I was vague. I was protecting the innocent- and the not so innocent. I was writing on a need to know basis. I realize I left a lot to be desired by way of an explanation to everyone about the sudden shift several months ago. I have received more than a few emails and many comments asking me for more of an explanation regarding the sudden demise of pixie, Ms. Anna and Richard. I wonder if it is wise to even bring it all back up, i thought the curiosity would fade as the months pass but so far it hasn’t./ I think we must have presented an interesting dynamic- and one that I wish we could have maintained for longer than what we did.
The most recent one said this from a lovely fellow blogger…you can read her here: http://labelladonna1.blogspot.com/. She asked…..
Darling- i would really like to know more about Ms. Anna, Mark, and how you came to meet Richard. The interpersonal dynamics of D/s fascinates me and since i’ve never been shared of in a polyamorous relationship i find your experiences compelling. Please tell me more about how you came into this- i hope you post it here but if you’d rather you can email me at my personal email.
I like this. I like knowing that through my story, through my own experiences I could possibly help other people learn more about D/s.
I think M and I knew we were winding down. It isn’t a secret that I was not his primary relationship yet what we had was real and rare and amazing- and nothing that I will ever be ashamed of. It was difficult to maintain and even harder to let go of. One of the things I valued about M was his apparent devotion to his primary relationship. I loved the fact that he had the capacity to love the way he did. I loved how he only spoke about her with devotion and love in his voice. I always knew where I stood with him and how much his real life partner was loved by him. It took nothing away from what he offered me and it made him safe to me. The funny thing was that I found myself several times wishing that their relationship was more open, that for his sake she was willing to offer all that he needed or that she was at least willing to allow him to have his needs met. I admire couples that recognize that it is almost impossible for one single person to meet all of another persons needs. Take Alex and Max for example, they are secure enough in their love and their relationship to open the door to some wonderful amazing experiences. It is remarkable really. And I am not just saying that because their door is once again being opened to me…I truly admire people who are that confident with their partner. It is a selfless love to accept all of a person and not just what you deem normal or acceptable. I think that is the rarest love of all.
Anyway, M and I knew we were winding down. The best things in life aren’t meant to last they say and this proved true with he and I. At this point we weren’t prepared to end it- though he felt that he was holding me back in a way. That I could possibly miss an opportunity for something more substantial and tangible by serving him from a distance. So he brought Ms. Anna into my life. I loved her right away, funny and sweet and she had sparkling eyes that seemed mischievous and intelligent. I was given to her to discipline. Typing that now to me seems almost odd when I look at it from how M saw things. I have journeyed so far from where he left me. He felt I needed more discipline and structure in my life and that Ms. Anna could offer it to me so that when he saw me again my submission would be more complete. Why this is odd to me now is that he felt there should be no pleasure in it for me, it was discipline, it was punishment. Yet he knew that punishment from his hands whether for pleasure or strictly pain was almost always pleasure. I am a masochist, remember? https://pixiepie.wordpress.com/2007/05/24/from-m-2/
And so went my first session with Ms. Anna. https://pixiepie.wordpress.com/2007/05/20/ms-anna/ It left me yearning for something more than his voice on the other end of the phone. I needed more, Ms. Anna recognized that. M did too. Though I should note here that I kicked and screamed going into this relationship. I fought M about Ms. Anna, I fought him even more when he told me to meet Richard.
Ms. Anna was Richard’s submissive. Their relationship spanned over 10 years in an on again off again sort of way. Both leading busy professional lives they made time for each other when they could. Richard held Ms. Anna in such a high regard I was overcome with the emotion between them when I first sat down with the two of them. He told me once that she truly made him a better person. I don’t think he loved her in a man/woman sort of way. Not like what we share of course it was something very different but no less special. They met a need in each other for a very long time and I felt honored to be a part of what they had.
Knowing that I needed more Ms. Anna asked M for permission to introduce me to Richard. It was not overnight that M said yes. I know that for awhile he was conflicted by the thought of putting another Dominant man in my life. It was many discussions between he and I and many conversations between M and Richard before it happened. I was to meet them for dinner and then I later found out that M had given permission for me to go back with them to witness a scene between Richard and Anna. Looking back now I see that Richard and Ms.Anna ending was inevitable. That night was the last time Ms. Anna submitted to Richard- it was also the first time I did. https://pixiepie.wordpress.com/2007/05/24/anna-and-richard-pt-1/
After that night it was the three of us. Ms. Anna and I never had sex. It wasn’t like that between us at all. I think if anything she felt almost maternal towards me. Yet she did stroke me into a mind blowing orgasm one time with her soft hand. that was nice. But it was never she and I submitting to Richard at the same time. She was in a Dominant role to me. I think that skewed the dynamic between the two of them. Maybe that is one reason it ended for them. Maybe Ms. Anna just ran out of time and energy to please such a demanding man and gave me to him so she could walk away. I wish I knew exactly why she was so willing to give a man she knew so well exactly what he needed and then wonder when he loved me. He told her once as it was ending…that she hadn’t just given him a toy, that she had given him the perfect submissive toy for him. Our needs clicked right away. Submitting to him was natural.
Having Richard in my life altered my relationship with M almost immediately. First of all it took a lot for him to forgive me for allowing Richard to touch me that night. Yet he eventually took responsibility for placing a highly submissive person with an older experienced Dominant. Still lines were crossed that shouldn’t have been crossed but that is neither here nor there. It is what it is and there are no regrets.
It went smoothly for several weeks. M and I decided to step away from each other. This was the hardest decision I had ever made and Richard was there for me through it all. We were seeing each other almost daily and my submission towards him grew and grew until the thoughts of any other Dominant, including Ms. Anna made little sense to me. He was all I needed.
Jealously is a brutal companion. Ms. Anna had asked me at dinner one night if it would bother me if she and Richard spent some time alone without me. My first instinct was…”what for?” I didn’t say that but I thought it, my jealous nature being swallowed though right away I thought…why would he need you, can’t you see the pleasure I am givng him? Yet I hated myself for those thoughts and kept them to myself until now. I wondered why they hadn’t spent time together without me. I had been out of town for a week at one point and they only met for dinner. I felt like what R and I were sharing took all the Dominance out of him. If there was a mistake made, that was one. Neither one of them made a point to feed that relationship. When you starve something it dies.
R and I were busy feeding each other. I was growing in my submission to him daily. It was written all over me. At dinner another evening with Ms. Anna she asked me, “You aren’t falling in love with him, are you?”
“Of course not!” I was adamant and may have even still meant it when I said it. She told me that she felt he loved me already and I laughed it off. She did too and said that I was good for him. It felt like she pushed me towards him in a lot of ways. She told me how to please him, taught me what he expected from a submissive. She helped make me into what he needed.
One night we all had plans to meet for shopping and dinner. She was already there when R and I walked in. As we slid into the seats across from her I noticed a wariness in her eyes. Through dinner her eyes never wandered far from my face. Maybe R shouldn’t have sat beside me, maybe he leaned down into my whispers too many times, or his hand touched me too often…maybe our conversation was to two sided. Ms. Anna saw something in us that night that the two of us had only just begun to realize. She told him that night that she realized when we walked in together that somehow when she wasn’t looking we had become a twosome- a couple. She didn’t want to see him anymore. At first they thought, ok- let’s just keep it separate. Richard tossed the idea around of keeping us both. Two separate relationships…he would Dom her. He would also be Dominant to me. I think it was as close to an ultimatum as I could have given him. I told him that I didn’t want to share him. That I would rather not come between he and Ms. Anna and that if she meant that much to him then he needed to let me go and give her all of his Dominance because she deserved that. I told him that I deserved that too and that I wouldn’t be one of two.
And so it ended. I think they are still friends on some distant level. I think a stray email passes between the two of them every blue moon. She blames me for the downfall of what they had. I take my share of responsibility. I regret that what once meant so much ended. Yet I know that I have given Richard everything he could possibly imagine. I think that if anything I am a better submissive to him because I know he lost something important to him in order to keep me. I know he takes responsibility for it too, that he hates hurting her and he hates that it ended in sadness and anger. I think that she must somehow feel responsible most of all. Not only did she put me in his life but she stepped back at the same time. She told me how to make him love me, how to please him and then grew angry when it worked. That is still a source of confusion for me.
I think that to sum it up it was destined from that very first night he touched me that I would be owned by him. He told me that was the night he started loving me…that my need for nurture touched him somehow. That wrapping me in a down quilt and holding me as I still trembled from the intensity of being flogged pulled me into his heart. I remember how I clung to him that night, how I have clung to him ever since. We feed each other and it has been an amazing journey. Again, no regrets. I am pleased, so pleased with how this has all turned out. My only regret is losing Ms. Anna, we left so much undone.
I hope this puts to rest the questions. I hope I have explained it. I think where Richard and I are now explains it better than I ever could.