spanking

Changes…Confusion….and Hard Truths

 “It’s going to take some time for me to teach you what I like. Eventually pleasing me will be instinct, something that you do without thinking. Like smiling or blinking or holding my hand when we walk together.” He said squeezing my hand.

“I want you to know that I expect that from you. Don’t look worried, I am not asking for perfection. I wouldn’t want that. What I do expect is obedience, an understanding that I expect your respect and your deference. Not just when you are feeling submissive, not just when you need me to fuck you but every day, every second we are together.” 

I just listened. I knew this part of my relationship with Liam was coming. I knew that sooner or later a man like Liam would decide it was time to attempt to take over what I feel strongly is Richard’s role in my life.  

“I know you will feel conflicted, I know you will struggle and you will feel as if you are somehow betraying Richard. You aren’t, the very idea is ridiculous. He wants you to think about your future. A future that he will have no part of….No, now don’t look sad. You know what I mean.” 

Of course I knew what he meant. Even Richard said to me…Liam is your future. I can believe that. I can start to see the truth in all that Liam has been saying. He has been wonderful and patient up until now and I think finally he has decided that he just can not share me. This conversation was earlier in the day when he stopped in to make our evening plans. He was going in to his office to get some stuff done and he had to take an overseas call that could last for ten minutes or an hour. We decided that he would just come over when he finished up and if it was too late to go out we would just stay at my house.

Finally around 10 or so he ended up back at my house. He decided to see if my fireplace worked. He is handy like that. Soon he had it cleaned up and after a quick trip to buy treated logs he had a wonderful fire going. He pulled all of my covers off of my bed plus about a half dozen pillows from surrounding chairs and made a small nest for us in front of the fireplace. I remember thinking it was truly lovely. It seemed enchanting in some ways, the fire sort of rested on his head and I saw copper in his dark hair. I like that, seeing things about him that I never noticed before. It is still almost 50 degrees in the evenings here in NC so it was really too warm for a fire but we cracked a window and it was perfect. 

I had already showered before he arrived and dressed in PJ bottoms, panties and a tank ….and he had taken off his dress shirt and left on his pants and t-shirt. He fluffed the nest and laid down on his side looking into the fire and poured us both another glass of the wine he brought over with him.  

“This is nice, isn’t it?” I agreed but didn’t join him on the floor. I stood near the window a little afraid to get too close to him. We sat a few feet apart talking about nothing really just sipping our wine and watching the fire. All week we had been on the verge of breaking up and now here we were….this huge question between us. I knew what he wanted, he knew he was asking too much and somewhere hundreds and hundreds of miles away Richard was wondering how my evening with Liam was going.

He reached his hand out to me and when I didn’t reach back he got up on his knees and leaned over grabbing my hand and pulled me over to where he was. It was a gentle pull and when he wrapped his arms around my waist I couldn’t help but rest my hands on his shoulders and touch his soft hair.  I was uncomfortable in that position. Not that I see Liam as my Dominant but to have him on his knees in front of me felt unnatural somehow.  He lifted my tank to right above my belly button and kissed my stomach. His kisses felt good on my skin and I liked the way his hands rested on my hips…his grip slight yet determined that I wasn’t backing away. As his tongue played with my belly button and the dangly ring hanging from it I felt my body if not my heart respond to him. I realized quite awhile ago that I wasn’t giving him the chance he deserved. I told Richard that I have given so much of myself to him that I have little if anything left to offer another man.  

My poor Owner, I feel as if he struggles with this so much. He truly wants what is best for me yet our attempt to stop what is between us has been pointless. Finally we agreed that we would carry on until he left or until I knew it was time for me to move forward.  The past few days I have been closer to taking that step than I have ever been. But then I think about not having him, the loss that I would feel and I just can not, will not do it. Even as I say that I know I mean it less and less..even tonight tell me it is time. I am a needy little sub and Richard has a full life without worrying about my needs. I needed him tongiht…five minutes with him and couldn’t have it.

This choice, this decision has been on my mind too long.

 Now it seemed Liam was to decide for me, for us.  Between us hung this HUGE ultimatum. He requested that I give up Richard, totally cutting off all contact forever…or he won’t see me anymore.  I met that ultimatum with a painful goodbye. Not only could I not give up Richard but I certainly won’t do it because Liam all of a sudden can’t handle it. Now a little background…Liam is leaving the first of the year. He is going out of the country and will be gone at least six months maybe longer. I have a hard time with him handing down ultimatums as he steps on a plane to fly out of my life for who knows how long. That bothered me. It bothered Richard too…it also bothered Richard that Liam would pull this on me while Richard himself was out of the country when his contact and influence over me is limited. 

So we broke up. I ignored his calls, his emails his TM for a few days and tried as hard as I could to move forward and tell myself that another Liam would come along. Knowing inside that just wasn’t going to happen. There is not another Liam for many, many reasons. He knew me when I was little, hung out at my house as I was growing up and understands where I came from. He loves me and he offers me this honest love that never has to be hidden or secret or clandestine. He also understands my submissiveness and appreciates me for it. He knows what I like and has an insatiable urge to provide it. I respond to his touch and sexually we are incredibly compatible. I have never told him that I love him. Inside myself I am not sure if I really do. Sometimes I think I do, I think I must. After all when I am with him I feel happy and settled and he feels ‘right’ to me. He is everything I could ever want.  

He is everything that I want but don’t want RIGHT NOW.  

I’m just not ready…too much has happened in the past year. Mark and then losing Mark and then Richard and the prospect of not having him, all of that tells me to take several steps back and not do anything. Richard has been the first real sense of stability in my life in a long time and in order to keep that I have to give up the chance for a possible lifetime of stability.   

Liam says that it is all about how I see myself. That for some reason men who are unavailable to me long term meet my need for the freedom and commitmentless (is that a word) relationships that I desire. Maybe he is right and then he comes along offering me this amazing life and a love so earnest that I struggle with accepting the realness of it and I do not know what to do.

 Really, I do not know what to do. 

“Let me hold you” he whispered between kisses his breath a tickle on my tummy.

“Let me show you what it would be like if you stepped over this line you have drawn. Let me love you.”

 He looked up at me his eyes reflecting the fire behind me and I felt dizzy from the heat of the room and from the aching desire I saw in his face. I told Richard that Liam had said he wanted to move forward tonight….that he wanted me to see how he could make me feel. He wanted to take over that Dominate role in my life thinking somehow if he could do that I wouldn’t have such a strong need to seek out all that Richard offers me. 

Email from Liam…. 

“Being back together is one thing…in my mind and in my heart we never split. You called my bluff and showed me you can live without me. I needed to see that and as much as it hurts it is good for me to know. I will not lose you. Not to Richard, not to anyone and certainly not because your fear of being left alone. I am leaving, yes. But I can make that less painful. I can back up my trip…maybe I can stay here through March. I can come home at least once a month……” 

So here we were…our first night ‘back together’. My head already spinning and I truly have no clue what I want or what I need or what is most important to me going forward. It isn’t as if I can just turn off how I feel for Richard because along came the Mr. Right we both hoped and feared would come. I was honest with Richard. I told him what Liam’s intentions were and I half hoped Richard would deny him that right. In my heart of hearts I wanted Richard to say to me that Liam doesn’t have the right to touch me, to Dominate me, to sneak his way into my heart because I belong to HIM! Only he won’t do that…even though I know parts of him want to he won’t do it. I turned to him for support anyway….maybe even selfishly knowing it would cause him pain but keeping my promise to him to not keep things from him.  

Email from Richard…

I stand by my earlier guidance; don’t make momentous decisions in the middle of the night when I am far away.  Letting him Dom you is a trial. Deciding the rest of your life tonight is crazy…” 

Between the kisses the fire and the wine I found myself beside Liam, his arm a pillow for my head his other hand gently rubbing up and down my arm. When he looks at me I seem to not think right, I lose my balance and forget almost everything else. The man is truly stunning and his eyes pierce parts of me that are hard to close off.  

“You know what I want, don’t you?”

“No Liam…tell me, what do you want?”

“You….all of you, like this always. Half naked, warm and safe and comfortable in my arms.” His hands slipped down and effortlessly slipped my thin, pink PJ bottoms off. I felt quite luxurious lying there in front of the fire. He made me feel so beautiful…the fire light on my skin and the flush on my face from the wine and the fire.  

“He thinks he owns you but he has never seen your face when you look up at me like this, that look you get right before I make love to you. The look you have right now. You know why I love that? It tells me I have a chance with you, a real chance to make this a happily ever after for us both.”

His seductive words hung in the air as he leaned in to kiss me….he moved so that his body was pressing mine to the floor.“Liam…please, stop. I can’t do this now. I am not ready..” he kissed me again and again his kisses growing harder and harder.

“Don’t speak…tonight you are going to obey me. Tonight I own you.”

I turned my head away from him looking for an answer in the fire. He turned my head back to him and then took my hands and lifted them both over my head. He held them there as he kissed my lips, my neck, my shoulders. He pushed my top up and pulled it over my head before using it to tie my hands together above my head.

He straddled me and paused looking down at me. He said I looked scared and he asked if Richard scared me. I said yes but it was different with Richard and when he told me to explain that I couldn’t. I only know it is different. My fear with Liam didn’t excite me, didn’t make me feel submissive to him, and didn’t make me want to cling to him the way I cling to Richard. When Richard scares me he is the one who comforts me and he is the one who makes all the scary stuff and the bad parts of the pain go away.

With Liam I felt as if I needed Richard to make it stop, I had not given Liam that blanket consent to ignore my ‘no’, to ignore my ‘stop’. So when I said it to him I expected him to stop. He didn’t.  He was in full Dom mode and he looked at me at that moment as his Submissive, not his girlfriend. I realized how vulnerable I had made myself to him and I found I didn’t like being helpless with him. I was scared that he would go too far, that he would hurt me, that he would not know my cues…..my signals.  

His mouth kissed and nibbled at my skin with increased passion and his hands were rough on my skin. He bit and pulled at my nipples while allowing one hand to rest around my throat. He squeezed my air passage slightly watching my face for a reaction. He did not get one. Somewhere in my mind I had decided that I needed to submit to him, that I needed to know if it would work, if he could take me this way and if I could find meaning in it. When his hand tightened again I shook my head no opening my mouth to mumble a request that it was too hard. I don’t like my throat squeezed like that. Richard and I do breath play but I think because the bones in my neck are so fine Richard rarely squeezes there he prefers covering my mouth and nose with his hand. I prefer that too.

  Liam ignored me and kissed me hard on my mouth. I panicked because I felt dizzy from not breathing and I realized that my body started to feel heavy like I couldn’t struggle anymore. Finally he let go…. his eyes never leaving mine. My body tingled and I felt as if I was spinning and more than a little drunk. It wasn’t the wine of course, simply the endorphins flooding my body because of what just happened. 

 “Don’t forget that.” He said. “Don’t forget that tonight I control even the air you breathe.” I wasn’t ready to speak yet and if I could I would have told him that no he didn’t…I wasn’t able to give him all of myself like that. A minute later with a clearer mind I found the words…”Liam…listen to me..” my words urgent whispers ..”please, please stop. Let’s talk about this…I can’t, I’m not able…” His kiss silenced me again and he moved on top of me. I felt his hands pull at my panties and finally he just pulled them off as the small seams gave away.

His fingers found my dampness and I struggled against him….he told me to go ahead, that he liked that. I wanted him to untie my hands but he didn’t. His mouth replaced his fingers and I was shocked….he had never kissed me there before. His mouth was hard nipping at my clit and at my tender lips and he slid a finger inside of me. “You are so wet….you want this I can tell. Don’t you, tell me you do.”

His fingers knowingly brought me to the brink of orgasm before expertly slowing. His mouth covered my wetness again and he drank me in…as he did that his fingers worked into me increasing the rhythm until I could no longer ignore the ache… I allowed myself to cum. He continued to kiss me and he asked me did I know how that made him feel to cum against his mouth…to know that I was his and that he could pleasure me like that, that I was his to take this way, anyway he desired. 

I felt myself give…this battle of wills was too hard. He had won…I relaxed into the experience and he sensed the change right away. He praised me and kissed my lips calling me his girl…telling me that I was a good girl. And not understanding why that made me cry. 

He said he wanted to hurt me and he asked how much I thought I could take. I said that I didn’t know, that it was too hard to say. He asked if I wanted him to hurt me, if I thought I could allow that. I told him that I didn’t know if I was ready for that.  I told him that it was a risk, that he should know that I would take it in one of two ways. I could react with anger or I could fall into a submissive place and that I would feel even more connected to him.

He said he wanted to hurt me and that he had wanted to for a long time even before he knew I was fully submissive, before he knew I belonged to Richard he imagined Dominating me.

He got up and messed with the fire for a minute and I could tell he was thinking.  Liam said he was going to wait…he could Dom me but he didn’t want to hurt me until I knew I was ready. He said he could take my submission but he could not take my pain. So he poured us another glass of wine and we talked. The fire was snapping wildly behind us and I realized that his words had calmed me. He talked to me about us about Richard…about how I needed to let him go. He said that to Richard I was dispensable…..how I hate that word, he had used it before describing what I am to Richard. He reminded me that regardless of how Richard felt about me or how he said he felt about me I would always, always be the one he could and eventually would walk away from. He reminded me that to Richard I was an extra in his life and that was all I would ever be. I told him I knew all of that, that Richard had never promised me anything different.  

“In a way he has though, hasn’t he? The very idea of being ‘owned’ is a promise of sorts, isn’t it? I see it like this, you are an amusement to him…maybe he does love you. I mean, of course he does. How couldn’t he but every time you push me away or back away from our future out of some sense of loyalty to a man that would drop you in a second if he felt you were a risk to his ‘real life’ is ridiculous. That isn’t ownership that is convenience -that is allowing you to give away the best of yourself to a man who gives the best of himself to another. You deserve better than that. He knows it and I know it and the very fact you don’t know it and you don’t see it further convinces me that you need to get away from him. He takes adavantage of your need.” 

He made me admit he was right…he made me admit that I knew somehow in my mind in my heart of hearts that what I have with Richard in the grand scheme of his life is minuscule. And really though it hurts because part of me sees this as so real it really isn’t. Liam was right…really about it all. About choices and priorities and how I will always be the ‘throw away’ relationship to Richard. I think what really hit home was the little scenarios Liam throws at me…the ‘what ifs’ he pulls together that makes me think. What if Richard had the choice to make..it wouldn’t be you…etc. Liam reminded me that he would choose me, that he would always choose me. By then I was feeling numb, numb and confused. 

By then Liam was finished talking and wanted more from me. I felt a shift in my self with him after that….when he pressed me back down into the soft nest he had made us I responded to him naturally. He didn’t try to Dom me…..he was nurturing and loving and gentle. He whispered that I could be loved without being hurt and he was going to teach me that. He said that he would get to me…that I would learn to feel his love completely and that love comes in all forms. He said that he could spend the rest of his life curled up with me in front of a dying fire. We slept there all night….waking up twice more to make love before the sunshine and the cold room (we left the window open) woke us up and made us seek out my much warmer bedroom.  

I feel stronger and weaker all at the same time…I sense change in the air and I don’t know which way it blows. Liam is leaving me…he has to, he really has no choice. When he leaves he is coming back. If he had a choice he would stay.

Richard will eventually leave me….and before he does our relationship will alter in ways that will prove Liam’s words to be true. When Richard leaves me he won’t ever come back. That is his choice. 

Knowing all of that changes little. I still feel how I feel with Richard…I still feel like he Owns me…I love him. I know he loves me yet Liam is right. About so many things yet what do I do with all this….what do I sacrifice to do what is right. Liam offers me my own reality…a chance to not share and to have this wonderful, amazing man all to myself. He said he offers me a life with him that never, ever has to end. 

What is wrong with me that I can’t leap at that?    

25 thoughts on “Changes…Confusion….and Hard Truths

  1. pixie, thank you for letting us inside your heart and inside your head. my heart is breaking for you as you face the pain that often comes with hard choicee.
    i won’t pretend to know how Richard feels about you. i think you are more to him than what Liam thinks. of course in the end how he feels for you matters very little if you are so certain he will leave you.

  2. That was a brilliantly told poignant story. Don’t think something is wrong with you. Making these decisions is never easy. You are torn, physically and emotionally. Give yourself some credit for having this much clarity. Thing have a way of working out.

  3. i know i can tell you to do what feels right, but even that is blurred right now. without knowing you well, and i have not been following your blog for a long time, i would say do what feeds you.

  4. Doing what’s right emotionally and doing what’s right intellectually is seldom an easy choice to make.
    I TRULY know how you feel. In my own life, I frequently chose emotion, although given the state of things at any given moment, I am not sure if that is a wise decision.
    It’s a very difficult road to navigate, isn’t it?

  5. Awww, Pixie. You write so honestly and touchingly. Your emotions and strength both shine through. I would not be surprised if you cried while writing this. I feel as if you need to be gently held by someone that is neither Richard or Liam for a little while just so that you can talk.

    For you care deeply about them both, and they have met different needs in your life. From your story, Liam is now trying to meet all of the needs that you have- but not completely knowing how to do so.

    And Richard. Well this is the second post recently that indicates that he will leave. But I’ve seen a very strong commitment to you from him. I, too feel that he cares for you far more than is always shown. If his reality is such that he says he is not your future- *perhaps* but it may be the words to protect himself as well. Some change is very hard. We’ve seen that he finds some things hard when letting you go. You meet his needs as well, and mean something to him- despite Liam’s words there.

    My heart aches that you are so caught in between two men that want you so much. *Hugs.*

  6. pixie,
    Two things. Liam should always, always respect your ‘nos’. I understand Richards earlier point where the two of you have moved past your words having more meaning than your actions and cues. Liam doesn’t have that same knowledge of you, does he? This sounds like a rape scene almost- and please don’t take offense at that. You aren’t his submissive, like you said, you never gave him blanket consent. For some reason he felt like he had the right to overpower you. That worries me for you.

    The second thing if you are still reading this is Liam attitude regarding Richard. It is obvious he *Richard* has real feelings for you, his posts, your descriptions of him, his comments even have never made you seem ‘dispensible’ to him. I hope you see Liam as coming to you with his own agenda. Don’t let him make you think you are less than what you are to Richard simply because he wants you for himself. I worry about that too.

    Sorry for all the unnecesary advice but I have followed your blog for the longest time and I have seen growth in your life compliments of Richard and I hate to see it devalued.
    This post is full of confusion, frustration and too much pain for one person.
    Will we hear from Richard on this subject.

    Hugs
    J

  7. I can’t feel sorry for you pixie. You have/had Richard. Was that just not enough? What made you think you could have both Liam and Richard without hurting one or both of them. I read pain in this entry but it is a direct consquence of your own selfishness, and Richards.

  8. so beautiful pixiepie.

    Sometimes taking a step back is the only thing to do. Relationships like the one you have with Richard, well they never last. Maybe Liam is right, maybe you need to give this up regardless of how the both of you feel for each other. Is the cost more than the gain? What are the risks? What are you getting from Richard that Liam can’t provide you?

    I wish I could give you a hug. { } does that count?

  9. “In my heart of hearts I wanted Richard to say to me that Liam doesn’t have the right to touch me, to Dominate me, to sneak his way into my heart because I belong to HIM! Only he won’t do that…even though I know parts of him want to he won’t do it.”

    Excuse me while I play catch up here…but does Richard know this? Why is Liam in your life at all?

  10. I may be going against the popular vote here but Liam sounds like a fairly cool guy. Wine and fireplaces and how describe his words (fans self), plus he makes sense pixie. If you know you and Richard have to end why is this such a hard choice for you. You may end up without either one of them. 😦

    Give Liam a chance! You should do a web poll on this….lol.

  11. Pixie,
    It sounds like you are asking a lot from both of these gentlemen. I am not being critical my dear, just truthful. Who really wants to share the woman they love? I am Richard’s biggest fan but you have to see the truth in Liam’s words. If push came to shove Richard would disappear from your life without a backwards glance. It would hurt him but if there had to be a choice made you have to know it wouldn’t be you. How that must weigh on you as you give him so much. Ownership is intense and real but not binding. Whatever or whoever is keeping your Richard from being by your side everyday has that with him, not you sweet pixie. So maybe let him go, encourage him to let you go as well. He knows inside wht is best for you and there also comes a time to let go of what we love for their greater good. Didn’t you and M deal with a similiar quandry? Didn’t the great and powerful eventually let you go. Not because he wanted to and not because it didn’t hurt him but because he loved you unselfishly.
    I imagine Richard feels the same
    There comes a time in everyones life where sometimes loving someone isn’t the most important thing. It is about making right decisions for your future, to quote Liam, a future that Richard chooses to have no part of.
    I cry for you pixie pie as I am sure many of your readers do.
    However this turns out for you it is going to hurt.

  12. I am not crying for you pixie. I doubt most of your readers are. You are resilient and tough and you will make the right choice. Lean on Richard to help you decide what is best. I couldn’t do this alone. In the meantime enjoy Liam and Richard. There are worse things than having two men in love with you. Worry about your future tomorrow. 🙂

  13. Neither man can tell you the truth about the other.

    I’m in a similar quandary – torn between men each offering very different lives – and I haven’t figured out any good answers. I wish, like you, that the men in my life would make the decision for me, no matter how painful. (Maybe that’s not quite what you were saying – sorry if I’m over identifying!) I find some clues to what I want in the subtle ways I push them towards deciding. You were willing to let Liam go. Maybe a lifetime of safety and comfort is not really your highest good.

    My sympathy – and thank you for continuing to write all this.

  14. my sweet pixie. Maybe you require a new Master, a new Owner.

    I am not dominant because of the strength or the mass of my body.

    I am not, nor would I want to be dominant with all women.. I am your Master only after earning your trust and I embrace your submissiveness. I have looked into your heart and mind, and clearly see your desires and passions. You have thrown away your desires and passions. You have thrown away your fears and inhibitions. You tell me of the needs of your heart and body. You have given me total access to your soul, and I accept the responsibility and honor. You are a woman. You are not weak or inferior because of it. You are a treasure to be cherished. We are not equal. I have the strength of body and mind and the instinctive need to protect, possess, defend, and provide for you. You are a woman and instinctively stronger of will and heart. Your belief in me gives me courage and direction. Your strength disperses my doubt.

    Your needs and desires encourage and give purpose to my efforts. We are not equal. We are halves of a whole. We complement each other and make each other complete. My desire to dominate you is instinctive. It is not to degrade you nor is it degrading to you because you are secure in being totally feminine. We each recognize and accept our worth, and our need for someone to trust and fulfill our needs.

    You are sure, strong, and proud in your womanhood. You do not submit as acceptance of inferiority, but from strength and passion. You expect a man to stand strong and be a man. You desire and flourish in the strength and control of a man. In return you present control of your body, unqualified trust and honesty, and the faithfulness of your heart. You submit because I have earned your trust. Because I have opened my heart and soul to you. Because I have listened to your word with my ears and heart and have learned to anticipate your needs and emotions. And because I have proven worthy in your eyes, you have given me the only true treasure of life; you have given me dominance over you. What you give is not abnormal, but pure, natural, and the rarest gift a woman can give a man. You have given me complete and unshakable assurance of your commitment to be. Your submissiveness is a magnificent gift and sacred responsibility. I accept this from you with humility and joy. I understand the rarity and purity of this gift.

    I recognize it is your body, mind, and soul. I dominate you only because you have allowed me to, and when I see your body kneel before me in my mind and heart, you are raised above all other women and all the treasures of the earth.

    Within the bounds of our relationship…it is my duty to protect you, and that you will know, that under my care; NO harm will come to you as a result of actions taken by Me..or you. That is my responsibility, to protect you..from yourself if necessary. What you give freely cannot in reality be bought.

    Interested?

  15. pixie, sweetheart, nothing is “wrong” with you. this isn’t a decision that can be governed by logic. and in fact, what you are looking at is TWO decisions, and they each need to be considered on their own merits.

    there is Richard, and the inevitability of his leaving, his return to his home and his life, and how you each will handle that both practically and emotionally. it certainly helps if thre is someone there to whom Richard can safely and with confidence hand you over so that he knows you are being loved and taken care of. but please don’t rush through the parting and the grief because of someone else’s demands. this relationship has a life of its own and deserves to be treated with respect and care as it rolls along to a resolution.

    and SEPARATELY, there is Liam. what would you want with Liam if he were the only one in the picture? i think that the special intensity of a D/s relationship makes it even harder to sort things out than in a vanilla relationship, which can be hard enough, but Liam isn’t just asking to date you. is he asking you to marry him? he most certainly IS asking, demanding, that you walk away from someone else.

    from someone you love.

    DO you love Liam? you wrote: “I have never told him that I love him. Inside myself I am not sure if I really do. Sometimes I think I do, I think I must. After all when I am with him I feel happy and settled and he feels ‘right’ to me. He is everything I could ever want. ”

    when i love, i know it with every atom in my body. i love not because “i must”, but because i have no choice. it may not make sense, but it is there and it devours me. i cannot be persuaded to love. i just do.

    when and if you do love Liam, you will know it. it won’t be something he has to talk you into, or something you have to talk YOURSELF into. and Dom or no, he has no right to expect you to give him that part of yourself if it isn’t there.

    listen to your heart, and to that feeling in the pit of your stomach. you’re not deciding between two dresses or two apartments. you are deciding on your life. when you are in love, you will know it, as you did with Richard in spite of your original intentions. and with luck, some day, you will again feel truly owned. not because someone says you are, but because you are flooded with that feeling of perfect trust and joy that allows you to give yourself over to pain with an openness that rises above the fear. you will KNOW you are owned, and with that knowledge will come peace.

    for now, you must trust yourself. and be strong.

  16. Understandably difficult…i feel for you in this decision.

    i, too, hope that you find the peace that you need. i could feel your emotions pouring out so much in this post…and they just hit my heart.

  17. pixie,

    there is so much that has been, and could be, said about this post. there is lots here! however, i just want to send you a little support hug from another girl with “unavailable men” syndrome. i have tied myself to married men more than once, and even though i know why i do it, i find myself continually seeking that same scenario over and over again.

    it’s not easy to break that pattern (at least, it hasn’t been for me). i wish you luck, and i wish you clarity. i’m sure you will make the choices you need to make.

  18. The appeal of having a man that is your own has to be strong for a girl who craves that ownership aspect in a relationship. Have you given any thought that maybe it just isn’t Liam, we know it can’t be Richard- though the two of you appear to have a rare and amazing connection.

    Do any of these decisions need to be made overnight? I don’t think so pixie dear. Take your time and enjoy what each of these bring to your life.

  19. I think having read all these,I totally agree with what Mike says. You dont need to rush to make a decision.
    Also I am surprised that Richard hasnt posted a comment here as he usually does. It would be good to hear his take on all this.

  20. every one of these comments are amazing. such wonderful advice, this is why I keep this blog going. ya’ll are truly wonderful. thank you.

    and Richard will post eventually. he always does. 🙂

  21. hello, all.
    please forgive my absence from commenting. I am traveling, and this always makes time in short supply. And I delayed extensive comment on Max & Alex, letting pixie get her story out first. Now that is starting to feel like old news, with recent events. Most importantly, if you read pixie’s posts in November alone, you may notice a lot of emotional stuff going on. I have been spending my time with pixie, in person, by phone, online, and text messaging – helping her sort through all this. And Dr. Dom, while she may be asking much of Liam and me, we are asking much more of her. My first responsibility has been to her this month, and I have neglected her blog.
    And on top of that, I have injured my hand, & am trying to type one-handed.

    So as I try to catch up, i realize there is so much to say about all this – I don’t know quite where o begin.

    For those of you who have forgotten, I have pushed pixie to date. I have pushed her back to Liam when she begged me to make her stop seeing him. I have been his advocate. I have done my best to help her evaluate him. And he has heard all this from me and from pixie. I don’t believe I have mentioned that Liam and I have exchanged an occassional email, mostly cordial, occassionally less so.

    He has admitted I am good for her, especially since he is about to leave the country for up to a year.

    When Liam has issued ultimatums in the past, I have ended it with pixie, much like Liam did here. It didn’t last. As pixie said, those efforts have seemed pointless. And so we agreed, I would leave Liam to her. I said, “don’t lose him.” And we agreed that I would stop trying to end it utnil she decided it was time. And so she struggles.

    The struggle is not over. His ultimatum, delivered when it was, seems as pointless as my ending it with her. In one of our less cordial exchanges, I told him it was a stupid move. Clearly his increasing role in pixie’s life is nothing but the ultimate end-game; it is what we started out wanting – to find pixie a dominant man who could be all hers, someone closer to her age, someone who could fulfill her needs. So what exactly IS wrong with this picture?

    As pixie says in her post, it is every thing she could want, just not right now. Trying to put aside the obvious, the feelings that have developed between me and pixie, and trying to look at it objectively, I find myself scratching my head at the idea that I should walk out of her life a month before Liam goes half way around the world for the better part of a year. Pixie needs a spanking a day! I can’t give her what she needs and I am away for 2 weeks in the same time zone. His timing couldn’t be worse, and I have no intention of walking away from her until he is back. Nor until she is ready for that and tells me so. I wrote a lot about that not so long ago so I won’t repeat it here.

    About this specific post, I note the following reactions. First, I toldpixie it was ok to let Liam Dom here – that is the natural progression of their relationship. But, I said, that it should not be premised on an ultimatum delivered knowingly while I am away, in an effort to force pixie to make a major life decsion under duress.
    This bothered me greatly and I told pixie that Liam lost a little of my respect for pulling that stunt.
    Secondly, his attitude toward pixie’s relationship with me is completely disrespectful, especially considering that I have made so many efforts on his behalf. I think I deserve alittle respect from Liam, to be blunt about it. I will, when the day comes, walk away from something that has enriched my life beyond words, I think that gives me some “bona fides” as we say, about acting in her best interest, while he is issuing ultimatums full of “I can’t deal with it.” I, I, I…. And where is pixie in all this “I can’t”? Yes, I am not very happy with Liam this week. And lastly, I am incredibly annoyed that he responded to my TM to pixie as though he was her, an event that has left me speechless….. well, not quite.
    how about dishonest, manipulative, bad judgment, disrespectful…etc. So Mr. Liam is not on my good side this week.
    Further, he is acting like pixie’s submission is something to be taken. No, emphatically no. It is something to be given and she hasn’t given it to him yet. When pixie and I met, our first encounter began with her asking to experience the flogger. We talked and she agreed to subsequent meetings. One day, she said “are you now my Dom?” I replied that I wasn’t officially, and she said “I would like you to play that role in my life.” I didn’t take it, she gave it. And so it must be with Liam. When she is ready, she will do it.
    My dear pixie, at this point I would like you to add your email to Liam to these comments, if you wouldn’t mind. I thought it was the perfect expression of your state of mind after the events of this post.

  22. Hi Richard…it is terribly past my bedtime but you know i can’t sleep…

    here is my email to Liam…though it feels odd to post it for all to see. …

    Liam,
    This morning was hard for me and I wish you let me explain better what I was trying to say. I am going to try and explain it here. I will be quick because I know your plan is to be in and out of your office.
    I thought you understood what Richard’s ownership of me meant and that if you cooperated it meant very little limitations on how our realtionship could grow. I need you you to know that it isn’t as much Richard keeping me from you as it is me keeping me from you. I have a difficult time giving someone up that is so important to me for a man who is leaving. This morning I was trying to explain that I still want you in my life, I want to move forward with you but I am not ready for the level of commitment that you expect from me. The other night was beautiful and I can see us having more nights like that…in time. To me, something like that is worth the wait. I feel as if you are rushing all of that emotion on me and I am just not able to handle it.
    You asked what can I offer. I can offer you a commitment to giving you and I a chance when you get back, I can promise not to get involved with anyone else while you are gone. I don’t want anyone else. Between now and the time you leve I will remain your girlfriend if you wish, I want that. I don’t even mind you adding Domination to our sexual relationship- but for right now it ends there. I am not going to give Richard up, I think it is selfish and immature for you to ask that of me. I thrive under Richard’s Ownership and yes you can point out the negatives but that is simply because right now he is gone and I miss him terribly.
    If we are to remain a couple you must respect my relationship of Richard. You must respect that I have given him the right to lead and guide me. That should not take away from you and I…it can add to us. I am a better person, a happier person when I have his direction. Having him fill this role does not mean you never will..it means right now I don’t want you to, I don’t need you to.
    Physically I am not willing to stop serving Richard. That part of our relationship means too much and it is something that I never thought I would feel or be aable to handle. That is hard for you to deal with- you must. Or it will never work.

    I willl agree that I need to spend more time feeding our relationship. I will do that, I will be more available to you. If you show Richard the proper respect for his role in my life and help me meet his expectations..(rules…etc.) then he will not object to you and I spending more time together. Right now he is upset and disappointed that you pulled all of this while he is gone. I think last night he came as close as he has ever came to telling me not to see you anymore. He knows it was you who responded to his IM. He has left this in my hands up until now but this morning after sleeping on it overnight he may decide you are no longer in my best interest and forbid that I see you. Know that I would respect his wishes. Regardless of what you have tried to convince me of over the past week or so he really wants what is best for me.

    I will be ready today if you still want to go. I would like to go away with you without all this ‘stuff’ between us. I think we are growing something special here.

  23. Well, said both of you. I wanted to read here before looking at the newer post. Richard, I understand your annoyance with Liam for adding pressure at high pressure moments. That’s just a move done in bad taste.

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