Figuring things out- from Richard

 I am posting this Richard…..not because i agree with what you have written…and not just because i feel your side needs heard but because words like this coming from one of the strongest most infallible men i have known touches me like nothing else could. They must be read. I have read this twice…and some parts of it more. Your words broke my heart tonight because they made things very clear. Reality is settling over me right now and i ache with the pain of what i am going to face when you no longer ‘own’ me. But that isn’t today…and unless you say, it isn’t tomorrow either.

The morning after pixie’s post, she text messaged me saying nothing had changed between us; everything was solid. Since we were both supposed to be enjoying some time with other people, I said, of course, everything is fine. Then I sat down at my computer and wrote this. Because of course, we are fine – I believe nothing will ever change the positive feelings we have for each other. But the world moves and everything shifts.

As may be apparent from this blog, pixie and I have always spent way too much time worrying about the future. We can begin a conversation in perfectly good humor, and ever so slowly slip into a funk. She has been struggling. If she puts it to words, the lawyer in me (trained to find the downside) leaps out, and finds all the possible worst outcomes. When she expresses a doubt, I feed on it. Usually this means that our perfectly fine conversation drifts into depression just about the time we have to say goodbye, part ways, hang up, end an online conversation. It has been hard sometimes.

Liam has more flexibility than I do. He can, if he chooses, see pixie everyday. I cannot. And what is apparent from pixie’s post is that the mental control I have held over her cannot stand up to his physical, dominant presence. When he is present, he is in control. Not totally yet, but more every day. As I have said recently, how far we have come from “please just tell me to stop seeing him.” You all know I spent too much effort encouraging this relationship to let her end it, let alone order her to.

So where does this leave Richard and pixie? I have often envisioned the ways our relationship could end. The first is that I could wrench myself out of pixie’s life and send her off to Liam, ready or not, and see if he grows into his responsibilities to her. Most of you do not know that twice I have put an end to our relationship, only to spend a day of pleading, and tears on both sides, and long conversations about how we can still make it work. After reversing myself a day later, I have regretted causing pixie such pain. Each time we have come out of it with the understanding that I won’t leave a day earlier than necessary. Each time I realize how hard it will be to define the phrase “when necessary.”

The second way it could end, is by me hanging around until, as I put it to pixie, I become a charity case. Never has she been so disdainful of anything I have ever said to her. She threatened to hang up on me. She told me she was going to pretend the conversation had never happened. She actually told me it was the stupidest thing I had ever said to her. We laugh about it now. But as between the first and the second possible outcomes, and putting it a bit differently, I will choose the former and leave with some dignity intact.

The third way, the way I have always hoped for, is that pixie will come to the realization that she cannot have her cake and eat it too, and least not forever. Liam will force her to this conclusion before either she or I think it has become “necessary.” His dominance, as it grows, will redefine “necessary” for us. This outcome would be both a cause for joy (for the two of them) and a cause of pain for pixie and me. Beyond bittersweet. There is no word for it yet.

She has told me she will not give him the role of being her Dominant until she no longer has me. By this she meant that as long as I am available to her. But of course, that isn’t really what it means. If I am here for 6 months, it works. If I am here 5 years, it won’t work. Not for Liam anyway; and who can blame him? So, she says, she won’t give him that role as long as she has me……..

She tells me that “boyfriend” is not Dominant, and certainly not “Owner.” But pixie, dear, my sweet submissive pixie, can you at least see the realization coming? If you haven’t yet come to the realization, can you envision that you might?

We have traveled down this road together, trying so hard to hang on to the joyful parts and ignore the pain. We still have some time. We have much to teach him really, and tests to put him through: can he actually hurt her as much as she needs? If not, he will not be Mr. Perfect after all. And pixie must decide what it is she really wants from life, as she struggles with the idea that marriage might come, and with it the pressures of a strong man making her dependant, taking away her independence, taking something from her she is not ready to give up. Momentous decisions certainly. She is struggling with these. And of course, I will not just disappear. I will follow her life forever, if I can.

I tell her that I have to live with myself. I want the two of them, twenty years from now, to be able to look back at this: she with wonderful memories of our time together; him with at least respect for me and the choices I made.

So, pixie……. I will not wrench myself out of your life. I will be patient, and wait for you to get there.

6 thoughts on “Figuring things out- from Richard

  1. Ok, I have read, and read and read….. heaps on this blog, but one thing I cannot find is why you pixie and you Richard, cannot be together?

    Obviously there must be a reason, and forgive me for not being able to find it, perhaps I just havent read through every single solitary post, but please, if you can (I understand if you cannot) enlighten me as to why two perfect people together cannot remain as one?

    I am not being ignorant, nor trying to be destructive, nor questioning anyone’s motives, I just cannot find the answer in any of the reading I have done.

    You seem so in love….it all seems so sad….so I guess there is a reason, forgive me for not being able to find it.

    Warm hugs to you both


  2. hi Rosie…this question keeps coming up. without telling all i will try and do the best explanation i can while still maintining the confidentiality of all parties involved.

    we do love each other and i’ll admit that we have ‘jokingly’ let it pass between us in conversation what it would be like if we were free to be together. there are multiple reasons why this would never work. first our age difference is more years than most would feel appropriate…secondly life will be taking him away to another country- date still undetermined and thirdly he is in another relationship- a primary relationship that has spanned more years than even i have been alive,

    so as these things usually are it is all very complicated. the fact we had no intention of feeling anything for each other does little to make this less painful as the end nears.

    R taught me all about boxes…how things and feelings and relationships have to be and sometimes need to be boxed up. ours is a relationship like that and we entered into it knowing the box would one day need to be tightly closed. but never so tightly closed that the wonderful memories and lessons that he has given me can’t come out.

    it’s a good question rosie and i appreciate your worry. when it is over it will be over with smiles and tears and lots and lots of the sweetest memories. he had truly been one of the biggest gifts in my life. and everyday that he stays in my life will be just that much better because of him- and who can blame me for holding onto that?

  3. Richard, you may have just changed my mind. Pixie loves you. I don’t know her and won’t pretend to know her anymore than any of her readers really know her but the village idiot can recognize the growth in her since you have led her past Mark and into a true D/s relationship. I have been judging you, perhaps out of jealously. I will admit that. I saw you as selfish. Maybe as a man who was attempting to hold on to her longer than you should have. I think you want what is best for her. I think you KNOW what is best for her and you know it isn’t having you ‘wrench’ yourself out of her life. I think it is up to the two of you to realize when leaving her will not be quite so wrenching though I can’t imagine when that day will come or how you will handle it when it does. I think that is takes a strong man, a big man to lead her to another when your hands must itch to kill any man who touches what you OWN. I couldn’t do it. Until I read this I saw it differently. Thank YOU for sharing this pixie, it allows us to see Sir Richard in a new light. I like him again.
    Sometimes things are not what they seem. I wish the best for you both.

  4. wonderful Richard, i love seeing your feelings shine through for pixie. this is a beautiful post feel of emotions and hard feelings. thank you for sharing!

  5. Pixie…. thank you.

    I understand, far more than I am able to say.

    Trust me, with the above statement.

    Thank you again sweetness. I know completely and fully realise the turmoil.


  6. thank you for your words, Dr. Drom.

    Pixie and I are in a good place right now. I can no longer say that Liam isn’t ready, he almost certainly is. But pixie has the chance to have her cake and eat it too a little longer, and who can or would deny her that opportunity? I think that we, pixie and I, have come to the same place. I will stay until I have to go for my own personal reasons, or until she can no longer convince Liam that he has to live with the conflict and ambiguity created by this situation. That is in her hands. She knows that, and that both of us want her to keep him. For me, I would rather share her with Liam than have none of her. And those are my only choices – I am not going to drive him away- he is her future. We hope that he loves her enough and has enough patience, to indulge her a little longer in her quest for “cake and eat it too.”

    Maybe it took all of this to get her to this point. And my hope is that all of her readers will have a better understanding of where we are, so they can offer her the support she needs to deal with the conflicts inherent in the choices we have made, rather than questioning the choices. She needs that from you.

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