Sometimes people will make comments on my blog about my level of submission to Richard. They wonder and sometimes marvel at my ability to take what Richard gives me. Readers see him as a demanding sadist….as an Owner who has high expectations. He is. I wouldn’t change any of that.
I don’t always bring him joy. I am needy, require a lot of attention, sensitive and even forgetful at times. I wonder sometimes how he can put up with having a sub like me? A few days ago after there were a few incidences where I wasn’t as careful as I should of been. I got the following email. It listed my infractions from not returning a call to leaving my web cam at work….
“……I’m sure every one of these has a good explanation. Cumulatively, they
just wear me out. I have higher expectations than this, and not having my
expectations met is first surprising, then annoying and ultimately tiring.
I’m tired. Going to bed. Tomorrow will be another day. R”
I got to tell you..it hit me like a truck. I felt a sense of dread..a physical response to his words that instantly ruined my day. I annoyed him…I made him tired..did I make him question my submission, my devotion to him? Was he mad at me, was he not going to want me anymore? I hated..hated..hated that I disappointed him. I see my role as the one person in his life that should only bring him pleasure. That is why he has me…what my purpose is in his life. And yet I bring so many insecurities with me. I was sad and distracted all day…even after we spoke and he reassured me all was well. That he was over it…my explanations were enough. It settled around me and I felt cold.
My need to please him is strong, as strong as anything I have ever felt so it is rare that I write about not meeting his expectations. I have explained once before that when Richard demands something of me it is always with the calm assurance that I will obey him. He has never raised his voice to me, never touched me in anger. I have let him down before, I have fought him, I have struggled against him. I have told him no. I have stopped him mid-scene and watched the play of emotions cross his face. Slight annoyance, a touch of disbelief, and lots of patience. Yet he has never forced me to continue…not with force. He is like the brilliant teacher who can quiet an auditorium of 200 middle schoolers by walking up on the stage and raising his hand to get their attention. That is why Richard is able to pull so much out of me. He handles me with extreme care and patience. No less demanding and ten times as meaningful as physical force.
Last night I was beneath him…on my tummy on the bed. He was inside of me and he could tell his deep thrusts were hurting me. I was torn between the pain of his cock deep inside of me stretching and pulling at me and the sharp sting of the strap as he brought it down across my back. Somehow it all sort of collected above me, through me and all around me. The pain does that sometimes. It then settles into bites and sparks of incredible pleasure that fire in all directions centering though deep in my core. It’s as if I know not where it comes from only that it is for his pleasure that I take it.
He speaks to me when he fucks me….makes me say the most horribly erotic things. He said from above me…Your owner is fucking you in the ass….do you like that? Say you like that. Say- My owner is fucking my ass. I obeyed him. I felt my fingers dig into the sheets beneath me as he quickened his thrusts inside my body and put more force behind the already stinging strap. Say it again he said. I said it again. He tells me what a slut I am when he fucks me….he likes to hear me say that. It pleases him to hear that come out of my mouth. I love pleasing him. I was pleasing him last night because he got down really close to my ear and whispered to me.
“My precious toy…your owner loves you.”