Sometimes I am overcome by the sadness that envelopes me when I think that one day Richard won’t be in my life. It rushes to me, covers me and crushes me even when I push it away. Thoughts are like that sometimes.

I look forward in my mind even when I know that I shouldn’t. I imagine a day when we both know it is our last day together. The last time he touches my face or when his hand releases my own for what we know will be the last time. The last time his lips brush my skin or his hands pull me beneath him. It will be there on his calendar, it isn’t there now but we both know one day it will. Maybe it will be written in red ink…maybe someone will even circle it and eventually boldly mark through it not even realizing what it is they’ve wiped away.

I wonder what it is that I will remember the most. I hope it won’t be the pain of losing him. I hope that our last days together won’t be spent focused on the goodbye. I want every second now and going forward with him to be a reflection of what we mean to each other and how truly surprisingly real this has become between us. I think that sometimes Richard is seen as one sided on my blog. I know he seems harsh and sadistic. He is. There is another side to him. A side that I love and crave as much as I love and crave the darker side of my handsome Owner. The soft side of him is who I needed after Max and Alex.I remember the taxi ride back to my hotel with Max…trying to keep up with the soft conversation he was offering me and losing track…losing focus because I knew that back in my room was my connection to Richard. I think at that moment I would have done anything to have him greet me at the door or for him to be waiting for me in the lobby….and not sitting states away from me wondering how it was going. I think Max knew I was anxious to let Richard know that I was alright. A soft kiss, a whispered goodbye… and he was gone..leaving me to my thoughts for barely a second before I found my Owner online. He told me to turn my cam on that he wanted to see me. “You’ve been crying.” he stated, it wasn’t a question or a judgment. It just was.

I simply said…”I want to come home.”

A pause…and then “I am on your airline page…give me your confirmation number.” Two minutes later a ticket home a day early was in my email in-box. He flew me home a day early and picked me up at the airport.

It wasn’t as if this experience is laced with regrets, it isn’t. It made me reflect on many things. I like Max and Alex so much and so throughly enjoyed my time with them that I could never say I regretted it. It changed me and showed me some things about myself. It also made me appreciate Richard…the freedom he allows me to explore my fantasies…to lead a ‘normal’ life  all the while offering unwavering support.

I had so many emotions facing him that day. Looking for displeasure or maybe even disgust in his eyes for what I did. I only saw love and concern and a desire to help me process all of what I was feeling. I couldn’t sleep the night before and he wanted me to rest. He laid me down in the middle of his huge bed and covered me up…he made me a snack…he made me laugh. We talked and talked and I shared with him all that I was ready to share…he patiently waited for the rest of it. I think he is still patiently waiting for the rest of it. He laid down beside me and pulled me as close to him as possible…so close I felt his heart through my back and our breathing merged in a lovers rhythm that one only recognizes after many nights wrapped in each other’s arms. I felt restless…thinking too much I guess. His hands on my my hair..tracing the outline of my mouth… my ear.. my chin soothed me, quieted my heart and my unsettled mind so I could drift off to sleep.

His mouth was close to my ear…so close his warm breath tickled my skin. He started to sing to me… sadistic Dominant, the man who forces cries from my lips and ignores hot tears on my face began to sing to me…his words broke my heart. I will remember them always.

Well the sun is surely sinking down,
but the moon is slowly rising.
So this old world must still be spinning around,
and I still love you.

It won’t be long before another day.
We’re gonna have a good time.
And no one’s gonna take that time away.
You can stay as long as you like.

His words were soft and quiet. The voice one would use with a fretful child. He told me later there was more to the song. The rest of it I wasn’t ready to hear just yet. One day he said I could listen to the words and smile…that I could hear the song and just remember him ..remember us and none of the sadness would be there. I doubt it. I know that because I asked him for the rest of the song and he sent it to me. Foolish girl…why did you play it?

So close your eyes;
you can close your eyes, it’s all right.
I don’t know no love songs,and I can’t sing the blues any more.
But I can sing this song,
and you can sing this song
when I’m gone.

I never realized someone else’s words could burrow so deeply into my heart and break it from the inside. It was one of the moments that paused even the air around me. It was a moment that I will be able to perfectly recall for the rest of my life….and I hope that one day I will do what he says. That I can remember the words and the soft voice that whispered them in my ear and smile.


7 thoughts on “Tonight

  1. pixie, this post touched me more than anything you have ever written. Your pain is real and the fact you share it with us is close to being humbling. I hope writing this made you feel better.

  2. Why does your relationship with Richard have to end? It has to be hard to love someone, open up to them and share all that you two have shared together just to watch him go and have to start all over with someone new. I can’t imagine how that must feel. My heart breaks for you.

  3. My heart breaks for you too Pixie. I also asked early on why it must end, I know you later said Richard has a primary relationship. Still, I wish it didn’t have to end. I so relate with how you feel, even though I am not in your exact situation, I think many of can relate.

    Why do we torment ourselves? We play in our minds the saddest, sweetest, most heartbreaking, romantic goodbyes. Torture. It does sometimes creep into your mind and take over. Maybe if we weren’t capable of feeling such pain in our hearts, we couldn’t feel such love either. It hurts.

    Oh, Richard did not seem one sided, it wasn’t surprising that he was so unbearably sweet with you. I think I’d need it to dwindle away slowly, a formal goodbye would be too much to take.

  4. I am not a sentalmentalist at all pixie but the thought of you hurting this way breaks my heart. I have to ask too…does it have to end? I think of your post about M and the pain there. Why would you enter into a relationship knowing it would enbd after the pain of losing your M?
    Hugs from me and A.

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