Sometimes a girl just needs pain. I am that girl today. I crave the crack of the cane…the bite of the belt, the tightening of hands around my neck, his teeth grazing my skin…I long for one of those deep, hard orgasms that take days to recover from. Do I crave it because it confirms what I am to Richard? Is it a reminder of my role in his life…that he will still need me now that his life is changing?
I think because emotionally I am bereft. I am empty in places where I once overflowed as I sit here and imagine it all unfolding.. A temporary setback..yes. But a setback nonetheless. Or possibly all a symptom of my seasonal depression.
Regardless….pain is good for setbacks like that.
Richard is home. He is but miles down the interstate from me yet he is so very, very far away. I appreciate all the guidance that I have received from my wonderful readers over the past week or so. Your words have rested on my heart and made me see things in different ways…better ways. I am a better person for having this blog and for sharing my thoughts with you. I received some especially wonderful advice from a cherished friend. She told me that sometimes a person can look too hard for answers…her advice was a simple ‘sit on your hands’. Meaning don’t make any decisions when emotionally I am disconnected and filled with angst. The answers will come on their own she told me. Because I trust her so much and because her words touched me deeply I am going to do my best to follow her advice.
Following your heart…listening to your emotions is somewhat overrated I think. Don’t you? I do not trust myself today..right now to not regret something the rest of my life. That could go either way…a regret that I allowed myself to be hurt by collecting the small pieces of Richard that I can have now…or devastated that I lost him a second before I had to.
Right now if I followed my emotions whatever choice I make is sorrow filled. I like the idea of not trying to decide if it is now time to ask Richard to release me. Besides the fact that losing him is an unbearable thought I know there is too much emotion and drama in my life to face it without his steadying hand. I need him. He has taken me too far and built me up too high to allow me to crumble now. I trust him to know what is best for me. I know that if feels like he is not providing me enough structure or support or attention he will have the wisdom to let me go. He must, I trust him with that decision. He gave it back to me in regards to Liam but now it is back in his strong capable hands. Didn’t I hand that responsibility to him the day I asked him if he would be my Dominant. Haven’t I trusted him with my body, my pain, my heart since that day? So why now…when we are facing our first real challenge do I assume the worst? Why do I assume he will forget me….not need me, not love me anymore? Why do I feel like I have the right to decide right now before anything has happened or not happened if what we have will be a ‘ghost of itself’. I owe him more trust than that. I am not asking Richard to let me go. In fact I am going to do my very best to be strong for him, to continue to meet his needs and think less of my own.
Plus…and what about his needs? Can I selfishly turn him away because I am not the center of his world all of a sudden, that real life has changed our roles somewhat? Isn’t that selfish of me? Our time is all of a sudden limited. That has to be OK. Somewhere in myself I will make that alright. I am not sure what will become of us. Or me. But I trust him to make this all alright somehow one way or the other.
And in the meantime I will be here…sitting on my hands.