caning · love · Richard · Seasonal Affective Disorder


Sometimes a girl just needs pain. I am that girl today. I crave the crack of the cane…the bite of the belt, the tightening of hands around my neck, his teeth grazing my skin…I long for one of those deep, hard orgasms that take days to recover from. Do I crave it because it confirms what I am to Richard? Is it a reminder of my role in his life…that he will still need me now that his life is changing?

I think because emotionally I am bereft. I am empty in places where I once overflowed as I sit here and imagine it all unfolding.. A temporary setback..yes. But a setback nonetheless. Or possibly all a symptom of my seasonal depression.

Regardless….pain is good for setbacks like that.

Richard is home. He is but miles down the interstate from me yet he is so very, very far away. I appreciate all the guidance that I have received from my wonderful readers over the past week or so. Your words have rested on my heart and made me see things in different ways…better ways. I am a better person for having this blog and for sharing my thoughts with you. I received some especially wonderful advice from a cherished friend. She told me that sometimes a person can look too hard for answers…her advice was a simple ‘sit on your hands’. Meaning don’t make any decisions when emotionally I am disconnected and filled with angst. The answers will come on their own she told me. Because I trust her so much and because her words touched me deeply I am going to do my best to follow her advice.

Following your heart…listening to your emotions is somewhat overrated I think. Don’t you? I do not trust myself today..right now to not regret something the rest of my life. That could go either way…a regret that I allowed myself to be hurt by collecting the small pieces of Richard that I can have now…or devastated that I lost him a second before I had to.

Right now if I followed my emotions whatever choice I make is sorrow filled. I like the idea of not trying to decide if it is now time to ask Richard to release me. Besides the fact that losing him is an unbearable thought I know there is too much emotion and drama in my life to face it without his steadying hand. I need him. He has taken me too far and built me up too high to allow me to crumble now. I trust him to know what is best for me. I know that if feels like he is not providing me enough structure or support or attention he will have the wisdom to let me go. He must, I trust him with that decision. He gave it back to me in regards to Liam but now it is back in his strong capable hands. Didn’t I hand that responsibility to him the day I asked him if he would be my Dominant. Haven’t I trusted him with my body, my pain, my heart since that day? So why now…when we are facing our first real challenge do I assume the worst? Why do I assume he will forget me….not need me, not love me anymore? Why do I feel like I have the right to decide right now before anything has happened or not happened if what we have will be a ‘ghost of itself’. I owe him more trust than that. I am not asking Richard to let me go. In fact I am going to do my very best to be strong for him, to continue to meet his needs and think less of my own.

Plus…and what about his needs? Can I selfishly turn him away because I am not the center of his world all of a sudden, that real life has changed our roles somewhat? Isn’t that selfish of me? Our time is all of a sudden limited. That has to be OK. Somewhere in myself I will make that alright. I am not sure what will become of us. Or me. But I trust him to make this all alright somehow one way or the other.

And in the meantime I will be here…sitting on my hands.

12 thoughts on “hands

  1. They were wise words indeed from your friend. I wish you luck in trying to follow her advice.

    If the time is now limited, perhaps your relationship will evolve into something more? Isn’t that what webcams and blackberries are for?

    I wish you lots of luck, as it is very had to sit back and not “fiddle” with something that perhaps needs to be fiddled with!!………And I mean that in every sense!

  2. Its all becoming a lot clearer now….. I wish you both well and yes, sit on your hands and never ever “assume”.

    I have a love/hate relationship with those two words “never assume”.

    Hugs…. it will be fine…. it will be… smiles


  3. sweet pixie,
    i so identify with that longing for pain. And understand how that craving denied only intensifies the longing. It’s hard when we find ourselves and know just what we need to make it “all better” and have it just out of reach. i lived this for many months and it was very difficult, indeed. And to face it in the winter and at the holidays when it seems the whole world is merry and happy…well, i empathize and sympathize.

    All that being said, i can not help but agree with your friend. Some times the only right choice is to do nothing. Particularly, IMHO, if you are a natural submissive…meaning if you require the choices and direction to come from your’s not about ” topping from the bottom”or any of the other trite expressions you see. It’s simply a matter, as you say, of trust and knowing with all your being that whatever happens is what he truly wants and made happen. It is your place to continue to be YOU and let him be the man he is. Some how my heart tells me it just may be enough.

    But it is very difficult to actively do NOTHING. I doubt he will allow you to flail about inside your head for very long. You may find now is the time for growth that comes from a different sort of pain. The pain of waiting. Whatever the outcome, you are learning about pixie and we are all blessed that you are choosing to share your story with us.

    Good luck, little pixie!! And blog away!! You’ve got lots of interested readers to support you while you wait!!


  4. It is so hard when you do not know which way to turn. You are at last on the right track….follow his lead, isn’t that why you trust him so much. Has he ever led you wrong before? In reading your blog some of the experiences that you have shared with him require more trust than a person should give another. It is deep and real for you guys. Don’t stop trusting him now. Maybe it will be enough, keep in mind pixie dear that his abscence in your life will be as hard on him as it is on you. He obviously loves you. He will not lead you wrong. Ask yourself too, would he keep you close to him if it quit benefitting you, if it stopped being a good thing in your life. Let him be the positive guiding force that he can be- that is his role. He loves you, he owns you. And like I said sweet pixie he most assuredly needs you in his life with the same intensity that you need him.

  5. Sadness flies on the wings of the morning and out of the heart of darkness comes the light. ~Jean Giraudoux

    pixie dear. Your Owner loves you. You are wise to listen to your friend. Let yourself rest in the arms of your Owner for he truly loves you and how could that ever lead you wrong. I am just a humble reader who admires you both and would like nothing more than to see this work and not end in the sorrow and pain you both predict.

  6. pixie pie, my sweet, these words touched me deeply. I know how much this advice you received meant to you, and how hard it might be for you to follow it. But even more, your words remind me of the responsibility that goes with the joy of owning you. The trust you place in me is extraordinary and as always I will do my best to live up to it.

    There will be some hard days ahead, but there have always been hard days and we have weathered them. There will also be good days. And regardless of what the next act brings us, never ever assume your Owner will “forget me…. not need me, not love me anymore.” You once told me that something I said was the dumbest thing I had ever said to you – do you remember? Well, now it is my turn. Such an assumption, even the thought of it… is the dumbest thought you have ever expressed. 🙂

    Be strong, let me help you be strong, and let us enjoy the rest of our time together, whatever we are given.
    love, R

  7. You are indeed lucky to have the friend who told you to sit on your hands, and I wish that I had had someone like that earlier this week, when I pushed the send button and probably made an abject fool of myself with someone I was just getting to know.

  8. a lurker peeps out of the shadows to say this; pixie you have me entranced. i love this blog. i am learning so much from you. you are assigned reading for me.

  9. Pixie….
    I came here to understand Dom’s and subs (like Claire). I found a Dom/sub relationship beyond all others bound with love. It is sometimes hard to have faith in the darkest times, but he could not leave you now and will give you what you need.
    Sit on your hands. Wait for your Richard. He will return, and each moment will be precious. It is the way your life will be now. For now. Trust the man that you allowed to be your Dominant. For that relationship felt right to you for a reason. Perhaps one that you never wrote about.
    Somehow. For it is what it what he too needs. Read the archives. He is there. He will be there, Pixie Pie. As much as he can. It is tearing him apart as well, to be apart from you.

    It is hard to hold faith when he has not been part of your life for as long as you need him now when things are looking darker. But he will be there for you.

    It is harder for me now… (Nevermind…!)

    BTW- I need an email…

  10. Totally off topic here and as i shall be away as of tomorrow, i just wanted to wish you both a Very Merry Christmas and Properous New Year.

    Who knows what tomorrow brings, and who knows what life has in store for us, but from this humble aussie i sincerely wish you both all the joy and happiness that life has to offer.
    Be well, Live happy and Love like there is No tomorrow.


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