S/M

The Devil

On the way home tonight I cried. Men don’t cry – we all know that – so I
tried really hard not to. Like I am trying right now.

A cloud is settling over me, over us. We can’t seem to escape it, we
can’t seem to ignore it. Tonight when I laid down on pixie’s bed, we
began to talk. Whispering in her already small voice made her seem even
smaller – she said she wasn’t being pessimistic, as I had accused her of.
It was, she said, that she finally saw reality, that before she was seeing
hopes, dreams, wishes…. and that she now saw the time coming when I
could not give her enough time. She said she wished she didn’t love me,
wished that she had the strength to put space between us. I asked her if
I needed to let her go – as if…. I don’t think she realized how close
that was to a rhetorical question – I don’t think I have the strength to
send her away.

Pixie and I have said for months now that we wanted no regrets. Less than
2 months ago she said “I am at the point where it doesn’t matter to me if
Richard and I last another week or another year. I know that whatever pain
I feel at the end is nothing, nothing compared to the joy he has brought
to my life.” You can find this and many similar statements from both of
us in this blog. It is much easier to say these things, to believe them,
when the time to pay seems remote. When it suddenly rears up like an
iceberg, well… it is harder. Wishing she didn’t love me sounds like a
regret, but I know what it means. It means I can see what might be the
end, or at least I can start to see what it is going to feel like, and I
am not ready, I cannot bear it.

My car was driving itself home, past the exit where the apartment is, past
the exit where pixie’s office is, past the exit where we meet for lunch.
It can almost make it home without my help. The only place it needs
guidance is at the fork – the left fork back to my office, the right back
to my house. The car doesn’t know that at 1:30 a.m. I am not going to the
office, just as it does not know that at 1:30 p.m. I am not going home.
So I made it home with tears in my eyes.

Can you believe that pixie and I met on May 23rd? Less than 7 months ago.
For about the last 5 years, when I have gotten reflective, I have thought
to myself that I have had a very good life. I was born lucky, by which I
mean born to parents who cared enough to push me, born with enough brains
and good looks to travel well in life, born with enough ambition to
succeed. I realized that if the plane went down on a business trip I
would die knowing I had lived a full and wonderful life – more than anyone
deserved, certainly more than I could have hoped for. Not that I was
ready to give it up – don’t get me wrong. I have lots to live for. But I
knew that if my time came up, I had gotten my money’s worth. And yet,
when I had those thoughts, I had no idea, no idea at all, that I could be
as happy as I have been for the last 7 months. I had no idea that someone
like pixie even existed, and no hope that if she did, she would find me
and actually fall in love with me. I now know that if the plane HAD gone
down 7 months ago, I would have been cheated. It is clear to me that NOW
if the plane goes down, I will know I have had the best life possible. I
have had something more wonderful than I knew existed, and I have had it
for 7 months, seeming like years. Neither pixie nor I can really believe
what we have found in each other in such a short period. But I am not
ready, cannot imagine yet, life without pixie in it on a day-to-day basis.

Who knew that there was a person out there that would not only love me,
but devote herself completely to my happiness and well-being, lust after
me, give herself to me so completely, love every single thing I have done
to her, asked for more, offer up her submission to my Dominance with such
complete abandon? Who could have known what I had missed?

And yet, there it is. It is like we made a bargain with the devil, give
us this time, give us this pleasure, give us this love… and now he is
back asking for the price. We can hear him coming down the hall. His
footsteps are relentless. And we don’t want to pay.

There is something perverse in my nature, that I told pixie I don’t fully
understand. I have expressed a willingness to let pixie go because I see
that it would be best for her. It is not the first time in my life I have
let someone go without regard to my own wants. I once let someone go
knowing that it was best for everyone but me. Better for my family, her
family, all our friends, everyone. I thought it was better for me, but in
retrospect I KNOW it was best for everyone else; I will never be sure it
was best for me. I cannot be sure about that and have strong supspicions
it was not best for me. And today, I believe that there are a lot of
people that will be better off if I let pixie go. I am not one of them.
Why do I feel compelled to do what seems right, honorable, my duty, when I
know it will devastate ME. I wish I knew….

Pixie does not understand, I am sure, why I think that it might be better
for her. We have talked about the age difference between us. I can tell
you that pixie is of legal age, and that I am not yet in a wheel chair.
When we are out in public, people look at us and wonder. In restaurants,
every table will look us over, trying to figure out what is going on. It
usually becomes obvious to them – somehow it shows (which is why I will
never meet pixie’s parents, lol) – and the women look annoyed and the men
look envious. We have stopped worrying about what other people think.
But pixie can look back over her life and ahead maybe ten years. I can
look back over a span that exceeds that, and can see on to my parents – my
perspective is a complete lifetime, pixie’s half a lifetime. I would find
it hard to saddle pixie with me, thinking that there must be someone out
there who can share a whole lifetime with her, not a fraction of one. We
don’t always see eye to eye on this – but I think my perspective is more
accurate, more informed. And yet, there are moments when I too dream
about what might yet be….

I don’t yet know how we will evolve to the next stage, or when, or what it
will look like. We talked tonight about the alternatives: keep it going
as long as possible, until it slowly dies, or end it fast on a high note,
going out at the top of our game, Barry Sanders style. I don’t know. We
don’t know. I am going away for 5 days, and when I return my life will be
different. It is just before Christmas. It is coming up on the shortest
day of the year, and pixie struggles with SAD. It promises to be a hard
time, getting to January. And can you understand how pissed off I am at
Liam for pulling that stunt when he did? I hate the holidays – and there
is nothing worse than New Year’s in a normal year. During the last few
days when pixie and I have been working through the Liam problem, my
co-workers have accused my of being grumpy, and asking why? Like I could
explain. If that shows, how am I going to explain that I really don’t
give a f&*% about Christmas, and that I’d rather keep the Old Year than
face a New Year. I don’t want my life to be different, i.e. like it was
before I met pixie and we began our adventure. I don’t want to go back to
what I had. I don’t want to give up what I HAVE. I don’t want to pay the
devil the price he will be asking.

I have said to pixie that in reality, the Dom is only in charge between
the time the submissive says “dom me” and the time she changes her mind.
Each of us has had our moments when we can’t deal with it. First Liam,
laying down ultimatums, trying to find a way to control the situation. I
have had my moments where I have said if this disrespect continues, and he
keeps trying to undermine our relationship, I will have to do something.
And now pixie is struggling with how we can go on, as my life returns to
something closer to what it was before we met.

But what is that? I don’t know if I can give her all the time and
attention she needs, but I want to try. My live has been so immeasurably
better with her in it, I cannot face the possibility of the future without
her. I am rambling. I am tired. I am worried about my pet, and her
worries about the future. I am afraid of what our relationship might
become – a ghost of itself. I am worried that I don’t know what it will
become- whether I will drop out of her life completely or try to remain
her adivisor, confidant, friend, when I am no longer her Dom. I don’t
know what the Devil has in store for us, as he demands his price.

I am not sleeping so well these days…..


22 thoughts on “The Devil

  1. i don’t know the details obviously, but your relationship, the bits you two have been gracious to share here have touched me deeply. It just seems that whatever the obstacles, you two absolutely should stay together until there is not one possible moment of your lives left for any more. Do whatever it takes to make that possible. I say this feeling your connection so strongly; so raw. I say this straight from my heart. Life is so very short. These things, these times are such gifts. Take them and hang onto them as long as humanly possible.

    best of luck; beat the crap out of the devil.

    dk

  2. this is such a love story and as we all know stories such as these often end in tragedy. your love for pixie is felt by all who read your words and we will certainly share in your despair and hers when it happens. certainly there is a way to make it work, surely a love such as this deserves a chance regardless of the obstacles in your way. if you both know for certain a future without the other is full of pain why would either one of you open yourselves up to such pain? if she wants you Richard, if she wants you for all time take her. forget everything else. tell the devil to go back to hell. 🙂

  3. The first few paragraphs here hit me hard. For I am wondering if I should turn away a friend completely to ease the jealousy in my true love. No matter what cost that might be to me or to us.

    The rest just brings me aches for anytime one in a relationship falls in love with another the answers are never easy. I’ve seen it so many times before. It would be so much easier if our society could accept and understand the fluidity of sexual desires, relationships and love. How there is room for more- not less in so many people without threatening or without jealousy. How you can give more…

    I too, do not know the details. But I can guess- for whatever reason Richard’s primary partner will be returning near the New Year demanding more of his time and energy. You do not know how your relationship with Pixie will manage to survive the upheaval right now or the options that you face.

    There may be many tears… Confused thoughts, whispers and quiet whimpers. Let them come. Find your answers in the grief, tears and quiet words. Find them in the screams. For time passes regardless, and sooner or later there is change and answers of their own.

    Richard, you say you have a lifetime of perspective. You know this. In time, the answer will come. Whatever it will be- and often quite unexpected. Enjoy what you have and dance with the Devil. Dance with your Pixie…

  4. *passes Richard a pillow and a soft blanket*

    Sleep Richard and worry not, for as i see it, no matter what thoughts or worries plague your mind, you can be assured of one thing…pixie will be there when you call her, and even if you don’t she will be there.
    You too have endured your own pain, and we the readers have to a degree discredited you the accolades you deserve, for in our own way we have come to pixie’s rescue (as best we can) just as you have.
    There is no one (i believe) that reads this blog that thinks lowly of you, we just focused on pixie more than we did you..and yes in itself that is and has been wrong on our parts.

    There is nothing but love that spills forth when you speak of pixie or the relationship that you and she share, and you have done as we have done, focused on pixie and helping her to overcome these recent events.

    You are from all that i have read an amazing Man and Dom/Master and it matters not what the outside world has to say, This is after all Yours and pixie’s relationship, not ours, we are merely the minority that express our feelings for a fellow submissive/slave, or simply because we feel the need to toss our two cents worth into the mix.

    For me i truly wish the both of you much happiness and may the *New Year* bring you both enlightenment, joy and pleasure.
    Worry not of the times or things to come, they are unknown to all of us, but instead look back with all fondness of the times that have been and smile.
    Life was never meant to be easy, we all know that, but it is a joy when shared with those we love and hold dear to our hearts.

    Wishing you both a very Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year..

    ~Namaste~

  5. puppet, you have not ignored me – it is pixie’s blog, afterall- of course that is your focus. And mine. She is kind enough to give me space here. I am finding that, like pixie, it helps to write.

  6. Thank you so much Richard for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I think so many of us have been dreading the day that you and Pixie will part. I hope it never happens, as unrealistic as that probably is. I’ve never been able to handle goodbyes. I can truly sympathize with you both.

    I could go on and on but instead, a song comes to mind. If you heard Gladys Knight sing the last line of one of the saddest songs in my memory “Neither one of us wants to be the first to say… farewell my lover, Goodbye”, you may cry like a baby as I have. Confusing, sad and hopeless isn’t it. I couldn’t end it on a high note, I’d rather suck every drop of life out it.

  7. so sad. My bet is that pixie can’t walk away from you, from this. Who could? Her need is strong and you seem to meet it.
    I can’t imagine how she must feel to know there is another. Sweetness makes a point…all in three words. Confusing, sad and hopeless.

  8. Well, at least you don’t have the dilemma of whether to back off less you two get too attached! That may seem trite, but if one limits one’s view to just the two of you, there seems little point in doing anything dramatic; obviously, there are others whose needs and desires you need to consider, but the “attachment genie” is well and truly out of the bottle.

    As to where to go from where you are, all I’d say is… have you seen the Billy Wilder/Marilyn Monroe/Jack Lemmon/Tony Curtis movie “Some Like It Hot”?

    The final scene, apart from being astonishingly enlightened (for 1959) about non-standard relationships, sums up my thoughts perfectly: so there’s an age difference; so there’s parental disapproval… as the final line of the movie said… Nobody’s perfect.

    And when you add the observation that everyone changes, IF you can make it work for now (a big IF, I realise), then maybe your difficulties will become easy. Maybe she’ll meet someone with whom the most perfect relationship will appear. Maybe you’ll collectively decide that you guys not being together makes as much sense as trying to give up breathing. Who knows?

    But, well, um, I reckon you’ve got a rather fragile Pixie at the moment, and if it’s at all possible, having your shoulder to lean on might be rather useful…

    M

  9. This is such a beautiful,but sad post. Richard I was just wondering whether you ever had thought about giving up your primary relationship at all? You just sound so in love with Pixie.
    Sorry,to ask such a personal question,but it has been something I have wondered about.

  10. This is such a beautiful,but sad post. Richard I was just wondering whether you ever had thought about giving up your primary relationship at all? You just sound so in love with Pixie.
    Sorry,to ask such a personal question,but it has been something I have wondered about.

  11. Gelt_Guy,
    this made me laugh! you can’t believe how pixie and I talked about the fact we were getting “way to close” lol. Too late for that now! So we did have to worry about it, apparently we didn’t, and not we don’t have to worry about … anymore. The dilemma you mention is now water under the bridge.
    R

  12. I guess you could use all the cliche’s like: Nothing worth having is ever easy, where there’s a will there’s a way, Love conquers all etc. However don’t underestimate your own words “My live has been so immeasurably
    better with her in it, I cannot face the possibility of the future without
    her. ” Truthfully, hasn’t your heart already made the choice…..embrace it and hold on, its gonna be a bumpy ride.

    ~E

  13. I too share the question from “L” – why are you not able to leave your partner for Pixie?
    There must be a bond between you that prohibits you from doing this perhaps?

    I am confused though, as you do very clearly love everything about Pixie, and are very defiant that you are not ready to give her up; Why do you have to?
    Why are you all not able to exist together? There must be an element of secrecy regarding your relationship otherwise this would not be an issue. And I can only demise that your relationship with Pixie must be a secret from your other partner? But I may be wrong, I am only guessing.
    But the answers to these questions are personal ones and it is up to you if you wish to share them with us and help us understand your story even more.

    And from all of this, can not help but feel sadness. Not just for you having to leave Pixie, but for your partner. When you talk you seem very wistfull, “I don’t want my life to be different, i.e. like it was before I met pixie and we began our adventure. I don’t want to go back to what I had. I don’t want to give up what I HAVE. I don’t want to pay the devil the price he will be asking” – I suppose in a perfect world we all hope to find this person when we are at an age where we can enjoy that person for our entire lifetime, but as we all know, this is never the case. So I also feel sadness for your partner as well, for that person does not know how you feel about Pixie (perhaps they do, we do not know), how she has enriched your life, perhaps it would crush them to think that they are not the person that makes you feel like that…..?

    There comes a time when doing the right thing just does not make sense, and that leading your life for everyone else and not yourself just doesn’t work. You can never please everyone, so why not please yourself? Cold words I suppose, but what is the point of leading a life that is not the one that you truly want to lead?

    People may not agree with your relationship but they can never accuse you of being selfish and not caring about Pixie.

    I hope you sleep soundly soon, but I fear that you will not until a decision has been made between both of you.

  14. You and I, it seems, suffer from the same debilitating illness: noblese oblige. Like you, I have made a life of determining what other people needed (often contrary to their statements) and giving it to them at my own expense. What we have both gotten in return for all this self abegation s the satisfaction of being the “better man” the paterfamilias who puts the welfare of the community ahead of his own, much like the Roman story of Regulus.

    What I (and I suspect you) have always expected in return was respect; that others would understand what we were doing and be both grateful and impressed. This, I have found, is a hit-or-miss proposition.

    What I have come to understand, unfortunately, is that this is perhaps the supreme arrogance. Those around you are not children, and you are not their parent, no matter how much the situation may make it look that way. You are not the human sacrifice, and the Earth will continue to turn and the rain will come even if you do not immolate yourself.

    You only get one go at all this. You are entitled to take something for yourself at some point.

  15. I have to comment on the last comment. A wise reader. It is like asking yourself ‘do you want to be right or do you want to b ehappy?’
    You are the only one who can take the responsibility of making yourself happy, can you sit and think of the next seven months without your pixie? Not knowing who is holding her or if anyone is even there to hold her if she needs it, and girls like pixie need a lot of holding.
    On the day you die, or on the day the plane goes down do you want to think of all the people you scarificed your own happiness for or will you fondly think of the one who has made you so happy. I know it isn’t as simple as all that and I imagine the same loyalty that holds you to pixie also hold you down at home.

    I haven’t said this for quite awhile. What were you thinking? 🙂

  16. i wouldn’t dare presume to weigh in on the quandary you are facing. we are a combination of audience and Greek chorus. we don’t have the whole story, nor do we have any claim on it – and in any situation there is the Rashomon factor to be considered.

    i’ll say only this, Richard, and i am not at all trying to be cute or facile. when i came to the end of this piece, my immediate reaction was that you had labeled it with the wrong category.

    file this one under “love.”

  17. Life’s only constant is change…a hard truth that is inescapable. Thank you, Richard and pixie for sharing a bit of your journey with us.

    i hope it is a love story with a happy ending for you and not a tragedy. pixie deserves to be happy and so do you, Richard. Age is but a number as the spirit and the soul are what define our essence. If your spirits are young and your soul’s are meant to entwine for longer you will find a way.

    s/nik

  18. This made me so sad…I want to give both of you a hug!

    You have something so special and unique together, I really hope everything works out for the best.

  19. sigh.
    so beautiful Richard. The gentle lover in you makes the cold sadist in you just that much more appealing. You shouldn’t blame pixiepie for not wanting to let you go. We talk a lot about the sub needing her Dom for strength and structure. I think in this case you need pixie as much as she needs you.

  20. Love is always worth it. No matter how long it lasts. Cherish love and each other. Accept the changes in your relationship, they can’t be predicted.
    i wish you two the best, and admire the openness the two of you have.

  21. Thank you, all, for these words of encouragement. It is a new day, and new days are always good. I am back home, seeing pixie this afternoon, giving her what she needs. the world looks a little brighter today than it has.
    You ARE like a greek chorus! and like a greek chorus your words help explain and define what is going on among the main characters on stage. They go beyond explaining, and sometimes influence the outcome. It is often such good advice.
    Dr. Dom, you closing line brough a smile to my face. It has been a while since you’ve said it, but you should know that it is a comment that has become part of the lexicon of our relationship (along with “way too close,” which is self-explanatory, and “very bad” to describe some event that proves we are “way too close”) – it is never far from our minds. You may recall that on the night I met pixie I warned her not to fall in love with me. She laughs now at how arrogant she thought I was for saying such a thing. Recently she discovered a huge history of our chats and commented how clear it was in the earlier ones that I was keeping space between us. Somewhere along the way I stopped. I don’t remember what I was thinking, lol, but likely I wasn’t thinking about it at all – it just happened. And then we reached a point where we knew we had crossed over the line, and we asked ourselves, should we try to undo this? Should we try to create some space, re-establish a different kind of relationship? And we answered that the way we connected added so much to our D/s that we didn’t want to even try. And that is where we let it go full tilt, like running downhill. And I wouldn’t trade a minute of it for a lesser relationship that might have proven safer. So that is the short history of what we were thinking. I think that mostly we were feeling, not thinking, and what we have feels very good. 🙂
    Thank you all again for your kind words, helping words.

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