“It’s going to take some time for me to teach you what I like. Eventually pleasing me will be instinct, something that you do without thinking. Like smiling or blinking or holding my hand when we walk together.” He said squeezing my hand.
“I want you to know that I expect that from you. Don’t look worried, I am not asking for perfection. I wouldn’t want that. What I do expect is obedience, an understanding that I expect your respect and your deference. Not just when you are feeling submissive, not just when you need me to fuck you but every day, every second we are together.”
I just listened. I knew this part of my relationship with Liam was coming. I knew that sooner or later a man like Liam would decide it was time to attempt to take over what I feel strongly is Richard’s role in my life.
“I know you will feel conflicted, I know you will struggle and you will feel as if you are somehow betraying Richard. You aren’t, the very idea is ridiculous. He wants you to think about your future. A future that he will have no part of….No, now don’t look sad. You know what I mean.”
Of course I knew what he meant. Even Richard said to me…Liam is your future. I can believe that. I can start to see the truth in all that Liam has been saying. He has been wonderful and patient up until now and I think finally he has decided that he just can not share me. This conversation was earlier in the day when he stopped in to make our evening plans. He was going in to his office to get some stuff done and he had to take an overseas call that could last for ten minutes or an hour. We decided that he would just come over when he finished up and if it was too late to go out we would just stay at my house.
Finally around 10 or so he ended up back at my house. He decided to see if my fireplace worked. He is handy like that. Soon he had it cleaned up and after a quick trip to buy treated logs he had a wonderful fire going. He pulled all of my covers off of my bed plus about a half dozen pillows from surrounding chairs and made a small nest for us in front of the fireplace. I remember thinking it was truly lovely. It seemed enchanting in some ways, the fire sort of rested on his head and I saw copper in his dark hair. I like that, seeing things about him that I never noticed before. It is still almost 50 degrees in the evenings here in NC so it was really too warm for a fire but we cracked a window and it was perfect.
I had already showered before he arrived and dressed in PJ bottoms, panties and a tank ….and he had taken off his dress shirt and left on his pants and t-shirt. He fluffed the nest and laid down on his side looking into the fire and poured us both another glass of the wine he brought over with him.
“This is nice, isn’t it?” I agreed but didn’t join him on the floor. I stood near the window a little afraid to get too close to him. We sat a few feet apart talking about nothing really just sipping our wine and watching the fire. All week we had been on the verge of breaking up and now here we were….this huge question between us. I knew what he wanted, he knew he was asking too much and somewhere hundreds and hundreds of miles away Richard was wondering how my evening with Liam was going.
He reached his hand out to me and when I didn’t reach back he got up on his knees and leaned over grabbing my hand and pulled me over to where he was. It was a gentle pull and when he wrapped his arms around my waist I couldn’t help but rest my hands on his shoulders and touch his soft hair. I was uncomfortable in that position. Not that I see Liam as my Dominant but to have him on his knees in front of me felt unnatural somehow. He lifted my tank to right above my belly button and kissed my stomach. His kisses felt good on my skin and I liked the way his hands rested on my hips…his grip slight yet determined that I wasn’t backing away. As his tongue played with my belly button and the dangly ring hanging from it I felt my body if not my heart respond to him. I realized quite awhile ago that I wasn’t giving him the chance he deserved. I told Richard that I have given so much of myself to him that I have little if anything left to offer another man.
My poor Owner, I feel as if he struggles with this so much. He truly wants what is best for me yet our attempt to stop what is between us has been pointless. Finally we agreed that we would carry on until he left or until I knew it was time for me to move forward. The past few days I have been closer to taking that step than I have ever been. But then I think about not having him, the loss that I would feel and I just can not, will not do it. Even as I say that I know I mean it less and less..even tonight tell me it is time. I am a needy little sub and Richard has a full life without worrying about my needs. I needed him tongiht…five minutes with him and couldn’t have it.
This choice, this decision has been on my mind too long.
Now it seemed Liam was to decide for me, for us. Between us hung this HUGE ultimatum. He requested that I give up Richard, totally cutting off all contact forever…or he won’t see me anymore. I met that ultimatum with a painful goodbye. Not only could I not give up Richard but I certainly won’t do it because Liam all of a sudden can’t handle it. Now a little background…Liam is leaving the first of the year. He is going out of the country and will be gone at least six months maybe longer. I have a hard time with him handing down ultimatums as he steps on a plane to fly out of my life for who knows how long. That bothered me. It bothered Richard too…it also bothered Richard that Liam would pull this on me while Richard himself was out of the country when his contact and influence over me is limited.
So we broke up. I ignored his calls, his emails his TM for a few days and tried as hard as I could to move forward and tell myself that another Liam would come along. Knowing inside that just wasn’t going to happen. There is not another Liam for many, many reasons. He knew me when I was little, hung out at my house as I was growing up and understands where I came from. He loves me and he offers me this honest love that never has to be hidden or secret or clandestine. He also understands my submissiveness and appreciates me for it. He knows what I like and has an insatiable urge to provide it. I respond to his touch and sexually we are incredibly compatible. I have never told him that I love him. Inside myself I am not sure if I really do. Sometimes I think I do, I think I must. After all when I am with him I feel happy and settled and he feels ‘right’ to me. He is everything I could ever want.
He is everything that I want but don’t want RIGHT NOW.
I’m just not ready…too much has happened in the past year. Mark and then losing Mark and then Richard and the prospect of not having him, all of that tells me to take several steps back and not do anything. Richard has been the first real sense of stability in my life in a long time and in order to keep that I have to give up the chance for a possible lifetime of stability.
Liam says that it is all about how I see myself. That for some reason men who are unavailable to me long term meet my need for the freedom and commitmentless (is that a word) relationships that I desire. Maybe he is right and then he comes along offering me this amazing life and a love so earnest that I struggle with accepting the realness of it and I do not know what to do.
Really, I do not know what to do.
“Let me hold you” he whispered between kisses his breath a tickle on my tummy.
“Let me show you what it would be like if you stepped over this line you have drawn. Let me love you.”
He looked up at me his eyes reflecting the fire behind me and I felt dizzy from the heat of the room and from the aching desire I saw in his face. I told Richard that Liam had said he wanted to move forward tonight….that he wanted me to see how he could make me feel. He wanted to take over that Dominate role in my life thinking somehow if he could do that I wouldn’t have such a strong need to seek out all that Richard offers me.
Email from Liam….
“Being back together is one thing…in my mind and in my heart we never split. You called my bluff and showed me you can live without me. I needed to see that and as much as it hurts it is good for me to know. I will not lose you. Not to Richard, not to anyone and certainly not because your fear of being left alone. I am leaving, yes. But I can make that less painful. I can back up my trip…maybe I can stay here through March. I can come home at least once a month……”
So here we were…our first night ‘back together’. My head already spinning and I truly have no clue what I want or what I need or what is most important to me going forward. It isn’t as if I can just turn off how I feel for Richard because along came the Mr. Right we both hoped and feared would come. I was honest with Richard. I told him what Liam’s intentions were and I half hoped Richard would deny him that right. In my heart of hearts I wanted Richard to say to me that Liam doesn’t have the right to touch me, to Dominate me, to sneak his way into my heart because I belong to HIM! Only he won’t do that…even though I know parts of him want to he won’t do it. I turned to him for support anyway….maybe even selfishly knowing it would cause him pain but keeping my promise to him to not keep things from him.
Email from Richard…
“I stand by my earlier guidance; don’t make momentous decisions in the middle of the night when I am far away. Letting him Dom you is a trial. Deciding the rest of your life tonight is crazy…”
Between the kisses the fire and the wine I found myself beside Liam, his arm a pillow for my head his other hand gently rubbing up and down my arm. When he looks at me I seem to not think right, I lose my balance and forget almost everything else. The man is truly stunning and his eyes pierce parts of me that are hard to close off.
“You know what I want, don’t you?”
“No Liam…tell me, what do you want?”
“You….all of you, like this always. Half naked, warm and safe and comfortable in my arms.” His hands slipped down and effortlessly slipped my thin, pink PJ bottoms off. I felt quite luxurious lying there in front of the fire. He made me feel so beautiful…the fire light on my skin and the flush on my face from the wine and the fire.
“He thinks he owns you but he has never seen your face when you look up at me like this, that look you get right before I make love to you. The look you have right now. You know why I love that? It tells me I have a chance with you, a real chance to make this a happily ever after for us both.”
His seductive words hung in the air as he leaned in to kiss me….he moved so that his body was pressing mine to the floor.“Liam…please, stop. I can’t do this now. I am not ready..” he kissed me again and again his kisses growing harder and harder.
“Don’t speak…tonight you are going to obey me. Tonight I own you.”
I turned my head away from him looking for an answer in the fire. He turned my head back to him and then took my hands and lifted them both over my head. He held them there as he kissed my lips, my neck, my shoulders. He pushed my top up and pulled it over my head before using it to tie my hands together above my head.
He straddled me and paused looking down at me. He said I looked scared and he asked if Richard scared me. I said yes but it was different with Richard and when he told me to explain that I couldn’t. I only know it is different. My fear with Liam didn’t excite me, didn’t make me feel submissive to him, and didn’t make me want to cling to him the way I cling to Richard. When Richard scares me he is the one who comforts me and he is the one who makes all the scary stuff and the bad parts of the pain go away.
With Liam I felt as if I needed Richard to make it stop, I had not given Liam that blanket consent to ignore my ‘no’, to ignore my ‘stop’. So when I said it to him I expected him to stop. He didn’t. He was in full Dom mode and he looked at me at that moment as his Submissive, not his girlfriend. I realized how vulnerable I had made myself to him and I found I didn’t like being helpless with him. I was scared that he would go too far, that he would hurt me, that he would not know my cues…..my signals.
His mouth kissed and nibbled at my skin with increased passion and his hands were rough on my skin. He bit and pulled at my nipples while allowing one hand to rest around my throat. He squeezed my air passage slightly watching my face for a reaction. He did not get one. Somewhere in my mind I had decided that I needed to submit to him, that I needed to know if it would work, if he could take me this way and if I could find meaning in it. When his hand tightened again I shook my head no opening my mouth to mumble a request that it was too hard. I don’t like my throat squeezed like that. Richard and I do breath play but I think because the bones in my neck are so fine Richard rarely squeezes there he prefers covering my mouth and nose with his hand. I prefer that too.
Liam ignored me and kissed me hard on my mouth. I panicked because I felt dizzy from not breathing and I realized that my body started to feel heavy like I couldn’t struggle anymore. Finally he let go…. his eyes never leaving mine. My body tingled and I felt as if I was spinning and more than a little drunk. It wasn’t the wine of course, simply the endorphins flooding my body because of what just happened.
“Don’t forget that.” He said. “Don’t forget that tonight I control even the air you breathe.” I wasn’t ready to speak yet and if I could I would have told him that no he didn’t…I wasn’t able to give him all of myself like that. A minute later with a clearer mind I found the words…”Liam…listen to me..” my words urgent whispers ..”please, please stop. Let’s talk about this…I can’t, I’m not able…” His kiss silenced me again and he moved on top of me. I felt his hands pull at my panties and finally he just pulled them off as the small seams gave away.
His fingers found my dampness and I struggled against him….he told me to go ahead, that he liked that. I wanted him to untie my hands but he didn’t. His mouth replaced his fingers and I was shocked….he had never kissed me there before. His mouth was hard nipping at my clit and at my tender lips and he slid a finger inside of me. “You are so wet….you want this I can tell. Don’t you, tell me you do.”
His fingers knowingly brought me to the brink of orgasm before expertly slowing. His mouth covered my wetness again and he drank me in…as he did that his fingers worked into me increasing the rhythm until I could no longer ignore the ache… I allowed myself to cum. He continued to kiss me and he asked me did I know how that made him feel to cum against his mouth…to know that I was his and that he could pleasure me like that, that I was his to take this way, anyway he desired.
I felt myself give…this battle of wills was too hard. He had won…I relaxed into the experience and he sensed the change right away. He praised me and kissed my lips calling me his girl…telling me that I was a good girl. And not understanding why that made me cry.
He said he wanted to hurt me and he asked how much I thought I could take. I said that I didn’t know, that it was too hard to say. He asked if I wanted him to hurt me, if I thought I could allow that. I told him that I didn’t know if I was ready for that. I told him that it was a risk, that he should know that I would take it in one of two ways. I could react with anger or I could fall into a submissive place and that I would feel even more connected to him.
He said he wanted to hurt me and that he had wanted to for a long time even before he knew I was fully submissive, before he knew I belonged to Richard he imagined Dominating me.
He got up and messed with the fire for a minute and I could tell he was thinking. Liam said he was going to wait…he could Dom me but he didn’t want to hurt me until I knew I was ready. He said he could take my submission but he could not take my pain. So he poured us another glass of wine and we talked. The fire was snapping wildly behind us and I realized that his words had calmed me. He talked to me about us about Richard…about how I needed to let him go. He said that to Richard I was dispensable…..how I hate that word, he had used it before describing what I am to Richard. He reminded me that regardless of how Richard felt about me or how he said he felt about me I would always, always be the one he could and eventually would walk away from. He reminded me that to Richard I was an extra in his life and that was all I would ever be. I told him I knew all of that, that Richard had never promised me anything different.
“In a way he has though, hasn’t he? The very idea of being ‘owned’ is a promise of sorts, isn’t it? I see it like this, you are an amusement to him…maybe he does love you. I mean, of course he does. How couldn’t he but every time you push me away or back away from our future out of some sense of loyalty to a man that would drop you in a second if he felt you were a risk to his ‘real life’ is ridiculous. That isn’t ownership that is convenience -that is allowing you to give away the best of yourself to a man who gives the best of himself to another. You deserve better than that. He knows it and I know it and the very fact you don’t know it and you don’t see it further convinces me that you need to get away from him. He takes adavantage of your need.”
He made me admit he was right…he made me admit that I knew somehow in my mind in my heart of hearts that what I have with Richard in the grand scheme of his life is minuscule. And really though it hurts because part of me sees this as so real it really isn’t. Liam was right…really about it all. About choices and priorities and how I will always be the ‘throw away’ relationship to Richard. I think what really hit home was the little scenarios Liam throws at me…the ‘what ifs’ he pulls together that makes me think. What if Richard had the choice to make..it wouldn’t be you…etc. Liam reminded me that he would choose me, that he would always choose me. By then I was feeling numb, numb and confused.
By then Liam was finished talking and wanted more from me. I felt a shift in my self with him after that….when he pressed me back down into the soft nest he had made us I responded to him naturally. He didn’t try to Dom me…..he was nurturing and loving and gentle. He whispered that I could be loved without being hurt and he was going to teach me that. He said that he would get to me…that I would learn to feel his love completely and that love comes in all forms. He said that he could spend the rest of his life curled up with me in front of a dying fire. We slept there all night….waking up twice more to make love before the sunshine and the cold room (we left the window open) woke us up and made us seek out my much warmer bedroom.
I feel stronger and weaker all at the same time…I sense change in the air and I don’t know which way it blows. Liam is leaving me…he has to, he really has no choice. When he leaves he is coming back. If he had a choice he would stay.
Richard will eventually leave me….and before he does our relationship will alter in ways that will prove Liam’s words to be true. When Richard leaves me he won’t ever come back. That is his choice.
Knowing all of that changes little. I still feel how I feel with Richard…I still feel like he Owns me…I love him. I know he loves me yet Liam is right. About so many things yet what do I do with all this….what do I sacrifice to do what is right. Liam offers me my own reality…a chance to not share and to have this wonderful, amazing man all to myself. He said he offers me a life with him that never, ever has to end.
What is wrong with me that I can’t leap at that?