bdsm · control · D/s · dating · irrational thoughts · Life in general · life lessons · Richard

He said

Why not seize the pleasure at once, how often is happiness destroyed by preparation, foolish preparations.  ~Jane Austen

He told me that I was asking too much of him. He says that he has never been in love with a person like he loves me. He says that he wants me, he desires me and that he wants to take care of me forever. He says that I make him Dominant where before it was mostly play, where before he could do what he needed or take what he wanted from a girl and just walk away. He says he can’t walk away from me. He said that I hold back, even when he touches me I hold back. That I keep parts of myself away from him, parts of myself that he treasures already even though they aren’t his. He said that he knows I love him, that he can read me and that although I have never said the words he knows. He says that’s OK..that even if I never tell him he’ll know and that he understands why I can’t give him that.

 

He says Richard is in the way, that he has hit a  wall with me that just can’t be budged. He said that if I gave all of myself to him I would never feel Richard’s loss because he would feel it so completely. He says that he will never leave me, always love me and always, always cherish me. He said that he knows he risks scaring me away but he says he wants to marry me one day. That somewhere inside of him he always knew we would reunite and I would be his. He said that the idea of me being Owned tears him apart when every part of me he wants for himself.  He said he wants to love me forever.

 

But then he said I was asking too much of him. He said that loving me was too hard. Sharing me was even harder and he doesn’t know where we are headed. He said he wants to move forward, he wants to be my future and I his. He wants me to be only his. That I should be willing to walk away from the most satisfying relationships I have ever known simply because Richard has walls of his own. He says I am too valuable to not be loved completely by a man…..to not be the only person who lights up his eyes or gives him pleasure. He said that he wants to be that man for me, be the man that I never have to give back or can’t pick up the phone and call anytime I’d like.

 

He told me that I need to make a choice. That I need to make it while he is gone.  And that he will come back to me when I tell him it is over. He said if I told him today it was over with Richard he would stay in the US..that he would not leave and devote himself to building a future with me. At my own pace…regardless of how slow I need it to be.

 

I hate the feeling of not knowing where I am headed. Not knowing what is right or wrong and what is mine to take and what is OK to lose. I don’t like wondering what I could do without or what I can trade off. I do not like knowing there is pain headed my way either way and that I stand to lose so much. It is hard to sacrifice a today that is so incredible for a tomorrow that may or may not meet my needs or make me happy.

  

21 thoughts on “He said

  1. I don’t envy you at all Pixie. What a decision to make. And only you can make it. I think especially hard for submissives to make these kind of decision/choices. Torn between both. I really wish Liam would let things with Richard go where they’re going to go on it’s own end. But that’s just my humble opinion.

    aoefe

  2. I think if Liam really cared about you pixie he would think less of himself and more of what you get from Richard and what that means to you. It seems he is only thinking of himself.

  3. He is thinking of where he is. Your relationship is escalating. There is emotion behind his words because he is *TRYING* to find the words that will give him what he needs and the answer you need. His way.

    All I see is very good manipulation from someone that wants something. What a fool.

    Relationships where there is love involved among more than two people are incredibly complicated and you are in the middle. I’m sorry. Would you ever resent Liam for giving up Richard? I think that you would. Would you ever resent Liam for pressuring you… regardless of were the relationship went. Probably because you and Richard are not at a natural end.

    Spend some time on your own and ask yourself your own questions… You will find them because you already do. I think that Richard may not ask them of you in this matter, but I do not know…

  4. i wish you well with the decision that you have to make… a very hard one at that… go with whats in your heart…. however hard that may seem… or it might be quite easy… *hugs* t. x

  5. ” He says that he will never leave me, always love me and always, always cherish me.”

    no one can make such a guarantee. no one can promise “forever.” all one can promise is one’s best, most honest effort.

    to my mind, this kind of pressure is a big red flag. i don’t think it bodes well for a future relationship with him or for the kind of Dom he would be.

    and NO ONE has the right to pressure you to say you love him by stating that he knows you better than you know yourself.

    it’s very very hard to see danger signs when you’re in the middle of something. i know that from sad experience. but i feel like someone watching a scary movie, yelling at the screen “NO! can’t you see? don’t walk through that door!!”

    you deserve more respect than he is offering you.

  6. pixie dear, ask Richard what to do. All evidence points to him doing what is best for you regardless of what he wants. Is he guiding you in this? I feel terrible for you that Liam is putting this pressure on you. To ask you to give up Richard just shows Liam is insecure.

    much love my dear

  7. Poor pixie. It must suck to be so perfect.
    Have you just been using Richard all this time? Where does this leave him or aren’t you thinking of that.

  8. ((((((pixiepie)))))))

    a big hug for you pixie. i’d advise you to follow your heart but we both know that isn’t always for the best.

  9. “It is hard to sacrifice a today that is so incredible for a tomorrow that may or may not meet my needs or make me happy.”

    i think you just answered your dilemma right there. Don’t do it.

  10. What does Richard think of Liam? I may have just missed some posts but if Liam is pressuring you like this- essentially making you miserable why is Richard even allowing you to see him.

    I agree with doubleknot.

  11. Your situation is difficult. A big important factor though is that your relationship with Richard HAS to end right? I don’t think you have the option to continue, even as Richard’s “not-primary” relationship. Would you even want to be secondary for the long term if you could?

    So, it will end eventually regardless of Liam. It really seems like your head is trying to convince you that Liam is a good choice for you, but your heart is telling you no way. I think if you were really into him, thoughts of him would have overtaken your mind by now, and thoughts of Richard would have been slowly fading. The natural progression would have taken you closer to Liam and away from Richard. I don’t think you’ve felt that have you?

    I don’t think it’s Richard that’s standing in the way, I actually think it would have been easier for him as well if you wanted to leave him for Liam, since he seems to want to see you in a secure relationship. I could be way off on that though. If only we could feel intensely insanely passionate about the “right” man for us!!

  12. I think Sweetness is right too pixie. Maybe it isn’t so much Richard that is standing in the way of your happiness with Liam as it is that Liam is just not the right guy for you. It sounds like he doesnt have your best intrest at heart if he continues to pressure you to give up Richard.

    I have known relationships where one or even both memebers were ‘not primary’. Who is to say who is primary in your heart regardless of the ties that bind us to another person. That said- my question to you and to Richard too is how long are you willing to continue this affair? It seems to be unbelievably intense as D/s based realtionships often are. How long before Richard decides pixie is under too much stress to continue trying to maintain two decidedly intense relationships. I know it seems my opinion has come full circel but I wonder how you would feel if you just had Liam without any of the guilt associated with being with him?

    This is hard for you right now pixie and I hope working through it all on your blog helps. Congrats on a year btw, I am an avid reader and fan. You have the most fascinating men in your life. I couldn’t get enough of Mark and Richard just seems more intense than anyone I have ever read about…then super sexy Max- OMG and Liam. No wonder you are confused.
    I don’t know whether to hate you or love you. 🙂
    OK…I still love you. 🙂

  13. I have some very strong opinions here, some I will keep to myself simply because they are based on pure speculation on truths that are unknown to me, to us all.

    pixie, this is a hard time for you. A wonderful time. You are young and beautiful and have options in front of you that not everyone has. Don’t rush into anything. He’ll wait or he doesn’t deserve you.
    What seems HUGE to you today will thin out. Liam is leaving. Let that be a hiatus for the two of you. Use it to reflect inward and see how you feel about him. In the meantime soak up your Richard. Look at the goodness he brings to your life. You expressed that your relationship with him will alter before it ends. I imagine you mean he will be less available to you, correct? So maybe you and Richard will face a natural closing.
    Maybe Richard will let you go. Maybe but I doubt it. I am certain he has the wisdom to not let you go to Liam when Liams tactics are from what I see less than deserving of you.

    What a predicament you are in sweet pixie pie. When does Richard return? Things will be clearer to you then.

  14. Wow. I find some of your friends responses to you really troubling. As if your predicament is just an experiment that they can watch implode.

    Odd also that so many urge you to ignore Liam. I’ll tell you why I think many are doing that Pixie…jealousy. Honestly, Liam has dealt with a situation that is more complicated than most men could EVER wrap their head arounds. He has been in a very hurtful situation and been patient in a way that seems unbelievable at times!

    If Liam isnt the right guy for you as some have suggested, fine. Then be kind to him and tell him that rather than leaving him hanging. It sure seems he has been kind enough to you, and patient enough to deserve that. He has feelings that should count as much as yours.

    I dont envy your descion either, but I think at this point it’s pretty fair for a man that loves you, to ask you to make it. And frankly I think a lot of these commenters would rather you buck against it becuase it makes THEM feel better. Make the descion that is best FOR YOU. And put yourself and one guy out of misery….

    my two cents.

  15. Hello all…
    Thanks for your amazing comments. I truly care about Liam. He makes me feel special and very loved and I know that a future with him would be stable and secure and fulfilling. I don’t like that he wants it now..that’s all. I don’t like feeling as if I have to prove to him I care about him to have him accept me. He has been amazingly patient and most men would have walked away long before now. I know that and appreciate it so much. I think that one day it will all settle into place and I will be ready to move forward with him where he wants us to go. Right now it is asking me to give up too much of myself and what is important to me.

    I don’t think either Richard or Liam is in misery…lol. I know sharing me is harder for Liam because he is more used to the traditional man and woman dynamic. Plus Liam sees me as his future wife, his girlfriend and his lover where to Richard…well, it is more complicated than that. I am Richard’s submissive. So much more in some ways but sadly so much less in others. I recognize that and I know ultimatly what is going to happen. Richard knows it too. I have his word that it will come from me..that he won’t give me up until he has to. I hope it isn’t for a long, long time…but it would be hard to let Liam walk out of my life when sooner or later when Richard flies away from me he will not return.

    So it is hard and in many ways elf has me pegged…I am being selfish. Terribly so. I want every second I can get with Richard…every second. But is it still OK to lose Liam to sooth that ache. I don’t know.

    He returns to me tonight and in less than seven hours I will be with him. I think it will look better when he gets back, it always does.

  16. I disagree with some of goodgirl’s message, although at the same time I really don’t think you should put much weight on what people tell you who are your online buddies (or random commenters!)

    None of us really know the situation: we have only your point of view (and occasionally Richard’s) on this thing, and while that means we do have some understanding of your mind and heart, it also means we don’t understand all the nuances. So my words, and my fellow commentor’s words can really only mean so much — and it’s not a lot!

    My own two cents (and I stress that it’s worth just that) is to agree with the people who think Liam (I’m assuming here that you are indeed talking about him, even though you never named him in your post) is not going about this right. Richard makes you so very happy — how could someone who loved you want to make you give that up?! I do understand that some people are not poly, but if he really loved you (I think) he’d be willing to wait his turn, until you and Richard have the natural conclusion that you both know you must eventually have.

    Think of it this way: if you broke things off with Richard for Liam, wouldn’t you spend the rest of your life wondering what would, what could have been? What explorations and discoveries and joy you may have missed, ending things with Richard too early.

    And think of this: if Liam was willing to be patient: proclaim his love, yes, but then tell you to take your time on this way to the love he knows will be — wouldn’t that help you conclude things naturally with Richard rather faster, knowing what a good man you have waiting for you?

    No, Liam did not go about this right. He showed possesiveness, and jealousy — not good qualities for someone you want to marry! How else would his possesiveness and jealousy effect you over the years to come? And also, making ultimatums is a BAD sign. A sign, in my view, of immaturity and perhaps not learning how to share with the other kids in nursery school. Again, if he hits you with an ultimatum now, at the height of his professed love for you, how will it be when, in the future, you do things that piss him off (as everyone does once in a while), or what if you want to take a certain path in life (new job, continued schooling, etc.) and he disagrees with you — would he then use ultimatums to try and hold you back?

    No — goodgirl speaks of jealousy, but I don’t see the jealousy of the commentors (I mean, how do we loose out? I assume you’ll blog about your love and life no matter whom you choose, so what would the commentors be jealous of?) — but I do see jealousy on Liam’s part, that is sure.

    And I do know for sure that jealousy is a bad trait for a Master. And for a husband.

    Good luck in this hard time to you! And, if you think my words come from a place of ignorance of the situation, then please ignore them and know that no matter what, I remain a faithful reader of your words.

    Again: good luck to you, and may you find the way to the right choice (whichever it is) with as much ease and as little pain as possible!

  17. my dear pixie pie,

    Remember so long ago, maybe 6 months ago (lol) when life was simple: Richard was going to take you under his wing for the summer, during which he was going to help you find a new Dom, a full-time Dom, perhaps even Mr. Right. Of course, we have seen how that plan worked. Instead, we got “way too close” as we used to say. Now we just say “I love you.”

    I allow you to continue seeing Liam because I believe he may be Mr. Right and deserves a chance to prove it. He has fallen a bit in my regard due to the tactics he has employed to try to isolate you from me, the person you most relies on for advice in matters such as this. But he, too, has seen the light I believe, and I continue to support that relationship.

    However, I have no intention of stepping out of your life any time soon. First, there is Liam’s pending departure, and I will not leave you with nothing to replace me. Second, there is, as Dr.Dom notes above, a change coming in my availability, and we need to absorb this change and see how it feels before making any major decisions, and third, you have not yet expressed to me that it is time. We are enjoying each other today too much to give it up one second sooner than necessary. I know that Liam may make that day come sooner than I would like, but until you say the word, I am not going away.

    Your confusion is natural. Liam’s impatience is understandable. Relationships are hard without all this extra stuff going on. But you will see it through, and I will do my best to provide guidance.

    There is much more, but it has been said before, I think. When I read your comments above, I take comfort from your perception, your understanding of yourself. It often comes the next day, after a bad night when confusion and uncertainty reign, but it comes. My pixie is an amazing creature. YOU are an amazing creature, my pet.
    your Owner,
    Richard

  18. *sigh*

    Oh, Pixie, you lucky girl. To have two wonderful men so deeply in love with you. It is a difficult decision to make and one I certainly don’t envy.
    If it were me, I would stay with Richard until the relationship plays out in it’s entirety. Regret and constantly wondering “what if” are no ways to begin a potential lifematch with Liam. It would almost be like starting off on the wrong foot right out of the gate.
    No offence lovey, just my measly two cents 😉

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