I am posting this Richard…..not because i agree with what you have written…and not just because i feel your side needs heard but because words like this coming from one of the strongest most infallible men i have known touches me like nothing else could. They must be read. I have read this twice…and some parts of it more. Your words broke my heart tonight because they made things very clear. Reality is settling over me right now and i ache with the pain of what i am going to face when you no longer ‘own’ me. But that isn’t today…and unless you say, it isn’t tomorrow either.
The morning after pixie’s post, she text messaged me saying nothing had changed between us; everything was solid. Since we were both supposed to be enjoying some time with other people, I said, of course, everything is fine. Then I sat down at my computer and wrote this. Because of course, we are fine – I believe nothing will ever change the positive feelings we have for each other. But the world moves and everything shifts.
As may be apparent from this blog, pixie and I have always spent way too much time worrying about the future. We can begin a conversation in perfectly good humor, and ever so slowly slip into a funk. She has been struggling. If she puts it to words, the lawyer in me (trained to find the downside) leaps out, and finds all the possible worst outcomes. When she expresses a doubt, I feed on it. Usually this means that our perfectly fine conversation drifts into depression just about the time we have to say goodbye, part ways, hang up, end an online conversation. It has been hard sometimes.
Liam has more flexibility than I do. He can, if he chooses, see pixie everyday. I cannot. And what is apparent from pixie’s post is that the mental control I have held over her cannot stand up to his physical, dominant presence. When he is present, he is in control. Not totally yet, but more every day. As I have said recently, how far we have come from “please just tell me to stop seeing him.” You all know I spent too much effort encouraging this relationship to let her end it, let alone order her to.
So where does this leave Richard and pixie? I have often envisioned the ways our relationship could end. The first is that I could wrench myself out of pixie’s life and send her off to Liam, ready or not, and see if he grows into his responsibilities to her. Most of you do not know that twice I have put an end to our relationship, only to spend a day of pleading, and tears on both sides, and long conversations about how we can still make it work. After reversing myself a day later, I have regretted causing pixie such pain. Each time we have come out of it with the understanding that I won’t leave a day earlier than necessary. Each time I realize how hard it will be to define the phrase “when necessary.”
The second way it could end, is by me hanging around until, as I put it to pixie, I become a charity case. Never has she been so disdainful of anything I have ever said to her. She threatened to hang up on me. She told me she was going to pretend the conversation had never happened. She actually told me it was the stupidest thing I had ever said to her. We laugh about it now. But as between the first and the second possible outcomes, and putting it a bit differently, I will choose the former and leave with some dignity intact.
The third way, the way I have always hoped for, is that pixie will come to the realization that she cannot have her cake and eat it too, and least not forever. Liam will force her to this conclusion before either she or I think it has become “necessary.” His dominance, as it grows, will redefine “necessary” for us. This outcome would be both a cause for joy (for the two of them) and a cause of pain for pixie and me. Beyond bittersweet. There is no word for it yet.
She has told me she will not give him the role of being her Dominant until she no longer has me. By this she meant that as long as I am available to her. But of course, that isn’t really what it means. If I am here for 6 months, it works. If I am here 5 years, it won’t work. Not for Liam anyway; and who can blame him? So, she says, she won’t give him that role as long as she has me……..
She tells me that “boyfriend” is not Dominant, and certainly not “Owner.” But pixie, dear, my sweet submissive pixie, can you at least see the realization coming? If you haven’t yet come to the realization, can you envision that you might?
We have traveled down this road together, trying so hard to hang on to the joyful parts and ignore the pain. We still have some time. We have much to teach him really, and tests to put him through: can he actually hurt her as much as she needs? If not, he will not be Mr. Perfect after all. And pixie must decide what it is she really wants from life, as she struggles with the idea that marriage might come, and with it the pressures of a strong man making her dependant, taking away her independence, taking something from her she is not ready to give up. Momentous decisions certainly. She is struggling with these. And of course, I will not just disappear. I will follow her life forever, if I can.
I tell her that I have to live with myself. I want the two of them, twenty years from now, to be able to look back at this: she with wonderful memories of our time together; him with at least respect for me and the choices I made.
So, pixie……. I will not wrench myself out of your life. I will be patient, and wait for you to get there.