a moment

I stood in line today behind a man in Starbucks that reminded me of someone. For the first few minutes I wasn’t sure what it was or who it was that kept trying to enter into my mind. I never saw his face…he never touched me. Yet there was something so familiar about him. Achingly familiar as if I had encounterd him not so very long ago. It felt like a word that I could just not get out of my mouth, like a song that I couldn’t get out of my head. It left me with that bewildered feeling of wonder that something, someone, or some experience left such an impression on me that my own body recognized the similarities and responded. It was an odd feeling. As I stood behind him I tried hard to figure it out.

His voice was soft yet distinctive. His movements confident and graceful. He had a soft demeanor that was charming and seductive. I felt entranced for the few minutes I was behind him caught up in a feeling of nostalgia or perhaps just a surfacing memory.

And then I knew, I just knew.

And it all came rushing back. I haven’t been the same all day.

Liam · Richard

Home Sweet Home

Home again after an amazing weekend.

Liam decided Friday afternoon that I needed to get away. With him. When he announced we were taking a trip I was both excited and irritated. Excited to go away with him irritated that he has really started to turn up the entire seductive dominant thing while Richard is gone. (Another week and my Owner will be back……sigh)

Anyway so we caught an early afternoon flight to Chicago and checked into this amazing hotel that I had never heard of. The Peninsula was lovely and we had a junior suite which was perfect for the two of us. Liam is so accustomed to extravagant surroundings…I still find myself a little startled by some of what he takes for granted. Still, being a confident and versatile girl I played the part quite well. Everyone assumed I was his wife and even called me Mrs. ***** which was strange. We laughed about it and he said…soon. I ignored him and he caught my arm. “Soon…right?”

“Uh…yeah, sure.” What do you say to that. Yikes…

Anyway, so he surprised me with tickets to see Wicked. This show was wonderful. I loved the entire play or what I saw of it. I missed the beginning but Liam was able to catch me up.

I TM Richard 15 minutes before the show started to let him know where I was. I hadn’t heard from him all afternoon which ordinarily would have been odd however this weekend he was giving me space and time to devote to my boyfriend. His reply horrified me!

The entire day that I was running around Chicago he was in the hospital. He was in a pretty bad accident. Don’t worry he is fine today and is resting at his home…my poor, poor Owner. He told me all this via text message and I totally Dommed my Owner….CALL ME NOW I said as I imagined his amused smile. I knew he was in the hospital and was safe but I needed to hear it directly from him that he was alright.

I realized how high I hold him in my mind. When he told me what happened my first thought was he was somehow above getting hurt. Do I idolize him that much…he is after all only human. The very idea of him hurting…him in pain was unbearable to me. I told Liam what happened and he seemed genuinely concerned and even asked if I wanted to skip the play. Richard would have killed me if I had missed the play…after all what could I do from Chicago.

We talked for about 20 minutes before he made me hang up and go join my boyfriend in the theatre. When I joined Liam he wryly commented that he tried to get them to wait for me but they said no…lol.  The rest of the night was incredible. By the time intermission came I figured Richard was resting comfortably and I was able to relax somewhat. After the play we caught a cab to a small club. We danced for a little bit but it was getting late so we took what was left of our bottle of wine and went back to our hotel.

I wore red and Liam couldn’t keep his hands off me all night. He says I look best in red. First he said white and then he said black but now he says red. Men are so fickle.  Richard once told me he preferred women in black but I think he likes me to wear white.

So that was my weekend and now I am back. Back to work tomorrow. Back to school tomorrow too. I am exhausted. I need Richard to come back. This time next week I hope to be snuggled up with him. 


Changes…Confusion….and Hard Truths

 “It’s going to take some time for me to teach you what I like. Eventually pleasing me will be instinct, something that you do without thinking. Like smiling or blinking or holding my hand when we walk together.” He said squeezing my hand.

“I want you to know that I expect that from you. Don’t look worried, I am not asking for perfection. I wouldn’t want that. What I do expect is obedience, an understanding that I expect your respect and your deference. Not just when you are feeling submissive, not just when you need me to fuck you but every day, every second we are together.” 

I just listened. I knew this part of my relationship with Liam was coming. I knew that sooner or later a man like Liam would decide it was time to attempt to take over what I feel strongly is Richard’s role in my life.  

“I know you will feel conflicted, I know you will struggle and you will feel as if you are somehow betraying Richard. You aren’t, the very idea is ridiculous. He wants you to think about your future. A future that he will have no part of….No, now don’t look sad. You know what I mean.” 

Of course I knew what he meant. Even Richard said to me…Liam is your future. I can believe that. I can start to see the truth in all that Liam has been saying. He has been wonderful and patient up until now and I think finally he has decided that he just can not share me. This conversation was earlier in the day when he stopped in to make our evening plans. He was going in to his office to get some stuff done and he had to take an overseas call that could last for ten minutes or an hour. We decided that he would just come over when he finished up and if it was too late to go out we would just stay at my house.

Finally around 10 or so he ended up back at my house. He decided to see if my fireplace worked. He is handy like that. Soon he had it cleaned up and after a quick trip to buy treated logs he had a wonderful fire going. He pulled all of my covers off of my bed plus about a half dozen pillows from surrounding chairs and made a small nest for us in front of the fireplace. I remember thinking it was truly lovely. It seemed enchanting in some ways, the fire sort of rested on his head and I saw copper in his dark hair. I like that, seeing things about him that I never noticed before. It is still almost 50 degrees in the evenings here in NC so it was really too warm for a fire but we cracked a window and it was perfect. 

I had already showered before he arrived and dressed in PJ bottoms, panties and a tank ….and he had taken off his dress shirt and left on his pants and t-shirt. He fluffed the nest and laid down on his side looking into the fire and poured us both another glass of the wine he brought over with him.  

“This is nice, isn’t it?” I agreed but didn’t join him on the floor. I stood near the window a little afraid to get too close to him. We sat a few feet apart talking about nothing really just sipping our wine and watching the fire. All week we had been on the verge of breaking up and now here we were….this huge question between us. I knew what he wanted, he knew he was asking too much and somewhere hundreds and hundreds of miles away Richard was wondering how my evening with Liam was going.

He reached his hand out to me and when I didn’t reach back he got up on his knees and leaned over grabbing my hand and pulled me over to where he was. It was a gentle pull and when he wrapped his arms around my waist I couldn’t help but rest my hands on his shoulders and touch his soft hair.  I was uncomfortable in that position. Not that I see Liam as my Dominant but to have him on his knees in front of me felt unnatural somehow.  He lifted my tank to right above my belly button and kissed my stomach. His kisses felt good on my skin and I liked the way his hands rested on my hips…his grip slight yet determined that I wasn’t backing away. As his tongue played with my belly button and the dangly ring hanging from it I felt my body if not my heart respond to him. I realized quite awhile ago that I wasn’t giving him the chance he deserved. I told Richard that I have given so much of myself to him that I have little if anything left to offer another man.  

My poor Owner, I feel as if he struggles with this so much. He truly wants what is best for me yet our attempt to stop what is between us has been pointless. Finally we agreed that we would carry on until he left or until I knew it was time for me to move forward.  The past few days I have been closer to taking that step than I have ever been. But then I think about not having him, the loss that I would feel and I just can not, will not do it. Even as I say that I know I mean it less and less..even tonight tell me it is time. I am a needy little sub and Richard has a full life without worrying about my needs. I needed him tongiht…five minutes with him and couldn’t have it.

This choice, this decision has been on my mind too long.

 Now it seemed Liam was to decide for me, for us.  Between us hung this HUGE ultimatum. He requested that I give up Richard, totally cutting off all contact forever…or he won’t see me anymore.  I met that ultimatum with a painful goodbye. Not only could I not give up Richard but I certainly won’t do it because Liam all of a sudden can’t handle it. Now a little background…Liam is leaving the first of the year. He is going out of the country and will be gone at least six months maybe longer. I have a hard time with him handing down ultimatums as he steps on a plane to fly out of my life for who knows how long. That bothered me. It bothered Richard too…it also bothered Richard that Liam would pull this on me while Richard himself was out of the country when his contact and influence over me is limited. 

So we broke up. I ignored his calls, his emails his TM for a few days and tried as hard as I could to move forward and tell myself that another Liam would come along. Knowing inside that just wasn’t going to happen. There is not another Liam for many, many reasons. He knew me when I was little, hung out at my house as I was growing up and understands where I came from. He loves me and he offers me this honest love that never has to be hidden or secret or clandestine. He also understands my submissiveness and appreciates me for it. He knows what I like and has an insatiable urge to provide it. I respond to his touch and sexually we are incredibly compatible. I have never told him that I love him. Inside myself I am not sure if I really do. Sometimes I think I do, I think I must. After all when I am with him I feel happy and settled and he feels ‘right’ to me. He is everything I could ever want.  

He is everything that I want but don’t want RIGHT NOW.  

I’m just not ready…too much has happened in the past year. Mark and then losing Mark and then Richard and the prospect of not having him, all of that tells me to take several steps back and not do anything. Richard has been the first real sense of stability in my life in a long time and in order to keep that I have to give up the chance for a possible lifetime of stability.   

Liam says that it is all about how I see myself. That for some reason men who are unavailable to me long term meet my need for the freedom and commitmentless (is that a word) relationships that I desire. Maybe he is right and then he comes along offering me this amazing life and a love so earnest that I struggle with accepting the realness of it and I do not know what to do.

 Really, I do not know what to do. 

“Let me hold you” he whispered between kisses his breath a tickle on my tummy.

“Let me show you what it would be like if you stepped over this line you have drawn. Let me love you.”

 He looked up at me his eyes reflecting the fire behind me and I felt dizzy from the heat of the room and from the aching desire I saw in his face. I told Richard that Liam had said he wanted to move forward tonight….that he wanted me to see how he could make me feel. He wanted to take over that Dominate role in my life thinking somehow if he could do that I wouldn’t have such a strong need to seek out all that Richard offers me. 

Email from Liam…. 

“Being back together is one thing…in my mind and in my heart we never split. You called my bluff and showed me you can live without me. I needed to see that and as much as it hurts it is good for me to know. I will not lose you. Not to Richard, not to anyone and certainly not because your fear of being left alone. I am leaving, yes. But I can make that less painful. I can back up my trip…maybe I can stay here through March. I can come home at least once a month……” 

So here we were…our first night ‘back together’. My head already spinning and I truly have no clue what I want or what I need or what is most important to me going forward. It isn’t as if I can just turn off how I feel for Richard because along came the Mr. Right we both hoped and feared would come. I was honest with Richard. I told him what Liam’s intentions were and I half hoped Richard would deny him that right. In my heart of hearts I wanted Richard to say to me that Liam doesn’t have the right to touch me, to Dominate me, to sneak his way into my heart because I belong to HIM! Only he won’t do that…even though I know parts of him want to he won’t do it. I turned to him for support anyway….maybe even selfishly knowing it would cause him pain but keeping my promise to him to not keep things from him.  

Email from Richard…

I stand by my earlier guidance; don’t make momentous decisions in the middle of the night when I am far away.  Letting him Dom you is a trial. Deciding the rest of your life tonight is crazy…” 

Between the kisses the fire and the wine I found myself beside Liam, his arm a pillow for my head his other hand gently rubbing up and down my arm. When he looks at me I seem to not think right, I lose my balance and forget almost everything else. The man is truly stunning and his eyes pierce parts of me that are hard to close off.  

“You know what I want, don’t you?”

“No Liam…tell me, what do you want?”

“You….all of you, like this always. Half naked, warm and safe and comfortable in my arms.” His hands slipped down and effortlessly slipped my thin, pink PJ bottoms off. I felt quite luxurious lying there in front of the fire. He made me feel so beautiful…the fire light on my skin and the flush on my face from the wine and the fire.  

“He thinks he owns you but he has never seen your face when you look up at me like this, that look you get right before I make love to you. The look you have right now. You know why I love that? It tells me I have a chance with you, a real chance to make this a happily ever after for us both.”

His seductive words hung in the air as he leaned in to kiss me….he moved so that his body was pressing mine to the floor.“Liam…please, stop. I can’t do this now. I am not ready..” he kissed me again and again his kisses growing harder and harder.

“Don’t speak…tonight you are going to obey me. Tonight I own you.”

I turned my head away from him looking for an answer in the fire. He turned my head back to him and then took my hands and lifted them both over my head. He held them there as he kissed my lips, my neck, my shoulders. He pushed my top up and pulled it over my head before using it to tie my hands together above my head.

He straddled me and paused looking down at me. He said I looked scared and he asked if Richard scared me. I said yes but it was different with Richard and when he told me to explain that I couldn’t. I only know it is different. My fear with Liam didn’t excite me, didn’t make me feel submissive to him, and didn’t make me want to cling to him the way I cling to Richard. When Richard scares me he is the one who comforts me and he is the one who makes all the scary stuff and the bad parts of the pain go away.

With Liam I felt as if I needed Richard to make it stop, I had not given Liam that blanket consent to ignore my ‘no’, to ignore my ‘stop’. So when I said it to him I expected him to stop. He didn’t.  He was in full Dom mode and he looked at me at that moment as his Submissive, not his girlfriend. I realized how vulnerable I had made myself to him and I found I didn’t like being helpless with him. I was scared that he would go too far, that he would hurt me, that he would not know my cues… signals.  

His mouth kissed and nibbled at my skin with increased passion and his hands were rough on my skin. He bit and pulled at my nipples while allowing one hand to rest around my throat. He squeezed my air passage slightly watching my face for a reaction. He did not get one. Somewhere in my mind I had decided that I needed to submit to him, that I needed to know if it would work, if he could take me this way and if I could find meaning in it. When his hand tightened again I shook my head no opening my mouth to mumble a request that it was too hard. I don’t like my throat squeezed like that. Richard and I do breath play but I think because the bones in my neck are so fine Richard rarely squeezes there he prefers covering my mouth and nose with his hand. I prefer that too.

  Liam ignored me and kissed me hard on my mouth. I panicked because I felt dizzy from not breathing and I realized that my body started to feel heavy like I couldn’t struggle anymore. Finally he let go…. his eyes never leaving mine. My body tingled and I felt as if I was spinning and more than a little drunk. It wasn’t the wine of course, simply the endorphins flooding my body because of what just happened. 

 “Don’t forget that.” He said. “Don’t forget that tonight I control even the air you breathe.” I wasn’t ready to speak yet and if I could I would have told him that no he didn’t…I wasn’t able to give him all of myself like that. A minute later with a clearer mind I found the words…”Liam…listen to me..” my words urgent whispers ..”please, please stop. Let’s talk about this…I can’t, I’m not able…” His kiss silenced me again and he moved on top of me. I felt his hands pull at my panties and finally he just pulled them off as the small seams gave away.

His fingers found my dampness and I struggled against him….he told me to go ahead, that he liked that. I wanted him to untie my hands but he didn’t. His mouth replaced his fingers and I was shocked….he had never kissed me there before. His mouth was hard nipping at my clit and at my tender lips and he slid a finger inside of me. “You are so wet….you want this I can tell. Don’t you, tell me you do.”

His fingers knowingly brought me to the brink of orgasm before expertly slowing. His mouth covered my wetness again and he drank me in…as he did that his fingers worked into me increasing the rhythm until I could no longer ignore the ache… I allowed myself to cum. He continued to kiss me and he asked me did I know how that made him feel to cum against his mouth…to know that I was his and that he could pleasure me like that, that I was his to take this way, anyway he desired. 

I felt myself give…this battle of wills was too hard. He had won…I relaxed into the experience and he sensed the change right away. He praised me and kissed my lips calling me his girl…telling me that I was a good girl. And not understanding why that made me cry. 

He said he wanted to hurt me and he asked how much I thought I could take. I said that I didn’t know, that it was too hard to say. He asked if I wanted him to hurt me, if I thought I could allow that. I told him that I didn’t know if I was ready for that.  I told him that it was a risk, that he should know that I would take it in one of two ways. I could react with anger or I could fall into a submissive place and that I would feel even more connected to him.

He said he wanted to hurt me and that he had wanted to for a long time even before he knew I was fully submissive, before he knew I belonged to Richard he imagined Dominating me.

He got up and messed with the fire for a minute and I could tell he was thinking.  Liam said he was going to wait…he could Dom me but he didn’t want to hurt me until I knew I was ready. He said he could take my submission but he could not take my pain. So he poured us another glass of wine and we talked. The fire was snapping wildly behind us and I realized that his words had calmed me. He talked to me about us about Richard…about how I needed to let him go. He said that to Richard I was dispensable… I hate that word, he had used it before describing what I am to Richard. He reminded me that regardless of how Richard felt about me or how he said he felt about me I would always, always be the one he could and eventually would walk away from. He reminded me that to Richard I was an extra in his life and that was all I would ever be. I told him I knew all of that, that Richard had never promised me anything different.  

“In a way he has though, hasn’t he? The very idea of being ‘owned’ is a promise of sorts, isn’t it? I see it like this, you are an amusement to him…maybe he does love you. I mean, of course he does. How couldn’t he but every time you push me away or back away from our future out of some sense of loyalty to a man that would drop you in a second if he felt you were a risk to his ‘real life’ is ridiculous. That isn’t ownership that is convenience -that is allowing you to give away the best of yourself to a man who gives the best of himself to another. You deserve better than that. He knows it and I know it and the very fact you don’t know it and you don’t see it further convinces me that you need to get away from him. He takes adavantage of your need.” 

He made me admit he was right…he made me admit that I knew somehow in my mind in my heart of hearts that what I have with Richard in the grand scheme of his life is minuscule. And really though it hurts because part of me sees this as so real it really isn’t. Liam was right…really about it all. About choices and priorities and how I will always be the ‘throw away’ relationship to Richard. I think what really hit home was the little scenarios Liam throws at me…the ‘what ifs’ he pulls together that makes me think. What if Richard had the choice to wouldn’t be you…etc. Liam reminded me that he would choose me, that he would always choose me. By then I was feeling numb, numb and confused. 

By then Liam was finished talking and wanted more from me. I felt a shift in my self with him after that….when he pressed me back down into the soft nest he had made us I responded to him naturally. He didn’t try to Dom me…..he was nurturing and loving and gentle. He whispered that I could be loved without being hurt and he was going to teach me that. He said that he would get to me…that I would learn to feel his love completely and that love comes in all forms. He said that he could spend the rest of his life curled up with me in front of a dying fire. We slept there all night….waking up twice more to make love before the sunshine and the cold room (we left the window open) woke us up and made us seek out my much warmer bedroom.  

I feel stronger and weaker all at the same time…I sense change in the air and I don’t know which way it blows. Liam is leaving me…he has to, he really has no choice. When he leaves he is coming back. If he had a choice he would stay.

Richard will eventually leave me….and before he does our relationship will alter in ways that will prove Liam’s words to be true. When Richard leaves me he won’t ever come back. That is his choice. 

Knowing all of that changes little. I still feel how I feel with Richard…I still feel like he Owns me…I love him. I know he loves me yet Liam is right. About so many things yet what do I do with all this….what do I sacrifice to do what is right. Liam offers me my own reality…a chance to not share and to have this wonderful, amazing man all to myself. He said he offers me a life with him that never, ever has to end. 

What is wrong with me that I can’t leap at that?    

Max and Alex

Maxand Alex… Part 3. Minutes with Max

I decided that is impossible for me to attempt to account for every second of that memorable Friday night. It comes back to me now in the form of hot flashbacks, sporadic memories that make me question if it all really happened. One thing I like about the entire experience is the surrealness of it. Did we actually do that? Did it actually feel that good to experience what before I only fantasized about. I wondered if this fantasy was one best left in my mind….I think the jury is back and that I have no regrets that it happened. My only regrets…other than the lack of pictures…are in my mind and are private for now.

I didn’t realize that intimacy could be shared among three people. I wasn’t expecting to feel the level of closeness with Max and Alex that I did afterwards. I think back to right afterwards…when it seemed everyone was going to catch their breath. I was in the bed and Alex was right beside me. I was curled into her and she smelled amazing. It wasn’t perfume or soap or anything artificial….it was that familiar woman scent. So much like me yet so different. It was the smell that I had just tasted. I loved that time with her. I asked her if she was ok with me being beside her like that…I worried because she told me once that when it was over for her it was going to be OVER and I thought that meant she would want to not be close to me. I felt the need to be close to both of them. She tightened her arms around me and told me stay where I was that I fit perfectly right there. I liked the little girl feeling she brought out in me.

Max brought us all a snack and we nibbled on crackers and cheese and a little more champagne. It was all nakedness and soft touches. I remember being comfortable with being naked..with Alex being naked and a little disappointed that Max had put a robe on. We spent some time just lying there together before Alex said she wanted to take a bath…it was time to get up and get ready. I was nervous at first being alone with Max. I guess I wasn’t sure what he expected from me….it would have been easier being alone with Alex. I am powerfully attracted to Max and that scared me a little…I wasn’t sure with Alex out of the room if that changed or created a boundary or a limit between he and I. When she got up it left the two of us alone on the bed. I was still covered up and he lay on his side beside me in his robe. He asked me if I was alright and I said yes. An overall feeling I felt being beside him was one of just warmth….is body felt incredibly warm that close to my own. His hand went briefly around my neck and he pulled me down a little so that I was lying a little beneath him…he pushed the cover out of the way. He kissed my lips and down my neck before nipping at both of my nipples.  I liked that. I felt close to him and realized that this was alright….it was no different than being with him with Alex in the room. The expectation was there that I was theirs for the evening.

He stopped abruptly and I thought that I did something wrong…but he was only getting off the bed. He paused there for a second and looked at me. He pulled me down off of the bed and wasn’t at all gentle when he did it. I was in subbie heaven and surprised (pleasantly) because I thought the evening….or at least this part of the evening was over. He asked me if I remembered what he said he wanted to do to me. Of course I did.  He told me to tell him and I said…”you said you were going to fuck my mouth.”

He held my hair between both his hands and pressed his cock between my lips. I tried to take all of him…and I don’t think I gagged at all even though he was thrusting hard and deep into my mouth. I liked how his hands were in my hair and how he moved my head. After several minutes he stopped and let go of my head with one of his hands while tightening his grip in my hair with the other. His other hand wrapped around his cock and he stroked himself once…maybe twice before cumming all over my breasts. It was the most submissive I had felt all night…being taken that way by him..having his cum dripping down me.

I knew that these small snippets of memories would surface…I have a way of processing things slowly. Absorbing it all and then dealing with it a little at a time. This part of my evening will never be forgotten..the image of being ripped out of the bed and pulled to my knees by Max will stay with me for a long long time.



Sometimes I am overcome by the sadness that envelopes me when I think that one day Richard won’t be in my life. It rushes to me, covers me and crushes me even when I push it away. Thoughts are like that sometimes.

I look forward in my mind even when I know that I shouldn’t. I imagine a day when we both know it is our last day together. The last time he touches my face or when his hand releases my own for what we know will be the last time. The last time his lips brush my skin or his hands pull me beneath him. It will be there on his calendar, it isn’t there now but we both know one day it will. Maybe it will be written in red ink…maybe someone will even circle it and eventually boldly mark through it not even realizing what it is they’ve wiped away.

I wonder what it is that I will remember the most. I hope it won’t be the pain of losing him. I hope that our last days together won’t be spent focused on the goodbye. I want every second now and going forward with him to be a reflection of what we mean to each other and how truly surprisingly real this has become between us. I think that sometimes Richard is seen as one sided on my blog. I know he seems harsh and sadistic. He is. There is another side to him. A side that I love and crave as much as I love and crave the darker side of my handsome Owner. The soft side of him is who I needed after Max and Alex.I remember the taxi ride back to my hotel with Max…trying to keep up with the soft conversation he was offering me and losing track…losing focus because I knew that back in my room was my connection to Richard. I think at that moment I would have done anything to have him greet me at the door or for him to be waiting for me in the lobby….and not sitting states away from me wondering how it was going. I think Max knew I was anxious to let Richard know that I was alright. A soft kiss, a whispered goodbye… and he was gone..leaving me to my thoughts for barely a second before I found my Owner online. He told me to turn my cam on that he wanted to see me. “You’ve been crying.” he stated, it wasn’t a question or a judgment. It just was.

I simply said…”I want to come home.”

A pause…and then “I am on your airline page…give me your confirmation number.” Two minutes later a ticket home a day early was in my email in-box. He flew me home a day early and picked me up at the airport.

It wasn’t as if this experience is laced with regrets, it isn’t. It made me reflect on many things. I like Max and Alex so much and so throughly enjoyed my time with them that I could never say I regretted it. It changed me and showed me some things about myself. It also made me appreciate Richard…the freedom he allows me to explore my fantasies…to lead a ‘normal’ life  all the while offering unwavering support.

I had so many emotions facing him that day. Looking for displeasure or maybe even disgust in his eyes for what I did. I only saw love and concern and a desire to help me process all of what I was feeling. I couldn’t sleep the night before and he wanted me to rest. He laid me down in the middle of his huge bed and covered me up…he made me a snack…he made me laugh. We talked and talked and I shared with him all that I was ready to share…he patiently waited for the rest of it. I think he is still patiently waiting for the rest of it. He laid down beside me and pulled me as close to him as possible…so close I felt his heart through my back and our breathing merged in a lovers rhythm that one only recognizes after many nights wrapped in each other’s arms. I felt restless…thinking too much I guess. His hands on my my hair..tracing the outline of my mouth… my ear.. my chin soothed me, quieted my heart and my unsettled mind so I could drift off to sleep.

His mouth was close to my ear…so close his warm breath tickled my skin. He started to sing to me… sadistic Dominant, the man who forces cries from my lips and ignores hot tears on my face began to sing to me…his words broke my heart. I will remember them always.

Well the sun is surely sinking down,
but the moon is slowly rising.
So this old world must still be spinning around,
and I still love you.

It won’t be long before another day.
We’re gonna have a good time.
And no one’s gonna take that time away.
You can stay as long as you like.

His words were soft and quiet. The voice one would use with a fretful child. He told me later there was more to the song. The rest of it I wasn’t ready to hear just yet. One day he said I could listen to the words and smile…that I could hear the song and just remember him ..remember us and none of the sadness would be there. I doubt it. I know that because I asked him for the rest of the song and he sent it to me. Foolish girl…why did you play it?

So close your eyes;
you can close your eyes, it’s all right.
I don’t know no love songs,and I can’t sing the blues any more.
But I can sing this song,
and you can sing this song
when I’m gone.

I never realized someone else’s words could burrow so deeply into my heart and break it from the inside. It was one of the moments that paused even the air around me. It was a moment that I will be able to perfectly recall for the rest of my life….and I hope that one day I will do what he says. That I can remember the words and the soft voice that whispered them in my ear and smile.


anal beads · bdsm · D/s · M. · Max and Alex · Richard · S/M · sub space

Max and Alex pt 2

“Did you bring your toys pixie?”

The question came from Alex who was standing up beside the chair where her handsome husband sat. I have them I told her and then continued on to say they were in my bag. Go get them she said patiently. And added on the instruction for me to crawl for good measure. It is a funny feeling you get when you are crawling away from someone. In my mind I am wondering how I must look to them on my hands and knees doing their bidding. I felt more submissive than I expected to feel. They gave me a taste of what it must truly feel like to be owned by a couple. I think long term in a committed relationship something like this would be intense and amazing and more than a little fulfilling. In a small dose I found it left me wanting more and wondering about so many other scenarios.The toy she was referring to was the blue anal beads that were in my care package. I was sure they were too big and they looked scary in their package. She asked if I had lubricant with me and I didn’t. I didn’t remember it being on my list but perhaps I was wrong. “Too bad pixie, I suppose they are going to go inside your little bottom without any lube.” She asked me what Richard would think of that.

Still on my knees Max had me turn around and bend over. Alex sat in front of me and told me to put my head on her lap. I did and realized quickly there was real comfort in doing that. It made me forget that Max was sitting behind me with the perfect view of my bare bottom and that he was spreading my cheeks. Somehow lubricant appeared and he was putting it on me and slipping his finger into my bottom as he did so. I liked the idea of the two of them touching me at the same time. This was when I started slipping into that soft submissive place, not the quiet place I go when fear or pain overwhelms me but the slightly altered place where submission just comes naturally.

Max asked me if he should put the big beads in first or the little ones. I hate the questions that demand an answer although you know your response does not matter. I said.. “…the little ones first please.” He laughed softly and I felt his finger twirl slightly inside me.

“I don’t know, what do you think Alex?” he asked over my head. “The big ones first I think, she can take it. Can’t you pixie, Richard’s cock is bigger than the beads, isn’t it?”

I smiled thinking of my Owner and I answered “Yes.” Alex said “Yes what? You can do better than that.”

“Yes Ma’am.” I said snuggling my head back down into her lap just a little thinking again how this interaction reminded me of Austin and when Alex held my hand while M caned me. When he made me look her in the eye the whole time. Only this time I felt more comfort than sadness from the familiarity of her and my memories of them. Max slid the first bead in and then said he was going to put in a second. A third and then a fourth followed.

I was torn between loving this and hating it. I was trying so hard to just overcome the shyness I felt at being bent over in front of Max that the humiliation part of having first his finger and then the beads in my bottom was somewhat lost on me.

This was when Alex decided that I needed to suck Max’s cock. I mentioned this in part 1 and will elaborate on it here. I had just stopped sucking his cock and he walked away from me and sat back down on the couch. Alex led me back over to him and told me to do it again. I started to do it and found again the mixed feeling came over me. I won’t lie. I liked doing it, I liked how he felt heavy in my mouth and I loved the way his hand was on the back of my neck. Alex told me that I had better not let the beads come out of my bottom while I sucked her husband’s cock. It is hard to explain how it felt to do it with Alex by my side. She asked him how I was doing and he said that I was doing a good job that he could feel the back of my throat. She said that she wanted to show me something so that I would know what Max liked. She started sucking his cock and I realized that she was able to take him entirely into her mouth. I just couldn’t do that. I think my mouth is smaller and maybe that means my throat is smaller too….but I tried as hard as I could and could not take all of him. And that isn’t even the most amazing part.. she was able to take him deep into her throat while licking his balls at the same time. I had never seen anything like it.

She stopped and told me to try. But with Alex being a tough act to follow I knew I could never measure up. I tried though and Max seemed pleased with my efforts.

Alex was behind me again and I felt her hand between my legs and she was pressing the balls deeper into my bottom. Max asked how many were inside me and they talked casually about this for a minute or so as I continued to work on Max’s cock. After all no one had told me to stop. Suddenly Alex ripped the balls from my bottom causing me to cry out and clutch at Max. I wasn’t expecting that, it was a quick hard pain that felt punishing. It made me think of a chat Max and I had….he said that an erotic element for him was knowing Alex would want to hurt me for pleasuring her husband. I wondered if there was an element of that in the swift tug that removed the beads from my bottom. It placed me just a little bit deeper into that subbie head space.

Max said it was time to go to the bedroom and Alex agreed. She stood up and Max told me to undress Alex. Alex beautiful in an unconventional way- and I totally identify as a heterosexual yet I could not wait to see her naked. 😉 She is tall and built very nice. I crawled to her and began to pull her dress up towards her head. She is as tall as I am short so she ended up helping me a little. She was wearing lingerie beneath that made my little girl panties seem so silly. It broadened the valley between our roles. I felt like the little the pet more at that moment than I did even when they made me crawl.

I followed them into the bedroom. And Alex laid down on the bed. “Isn’t she beautiful pixie?” Max said coming up behind me and pressing into me. I looked at her from the foot of the bed and felt her husband’s erection press into my back. “Yes Sir” I said to him and to her…. ” Alex you are so pretty.” it came out almost like a whisper because she  was but at that moment i was lost in the proximity of Max- in the chemistry I know he felt too.

He told me what he expected me to do, He said that Richard requested I receive the full girl treatment. He asked if I knew what that meant and of course I did. I knew that Richard wanted me to taste Alex, that he recognized my desire to taste another woman and pleasure her with my mouth. I told Max that, that I wanted to taste Alex. He told me to take off her panties and I pulled them down off of her hips and for the first time I was faced with the cunt of another woman.

Briefly I looked around for the instruction manual….what did I do? Did I use my tongue first…did she want it hard or fast…soft or slow? I tried to calm down but began to feel a little overstimulated. Max put his hands on my shoulders and guided me down to her. “Just do it the way you like it done to yourself.” he said his voice intoxicating. My first few tastes of her were more like kisses but soon my tongue delved into the soft folds of her cunt giving me my first real taste of Alex. Max took my hand and brought it up to her and said to put my fingers inside of her…that she liked that.

I did as he said and was just overcome with how she responded to me. She made these deep noises and pressed herself against my mouth. She tasted heavenly. I wasn’t as shy as I was starting out and began to really try and please her. I truly think I was. At one point Max leaned down and joined me kissing my mouth hard and deep-and then pressing me back down onto Alex. I licked at her and I felt her clit beneath my tongue and pulled it slightly into my mouth hoping she was as sensitive there as I am…at the same time I had two fingers pressed as deep inside of her as they would go. She was wet and slick with her juice…I loved it.

Max watched us. He played with my cunt and my ass and then climbed on the bed to kiss Alex. I was so wet and loved how his hands felt between my legs. Max was behind me all of a sudden and I felt his cock press against my ass. “Who does this ass belong to now?” He asked me softly his mouth against my shoulder. “You Sir…” I responded knowing that I was under their control totally. It hit me suddenly what he was going to do. He had told me that I should expect him to take possession of every hole on my body. That moment was burned into my brain.

Before the night was over he would do just that. I knew he would and as exciting as that was to me I tried to focus on pleasing Alex. Richard had warned me that she was the type of woman who needed a lot of attention and that he believed she would turn on me in a second if she didn’t feel like she was the center. Still I stopped focusing when I felt him penetrate my ass….he was demanding like I could have never predicted from him.

I am trying so hard to keep a lot of my feelings and reservations even some regret out of these first few posts. This experience impacted me greatly and I am working that all out in my mind. I process things slowly over time so I do not over stimulate myself. I am a strong person but admit to being fragile at times. I am forced to slow this process of reflection but dedicated to writing about this experience. I have said this before but it is my blog so I can say it again….this was quite an evening.


anal beads · bdsm · belt · breast torture · clothes pins · M. · Max and Alex · Richard

Meeting Max and Alex pt 1

There is no easy way to write about what happened with Max and Alex. I thought it would be easy but it is multi -sided and it is still changing in my mind. First I thought that I should write about this experience in three separate posts but since trying unsuccessfully to do so I am going to do just do my best to capture at least the beginning of the evening here. I know how I write, how I think and I also know that it may take me days to process everything that I am feeling and everything that I felt while I was with them, everything that I am feeling now. I imagine this will continue to trickle out over the coming days. But I will do my best to get it started here.


Last night I wrote three blog posts, none of which will ever be published. The first one was called Alex, the second one Max and the third one was simply titled Truth. When I decided to write the third part of this accounting and call it Truth please don’t assume that the first two renditions are not accurate, truthful or candid. They are. I just realized tonight that people walk into things from totally different positions and walk away in quite the same manner. I realized I had multiple perspectives and that I owed each of them their fair share. What I got out of the Alex side of the experience was much different than what I got out of the Max better no worse Just different.


So starting with a little truth….it was a night that I will never forget. For many reasons. I also want to say that my experience changed me somehow. It made me see some things that I had been pushing to the side for a long time, things that for a long time I didn’t want to think about let alone acknowledge. But I may or may not get to all that here in this first part. Be patient with me.


There was more than enough trepidation to go around heading into this adventure. Still, as mature consenting adults we all believed there was something to be gained from pressing forward and experiencing each other. Richard almost called it off more than once. It was against his better judgment that he allowed me to do it at all. I called it off once and the night before it happened Max did the same. So we were in a scary spot, all of us wanting to move ahead and see what it was like and all of us sharing the same fears and insecurities. Of all the nervousness I think the most came from Alex and me. Alex had some experience in the past of dealing with the emotions of sharing her husband even if only for a few hours with another woman. She had initiated that process with him and for him. I can only say good things about that. I see an unselfish love between them that made it feel safe to interact freely with both of them. I found myself wanting to be close to both of them equally not just the night we all met but in the period of time leading up to it.  I am so impressed they are confident with each other to allow fantasies to be safely explored. Still, it was scary and it almost didn’t happen.


The night before the meeting was to take place it was decided that we would meet and just have dinner. Max and Alex had arranged for us to see a play in the city and then after that it was wide open. That seemed to settle everyone’s nerves. Early in the day a text message came in from Max telling me that he was going to meet me at my hotel at 6 and that I should be dressed for dinner. I figured that they decided it wasn’t in their or my best interest to meet for something else. I was disappointed; I think part of Richard was relieved but mostly I felt happy that at least I was going to be able to spend some time in an amazing city with two amazing people.


A few hours later I received a TM from Alex telling me to be at their suite in 45 minutes. As you know I had met Max and Alex before and had an instant connection with both of them. I remember thinking that Alex was simply lovely and that if I were to EVER have a girl experiences she would be…or she would be the ‘type’ that I was attracted to. Richard liked the idea of me experiencing Alex, this was his primary reason for allowing me to do so.  I was not expecting Alex’s text message. I was napping as ordered by Richard to prepare myself for my night but was excited even though he was irritated when the text message came through. So I got up and gathered my things and headed over to their hotel from my own. I don’t remember the cab ride, it all seems a little blurry in my nervousness. Even writing about this now I can remember the excitement I felt as I walked into this new experience.


Once I arrived I text messaged Alex and told her I was in the lobby. They wrote back with the room number and told me to come upstairs. So I did. I rang the bell to their suite and waited for only a second before Alex opened the door and let me in. Her smile erased any of my lingering doubts. She made me feel good right away and the little bit of nervousness between us was the good kind and didn’t feel inhibiting at all. We hugged and she led me through one of the rooms into a darkened room where Max sat quietly in a chair. He is such a good looking guy and has the nicest eyes, together he and Alex make a startling beautiful couple. He greeted me warmly as Alex showed me to a bathroom where I could leave my things. I couldn’t look at him for some reason so I followed Alex into the bathroom. She said it would be my bathroom while I was there to freshen up in and use to change. I left my belongings and walked back into the room where the two of them waited.


 I sat on the couch and we talked just a little before Alex said that she thought it was time for me to remove my shirt. She said that she would love to see my bottom and an OTK spanking was always a good place to start. I had quickly dressed before leaving my own hotel in a mid length jean skirt, high brown boots, a sweater and coat. I pulled my sweater over my head and Alex was delighted with my pink bra. She told me to be a good and crawl into her bedroom for a pillow. I have maybe crawled for Richard once, maybe twice. And Mark only asked this of me once. So this was still a relatively new experience. I don’t like doing it. So I ended up with the pillow back in front of Alex. She laid it down to her side and patted the couch beside her. She told me to climb up and lay across her legs. She lifted my skirt and asked Max to come over and see my panties. I had worn little girl panties for them, it was a request they had made and while I didn’t feel like age play was a factor in our meeting I liked that dynamic of feeling like the ‘little girl’ so I did as they asked. Alex pulled my panties down right away and began to spank me. I was surprised at how hard she spanked. Very surprised. I loved the steady string of dialogue she offered Max throughout my spanking, the way she engaged me with questions. Some not needing answers… some she would pause and await my response before continuing my spanking. At one point she leaned over and unclasped my bra. I liked that. She said that her hand was tired and that she wanted to use the paddle. She showed it to me. It was a thin dark blue paddle that was similar in shape to one of those little paddle ball games paddles that you may have had when you were a child. It stung terribly and she was not holding much back I could tell. I have a massive bruise that I am unable to determine if it came from Alex’s paddle or Max a bit later. When the spanking was over she told me to thank her and so I did. Max reached out and helped me get off Alex’s lap and I knelt on the floor between the two of them. I was a little shaky. She wanted my skirt off and they both helped me with that. So there I was naked kneeling on the floor.


Max opened a bottle of champagne to celebrate my visit to the city. Alex gave me a glass of water first and presented it on the floor beside me and told me I couldn’t use my hands to drink it. “We should have gotten her a little bowl.” Max said to Alex. I sipped at my water using my tongue and then Max held a glass of champagne to my lips. They toasted my trip to the city. Our mood together was fun at times, we laughed together and they both seemed to enjoy teasing me more than a little. A small plate of grapes was placed on the floor in front of me and Max reminded me that I was not to use my hands to eat. He fed me a grape out of his hand. That simple act was amazingly erotic to me. The rest I ate off of the plate. I tried to nibble as delicately as I could on the massive grapes. I felt funny inside. This just wasn’t the type of domination I was used to. I do not mean that in any way as a negative it felt natural with the two of them because it was with them. I smiled inside because I thought of Richard and how he would think this part of my experience was funny. I went with it. It was part of the experience and I found that coming from them I liked the feelings it evoked inside of me. I was incredibly aroused and Max stroking my back and my hair as I nibbled increased my awareness of the eroticism surrounding the moment. It firmly cemented my role as ‘pet’ or ‘toy’ with them.


Alex asked if I was wet, she suggested to Max that he feel me to see if I was. Of course I was. This was the first time Max touched me there…Alex had once before when we met last year. She asked me if I remembered that….if I remembered who had the very first pussy she had ever touched. I said yes I remembered and that it was mine. The entire scene reminded me of the meeting between the four of us that Mark had arranged…I felt terrible that I thought about him as often as what I did when I was with them. I told Richard about it later and he assured me it was only natural to associate them with Mark considering he had introduced me to them and that the experience where I was with them and Mark was seen as such a positive in my mind. It was a feeling that I tried to shake all night.


Alex told Max to come around and see my bottom, she told him it was still very red. They both said several times how pretty it was. I liked how one or both of them had a hand on me at all times. Alex asked me if I brought my clothes pins with me. I hadn’t. In my rush and with all the change of plans I had walked out without them. We had played a game several weeks earlier where she had me write her name on a clothes pin and Max’s name on another. She had me write Richard on a third. She told me in this little game where the three pins were to go on my body. I was told to bring them with me. Lucky for me…she had brought a bag of them. She counted out 10 and had me write Max on them. I was kneeling almost between Max’s legs turning towards Alex. Max told me to put the clothes pins on my right breast. He asked if I thought all ten would fit. Alex said that we would make them fit. He said he wanted them close together and that I shouldn’t forget my nipple. My breast was throbbing, I am not good at putting on clothespins. Richard does it so initially it can be tolerated and then the pain gradually gets worse. I put them on and they were agony from the start. I wrote Alex on the other ten but she wanted to apply them herself. They both said the finished design was beautiful and commented on how it was a shame that Richard had decided they weren’t allowed to take pictures of me. I was in too much pain to care.

Max said that he had promised me something and that he always keeps his promises. Alex told me to lay across Max’s lap but he tapped the chair that he had just vacated and said “No, I want her this way.” So I knelt on the floor and put my elbows on the chair. The clothespins brushed the seat and I moaned., they were really hurting. Max got down close to my ear and whispered for me to arch my back. He showed me his belt and told me it was his favorite implement because he always had it with him. He folded it in half and placed it beneath my nose telling me to smell the leather. I liked the smell and knew what was coming. I wasn’t sure what to expect from Max. I have to describe him to you. He is soft spoken and has a gentle nature about him that one wouldn’t expect from a Dominant. Then again, Richard is the same way and we all know the type of Dom R is. My first experience with Max was in Austin less than a year ago. Max and Alex were given the opportunity to witness M caning me, at the end of the visit the cane was passed to Max and he gave me two strokes. I just remember being happy they were nothing like the 20 something I had just taken for M. 

 I don’t know if it was the gentleness I sensed  from him or my prior experience with him that shocked me the most when what he did to me was anything but gentle. He said I was to have 10 strokes of his belt. I thought at first that would be easy because I have taken so much. They weren’t. Richard speculates that most of my bruising came from the belt. I was amazed that I had a hard time staying on top of the pain. As I was breathing through the blows I remembered Richard’s words to me that I should not expect my pain tolerance with Max and Alex to be what it was with him. I guess I didn’t realize quite as much as I should have anyway how it had less to do with the physical and so much more to do with where my head is. I take anything from Richard because I am that devoted to him and pleasing him. We have spent hours and hours and hours together working through things like this and growing together in this way. So when I am facing similar stimulation from a couple that I am attracted to and have this amazing connection with but do not feel dedicated to their pleasure on anything other than a superficial level the pain is harder to take. To put it another way, I love pleasing Richard and one way I do that is by letting him hurt me. When I was with Alex and Max I was there for myself, I wasn’t doing it so much to please them and I wasn’t doing it to please Richard. That is hard for someone as submissive as I am. Pleasing them to me was a bonus.

When Max was done with the belt Alex suggested I  thank him. She asked me how I thought I could thank him. I wasn’t sure how to answer. She asked me again but this time said how did I want to thank him. I still wasn’t sure what she wanted. How do you say to a woman that you want to suck her husband’s cock? She was asking me to say it… I knew I was going to do it but still I found that hard. The words in some shape eventually came out of my mouth and I was told to crawl over to Max. He told me to take off his pants and then he pulled down his underwear. He put a hand in my hair and another on my shoulder as he pressed himself into my mouth. It didn’t go on for too long. I was struggling a bit because of the clothes pins and found it hard to concentrate fully on sucking Max’s cock. Plus I forgot to mention I had a large set of anal beads inside me….there is so much to tell. I am skipping pieces. I think this is a good start detailing a pretty amazing evening. More to come…..