D/s · M. · Max and Alex · Ms. Anna · Richard · Richard and Ms. Anna · S/M · spanking

Explaining..better late than never. ;)

I was vague. I was protecting the innocent- and the not so innocent. I was writing on a need to know basis. I realize I left a lot to be desired by way of an explanation to everyone about the sudden shift several months ago. I have received more than a few emails and many comments asking me for more of an explanation regarding the sudden demise of pixie, Ms. Anna and Richard. I wonder if it is wise to even bring it all back up, i thought the curiosity would fade as the months pass but so far it hasn’t./ I think we must have presented an interesting dynamic- and one that I wish we could have maintained for longer than what we did.

The most recent one said this from  a lovely fellow blogger…you can read her here: http://labelladonna1.blogspot.com/. She asked…..

Darling- i would really like to know more about Ms. Anna, Mark, and how you came to meet Richard. The interpersonal dynamics of D/s fascinates me and since i’ve never been shared of in a polyamorous relationship i find your experiences compelling. Please tell me more about how you came into this- i hope you post it here but if you’d rather you can email me at my personal email.

Thank you,
elizabeth

I like this. I like knowing that through my story, through my own experiences I could possibly help other people learn more about D/s.

I think M and I knew we were winding down. It isn’t a secret that I was not his primary relationship yet what we had was real and rare and amazing- and nothing that I will ever be ashamed of. It was difficult to maintain and even harder to let go of. One of the things I valued about M was his apparent devotion to his primary relationship. I loved the fact that he had the capacity to love the way he did. I loved how he only spoke about her with devotion and love in his voice. I always knew where I stood with him and how much his real life partner was loved by him. It took nothing away from what he offered me and it made him safe to me. The funny thing was that I found myself several times wishing that their relationship was more open, that for his sake she was willing to offer all that he needed or that she was at least willing to allow him to have his needs met.  I admire couples that recognize that it is almost impossible for one single person to meet all of another persons needs. Take Alex and Max for example, they are secure enough in their love and their relationship to open the door to some wonderful amazing experiences. It is remarkable really. And I am not just saying that because their door is once again being opened to me…I truly admire people who are that confident with their partner. It is a selfless love to accept all of a person and not just what you deem normal or acceptable. I think that is the rarest love of all.

Anyway, M and I knew we were winding down. The best things in life aren’t meant to last they say and this proved true with he and I. At this point we weren’t prepared to end it- though he felt that he was holding me back in a way. That I could possibly miss an opportunity for something more substantial and tangible by serving him from a distance. So he brought Ms. Anna into my life. I loved her right away, funny and sweet and she had sparkling eyes that seemed mischievous and intelligent. I was given to her to discipline. Typing that now to me seems almost odd when I look at it from how M saw things. I have journeyed so far from where he left me. He felt I needed more discipline and structure in my life and that Ms. Anna could offer it to me so that when he saw me again my submission would be more complete. Why this is odd to me now is that he felt there should be no pleasure in it for me, it was discipline, it was punishment. Yet he knew that punishment from his hands whether for pleasure or strictly pain was almost always pleasure. I am a masochist, remember? https://pixiepie.wordpress.com/2007/05/24/from-m-2/ 

And so went my first session with Ms. Anna. https://pixiepie.wordpress.com/2007/05/20/ms-anna/  It left me yearning for something more than his voice on the other end of the phone. I needed more, Ms. Anna recognized that. M did too. Though I should note here that I kicked and screamed going into this relationship. I fought M about Ms. Anna, I fought him even more when he told me to meet Richard. 

Ms. Anna was Richard’s submissive. Their relationship spanned over 10 years in an on again off again sort of way. Both leading busy professional lives they made time for each other when they could. Richard held Ms. Anna in such a high regard I was overcome with the emotion between them when I first sat down with the two of them. He told me once that she truly made him a better person. I don’t think he loved her in a man/woman sort of way. Not like what we share of course it was something very different but no less special. They met a need in each other for a very long time and I felt honored to be a part of what they had.

Knowing that I needed more Ms. Anna asked M for permission to introduce me to Richard. It was not overnight that M said yes. I know that for awhile he was conflicted by the thought of putting another Dominant man in my life. It was many discussions between he and I and many conversations between M and Richard before it happened. I was to meet them for dinner and then I later found out that M had given permission for me to go back with them to witness a scene between Richard and Anna. Looking back now I see that Richard and Ms.Anna ending was inevitable. That night was the last time Ms. Anna submitted to Richard- it was also the first time I did. https://pixiepie.wordpress.com/2007/05/24/anna-and-richard-pt-1/

After that night it was the three of us. Ms. Anna and I never had sex. It wasn’t like that between us at all. I think if anything she felt almost maternal towards me. Yet she did stroke me into a mind blowing orgasm one time with her soft hand. that was nice. But it was never she and I submitting to Richard at the same time. She was in a Dominant role to me. I think that skewed the dynamic between the two of them. Maybe that is one reason it ended for them. Maybe Ms. Anna just ran out of time and energy to please such a demanding man and gave me to him so she could walk away. I wish I knew exactly why she was so willing to give a man she knew so well exactly what he needed and then wonder when he loved me. He told her once as it was ending…that she hadn’t just given him a toy, that she had given him the perfect submissive toy for him. Our needs clicked right away. Submitting to him was natural.

Having Richard in my life altered my relationship with M almost immediately. First of all it took a lot for him to forgive me for allowing Richard to touch me that night. Yet he eventually took responsibility for placing a highly submissive person with an older experienced Dominant. Still lines were crossed that shouldn’t have been crossed but that is neither here nor there. It is what it is and there are no regrets.

It went smoothly for several weeks. M and I decided to step away from each other. This was the hardest decision I had ever made and Richard was there for me through it all. We were seeing each other almost daily and my submission towards him grew and grew until the thoughts of any other Dominant, including Ms. Anna made little sense to me. He was all I needed.

Jealously is a brutal companion. Ms. Anna had asked me at dinner one night if it would bother me if she and Richard spent some time alone without me. My first instinct was…”what for?” I didn’t say that but I thought it, my jealous nature being swallowed though right away I thought…why would he need you, can’t you see the pleasure I am givng him? Yet I hated myself for those thoughts and kept them to myself until now. I wondered why they hadn’t spent time together without me. I had been out of town for a week at one point and they only met for dinner. I felt like what R and I were sharing took all the Dominance out of him. If there was a mistake made, that was one. Neither one of them made a point to feed that relationship. When you starve something it dies.

R and I were busy feeding each other. I was growing in my submission to him daily. It was written all over me. At dinner another evening with Ms. Anna she asked me, “You aren’t falling in love with him, are you?”

“Of course not!” I was adamant and may have even still meant it when I said it. She told me that she felt he loved me already and I laughed it off. She did too and said that I was good for him. It felt like she pushed me towards him in a lot of ways. She told me how to please him, taught me what he expected from a submissive. She helped make me into what he needed.

One night we all had plans to meet for shopping and dinner. She was already there when R and I walked in. As we slid into the seats across from her I noticed a wariness in her eyes. Through dinner her eyes never wandered far from my face. Maybe R shouldn’t have sat beside me, maybe he leaned down into my whispers too many times, or his hand touched me too often…maybe our conversation was to two sided. Ms. Anna saw something in us that night that the two of us had only just begun to realize. She told him that night that she realized when we walked in together that somehow when she wasn’t looking we had become a twosome- a couple. She didn’t want to see him anymore. At first they thought, ok- let’s just keep it separate. Richard tossed the idea around of keeping us both. Two separate relationships…he would Dom her. He would also be Dominant to me. I think it was as close to an ultimatum as I could have given him. I told him that I didn’t want to share him. That I would rather not come between he and Ms. Anna and that if she meant that much to him then he needed to let me go and give her all of his Dominance because she deserved that. I told him that I deserved that too and that I wouldn’t be one of two.

And so it ended. I think they are still friends on some distant level. I think a stray email passes between the two of them every blue moon. She blames me for the downfall of what they had. I take my share of responsibility. I regret that what once meant so much ended. Yet I know that I have given Richard everything he could possibly imagine. I think that if anything I am a better submissive to him because I know he lost something important to him in order to keep me. I know he takes responsibility for it too, that he hates hurting her and he hates that it ended in sadness and anger. I think that she must somehow feel responsible most of all. Not only did she put me in his life but she stepped back at the same time. She told me how to make him love me, how to please him and then grew angry when it worked. That is still a source of confusion for me.

I think that to sum it up it was destined from that very first night he touched me that I would be owned by him. He told me that was the night he started loving me…that my need for nurture touched him somehow. That wrapping me in a down quilt and holding me as I still trembled from the intensity of being flogged pulled me into his heart. I remember how I clung to him that night, how I have clung to him ever since. We feed each other and it has been an amazing journey. Again, no regrets. I am pleased, so pleased with how this has all turned out. My only regret is losing Ms. Anna, we left so much undone.

I hope this puts to rest the questions. I hope I have explained it. I think where Richard and I are now explains it better than I ever could.

16 thoughts on “Explaining..better late than never. ;)

  1. Ms. Anna is one of the best persons I have ever known. She DID make me a better person, by example. I miss her laugh, chiding me about my faults.

    This didn’t work out the way we expected. Perhaps we were all naive. We did make decisions (I won’t call them mistakes) that resulted in an outcome other than the one envisioned. But pixie has made me happier than I could ever have imagined. She is an amazing creature.

    I understand the curiousity, and pixie has done a nice job of summarizing the journey. But this is the last we will hear of this. Ms. Anna did not sign on to make her life public, and we will respect that. Her name will come up, of course. Pixie will certainly mention her, as she does M, in relating events to the past. But there will be no more posts where she is the subject. This pain is private and no more need be said about it. So please, don’t ask anymore.

  2. guilty as charged? I was another one that wondered! Thank you for sharing. I understand jealously and how it works both ways. I am sure that even as you felt jealous of Ms. Anna and her relationship with Richard that she felt more jealous of you. Look what you are giving him. YOU realize how special that is. I doubt he feels too much loss. 🙂 Try not to feel too guilty, you are like the most submissive person in blogosphere.

  3. sweet naive pixie. Don’t you see the appeal of a submissive woman giving her Dom a gift such as you? I doubt she gave you to him to allow herself to walk away. I imagine she gave you to him to please him, to make herself more submissive in his eyes. Not less. If anyone is guilty here my dear is you. Your post screams of the means justifying the end and that is a terrible, terrible trait in a submissive. Do you think your jealously pleases your owner now anymore than it pleased him then? I think that somewhere along the line you gave yourself permission to be jealous of what your owner needed to feel pleasure. Pleasure outside of you. I think you should be ashamed of yourself not only by what you did but the attitude and voice in which you attempt to justify it here. Do you ever reflect on what you took away from him or are you more caught up on what you give him?

  4. tsk, tsk, dr. dom. and here i thought you were one of pixie’s biggest fans. perhaps a little less judgment and a little more compassion for all those involved? i would say more but instead choose to respect richard’s request and not open up the wound further. let’s just be careful of casting stones. we’re all human here, after all.

  5. there is plenty of blame to go around, Dr. Dom and pixie has taken her share. Let it rest. She took much of it that belonged to me. So criticize the right person if you must criticize at all. Just don’t expect me to pay attention.

  6. pixie, while you are with Max and Alex…can i fuck Richard? 🙂

    come on, don’t tell me i am the only one who wanted to ask……

  7. Dr. Dom, great insight. And probably quite accurate. Funny how things get skewed when one can’t see past themselves. Pixie seems very self-absorbed to me but I suppose that’s what makes her interesting in a twisted sort of way. And Richard seems so pleased with himself to have Pixie, that he defends her even when she appears selfish and stupid to her readers. Don’t they call that love or lust or something like it?

    And besides, if opposing opinions aren’t welcome and are received with a snippy sort of attitude, then what’s the point of allowing people to comment? Is it only to stroke egos and make nice or is honesty allowed? I’m betting on the former.

    Anyhow…aren’t we hashing old news? I’m sure readers would much prefer to hear of the million ways Pixie and Richard fuck one another than to read of the drama that goes on behind the scenes.

    Love to Dr. Dom. He’s the only one here with any brains at all.

  8. I never meant to give someone who is as bitter as lizzashappy ammunition to hurt pixiepie. I am sorry pixie that my opinion of this post caused you distress- if it did! Something tells me you have the ability to laugh off comments such as mine with the same ability you have to ignore the lunatic ravings above. She poses a question asking…is honesty allowed? I think and I will say this to all; this blog is the most honest that I have read. It would have een easy for you to say that you were sorry to see Ms. Anna go, that you regretted having Richard to yourself. Instead as always you put yourself out there and told us JUST what you were thinking. I applaud you for that and again my apologies for what I said.

    Ms. Bitter hasn’t been laid in awhile bitch is right about one thing- we WOULD rather hear about the millions of ways Richard fucks you.

  9. pixie, don’t you just love lurkers who pretend they know what is inside you? your blog is so honest…so real. i love it. plaease don’t feel sad, one has to wonder if it was Ms. Anna who wrote that incognito…funny we have never heard of lizzassounhappy before. Smile pixie, we love you! And Richard, continue feeling pleased that pixie is yours- why shouldn’t you defend her? that is your job as her Dom.

  10. Beautifully written, pixie. I don’t think you’re to blame at all in this; they were the ones who gave you away, not knowing how precious you were. I’m very glad for you and Richard. Here’s wishing you both every happiness… 🙂

  11. I am agreeing with Eve here pixie. WTF was Mark thinking? I think that whenever people try to control situations and emotions too much they usually get what they deserve. Mark wanted you to have discipline I say job well done Mark. Look what he gave you. It is HIS fault and his alone that he couldn’t handle the outcome. The same holds true for Ms. Anna. If she hadn’t put you in Richard’s life she would still likely have have Richard. I guess I am waiting to see where you hold any blame here. My submissive does what she is told. You obeyed Mark at the time who put Ms. Anna in a Domme role with you who then in turn put Richard in a Dom role towards you. When throughout this entire thing were you not just being exactly who they knew you to be? The fault is not with you pixie. If people are willing to value your submission based on what it can give them they need to be prepared for what it can take away. My feeling is that Ms. Anna didn’t have a shot in hell and I don’t even know her.
    Submissive girls like you are few and far between. Richard is not an idiot to let that pass by him unawares. Mark was the idiot to think that allowing ANYONE access to you was a good thing. I echo Eve’s sentiments, good luck to you both and don’t let comments like the one above make you feel anything less than perfect.

  12. had to pop back in and put my two cents in. what the hell? who is this person to blame you? it goes back to the saying, be careful what you ask for you might just get it. Mark wanted you to have more discipline- check. Ms. Anna wanted Richard to have another submissive- check.

    and darling you do not sound stupid to your readers. we love you. Richard is fantastic. So was Mark, so was Ms. Anna. So I don’t think there is blame for anyone here just like Richard said decisions needed to be made. I doubt he has any regrets.

    Now back to my question above? Richard? Sorry pixie, can’t blame a girl for trying.

  13. Thank you for the backstory, pixie – i’m a new reader and had been wondering how all the pieces fit together. You and Richard share something very special and beautiful.

  14. i rarely comment but had to my two cents in here. i follow this blog and have commented before so i hope i am considered more than your average lurker….
    pixie whaere have you gone wrong here? you haven’t. i think you took some slack for this from a few of your readers who most likely understand only parts of the D/s reality. in relationships like this people can feel intense emotions quickly and they are usually more real that what most people or vanilla people feel. it is the extreme of love or trust and all that goes with that. you also don’t play with it. your marveling M was not using good judgement when he placed you in this position. Ms. Anna may have just had her own agenda. i don’t get that one at all.
    of course he defends her lissa, that is his responsibility though i guarantee it is real to him and he is not just defending her because he is blinded by what they have. to call her stupid is wrong and selfish just makes no sense. reading this she comes across as anything but. she is reflective and almost regretful that she lost Ms. Anna.

    and the self absorbed comment is silly. this is her blog of course it seems self absorbed it is about her ‘self’.
    love to pixie and Richard.
    hugs, krawl

  15. thank everyone for all of your comments, and contrary to what was implied above ALL comments are welcome. i would prefer that people not make them insulting…the stupid and selfish comment was slightly hurtful but i set myself up for ignorant remarks when i make my feelings and experiences public.

    i feel the need to add a bit here. my relationship with Richard has been amazing, something out of an erotic novel. the only negative associated with he and i other than our eventual departure from each others lives has been Ms. Anna. It has been the loss of her that impacted us negatively. For me Ms. Anna had started to represent something that I never really had. She was an amazing role model and although she was in my life a short time i cared about her deeply, i still do. now you might say if i cared about her so much how could i possibly take R out of her life. in my mind i didnt take him. dont forget that i was given to him with her blessing….spent time with him at her insistence and in many ways was trained by her in ways to please him. it was her choice to take herself out of a relationship where she felt the emotional price way too high. i understand her choice, i respect her choice. but i miss her and i dont want to speak for R but i imagine there are times that he does as well.
    i remain regretful that she decided to leave the situation that really up until the minute she walked away i thought was going just as she planned.

    i harbor no ill feelings towards Ms Anna. why would i? she was never anything but loving and supportive of me. She is a beautiful person inside and out. i have lost her friendship and her respect- and that is my only regret.

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