A couple things going on in my head tonight.
One..what happened to Toy? She is just gone….is anyone else worried? Did I miss something?
Secondly…I am really figuring things out. I thought that with Richard being less available to me right now I would need or want less of his structure and his guidance. I am realizing the lost feeling has nothing to do with not having enough of his time…though I have seen him three out of the last four days. I am not sure what I was worried about…lol. But it isn’t about time…or lack of.
I had made the decision to pull away somewhat, to lean on him less, to depend on him less. I realized that he has contributed to my dependency of him…in a way he has made me what I am right now. I feel like he hasn’t quite considered that having him less available to me all of sudden is going to have a huge impact on my life. A negative impact that is more than me feeling insecure because I do not have his undivided attention..or jealously..it is feeling not as stable. Not as safe..not as cherished and protected…almost like all the good feeling parts of my submission are somehow being compromised.
Daily contact….instructions…structure..bedtime and rules. I feel like I have all this and he isn’t going to be here to enforce it totally. I am not sure how I feel about that except the idea of maintaining his expectations of me on my own seems…well, daunting. I should point out that I never obeyed him because I feared his punishment..he has never been about punishment. Well, ok…a time or two he reacted to my action with disapproval but mostly I obey him because I crumble beneath his displeasure. I asked him if I needed more structure could he provide it to me. He said yes…but what does that mean? What do I need…today I felt an overriding urge to kneel in front of him. To feel the strong pressure of his hand on my head or on my shoulder. I feel stronger somehow for allowing myself to be so submissive with him. I needed it.
I have been told I am not dating right now. I am in agreement with that. I don’t have the time or energy for another man in my life right now. Liam is still sniffing around and he and Richard have been working through their differences. I am not sure what it is exactly that I need from Richard right now to make me feel more Owned….something is missing. I told him that I naturally obey my bedtime now…that made him smile. I am not sure what sort of structure I am requiring.
Have you ever felt a little lost…like you need reigned in somehow but now sure how or why? I think that is where I am right now.
So in some ways I am sounding a little more mixed up but things are starting to feel better in my mind. I am figuring out less isn’t always more.
Now if I can just find out if Toy is alright…..