bdsm · bondage · caning · D/s

Time To Stop

This weekend, when pixie and I were recovering from what can only be described as several sessions of pure debauchery, she had me read two posts on Mina blog http://longingsend.wordpress.com/  the first by Mina http://longingsend.wordpress.com/2007/10/14/what-just-happened/ and the other  by Amorphous, http://longingsend.wordpress.com/2007/10/16/when-is-ds-abuse/  I encourage you to go and read these posts.  They inspired an interesting conversation between pixie and me which I would like to recount here.

I should begin by telling you that pixie has been looking forward to our weekend with both excitement and nervousness.  I have been particularly dominant toward her recently, and I have given her some ideas about what I intended to do to her in her weekend as slave (“Upcoming Weekend”, posted October 16th).  She was nervous enough that, when she arrived, she asked if she could have a safe word.  I must admit, this was a big surprise to me (she has NEVER had a safe word), but I said “no,” and that was the end of the subject. 

Later, we were talking about the times when I seem to get outside myself, a different attitude comes over me.  Pixie says that sometimes it is for an entire session, sometimes it just appears for a second, but it is a level of intensity that just appears, and is visible to her.  I recognize that this happens.  I recognize it when I am pushing pixie’s limits, when I reach a spot where I am almost removed from myself, watching myself from right nearby, when I am at the point where I am delivering maximum pain to pixie.  It happened two or three times this weekend.  It has happened before, when I made pixie cry (“Cry” August 29), for example.

What I have also learned is that it is at this moment of delivering the most intense pain, that I go into that Dom Space zone I described here (Dom Space… September 9), and become so close to her, so loving and emotionally connected to her, that I want to meld myself into her.  The two seem to be inseparable.  I once spent a few sessions with a submissive who I was not close to, and I found I could give her pain and be almost indifferent about it, but I did not step outside myself, and I did not have that Dom Space feeling or the intense desire to just melt into the sub that I get with pixie.  When this Dom Space occurs, I can deliver the most savage strapping or caning and then lay my head down behind pixie’s head and just nuzzle her and want to become part of her, and then I can go back to savagely beating her.  And all the time, it is just …. oh….. inside my head, and I want to hurt her, actually see myself from outside, delivering the most intense pain, and at the same time, feeling so incredibly close to her, but not close enough, and trying to become part of her..being part of her like I’ve never been with anyone. We were one.

So mina noticed that something was different; Amorphous seemed to be a different person, like he was taking something out on her, like the beating he was giving her was beyond the normal.  She ends up asking, “what just happened?”  He ends up asking, “When is D/s abuse?”  This sounded so much like what I have experienced, and what pixie has seen in me.  I cannot relate these events to anything exterior – I wasn’t in a bad mood, there wasn’t anything I was angry about, there was no hint of wanting to punish pixie for something.  I just reached a point where I was a bit outside myself, and became the perfect Dom, taking what I needed, taking it ALL, taking it beyond pixie’s ability to endure it (but for the restraints she is wearing), making her beg me to stop and not stopping.  And at the same time, needing to become a part of her.

In my view, the answers to mina’s and Amorphous’ questions are: first, what just happened is that the two of them experienced a new level of dominance and submission, and new level of intensity, and it was kind of scary.  And second, that D/s is not abuse, for all the reasons Amorphous talked about.  The only people who think it is are those that are not into the scene and don’t get it, and never will.  (It is laughable that the commentor that Amorphous worried about actually said “I fail to see the pleasure here for anyone…you or him.”  Duh, you don’t get it).  What happened between them should not be viewed negatively, Amorphous should not beat himself up over it, and mina should not attribute it to him taking something out on her.  The Dom comes to the sub with whatever is in him at the time, and he takes what he needs, and the sub gives all she can, and sometimes the intensity level can spike up without any visible reason, and those times should be viewed as opportunities to raise the intensity level on both sides.  As pixie and I know, the more submissive she is, the more Dominant I become, and vice-versa, and as I have described here, the more intense I become in delivering pain, the more intense I become in connecting emotionally to her and nurturing her through it.  It is more intense for both of us,  both physically and emotionally.  And isn’t that what it is all about?   We come out of these experiences so much more emotionally connected, it is hard to describe.  It is all built on good judgment, trust, and love.

Pixie and I also talked about the risk, the risk that the “outside myself” part may take over.  I told her that on the one hand, I didn’t see that happening – I have always been aware of what is happening, and have always known enough to stop – pushed the limits but ultimately stopped.  But I said, on the other hand, one could argue that the “outside myself” part had already taken over – it pushed me to ignore pixie’s pleas, it caused me to pass her physical limits, it caused me to make her cry.  And perhaps it was only later that I got it back under control.  So today when it happened…. well, let me set the stage.  Near the end of a very intense couple of days, I had pixie on the bed face down with her butt in the air (The Position).  She had a thick black rope around her neck which was tied to the bed.  Her arms were bound behind her but she was otherwise unrestrained.  I was caning her, and it was hurting a lot, and I was showing no mercy, and she was struggling to get on top of the pain.  She was not holding The Position.  At one point, I just stepped away and stood nearby as she laid on her side.  Finally, she looked at me waiting for her, and she got back into The Position.  I talked to her, and told her that I knew I was asking a lot but that I needed her to stay in place, even without restraints. After that, she got into a superb subspace zone, and the cane strokes continued.  I switched to the whippy thing that had made her cry, and used it viciously for another 5 minutes.  Through it all she barely moved, until she rolled to her side and said, Richard, I need a minute.  I laid down with her and whispered to her and held her.  After a minute she got back into Position without my asking.  I told her “just a few more, count them for me.”  At three, she collapsed again onto her side, and I told her I was done, it was over, and I held her for probably 30 minutes as she came slowly out of subspace.

When we talked about all of this, I told her that I knew I was in that Dom Space zone, outside myself, capable of extreme brutality.  And I gave myself (Mr. Outside Myself) a limit.  I told her “a few more” and in my head set myself a limit of five.  She gave out at three and I ended it.  We recognized that it was a technique I had used to stop the “outside myself” part from getting carried away.  I knew I wanted to go on without end.  I knew that she was in a super subspace zone herself, and would have taken anything I had given her.  I knew it was time to stop.

No guilt, no regrets, no worries about it being abuse – from either of us.  I hope that mina and Amorphous can get there too and wish them the best.

13 thoughts on “Time To Stop

  1. I’d like to first stop and say thank you for reading our posts and for finding some useful information from them. I can assure you that we have worked things out and are very “at home” with everything that happened. In fact, I am more than willing to offer my body up to Amorphous once more for such a session. The very thought arouses us both. To have him come home from a difficult day filled with negative emotion and for me to come up to him and offer me and my body for his release, that really got us excited thinking about it… of course for us, we would prefer these occurances to remain rare.

    To each their own.

    I do not judge where people/couples go within their own relationships… everything is defined by the people involved.. whether it be master/slave, master/pet, daddy/baby girl, D/s, S/m or whatever you can come up with… it is all defined by the people involved.

    Amorphous differs from Richard, in that he doesn’t want to inflict pain on me, just to inflict pain on me. He is not aroused by inflicting pain on me, that is not where his pleasure comes from. His pleasure comes from my very obvious arousal i get when he does inflict pain on me. My moans, my pants, my cunt getting wet, now that gives him an erection. And I can tell you, that makes me so hot. To feel his erection against me after he has beaten me.

    Does that make Richard better or worse than Amorphous? Absolutely not. And please correct me if I am wrong, but I think I can safely assume that Richard derives his pleasure from inflicting pain on Pixie Pie.

    To each their own.

    Pixie Pie obviously enjoys this and it makes her happy.

    The only thing that bothers me and I do mean the only thing… is when Pixie Pie asked Richard for a safe word and he denied her. That bothers me. Especially since Richard has admitted that he can “go outside” of himself.

    Does Richard want so much control over Pixie Pie that he doesn’t want to give her the power of a safe word? There really should be no harm in giving her one and let me explain why…

    If I know Pixie Pie as much as I know myself, she will never use it. (but it’s nice knowing it’s there). we have a safe word and I NEVER intend on using it. It would take something massive or something very wrong for me to utter that word. I am too proud to use it… i push myself to endure. To use it would seem a failure to myself…

    So it just bothers me, that Richard denied Pixie Pie that one little bit of safety. Do I believe that Richard would ever push Pixie too far that she would have to use it? Pixie Pie has not given me a reason to think he would. having a safe word, does not make things any less powerful or less intense… it’s just nice knowing it’s there. Quite honestly, I wanted us to have a safe word so that Amorphous would feel comfortable to proceed in his growing “Dominance”. I had a feeling he would not go forward unless he knew I had a way out.

    Anyways, that’s just my two cents. *wink*

  2. This hit me like an electric shock:

    “What I have also learned is that it is at this moment of delivering the most intense pain, that I … become so close to her, so loving and emotionally connected to her, that I want to meld myself into her.”

    Coming from a pretty vanilla place, myself, I wonder – Biting one’s lover in passion, the scratches we only notice later – aren’t these a taste of the same thing?

    Thanks for exploring this topic.

  3. What I think was left out of this post and perhaps the only thing is that there are different levels of submission. Not all subs can or should be expected to take this sort of physical stimulation from their Dom regardless of their Doms state of mind. Pixie is in a class of her own. 🙂
    I wondered too about the safe word. It almost seems tauntingly cruel for him to not allow her this one item to help her face something she is feeling anxious about. That was my first thought. Then as Dom myself I feel as if Richard is coming at pixie from a pretty good spot. Would he not recognize when she had enough? Is that not more important and more reliable than a safe word? Another point is when he says he is outside himself. I take that as meaning he is more Dominant and that tells me he is more likely to be tuned in to her body, her limits, her needs etc.
    Nice post Richard and I will enjoy the subsequent comments.

  4. Mina, I forgot to thank you for inspiring the really good conversation pixie and I had on this subject. It is a really interesting topic

    Just to clarify, I do enjoy hurting pixie for the sake of hurting her. I am an admitted sadist. But I also enjoy immensely that she enjoys it. That makes it possible for me to push the intensity level up to where we have it.

    As to the safe word, I just have a different philosophy. If a sub uses a safe word, it means “the scene stops now” and we pack up and sit down and talk. In my experience, which is substantial, it has happened exactly one time with a sub that did not even have a safe word but just said “I can’t do this.” So the absence or presence of a safeword had never been an issue. This is a topic on which people can reasonably disagree.

  5. poor pixie.
    why did you feel like you needed a safe word all of a sudden?
    i am glad you made it safely through what sounds like an intense weekend.

  6. “And all the time, it is just …. oh….. inside my head, and I want to hurt her, actually see myself from outside, delivering the most intense pain, and at the same time, feeling so incredibly close to her, but not close enough, and trying to become part of her. ”

    This was beautiful Richard. I read a lot of these comment and they often begon with how lucky You are. I will not discount that opinion yet pixie has a lucky streak of her own. You possess so many of the qualities that I am looking for in a top. This blog is and really ALWAYS has been proof that there can be love and beauty in BD/SM.
    Thank you both for sharing your stories.

  7. The need for a safe word varies from submissive to submissive. I am a little taken back at the thought of pixie feelingas if she needed such protection from the great and powerful Oz and not having it. I agree with Mina that a Dom should not need to feel so much in control that he is unwilling to bend a small rule that would have only given comfort to a submissive when she was at her most vulnerable. My experiences with submissives like pixie is from time to time they need that extra level of comfort and security. I am disturbed that Richard was not comfortable enough to allow her that. Especially since he said himself that she had never asked for one before. I think there is more than a trace of irony in his words when he says he is so emotionally connected to her and has such a strong desire to nurture her yet he would not allow her this small lifeline. I am disappointed in your judgement- or should I say lack of judgement Richard.

  8. pixie and I were chatting about this on the way to work this morning, marveling at the way the comments seem to be focused on the safeword issue, which was really a throw-away comment and not really the point of the post. But I’m happy to deal with it. I will deal with it in a separate post. Too long for a comment.

  9. You’re surprised? Come on. People love to jump on that one. I knew as soon as I read it that people would speak up. Tsk. 😉

    I understand why you said no Richard and I understand why people would like you to have said yes. It’s not a black and white issue.

    milla

  10. True [milla] I agree this is not a black and white issue. I also do not think that the issue of a safe word was the point of Richard’s post.
    I read a lot more into this post. It is more about pixie feeling the ability to be free with her submission to Richard, it is about her submission to him being not just part of their relationship. It defines their relationship. In this case Ricahrd not being able to push her or take it ALL as he said would hold her back as much as it would leave him unsatisfied. In a relationship such as this there is no place for a safe word. In other relationships there is. To each his own.

  11. Richard, I can relate to what it feels like to be outside yourself during a scene. It is very intoxicating…..you become numb to pleas for mercy and your need to push your slave to her limits and beyond seems insatiable. It is the hallmark of an experienced Master to have the presence of mind to know when it is time to just stop. Kudos.

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