Liam is having a harder and harder time dealing with Richard and me.
I guess given all the circumstances in this strange and wonderful adventure I seem to find myself on I am not surprised. I know to some what I am doing seems almost emotionally cruel to Liam, maybe even to Richard but no one is forcing Liam to stick around. I do not enjoy the trouble he is having as I ask him as a condition to our relationship to tolerate me having Richard in my life. I know men who have issues with their girlfriends or wives conversing with ex lovers…I know some who can do it rather well and handle it with the confidence I sometimes wish I could see in Liam and I see others just hold it together enough to throw jealous bitter barbs in the way of the relationship having any true growth. I think Liam is there, he is in the place in his head where it would be better for him to let me go. To break up with me and make it stick. I know he has tried and he can’t do it, maybe I should care enough about him to make him make it stick. Part of me still believes that I can have a real future with Liam, part of me thinks it is a lost cause. I am up and down and all over the place with Liam like I am with so many things in my life. I keep coming back to the one heavy hand of reason and guidance that is Richard. I feel as if as long as he is in my life I can handle almost anything. Silly, maybe but he has already led me through some pretty tough spots that I wouldn’t have handled nearly as well on my own. He has allowed me to begin the process of letting go of some really painful events of my past stemming way back to when I was very small. I am better because of him and resent Liam for recognizing that as fact and still allowing his jealously of another man to ask me to give him up.
Out of respect for Richard I try very hard to not write a lot about our (Liam and I) sex life in my blog. Though Richard has never censored me I know he reads my every word and I like to know he won’t find anything startling or unsettling here. Sometimes that is harder for me because I know that words ramble around in my head for only so long before I must, must release them here, in this outlet that is my blog. Such is what I am writing about right now.
The other evening Liam showed me part of him that made me question every wonderful and thrilling thought I have ever had of him. He showed me a jealous streak, a cruel streak that has nothing to do with dominance and everything to do with little boy spiteful jealous perhaps even abusive behavior.
We were laying together. He had just made love to me and I was feeling quite caught up in the romance of his touch. The side of me that desires to be treated as a lover, as a gently bred desirable girl and less like a submissive or an owned cunt.
From time to time and way too often as I lay in the afterglow of what is Liam… my mind goes to Richard and the complexities in my own heart and psyche as I allow another man to touch me and bring me pleasure when I consider myself Owned. He was stroking my back and whispering sweet words into my ear. He always tells me how beautiful I am, how much he loves me….all of that perhaps thinking that one day I will not only believe it but feel exactly the same way. His hand found the back of my neck and traced along the soft hairs that grown there. I tensed really not wanting him to touch me in that soft spot that makes me toes curl and my breath quicken. It is that little expanse of sheltered skin beneath my hair line that Richard has claimed for his very own. He says it is his spot…that he can share all of me with Liam but that one small spot is his. So when Liam touched it I tensed, I pulled away and looked back over my shoulder at him. Don’t touch me there I said.
What do you mean? Was his response, I can touch you anywhere I damn well pleases he said in that voice that just edges on anger yet I know my response to his words could comfort him enough for him to make some joke about it.
No, you can’t. I told him, Don’t touch me there, in that spot.
He shook his head and said I didn’t even need to tell him why…that he could imagine. He said that I was terribly cruel and it was bad enough to bring Richard into our relationship let alone into his bedroom. Irritated with the entire male species by now I didn’t realize it wasn’t a good time to tell him Richard was not ‘brought’ into our relationship. In truth Richard encouraged and allowed me to bring Liam into my life ‘thinking’ at first and now only hoping that he would be good for me. Liam completely flipped out on me. He said some really biting cruel things to me about Richard, they only hurt more because the logical side had already processed his words long before he said them, recognized them as truth only to finally dismiss them as facts that can’t be changed. I tried to get up but he wouldn’t let go of me. He wrapped his large hand into my hair and pulled me back down hard onto the bed. He knelt up beside me and pressed me deep down into the bed with the weight of his much larger body. With his hand still in my hair he caught that soft skin at the back of my neck in a vicious pinch and pulled me up so I was against his chest. I was furious and struggling against him. More mad than hurt though it hurt quite badly….he pulled my head down and bit the back of my neck. I could feel my skin rebel and stretch as he loosened his bite only to bite me again.
He told me that I wasn’t allowed to have spots. That I wasn’t allowed to have pieces of me that could be kept from him…that he was done with that game. He said that after all he went through knowing I had Richard, that Richard had rights to my body and pieces of my heart that I couldn’t possibly share with Liam that he would not have me telling him no. He would not tolerate that. He said that he had more rights to me than Richard could even ask. That every second Richard ‘kept me’ he was more and more convinced of Richard’s selfishness, that Richard should let me go. I didn’t speak. He loosened his grip in my hair and allowed that hand to drop below to where his teeth had just marked me. With his thumb he rubbed the deep indentions that his teeth had made. He whispered that he was so sorry he hurt me. I don’t think he meant it.
He asked me if I liked it, he asked me if him hurting me had turned me on the way Richard’s hurting me did. I still didn’t speak, scared of the words that threatened to slip out of my mouth. He asked me how it felt to be Richard’s slut because that was all I was to him. He asked me how it felt to be that to Richard all the while pushing him away. He tells me Richard uses me, that once he is gone I will look back and be able to see very clearly how used I let myself become at the hands of Richard. He said he never wanted me to feel shame and he feared that one day I would.
I struggled again to get up and he held me down on the bed and told me not to move, he wasn’t finished talking to me. His voice and eyes were angry and frustrated and I wanted more than anything to ask him to leave me alone, to explain Richard better….to convince him all he said wasn’t true. He isn’t capable of understanding what Richard and I share. I leave that to him to figure out for himself as it isn’t my responsibility to arrange my life and my needs around what my boyfriend can handle. There is nothing tying him to me, he knew what I was and what I had in my life before he fell in love with me.
He pushed my legs apart from behind me and entered me roughly. I didn’t like the feelings of what he was doing. It didn’t feel consensual. I felt like he was taking something from me he isn’t allowed to take in anger and frustration. I am working through this in my head. I can give all to Richard, allowing him to take me anyway and say anything because it just feels right and good. There is no shame in that. When Liam crosses that line it takes all the good feeling I associate with my submission and turns them bad. He left me feeling violated in a way that I have never known and not too sure how to deal with.
I know that Liam crossed the line. He took something I had not given him permission to take. He liked hurting me. I didn’t like what he did or how he did it.