pixie on the bed face down with her butt in the air (The Position).  She had a thick black rope around her neck which was tied to the bed.  Her arms were bound behind her but she was otherwise unrestrained.  I was caning her, and it was hurting a lot, and I was showing no mercy, and she was struggling to get on top of the pain.  She was not holding The Position.  At one point, I just stepped away and stood nearby as she laid on her side.  Finally, she looked at me waiting for her, and she got back into The Position.  I talked to her, and told her that I knew I was asking a lot but that I needed her to stay in place, even without restraints. After that, she got into a superb subspace zone, and the cane strokes continued.  I switched to the whippy thing that had made her cry, and used it viciously for another 5 minutes.  Through it all she barely moved, until she rolled to her side and said, Richard, I need a minute.  I laid down with her and whispered to her and held her.  After a minute she got back into Position without my asking.  I told her “just a few more, count them for me.”  At three, she collapsed again onto her side, and I told her I was done, it was over, and I held her for probably 30 minutes as she came slowly out of subspace.

When we talked about all of this, I told her that I knew I was in that Dom Space zone, outside myself, capable of extreme brutality.  And I gave myself (Mr. Outside Myself) a limit.  I told her “a few more” and in my head set myself a limit of five.  She gave out at three and I ended it.  We recognized that it was a technique I had used to stop the “outside myself” part from getting carried away.  I knew I wanted to go on without end.  I knew that she was in a super subspace zone herself, and would have taken anything I had given her.  I knew it was time to stop.

No guilt, no regrets, no worries about it being abuse – from either of us.  I hope that mina and Amorphous can get there too and wish them the best.

spanking

A day in the life of a slave pt 1

 

This weekend was my first experience as a slave, as Richard’s slave. I survived..actually I survived better than he did. He is exhausted. Being a Master is so hard……..

Actually our weekend is still going. I am sitting here at his table with his cat begging to jump up on my lap. He has the fattest cat in the whole world. He is getting ready to make us breakfast. Not the cat -he doesn’t cook. Richard is going to make us breakfast.

I am tied to the chair. I have been tied to something since I walked through his door Friday night. The bed both nights, the refrigerator door yesterday as he made dinner…today the chair. Mostly the bed. I wasn’t sure how I would react to being tied to something all weekend. I have felt restricted, extra submissive and overall somewhat objectified. It also made me feel cared for and safe. Like a favorite pet. Plus Richard is extremely affectionate. He is nurturing and gentle except for when he is brutal and sadistic. The combination of the parts that make him whole are everything that I need to submit to him fully. I think about some of the things he has done to me, even in the past 48 hours and am amazed that I am sitting here happy as can be in his sunny kitchen.

The weekend got a late start and I didn’t get to his house until later Friday night. He walked me into his bedroom and pushed me back on the bed. I was wearing a new dress. It was pink and reminded me of  a man’s dress shirt. That was the style of the dress but it had a tie around the waist. Richard liked it. He pushed it up to reveal pink panties beneath and he decided right away he had to take my picture. I have mixed feelings about being photographed. I love being the focus of his artistic eye. I love being posed and i love how he plays with me as he photographs me.

Since the weekend for us is still on going I have to make this short. I will tell all as soon as I can. So much happened. From needles to suspension in his attic….and Max and Alex made an appearance this weekend too. I opened my care package from them for November and I finally got to see the contract. It is signed and now I am counting down the days.

Hope everyone had as wonderful of a weekend as I have had.

Max and Alex · November · pee fetish · piss slut · Richard · S/M · urophilia

# 4

as in every relationship the individuals involved must find what works for them. Richard goes away from time to time, he travels and sadly i can not always go with him. i lose track of things sometimes when he is gone. old doubts come back, i am less secure, less confident, less focused. we noticed this the first couple times he had to go away. he has made adjustments along the way that have really helped me. for example he hasn’t stayed away as long as he once would have, he calls me from out of the country a lot and he has made a point to make me feel a part of him when he is gone. one way he does this is by giving me small tasks or assignments to do while he is away. some are simple. some are new things that he in introducing me to, things that he is working on me with. part of my training i guess one could say. after i complete a task or an assignment he likes to have a report on it by noon the next day. his words to me:

 # 4 Tuesday:Do the assignment that you never completed.  No urination an hour before you leave work.  Drink a lot.  Go home and keep drinking.  Hold it until you are dancing around.  You need to be wearing a skirt and white panties.  When you absolutely cannot stand it, go outside in your yard and pee your pants.  Let it run down your legs.  Stay outside for at least 5 minutes after you have finished.  then go in and shower and change.

I want a daily report on the completion of the previous day’s assignment. I don’t want to have to ask for it, or wonder where it is.  I just want it to arrive before noon of the following day.This gives you something for everyday except two, one this week and one weekend day.  I figured the weekend would be lots of Liam, so I’m letting you off.  Anyday you need more, see number 4.

so i did as i was told and then folowed up to him via email my accounting of my task. he asked that i post it here for him.

___________________________________________________________

Dearest Richard,  sometimes even when you aren’t here you test my submission. yesterday you did just that. it was hard for me to wait until i got home to do what i needed to do, to do my assignment for the day. as you know i never leave my office on time. by the time i got home i really, really had to pee.

i sat in my car an extra minute really just enjoying the pressure that was building up in my body before i went inside to change into my white panties. i had already laid them out on my bed earlier that day. i started thinking as i sat there about bodily functions..peeing..orgasm control..etc. and realized how much having that controlled by you arouses me. we never really explored too much of that. i liked thinking about you wanting to control that. it did a lot for me. i liked the idea of this weekend when you said that you would watch me if i had to pee….for some reason with you that appeals to me though it never did before. as i write this i think about a part of my conversation with Max last night. he said that i will have no privacy when i am with him and and Alex. it thrilled me.

i got out of the car and went inside my house…letting my lucky puppy outside to pee. ignore the irony here please.

i needed to change my clothes because i wore pants to my office today. i slipped into a white summer skirt similar to the one you saw me in the first night we met and white cotton panties. i noticed again how uncomfortable i was yet how very aroused i was. my cheeks felt red and my nipples felt very hard. i was wet. i wanted to touch my nipples but didn’t.

i left my shoes off and went to find my new puppy who was running around outside. i walked around my yard with him for a few minutes and eventually put him back on his leash. i think i was really just building up the courage to do as you asked. it is different when you are there to praise me afterwards…to please you face to face. it is harder without that immediate influx of positive attention from you for my submission. i walked around a bit more thinking as i did once again about Max and Alex and being at the lower end of the leash when we visit in November. last night Max and i discussed some of his expectations of me while i am under their care. walking on a lead was one of them.

remember towards the front of my yard there is that little patch of trees? i stood there for a minute or two thinking about how powerful your ownership is for me, how good it makes me feel and really just how the entire dynamic of what we are exploring together has helped me to grow.  there was never a doubt this time in my mind that i would do this for you. around that time my neighbors car pulled in the driveway and she got out and motioned for me to come over. she had purchased my little puppy a treat and wanted to say hello. i groaned inwardly at the kindly old lady and practically limped over to her driveway. i was squeezing my cunt muscles together and it really really started to hurt.  as my neighbor talked to me she turned on her hose and began to fill up her bird bath.

again, ignore the irony.

i told her i had somethings to do before i needed to head out again, thanked her graciously for the puppy treat and walked away. i walked back over to my yard and stood quietly looking out a little into the woods around my home. i liked knowing i had little white panties on, for some reason they seemed more erotic to me at that point than the sexiest lingerie ever could. i relaxed. nothing. i relaxed a little more and noticed i was stepping from one foot to the next..i really had to go. again i thought about you and this control i so willingly hand over to you. i smiled. i liked knowing that you may even at this very moment be thinking about what i was doing. i felt a heat between my legs and after a second it spread into a wet warmth that streamed down both of my legs to the grass and dried leaves under me. i had a fleeting thought about the drought and how i was just doing my part to help the environment. i stood in my yard and peed my pants because my owner told me to…that is what i was thinking as i stood there and let it go. i felt young and naughty..lol. kinda like i was doing something secret. i was so turned on by what i had just done. it reminded me of the ocean that day when you made me do it.

i like this new part of my submission and i love the fact i was pleasing you while humiliating myself. my only regret was that you weren’t there to punish your bad little girl for peeing her pants. now THAT is hot. 🙂