On the way home tonight I cried. Men don’t cry – we all know that – so I
tried really hard not to. Like I am trying right now.
A cloud is settling over me, over us. We can’t seem to escape it, we
can’t seem to ignore it. Tonight when I laid down on pixie’s bed, we
began to talk. Whispering in her already small voice made her seem even
smaller – she said she wasn’t being pessimistic, as I had accused her of.
It was, she said, that she finally saw reality, that before she was seeing
hopes, dreams, wishes…. and that she now saw the time coming when I
could not give her enough time. She said she wished she didn’t love me,
wished that she had the strength to put space between us. I asked her if
I needed to let her go – as if…. I don’t think she realized how close
that was to a rhetorical question – I don’t think I have the strength to
send her away.
Pixie and I have said for months now that we wanted no regrets. Less than
2 months ago she said “I am at the point where it doesn’t matter to me if
Richard and I last another week or another year. I know that whatever pain
I feel at the end is nothing, nothing compared to the joy he has brought
to my life.” You can find this and many similar statements from both of
us in this blog. It is much easier to say these things, to believe them,
when the time to pay seems remote. When it suddenly rears up like an
iceberg, well… it is harder. Wishing she didn’t love me sounds like a
regret, but I know what it means. It means I can see what might be the
end, or at least I can start to see what it is going to feel like, and I
am not ready, I cannot bear it.
My car was driving itself home, past the exit where the apartment is, past
the exit where pixie’s office is, past the exit where we meet for lunch.
It can almost make it home without my help. The only place it needs
guidance is at the fork – the left fork back to my office, the right back
to my house. The car doesn’t know that at 1:30 a.m. I am not going to the
office, just as it does not know that at 1:30 p.m. I am not going home.
So I made it home with tears in my eyes.
Can you believe that pixie and I met on May 23rd? Less than 7 months ago.
For about the last 5 years, when I have gotten reflective, I have thought
to myself that I have had a very good life. I was born lucky, by which I
mean born to parents who cared enough to push me, born with enough brains
and good looks to travel well in life, born with enough ambition to
succeed. I realized that if the plane went down on a business trip I
would die knowing I had lived a full and wonderful life – more than anyone
deserved, certainly more than I could have hoped for. Not that I was
ready to give it up – don’t get me wrong. I have lots to live for. But I
knew that if my time came up, I had gotten my money’s worth. And yet,
when I had those thoughts, I had no idea, no idea at all, that I could be
as happy as I have been for the last 7 months. I had no idea that someone
like pixie even existed, and no hope that if she did, she would find me
and actually fall in love with me. I now know that if the plane HAD gone
down 7 months ago, I would have been cheated. It is clear to me that NOW
if the plane goes down, I will know I have had the best life possible. I
have had something more wonderful than I knew existed, and I have had it
for 7 months, seeming like years. Neither pixie nor I can really believe
what we have found in each other in such a short period. But I am not
ready, cannot imagine yet, life without pixie in it on a day-to-day basis.
Who knew that there was a person out there that would not only love me,
but devote herself completely to my happiness and well-being, lust after
me, give herself to me so completely, love every single thing I have done
to her, asked for more, offer up her submission to my Dominance with such
complete abandon? Who could have known what I had missed?
And yet, there it is. It is like we made a bargain with the devil, give
us this time, give us this pleasure, give us this love… and now he is
back asking for the price. We can hear him coming down the hall. His
footsteps are relentless. And we don’t want to pay.
There is something perverse in my nature, that I told pixie I don’t fully
understand. I have expressed a willingness to let pixie go because I see
that it would be best for her. It is not the first time in my life I have
let someone go without regard to my own wants. I once let someone go
knowing that it was best for everyone but me. Better for my family, her
family, all our friends, everyone. I thought it was better for me, but in
retrospect I KNOW it was best for everyone else; I will never be sure it
was best for me. I cannot be sure about that and have strong supspicions
it was not best for me. And today, I believe that there are a lot of
people that will be better off if I let pixie go. I am not one of them.
Why do I feel compelled to do what seems right, honorable, my duty, when I
know it will devastate ME. I wish I knew….
Pixie does not understand, I am sure, why I think that it might be better
for her. We have talked about the age difference between us. I can tell
you that pixie is of legal age, and that I am not yet in a wheel chair.
When we are out in public, people look at us and wonder. In restaurants,
every table will look us over, trying to figure out what is going on. It
usually becomes obvious to them – somehow it shows (which is why I will
never meet pixie’s parents, lol) – and the women look annoyed and the men
look envious. We have stopped worrying about what other people think.
But pixie can look back over her life and ahead maybe ten years. I can
look back over a span that exceeds that, and can see on to my parents – my
perspective is a complete lifetime, pixie’s half a lifetime. I would find
it hard to saddle pixie with me, thinking that there must be someone out
there who can share a whole lifetime with her, not a fraction of one. We
don’t always see eye to eye on this – but I think my perspective is more
accurate, more informed. And yet, there are moments when I too dream
about what might yet be….
I don’t yet know how we will evolve to the next stage, or when, or what it
will look like. We talked tonight about the alternatives: keep it going
as long as possible, until it slowly dies, or end it fast on a high note,
going out at the top of our game, Barry Sanders style. I don’t know. We
don’t know. I am going away for 5 days, and when I return my life will be
different. It is just before Christmas. It is coming up on the shortest
day of the year, and pixie struggles with SAD. It promises to be a hard
time, getting to January. And can you understand how pissed off I am at
Liam for pulling that stunt when he did? I hate the holidays – and there
is nothing worse than New Year’s in a normal year. During the last few
days when pixie and I have been working through the Liam problem, my
co-workers have accused my of being grumpy, and asking why? Like I could
explain. If that shows, how am I going to explain that I really don’t
give a f&*% about Christmas, and that I’d rather keep the Old Year than
face a New Year. I don’t want my life to be different, i.e. like it was
before I met pixie and we began our adventure. I don’t want to go back to
what I had. I don’t want to give up what I HAVE. I don’t want to pay the
devil the price he will be asking.
I have said to pixie that in reality, the Dom is only in charge between
the time the submissive says “dom me” and the time she changes her mind.
Each of us has had our moments when we can’t deal with it. First Liam,
laying down ultimatums, trying to find a way to control the situation. I
have had my moments where I have said if this disrespect continues, and he
keeps trying to undermine our relationship, I will have to do something.
And now pixie is struggling with how we can go on, as my life returns to
something closer to what it was before we met.
But what is that? I don’t know if I can give her all the time and
attention she needs, but I want to try. My live has been so immeasurably
better with her in it, I cannot face the possibility of the future without
her. I am rambling. I am tired. I am worried about my pet, and her
worries about the future. I am afraid of what our relationship might
become – a ghost of itself. I am worried that I don’t know what it will
become- whether I will drop out of her life completely or try to remain
her adivisor, confidant, friend, when I am no longer her Dom. I don’t
know what the Devil has in store for us, as he demands his price.
I am not sleeping so well these days…..