Why not seize the pleasure at once, how often is happiness destroyed by preparation, foolish preparations. ~Jane Austen
He told me that I was asking too much of him. He says that he has never been in love with a person like he loves me. He says that he wants me, he desires me and that he wants to take care of me forever. He says that I make him Dominant where before it was mostly play, where before he could do what he needed or take what he wanted from a girl and just walk away. He says he can’t walk away from me. He said that I hold back, even when he touches me I hold back. That I keep parts of myself away from him, parts of myself that he treasures already even though they aren’t his. He said that he knows I love him, that he can read me and that although I have never said the words he knows. He says that’s OK..that even if I never tell him he’ll know and that he understands why I can’t give him that.
He says Richard is in the way, that he has hit a wall with me that just can’t be budged. He said that if I gave all of myself to him I would never feel Richard’s loss because he would feel it so completely. He says that he will never leave me, always love me and always, always cherish me. He said that he knows he risks scaring me away but he says he wants to marry me one day. That somewhere inside of him he always knew we would reunite and I would be his. He said that the idea of me being Owned tears him apart when every part of me he wants for himself. He said he wants to love me forever.
But then he said I was asking too much of him. He said that loving me was too hard. Sharing me was even harder and he doesn’t know where we are headed. He said he wants to move forward, he wants to be my future and I his. He wants me to be only his. That I should be willing to walk away from the most satisfying relationships I have ever known simply because Richard has walls of his own. He says I am too valuable to not be loved completely by a man…..to not be the only person who lights up his eyes or gives him pleasure. He said that he wants to be that man for me, be the man that I never have to give back or can’t pick up the phone and call anytime I’d like.
He told me that I need to make a choice. That I need to make it while he is gone. And that he will come back to me when I tell him it is over. He said if I told him today it was over with Richard he would stay in the US..that he would not leave and devote himself to building a future with me. At my own pace…regardless of how slow I need it to be.
I hate the feeling of not knowing where I am headed. Not knowing what is right or wrong and what is mine to take and what is OK to lose. I don’t like wondering what I could do without or what I can trade off. I do not like knowing there is pain headed my way either way and that I stand to lose so much. It is hard to sacrifice a today that is so incredible for a tomorrow that may or may not meet my needs or make me happy.