This weekend, when pixie and I were recovering from what can only be described as several sessions of pure debauchery, she had me read two posts on Mina blog http://longingsend.wordpress.com/ the first by Mina http://longingsend.wordpress.com/2007/10/14/what-just-happened/ and the other by Amorphous, http://longingsend.wordpress.com/2007/10/16/when-is-ds-abuse/ I encourage you to go and read these posts. They inspired an interesting conversation between pixie and me which I would like to recount here.
I should begin by telling you that pixie has been looking forward to our weekend with both excitement and nervousness. I have been particularly dominant toward her recently, and I have given her some ideas about what I intended to do to her in her weekend as slave (“Upcoming Weekend”, posted October 16th). She was nervous enough that, when she arrived, she asked if she could have a safe word. I must admit, this was a big surprise to me (she has NEVER had a safe word), but I said “no,” and that was the end of the subject.
Later, we were talking about the times when I seem to get outside myself, a different attitude comes over me. Pixie says that sometimes it is for an entire session, sometimes it just appears for a second, but it is a level of intensity that just appears, and is visible to her. I recognize that this happens. I recognize it when I am pushing pixie’s limits, when I reach a spot where I am almost removed from myself, watching myself from right nearby, when I am at the point where I am delivering maximum pain to pixie. It happened two or three times this weekend. It has happened before, when I made pixie cry (“Cry” August 29), for example.
What I have also learned is that it is at this moment of delivering the most intense pain, that I go into that Dom Space zone I described here (Dom Space… September 9), and become so close to her, so loving and emotionally connected to her, that I want to meld myself into her. The two seem to be inseparable. I once spent a few sessions with a submissive who I was not close to, and I found I could give her pain and be almost indifferent about it, but I did not step outside myself, and I did not have that Dom Space feeling or the intense desire to just melt into the sub that I get with pixie. When this Dom Space occurs, I can deliver the most savage strapping or caning and then lay my head down behind pixie’s head and just nuzzle her and want to become part of her, and then I can go back to savagely beating her. And all the time, it is just …. oh….. inside my head, and I want to hurt her, actually see myself from outside, delivering the most intense pain, and at the same time, feeling so incredibly close to her, but not close enough, and trying to become part of her..being part of her like I’ve never been with anyone. We were one.
So mina noticed that something was different; Amorphous seemed to be a different person, like he was taking something out on her, like the beating he was giving her was beyond the normal. She ends up asking, “what just happened?” He ends up asking, “When is D/s abuse?” This sounded so much like what I have experienced, and what pixie has seen in me. I cannot relate these events to anything exterior – I wasn’t in a bad mood, there wasn’t anything I was angry about, there was no hint of wanting to punish pixie for something. I just reached a point where I was a bit outside myself, and became the perfect Dom, taking what I needed, taking it ALL, taking it beyond pixie’s ability to endure it (but for the restraints she is wearing), making her beg me to stop and not stopping. And at the same time, needing to become a part of her.
In my view, the answers to mina’s and Amorphous’ questions are: first, what just happened is that the two of them experienced a new level of dominance and submission, and new level of intensity, and it was kind of scary. And second, that D/s is not abuse, for all the reasons Amorphous talked about. The only people who think it is are those that are not into the scene and don’t get it, and never will. (It is laughable that the commentor that Amorphous worried about actually said “I fail to see the pleasure here for anyone…you or him.” Duh, you don’t get it). What happened between them should not be viewed negatively, Amorphous should not beat himself up over it, and mina should not attribute it to him taking something out on her. The Dom comes to the sub with whatever is in him at the time, and he takes what he needs, and the sub gives all she can, and sometimes the intensity level can spike up without any visible reason, and those times should be viewed as opportunities to raise the intensity level on both sides. As pixie and I know, the more submissive she is, the more Dominant I become, and vice-versa, and as I have described here, the more intense I become in delivering pain, the more intense I become in connecting emotionally to her and nurturing her through it. It is more intense for both of us, both physically and emotionally. And isn’t that what it is all about? We come out of these experiences so much more emotionally connected, it is hard to describe. It is all built on good judgment, trust, and love.
Pixie and I also talked about the risk, the risk that the “outside myself” part may take over. I told her that on the one hand, I didn’t see that happening – I have always been aware of what is happening, and have always known enough to stop – pushed the limits but ultimately stopped. But I said, on the other hand, one could argue that the “outside myself” part had already taken over – it pushed me to ignore pixie’s pleas, it caused me to pass her physical limits, it caused me to make her cry. And perhaps it was only later that I got it back under control. So today when it happened…. well, let me set the stage. Near the end of a very intense couple of days, I had pixie on the bed face down with her butt in the air (The Position). She had a thick black rope around her neck which was tied to the bed. Her arms were bound behind her but she was otherwise unrestrained. I was caning her, and it was hurting a lot, and I was showing no mercy, and she was struggling to get on top of the pain. She was not holding The Position. At one point, I just stepped away and stood nearby as she laid on her side. Finally, she looked at me waiting for her, and she got back into The Position. I talked to her, and told her that I knew I was asking a lot but that I needed her to stay in place, even without restraints. After that, she got into a superb subspace zone, and the cane strokes continued. I switched to the whippy thing that had made her cry, and used it viciously for another 5 minutes. Through it all she barely moved, until she rolled to her side and said, Richard, I need a minute. I laid down with her and whispered to her and held her. After a minute she got back into Position without my asking. I told her “just a few more, count them for me.” At three, she collapsed again onto her side, and I told her I was done, it was over, and I held her for probably 30 minutes as she came slowly out of subspace.
When we talked about all of this, I told her that I knew I was in that Dom Space zone, outside myself, capable of extreme brutality. And I gave myself (Mr. Outside Myself) a limit. I told her “a few more” and in my head set myself a limit of five. She gave out at three and I ended it. We recognized that it was a technique I had used to stop the “outside myself” part from getting carried away. I knew I wanted to go on without end. I knew that she was in a super subspace zone herself, and would have taken anything I had given her. I knew it was time to stop.
No guilt, no regrets, no worries about it being abuse – from either of us. I hope that mina and Amorphous can get there too and wish them the best.