S/M

Thursday thoughts and seeking Toy….

A couple things going on in my head tonight.

One..what happened to Toy? She is just gone….is anyone else worried? Did I miss something?

Secondly…I am really figuring things out. I thought that with Richard being less available to me right now I would need or want less of his structure and his guidance. I am realizing the lost feeling has nothing to do with not having enough of his time…though I have seen him three out of the last four days. I am not sure what I was worried about…lol. But it isn’t about time…or lack of.

I had made the decision to pull away somewhat, to lean on him less, to depend on him less. I realized that he has contributed to my dependency of him…in a way he has made me what I am right now. I feel like he hasn’t quite considered that having him less available to me all of sudden is going to have a huge impact on my life. A negative impact that is more than me feeling insecure because I do not have his undivided attention..or jealously..it is feeling not as stable. Not as safe..not as cherished and protected…almost like all the good feeling parts of my submission are somehow being compromised.

Daily contact….instructions…structure..bedtime and rules. I feel like I have all this and he isn’t going to be here to enforce it totally. I am not sure how I feel about that except the idea of maintaining his expectations of me on my own seems…well, daunting. I should point out that I never obeyed him because I feared his punishment..he has never been about punishment. Well, ok…a time or two he reacted to my action with disapproval but mostly I obey him because I crumble beneath his displeasure. I asked him if I needed more structure could he provide it to me. He said yes…but what does that mean? What do I need…today I felt an overriding urge to kneel in front of him. To feel the strong pressure of his hand on my head or on my shoulder. I feel stronger somehow for allowing myself to be so submissive with him. I needed it.

I have been told I am not dating right now. I am in agreement with that. I don’t have the time or energy for another man in my life right now. Liam is still sniffing around and he and Richard have been working through their differences. I am not sure what it is exactly that I need from Richard right now to make me feel more Owned….something is missing. I told him that I naturally obey my bedtime now…that made him smile. I am not sure what sort of structure I am requiring.

Have you ever felt a little lost…like you need reigned in somehow but now sure how or why? I think that is where I am right now.

So in some ways I am sounding a little more mixed up but things are starting to feel better in my mind. I am figuring out less isn’t always more.

Now if I can just find out if Toy is alright…..

28 thoughts on “Thursday thoughts and seeking Toy….

  1. toy made some decisions and took down her blog. by her choice, she is no longer with DL. if you e-mail her you will get back a prepared message. i’m not worried about her.

  2. Yeah. There was a post on Subnoveau about Toy as well. That she decided no longer to keep blogging.

    As for more structure… Interesting question. I do not know for that is not a place that I’ve ever been. I do know that if you think, write and reflect- you will probably find the answers that you seek. *Hugs*

  3. Hi darling,
    i’m okay. Thank you for wondering. You know, you live a fascinating life. i love reading your streaming thoughts. As for feeling lost? Yes. Yes i have felt lost before.

    I’ll be around and when i write again, for a smaller audience, i’ll let you know.

    xoxx
    “untitled”

  4. Oh, and a thank you to both of the previous commenters here for the feedback. Such a wonderful, warm community we all are!

    Things work out. As the dust settles, you begin to see some things that matter. No lectures, no sadness; you just do. That’s life. Walk away from anything and the solution is right in front of you.

    Ok, i am shutting my mouth now!
    love to you all-
    me

  5. Toy will be back of course! She’s got an amazing ability to convey her truth and her life with us. She will also find love, of that I am certain. I’m not all the certain about most things, but this I am. Miss you Toy…invite me too! lol

    aoefe

  6. feeling lost… submissives are trained. the bond is forged thru tasks, thru obedience, reinforced by a pat on the head of a “good girl” or a smack on the ass. the action is repeated, again and again, and each repetition adds another microscopic filament to the nearly visible chain that ties us to our controller.

    but that leash must be HELD. i don’t think it’s enough to learn our little tricks and then be left in the yard, tied to a tree by a long impersonal rope, where we continue to wear the correct panties and go to bed on time.

    i think there’s an elusive quality to the continued attention we need, a certain attentiveness, an electricity that keeps us alert and happy. with the shift in circumstances, i suspect you are not mutually centered on each other the way you were. perhaps you need to shift the center more to within yourself. when you are alone in a car and without GPS, you must be both driver and navigator.

    (don’t know if this makes sense – it’s the middle of the night and i’m drinking tea and coughing when i should be sound asleep…)

    ps – toy: i’m so glad you piped up on your own behalf! it’s great to hear your voice.

    pps – i love how to send in my comment i have to press the button labelled “Submit”…

  7. I think that everyone feels like that, but not just in a D/s sense but in the vanilla sense as well. You have to force yourself to step back and examine the situation is a different light. You come to conclusions and make decisions and somehow you begin to move forward. Whether they are the correct decisions only time will tell……

    Totally different line of thinking – but is it me or is everyone abandoning the D/s ship? First English Gentleman and now Toy…..it is worrying…..is something happening in D/s blog land that we don’t know about???

    I hope you both are not jumping overboard as well……

  8. i’m glad to see that toy has read here….if you check back…you’re missed, and i wish you all the best.

    Pixie…i, too, have felt very lost…and i hate to use the cliche that ‘this too shall pass’ but it will. i just think that taking some time to think, and examine everything will hopefully provide the perspective needed. Sometimes the answers, unfortunately, don’t smack us in the head like we would like for them to…but they ARE there.

    Nurture everything you have…for it is truly precious.

    Take care!
    slave2JS

  9. I’m glad to see comments from toy; I am worried about her as well.

    As for you, pixie, we all feel as if we have been lost at some point. Stay strong, and keep your eye out for the light at the end of the tunnel. Remember that courage is just fear that has hung around a little bit longer. :o) <3, FC

  10. I feel stronger somehow for allowing myself to be so submissive with him. I needed it.

    Yes! I have struggled to find the words to describe how I feel when He seems to drop the leash. That’s it exactly! Without my submission to Him, I feel weak. And yes, lost too.

    Awesome post!
    Blush

    ps to “Untitled” I’d be grateful if you added me to your short list.

  11. Pixie – Although I haven’t been in exactly the same situation, I have felt lost in a similar way. For a while, I resented Him because I thought he made me so dependent on Him. But it passes, and it all goes away once I’m kneeling in front of Him. I hope things work themselves out with Richard and you find your place again.

    Toy – I’ve also been a longtime lurker on your blog and I’d love to be added to your short list (which seems to grow longer by the day, yes?).

  12. What an interesting post, and comments, pixie. You make us all think.

    I have contributed to your dependency on me, I admit it. At first it was intentional, of course, to solidify the bond between us and my control over you. But of course you know it was not meant to turn negative. You are right that I have not given enough thought to how that would leave you should I not be part of your life. I never intended to leave you dom-less, as we know…..

    You were new to me – your 24/7 ownership mentality was new to me. I had no experience with someone who wanted, no needed, rules and structure like you do. Do you remember at the very beginning, when you were moving away from M, you asked me what your rules would be, and I had no answer? I must have looked completely blank – Rules? I have one: be obedient. I was clueless about your need for guidance and structure outside the scene. I had to adapt to you to do it well. Doing it well (from my side) only encouraged you to go deeper into it. Such an interesting phenomenon that I will start to pay more attention to.

    You have heard me say that some instruction I am giving you is a life lesson, by which I mean a tool, a way to develop habits that will work for you long-term to make your life easier, not just a little D/s game. I don’t think I have pushed you hard enough on these, or perhaps you are just too comfortable having me there to remind you to take on the responsibility yourself. You should expect me to push you harder; I will expect you to begin to develop the habit so that one day it will be second nature to you. To build on Blush’s analogy, I won’t drop the leash, but I do want to have a light hand on it. That will require both of us working together.

    We may begin to embark on the next part of your training, where you learn to feel the strong hand of my guidance resting on your head at all times. I know that you need the reassurance that I am thinking of you, even when I am not available to talk to you. You have struggled with this even during my travels. And there are things we can do to fix this.

    Lastly, and as a complete aside, I love that we can have a dialogue here – a way to communicate beyond the face-to-face, telephone calls, TM’s and IM’s and emails – where others can add to that dialogue, and we can learn from them. Your blog is a wonder to me, as you know. Together, and with your readers, we will find out what is missing, and we will correct it (yes, perhaps you need to be ‘corrected’ as we say).
    🙂
    Love you, my pet
    R
    P.S. I am on a conference call while typing this – so even as I am unavailable to you, I am thinking of you. See how that works? Relax and feel my hand on you- you are never far from my mind.

  13. I think I just melted into a puddle when I read that. I really do feel that I am in the “presence of love” when I read both of your posts and comments to each other.

    I have to say that the way that you express yourselves to us and to each other is amazing. I really am in awe of both of you!

    And it is your honestly and loyalty to each other that has prompted a shift in my life. Over the weekend I am going bite the bullet and to talk to my boyfriend, albeit tentatively, about D/s and my desires.

    Wish me luck! and thankyou………..

  14. Wishing you well, in a difficult situation.

    *hug*

    So glad to read you’ve broken up with Liam, and are not dating. As much as I felt for you and Richards situation, it became difficult to read about what Liam was being put through while you missed and craved Richard. I kept thinking how much I would hate to have a brother or friend who was in Liams position….

    So happy you made a descion and moved on. Hopefully he can do the same, and find someone who is ready for the amount of commitment he is ready for. And hopefully you and Richard will find your way through this difficult time too.

    Best wishes.

  15. So much to say about the subject of needing rules and structure. We are almost a different breed pixie. Imagine what most women wold say if the man in their life sent them to bed. Yet you thrive on it. You are fascinating. I love this blog and the dynamic you two share.

    Keep writing! Don’t you dare disappear too!

  16. I will agree with my little sub on this one. Pixie you have a wonderful attitude towards your submission and your devotion to your Owner is remarkable.
    Now..if A could only follow your lead…..

  17. Because i’m in a long distance relationship, i have to contend with the challenge of enforcing the rules on myself, and – as you say – maintaining His expectations. When He’s distracted it’s easy to let things slide without the external reinforcement. So i very much understand where you’re coming from. And when i let things slide and He doesn’t notice or rein me in, then i feel adrift and out of control, and it’s a most uncomfortable feeling for my submissive self.

    Good luck finding a balance – i think you’ll find that you’re able to adjust and find a equilibrium, it will just take some time.

  18. Perhaps it is simply a balance that pixie seeks. I imagine that for a gilr like pixie, a girl that seems to thrive beneath a steady strong hand the idea that her Owner not having unlimited or complete access to her is difficult. It must almost reminincent of the M days when distance and other relationsips kept pixie from feeling full blown dominance. Now it is more difficult because you have felt it. You have had Richard with virtually no contraints for several months. I recognize the lost feeling that you express for exactly what is is, I imagine Richard does as well. You must ask yourself if you will mean as much to him, will he want to reinforce the rules. Will you be able to obey him the way you do now knowing he isn’t there to see you follow through with them.
    He has taken a submissive and turned you into His submissive, His very own toy and now all of a sudden he doesn’t have enough time to play with you. A difficult situation all around. I imagine you both will handle it the best way you can.
    A word of caution to pixie- don’t wander too far away from his lead. I have a feeling that although he may not be there to guide you and to lead you everyday you will still find ways to feel his control and guidance. What you must ask yourself if it is enough?

  19. i could just read Richard’s words again and again. what an amazing Dom you must be.

    and a hug for your sadness pixie dear. 🙂 we all feel lost from time to time. i imagine Richard won’t leave you floundering for long.

  20. oh it is so hard when there is distance between you!

    and I’m so glad Toy is ok – was very concerned!

    xxx

  21. Toy is gone yes….as with Toy pixie may soon find that she too is just being used. I wonder, how long will it be before this blog is obsolete?

  22. Oh! What a wonderful community of people is gathered here!

    I hope that I am not intruding. I am here to let Pixie Pie know that I enjoy reading your blog very much. I have added you to my blogroll. I hope that this is pleasing for you! If it is not, please let me know and I will take it down.

    Much Love, and good luck on your journey with Richard. I am glad that I can share it.

    P.S. I found you through Beau 🙂

  23. To everyone who made a comment for “me”, thank you, thank you. i have taken notes :o)

    And to pixie for hosting this, THANK YOU HUGS GALORE!!

    To the person who commented: “Toy is gone yes….as with Toy pixie may soon find that she too is just being used. I wonder, how long will it be before this blog is obsolete?”

    Don’t we all use some people in some way? i mean really, psychologically speaking, we all do this. On a side note, we all make decisions in the end. i made one; you make them; pixie will make them. i just wanted to subtract the negativity that as much as i was being used, i, too, was using.

    So there.

    Pixie, hang in there!!! i heart you–
    Formerly toy

  24. see what happens when you get busy!

    pixie, you know how i feel about your blog. you are stronger than you know and you, like our toy, will find your way. you deserve every happiness and i hope the new year brings you all good things and the pleasure of your devoted submission to One who completes you and you, them.

    toy….i am so happy to read your words here. my “nature” is to have faith but it is very gratifying to know you are well and continuing your journey toward your destiny, in your own way and time. and any true reader of your blog saw clearly that you were no victim. if someone does not know the strength necessary to submit to the degree which you did, then they can never understand what draws us to this life and how we can give all only to become “more”….for all we give freely, we gain in knowledge of our true nature and capacity to give. i believe you “used” DL to learn this lesson about the strong, beautiful submissive butterfly within…when you are ready to spread your wings and soar again, we will be here to celebrate and join you on the journey again!!

    happy new year, sweet pixie!!

    s/nik

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