S/M

loving it

I created a tent around us with the blankets. I was by his side curled up against his warm body listening to his even breathing….settled now that a few moments had slipped past. I am always amazed at the tight cocoon-like feeling that is created when he and I are together. It is truly as if nobody else exists. Maybe nobody else does. It is possible to believe that when the hours we spend together drift by like one long moment…like a breath held and silently released.

Time passes slowly….if at all and it leaves me feeling attached, grounded and safe with him. He rolled slightly as if to look down at my face. I was watching him and he dropped a kiss on the top of my nose. “Sir…can I touch you anywhere? May I do anything I like to you right now?” It was a little dark in the room but I knew he smiled; it was in his voice and in his hands as he ran his fingers down my back to cup my bottom slightly. I shivered. I wondered if his fingers could still feel the raised marks his whip had left on me almost an hour before. I could feel them beneath my skin…..surely red and swollen. I liked the thought that he could mark me so and then carelessly play with my pain.

“Yes…you may touch me anyway you like.”

I lifted up just a little and motioned that I wanted him on his stomach. He complied…and folded his arms beneath his head. I felt him relax…knew he was happy with the world…with L….with me and I smiled to myself that he was pleased. I like knowing he is happy. It makes me happy and makes me want to stay strong and focused and be what he needs me to be. I like pleasing him; it completes that submissive need in me to serve. His body splayed in front of me made my fingres twitch….I couldn’t wait to touch him…to taste him and I knew exactly what I wanted to do.

 

I poised myself above him for a moment before straddling his back. I worried that he would feel the warm juice from my cunt on his skin but figured it didn’t matter. He put it there. I brushed his fingers with my skin loving the feel of him …wanting to be a part of him  and fighting the urge I always get when I am on top of him…I feel out of my place. It is similar to the feeling I get when he is on his knees in front of me….it makes no difference that I am tied to a cross and he is biting my cunt or strapping restraints to my ankles….I prefer to be the one on my knees. I like him above me.

This time though I fought that feeling and settled myself firmly on his back. Richards’s hair brushes his neck in that sophisticated style that many men attempt to pull of but only a few…like my Owner manage to achieve the intended look. He is sexy and confident and I love the way his hair rests on his neck. So I play with it…every chance I get I play with it. It feels good on my fingers and I alternated playing with his hair and massaging his back.

After a few minutes I scooted lower so I was straddling him more across the back of his legs. My fingers could go lower and brush against his butt this way. (Have I ever mentioned Richard’s butt on my blog…lol? funny how I can feel quite giggly and girly when I do. Isn’t that silly?) Anyway so I started to kiss him…his neck, his back, his ear…up and down his sides. I allowed my breasts to briefly make contact with the hot skin of his back. I felt my own breath quicken in response to the deep moan I heard from Richard. I was lost in the feeling of pleasing him…my mind was all around him and his needs and what he likes. I felt heavy with the need to draw him into me….to give him pleasure. I felt more submissive to him at that moment than I ever had. I realized I was pleasing him…just pleasing him by my soft touch and by knowing what he liked. I ran my tongue along his spine nipping at him softly. I snuggled down a bit lower and gently urged his legs apart a bit more. I questioned him again. “May I please touch you….can I touch you here?” I asked flicking the tip of my tongue between his legs. I wanted to bury my face in him…to pull his scent into my own body so I never needed to try and remember his smell. I know that one day I will try to remember pieces of him and will be unable to recall them exactly. That thought makes me sad enough to cry…because I always, always want to remember his face, his voice, his smell, his hands and the feel of his breath on my skin.

He opened his legs for me a little more and I knelt between them. He was still on his stomach and my hands were flitting across his back. I lowered my head and ran my tongue across the backside of his balls…darting my tongue in and out touching him and licking him everywhere I knew would bring him pleasure. I was spiraling down into a submissive head space of my own making as I continued to grow braver and braver with my explorations. I knew what he liked…and paused wondering if he would tell me. He tells me to do such things….he’ll tell me to put my mouth on his ass….to lick him there. It is easier somehow when his hands are in my hair and he is pushing my face down against him. It is easier when he says the words…maybe because a part of me can pretend I don’t want to do it. I can pretend that I don’t want my face buried between his legs…my tongue circling that most sensitive of places before dipping slightly inside of him. I can pretend that I am not the ass licking submissive cunt he tells me to be and that i am doing it only because he tells me to…because he owns me and I will obey him.

There was no pretending to myself…I was lost in him. Lost in his pleasure, in his total dominance over me….lost in the wonder of what I am to him and what he is to me. I was part of him….not myself anymore but existing solely for his use, for his pleasure. My mouth…my tongue…my fingers all instruments designed to serve him. I was loving it…loving the taste of him. The smell of him…the way he finally pulled me away. The way he savagely kissed my mouth and praised me…told me what a good girl I was….and what a slut I was for enjoying that as much as I did. The way he pulled me beneath him and fucked me hard from behind…pounding inside of me until I felt broken. Broken and sated all at once.

 

The walls are gone, the limits are lost. Were they ever there between us? There is nothing separating his desires from my actions….there is nothing he could do to me that I wouldn’t take. Nothing he would ask of me that I wouldn’t submit to. It is a powerful and yet vulnerable place to be. Powerful because it is my choice. I am his because I so desire…because a need in me is being not only met but consumed. He consumes me. All the bad…..all the good…and leaves me as something better than I was before. And isn’t that the point? So maybe when he is gone and we have both moved on that is all that will really matter…it won’t be that I can’t recall his smell or the exact scorching feeling of his hands upon my skin, or the exact tint of his eyes…. it will be what he left behind. In me…it will be all that he has made me and all that he has given me. What he grew….what he created through his Dominance… through his Ownership…will remain with me forever.

S/M

clarity

I am overwhelmed by good feelings right now.  I am smiling, I am happy and all is right in the world of pixie and Richard. Somehow I have emerged unscathed. Yes..my Owner, I am still smiling tonight. 🙂

 

Today’s snapshot is bright, clear and full of hope and relief that everything is turning out as it should. I saw Richard last night and carried with me a skeptical heart. I had convinced myself somehow that things were different…I had allowed myself to let my trust in Richard slip. A submissive’s folly for sure.

 

He told me that he would take everything from me…that I would give him all he needed, all he expected and that he would leave me empty. And that together we would refill me and only good feelings would linger. I read those words again…and again. I fought the urge to melt into them and follow my instinct to be led, to trust. I knew he mishandled me last week, he knew that he did too. Even the best Dominants are entitled to a misstep every now and then….and I easily forgave him and was slightly in awe that he validated my feelings the way he did.

 

Richard knows me. He seems to be just intuitive enough to know what I need, what I can take and what I can’t. He also knows how to take me just past where I am comfortable going. I know that even as he takes from me what he needs he is ever mindful of my pleasure…of my desire to be taken, to feel pain, to submit. That is why he is not just my Dominant…that is why I am truly and fully Owned by this wonderful man who knows me so well.

 

Last night I beat Richard to the apartment. I showered and slipped naked beneath the warm quilt on the bed. I told him I was going to show up early and take a little nap. I love our apartment…I feel so at home in the cozy, small place that holds so many memories. It was really never my intention to fall asleep, I really didn’t mean to. I only wanted to lay quietly there and focus on the wall I had built around myself over the past few days..a few more bricks needed to be added. He would be there any minute and I could tell I wasn’t ready or strong enough or half prepared to even see him let alone submit to him.

 

I was so scared that I was going to fail him…that somehow I needed too much of him and that if I could just give him my body all would be alright. I had figured out all on my own that because emotionally Richard is in a good place with L that he didn’t need love from me. I decided to hold that part of myself from him. I also convinced myself that I was not going to let myself ‘feel’ enough to go away, to drift away into sub space. I didn’t want Richard to put me there and then feel obligated to nurture me back. I was confused and wounded…and so very, very wrong. There is a reason why I am submissive and Richard the Dominant…he reminded me of that last night. He taught me that it is up to him what he takes from me, what he needs from me, what I give to him. I tried to control it and to monitor it…deliberately holding that one piece of myself out of his reach and then once he finally reached it I struggled with allowing him to see where I was. I was determined to take all the pain for him and give no emotional response…to not allow my need for his tenderness and nurture to guide me. I tried to control what is not in my right to control….it isn’t even about rights. I tried to control what I gave to him over eight months ago and that is my submission.

 

He needs my love…he needs my submission now more than ever he said.  I almost ruined an amazing night by trying hard to hold back….to be a shell of what he has made me.

 

I knew it was going to be hard if not impossible to hold back from him right away. I woke up and there he was…beside me…gathering me in his arms and holding me close…kissing me and telling me how he loves me….marveling at my nakedness and stroking me gently with the same hands that hold a knife to my throat or draw blood from a cane. The tenderness and love that emanated from him pulled at my heart and I fought it off even as I allowed myself to be loved, to feel cherished.  He quickly showered and lay down by my side again pulling me against him. We talked…about our day… about L… about us…about how I was feeling. We talked about trust and how I needed to trust him to take care of me….or neither of us would get what we wanted. He sat up and pulled me up so I was sitting beside him. He knew part of me wasn’t there, a part of me that couldn’t be there for I had convinced myself there were pieces of me that he didn’t want.….I said that maybe he shouldn’t kiss me anymore. And he pressed me down in the covers and kissed me a million times on my lips and face…some hard and demanding others soft and gentle. I told him that maybe ‘this’ part is what is messing with my head…making me want and need more from him. ‘This’ meaning the soft touches of his fingers on my skin, his hand cupping my head or in my hair. As he ran his hands gently up and down my body lingering on his spot….the back of my neck…allowing a finger to rest gently on the curve of my back…I trembled beneath him. He whispered again that he took what he needed from me….it wasn’t my job to monitor it. He wanted all of me. I said that maybe I shouldn’t tell him I loved him…that he shouldn’t tell me. He whispered it in my ear. “I love you, you are a part of  me. This..”  he said pulling the blankets away and pressing me back down into the bed this time on my stomach, “completes what I am, who I am. I need you to do that.” He covered me with his body…the entire weight of him threatening to smother me and all I could think of was my feelings for him and how I would be doing him a favor by shifting my submission to something less complete.  I closed my eyes and absorbed it all…knowing that part of me still resisted, still shielded me from the pain. I wanted this to be perfect. I wanted to meet his needs and my own and interfere as little as possible in what L needs and deserves from Richard. Loving him and having him love me in return is the only part of what we have that L does not know, and maybe she doesn’t need to know. That isn’t my decision to make…only her not knowing makes it seem like something to hide. And I guess it is…and really what does that hurt? I wonder though if it is something he doesn’t need from me…but where would he and I be without it? I am certain that it is almost impossible to do what we do…and then on top of that be so much alike to not love each other. Someday I will figure all that out because it is a different sort of love, it is so different from how I have ever felt. It isn’t like the love I’ve had for anyone else in my life up until now.

 

I learned my lesson. Submission is just that…submitting. I tried to control what I gave up control of a long time ago. I know this post is vague and I apologize for that. I am figuring it all out…I only know that I have climbed over something. I am at a point of acceptance…a point of wonder that all of this has meshed together. It is working..it is going to work. I am amazed this is happening. Amazed that Richard successfully maneuvered a conference call between the three of us yesterday…and that L and I are exchanging emails…or that we are finding some humor in this situation. I also know she is curious about what we do…sop curious now she may want to observe. I still think that is a ways off…and I want to go slowly into that. I am encouraged her reaction has changed from…’you people are sick….lol’ to a curiosity surrounding what makes her husband who he is.

 

In my last post toy made a comment about becoming the supplement and not the substitute. I cried when I read that. Yes…I thought to myself…..that is the plateau I have been trying to reach and the word I was seeking to describe it. Thank you toy.

Thank you to all my readers and commenters….even those who say what is hard for me to read. In many ways it is your comments I need to hear the most.

 

What a journey….what a swift crossing, a leap from where this all could have ended on both/either side and now there is so much good ahead of us.

 

S/M

today

I have spent a lot of time over the past couple weeks trying to pin-point exactly why I feel the sand shifting beneath my feet. I know that fundamentally life hasn’t changed with Richard. He is still my Dominant. I am still his submissive. He still has every intention of taking me, using me, and hurting me. As far as that goes nothing has changed.

 

It’s more that our situation is different, not our feelings for each other and not my place in his life. Well….maybe my place in his life is somewhat different. From my perspective it is exceeding and increasing different….though he is trying hard to convince me otherwise. A new place doesn’t always mean worse…it doesn’t always mean better either. I used to think I was pretty resilient, that change didn’t matter that much to me. I am finding though that any change directed towards this relationship or if I feel the change threatens my submission (which I have grown to value so much as an intricate part of my personality) I reject it, I fight it and I tend to pick all the little negatives out and leave the positives in the bowl.  Richard has called me on that and I am aware that it a problem for me.

 

I think that not unlike other submissives I feel things on a deeper level, feelings and events and words have a way of wrapping themselves around my heart and staying there. I wound easily, bruise easily and for all my strength I am feeling this soft sort of almost fragile part emerge. In my mind it is soft in my hands as I hold it up to him as I sit and wait to see what it is he will do with it.

 

It makes me sensitive…needy at times and paranoid of slipping off this ladder that is holding my head only slightly above water. Right now it is a blend of feelings that are pulling at me and their voices are getting louder and louder. They have somehow wormed their way into the part of my psyche that makes me question if this is still good for me. I have never questioned if Richard was good for me. I know he has questioned it but I have always stepped up to defend what we have, all that we give and take from each other has always spoken for itself. Now I am finding that my submission to him, while still making me feel strong and directed internally, right here on the superficial surface I am questioning my worth. Some of the importance has been silenced. Am I less his submissive and more of a convenience to him all of a sudden? I wonder to myself…and I hate, hate, hate the feeling that comes with wondering that. I don’t like my shifting faith, the feelings that I slide down into when I do not have touch with him….you know, when my ‘appointment’ is over. Today I am wondering- what is my true role with him? I have all my feelings for him in one bag and for all our sakes this is the bag that I am trying to keep closed. At the same time I am desperately trying to refill the bag that holds my submission, my deference, my longing and desire for him. For this bag is the bag he can carry around with him. This is the bag he can open and show L the contents of …..when really all I want is one bag. Is there a way to have only one bag?

 

 I am seeing him tonight. I am not sitting here nervous and excited the way I typically would before seeing him. Our world is less naturally constructed and I am finding it is hard to understand. It is hard to throw myself into something that is rising up to meet me from the bottom. I am so scared that I will stand in front of him and know that I can’t do it. That there is nothing there to pull from because deep inside me I know there is nothing there to refill it with. He told me to trust him. He will take what he needs; he will give me what I need. I trust him…but what if what he can give and what I need are incompatible…what if they in fact negatively bounce off each other leaving us both ducking. I am so afraid of feeling the way I felt last week. I am so afraid that he will empty me and leave me empty and never even know it.

 

I feel like an appointment. Tonight I am an appointment, we have an appointment. We have ‘L’ designed guidelines now that are constructing the confines of our relationship. I think guidelines are necessary, I think ground rules are necessary. I want them to keep myself grounded, to allow myself enough time and energy to enter into a relationship with a man that will place no limits on me, a man who will want and need me to be woven into every aspect of his life. So yes, rules are necessary. But they need to help, not hurt. Right now they are hurting. They are hurting me and they are chipping away at what I know I can offer him. I feel as if they are carelessly made to offer a shallow reassurance…doing more harm than good all around. It takes nothing from her and only provides her the satisfaction and reassurance that she is taking something from me.

 

Here is the deal for now….here is our relationship ‘guidelines’. I see Richard one evening a week and then we lunch together one day a week. I have access to him via phone/ text message all week throughout the day but will respect her right to have her husband to herself in the evenings and on the weekends. All of this I can accept. Even the weekend deal simply because it is right….it is fair and she deserves that time with Richard uncluttered by me. Now though there are limits upon limits….imagine the Dr. Seuss book where every time the cat takes off his hat there is another ‘thing’ on his head over and over again until there are a little red ‘things’ all in a shaky tower? That is how I feel….as if every time a hat is lifted there is another hat. For example….there is a specific time she is going to expect him home. I may have him four hours….and maybe I should be grateful for that. And the good girl submissive in me is saying that I should be, that four hours is plenty of time for him to take what he needs, that four hours is more than I would have on an evening if the decision was never made to tell her. But then the bad girl submissive is rearing up and feels indignant. She doesn’t want her submission to be micromanaged…she doesn’t want her one evening with her Owner to be spent watching the clock. I have gracefully conceded to her right to set boundaries and Richard’s responsibility to go slowly with her through this acceptance process…so why is the idea of tonight and there being a time limit so horrible for me. Why am I so tempted to say…Richard, I can’t do this….I am too scared that I will feel broken and sad and lonely afterwards?

So bad sub….good sub….their voices whisper.

 

And who wins? The bad girl of course…and maybe because I am a horrible sub. Maybe because what I have with Richard is too meaningful for me to let it drip away until it is a puddle only reflecting back the negative? Or most likely because I am a submissive who misses her Dominant…I miss having him for hours and hours and for days at a time and without that I feel torn in small pieces. Does all that make me selfish? Perhaps…perhaps even unapologetically selfish. I feel as if the hard part is over, it is behind us. L knows about me and she has accepted me into her world and into Richard’s world…..yet why do I feel like such with acceptance brings avoidance and change.

control · D/s · focus · restraints · Richard

trust

He had adjusted the clasps on my cross at some point so my arms and legs were attached more securely. They were higher, tighter and somehow it made me feel more exposed. As if being naked stretched out in front of him wasn’t quite enough. I know this is part of it for Richard, it always has been. The slow breaking down of boundaries, of walls I didn’t know I had until there is not even the thin veil of modest pride between us. That is where we are now as I am stretched naked out in front of him. Arms and legs pulled apart….all of me open to his gaze and to his touch. I am more helpless with him now that I ever was before…even when I didn’t know him that well and the bridges of trust were being constructed I was never this vulnerable with him. It is because there are no real boundaries, no real or hard limits between us.

I was more stretched out than I had ever been on the cross. My toes barely touched the floor and my arms were high above my head. It seems almost ritualistic to stand there at the cross and willingly lift my arms up to be attached to the metal hooks and then adjust my legs so they too could be restrained. It is a thrilled dark willingness that comes from some place inside of me, from that place that begs to be understood but knowing that if spend too much time wondering I will go crazy. I understand it better each day, I am understood by him better each time I allow him to visit the darkness inside of me that only he can light up. There is so much good here, so much growth and so much positive. Yet, I am at the point where I know I risk my submission faltering. My hope is that it will surge forward and continue to grow just as it has grown over the past several months.

I told Richard that I am feeling the changes; it is making me question the viability of what we have. Is it possible that this wonderful dynamic we have created is to come to an end? It makes me sad of course to even consider that. Our last two times together have been a series of some of the most intense and bond building moments between us. It has grown and is something that even I am in awe of. I didn’t think there could be more, that he could take more or that he would expect more. I know that Richard’s need to give me pain exceeds my ability to take it….I knew that even before he held me down after taking me off the cross. Even before he bit painfully into my breast pulling a small flap of skin into his mouth and then holding it tightly between his fingers…..and even before he told me that this is where he would to drive a small nail into my skin…that this is where he would attach me to the cross next time. Just in and out he said…a small nail through an even smaller expanse of skin. What did I think of that he asked? It is the worst type of questions that can only be answered with a moan. We have grown. There is no doubt in my mind that I am owned, that he is in control of my submission as sure as he is in control of my body when I am with him….and even more lately when I am not with him. I am focused more on him and his ownership of me. He will leave a dark mark on me…a horrible bruise or a vicious cane stroke that will rise up on my skin and linger for days just so he can remind me that he put it there. Just so he can remind me that I am his to do with as he pleases….and that I am loved, and owned. Of this, of all of these things I have no doubts.

Yet I doubt.

I feel a falling away, a slow decent of a vital element that was always just taken for granted between us. One that I need more than the pain itself, more than the direction, more than the heavy feeling of ownership that Richard has brought to my life….it is the slow crumbling of trust. It is an inadvertent pulling away of the dependability of the man that I must be able to trust without question. I feel as if emotionally I have been set adrift on my own. It is a slow pushing away from shore yet I feel his foot firmly on the boat- softly shoving. It scares me to feel like this. Couple that with the heightened level of our physical connection. I feel the strain, I am preoccupied with it and it plays around in my mind like a thought that threatens to cover everything else up. It is a shadow and it reminds me of the same shadow that threatened us when L was preparing to return to the country to live with Richard again….similar to the shadow that made me believe that things would end between us then.

I also am fighting with this guilty feeling that indignantly reminds me I have no right to feel lost. If I feel abandoned it is only because I have grown too dependent, to emotion needy. Who am I to feel as if I am lacking something from him? I am just his submissive, right? Am I allowed to question…to need, to feel sad if my world somehow feels shaken too.

The bomb he dropped on L was life altering and he is beholden to walk her through this darkness until she begins to see some light. I wonder though if I am getting lost in that darkness…if the shadows that he forces between us to keep her settled are too much for me to keep from disappearing into. I fear it may be. I fear that I am slipping away into a place where I can provide physical release to Richard but he will not require me to have a place with him emotionally. He won’t need that from me….as odd as it sounds my very existence in his life and the revelations that my presence prompted in their life makes their relationship more even…they are closer. He has changed towards me and in some ways that I am not going to be able to work with. He is taking less care with me. For example…and I run the risk of this sounding petty or childish but I also know that my readers who are submissive, who thrive on routine and consistency from their Dom will understand me. Richard has always understood that the time after he and I being together is as important as the actual exchange of power and pain. Often he makes it a point that he and I close an evening or time together somewhere public…having dinner..or lunch together. For example when I spent time with Max and Alex it was in our contract that we do something ‘vanilla’ afterwards to close it out in my mind. Just a simple way to make sure I am pulled together. That I have that submissive layer pulled back enough to make me capable of functioning and allowing me to have the strength to keep myself from getting lost in the shadows of the sub-drop that I am prone to.

It is less important somehow now. I take a lot of time and energy and right now Richard is trying hard to convince L that I do not all the while knowing that I do. She referred to what he and I together in an email to me (yes…L and I are communicating) as an arrangement. It has never been an arrangement….it is a relationship. Richard never saw me or what we shared as an arrangement; he never made me feel otherwise until the other night.

The other night….he and I shared an intense evening after which he spent just enough time holding me and talking to me and pulling me (and him) back together. As we lingered at the apartment we shared a feeling of awe that we were so connected…that what we have together just feels so perfect. I never realized though how dependent that feeling hinges on my feeling of safeness and need for nurture by him. There was a feeling of not wanting to leave him or the safeness of the apartment; a place where regardless of what happens or is expected on the outside here within these walls I am his.

I could feel that I was still a little pulled open…a bit foggy, not quite back to where I needed to be. Like I said he is more and more demanding of me physically and I am finding that my threshold for pain is growing steadily as is my ability to control if I allow myself to slip away or not. Keeping in mind my sometimes need for a separate closure of the evening…especially when it was extra intense we decided that we would meet for a bowl of soup before we headed home. It was cold out and there had been an ice storm earlier that day. It was one of those nights where I needed to shake the feeling of ‘safe haven’ that the apartment provides me. I knew that part of it was the newness of knowing that when he left me he was going home to L where in the past it was always him just going home to an empty house. Typically we would share a long conversation….a debriefing so to speak. All the nighttime reassurance that a submissive like me requires to get past the creeping dropping feelings that sometimes comes after taking a large amount of pain can usually be met by that last word before I close my eyes. That obviously wasn’t going to happen as I was very much aware that just as this was a first to me…it was the first time that L was home alone waiting for Richard to come home.

I knew Richard needed and expected me to be strong for him.

I so desperately wanted to do that. He followed me to the restaurant but motioned for me to not get out, instead he got out and got into my car. He said he needed to get home. That he needed me to be strong and that he needed to go home.

I can’t begin to describe how his words made me feel. I felt like he withdrew from me and I felt a strong need to pull away from him, from this man who pulled so much out of me moments before yet all of a sudden seemed so unwilling to put something back. I am not sure why I reacted so negatively. I felt as if he had reached in and just snapped off apiece of me that he had grown…s piece of me that always trusted him to do as he said. I was confused and unsure why he would decide to not spend an extra few minutes with me. I told him that I would rather he said goodbye to me at the apartment instead of changing his mind. I felt insignificant…as if all that had happened over the past few hours now that it was over didn’t matter to him. That maybe I was just going to be this physical release for him that would complete him somehow because he doesn’t have it with L….yet I would have to learn to take the lack and the loss of his love and care because he is getting that from her.

I told Richard that I feel as if my submission to him is deeper than it ever has been. He feels it too and he knows we have somehow crossed over another boundary where there is no resistance between his need and my willingness to meet those needs. I am falling back, falling away and I have no doubt about that. Liam describes this entire situation as Richard changing the rules on me halfway through the game. I wonder if he is right somehow, I am not sure about that. I know Liam has his own agenda in regards to Richard. Mark said that I needed to be cautious that I didn’t fall into a pattern of allowing myself to be used (in a bad way).

I do know that for all the good Richard’s revelation has given to his relationship with L and really even to what he and I have it has taken something away. I am aware that open conversation with Richard is the only way I can get through this. He demands I tell him how I am feeling even if it isn’t what he wants to hear. He wants to know so he can be supportive of my needs. We are not able to communicate as freely as what I am accustomed to…especially on the evenings and weekends. It was easier before she knew….I had more of him because he wasn’t cushioning everything against her reaction. Yesterday he called me and told me it was just a quick check in…he wanted to hear my voice and know I was safe as I was traveling. He told me to expect a real call from later, that I would hear from him again. I never did. I got a text message that said he had compromised….that he wasn’t calling me but he was texting me. I felt cold as if he wasn’t the one who compromised….it was me who was compromised. For the second time in as many days he broke a trust with me. The one I trust more than anyone else…the very person I must completely trust just to insure my ability to submit to him had broken that trust two times. I emailed him……..

“I know I was upset when you didn’t call me and I can explain that. You have never let me down before, not ever. Right now it seems like my emotions are of very little importance to you in the grand scheme of things and I suppose that only makes sense because ‘wife’ pulls rank. I expected to hear from you today again not because I felt entitled to it but because you, my Dom, my Owner said that I would. I expected to sit down and have soup w/ you the other night not because I needed more ‘wind down’ time or because I felt entitled to that extra time with you but because you said that we would. I need to know that I can trust you, THAT is why this has worked so well between us. If I can’t trust you to do what you say to me I can’t trust you to take care of me emotionally. Right now I feel as if that isn’t your priority and of course it isn’t but at least I need to know that you aren’t just saying to me what I want to hear and then letting me down. Please…please don’t say I will hear from you if I won’t…and please don’t plan time with me if you can’t. It builds me up and gives me strength only to be let down. I know how hard this is, on you and on her. You say it is worth it. And maybe to you it is. Right now to me, it is hard. I don’t have good feelings right now about this. I feel sort of let go by you to fend for myself and I am not good with this. You know even more than I do that what I give you takes so much from me. Maybe there is something to be said for you and I slowing all this down to an almost ‘halt’ to give her time to get used to it. I know that I can’t intensify my level of submission to you and the pain I take from you but have the emotional support decreased. THAT is exactly what has happened and it has left me feeling pulled apart and vulnerable. I don’t like it. I can’t do it this way. You said today you compromised by TM me instead of calling me. Fine except you said…I will call you later today. Coming off of Friday I should have been able to talk to you today like you said I would. It makes me sad that you are so able to forget my needs…sad and happy at the same time. Happy because the less you put into me the more you have to give her…and that is where your life and future is, and that is where your energy should go. I am learning that lesson right now in my own way.”

And I am. I know that there are relationships for me that I am withholding myself from because I have Richard. Because he meets that emotional need and physical need in my life. Because it was enough- Now it is less…and it makes wonder if I am doing the right thing. I do not really want to be the one who makes his marriage better…not if I am losing parts of what I have with him. I am his submissive…but with that comes the knowledge that my needs as his submissive must be considered and met. I acknowledge things have changed…I am not feeling the same. I want to believe this is temporary…the potential between he and I with her knowing looks bright. I know we have some adventures ahead but it won’t work, it can’t work if the basic element of trust is gone. Where will that leave me…when trust is broken I see it differently. It changes my level of submission….it leaves me in that scary place where I do not know if the cost is too high or if it is worth waiting out.

S/M

Two moments

Two Moments –

Friday had finally arrived.  pixie and I were full of anticipation, and
nervousness, and excitement, with just a touch of worry.  Would it be
different now that it wasn’t a secret?  Were the changes taking place
going to have a negative effect on us, on our relationship, on the way we
interact?  We would not have to wait long to find out….

I was really more anxious than you were, wasn’t I Sir? Still wondering if you would still feel the same. Would you still need me and want to dominate me with the same intensity that we had shared in the past. I think anytime something is ‘too perfect’ any amount of change causes stress. Change can be good..but we all know it isn’t always good.

pixie came out of the bathroom, all girly and nervous.  We started into a
daddy/little girl fantasy.  Very nice.  She is perfect, so tiny, small
voiced, dressed perfectly for the part.  But that is not what I am writing
about.

Why did we both mention this scene but neither of us elaborated on it. It really was amazing. Anytime I get to be your little girl…sigh. There I go..making myself all hot and bothered. My favorite memory of that part of the night was when I was standing in front of you. You were kneeling down and talking to me in that voice you save for your little girl. “Use your fingers and open your little cunt for me…show daddy what he wants to see.” Remember Sir? But I guess we aren’t talking about that..lol. 🙂

We reached a point where pixie was naked from the waist down, kneeling on
the floor between my feet.  Her blouse was open and her bra unhooked.  A
thick black rope was tied around her neck, the end laying loosely on the
floor.  It was there just to make her feel owned, and it allowed me to
occasionally pull it tight as a reminder.  I reached down  between her
legs and touched her clit.  She asked me if she could cum, moving her hips
against my finger.  I said, “yes you can cum, but I want you to try as
hard as you can not to, while I try as hard as I can to make you.”  I
continued whispering in her ear:  “don’t think about my finger, that will
make you cum.  You should try to think about something else.  Don’t think
about the time we went to the beach and stayed at our special place,  don’t think about the day we went sailing.  Don’t think about the trip back in the
car, when I had the vibrating balls in your cunt and made you leave a big
wet stain on the seat of your car.  You need to think about something
else.  Don’t think about the time I first put you on the cross.  Don’t
think about the first time I put a vibrator up your ass.”  I kept this up,
constantly reminding her of all the fantastic times we had had together,
all the erotic, sensual moments, while telling her not to think of them,
to think of something else, to try not to cum.  When she finally went over
the edge, it was quite an orgasm, to say the least.  This is where we need
pixie to provide her fabulous word pictures of how it made her feel.  I
simply cannot do justice to it.  I can only say that the game, telling her
to try not to cum, telling her NOT to think about these erotic moments,
all the while whispering them in her ear and stroking her, was incredible fun.

Fun? Oh yes…lots of fun. What a word though to describe all that. I have never been convinced that people can have orgasms without physical stimulation..I know that I have had close encounters where your words seemingly placed me over the edge. Once I had an orgasm from a bite on the back of my neck…on this day though I realized that yes- you was stroking my clit in that perfect rhythm that you  know so well but it was really your voice that made me cum. It was seductive and demanding…so full of gentle warnings it hit me like a caress all over my body. I was part of your hand , part of your voice and it all came together to pull this intense orgasm out of me. It left me shaken. I remember feeling so warmed by your words that when they finally ceased the sense of loss was difficult to move past. I am so auditory…your voice and your words do me in everytime. Not to look past the pure imagery of the scene. I was partially nude and kneeling in front of you…that heavy black rope anchoring me to the floor. Thank you for knowing just what I needed.

Later – imagine pixie hogtied, on her stomach hands tied to her feet.  She
has her butt plug inserted, but it is too small, a toy really, and it
wants to pop out, so I ran a rope around her stomach, down between her
legs, back up to the one around her waist, and returning back between her
legs.  One line ran on each side of her clit.  I began to run the
Whartonburg wheel around her thighs, her butt, near her cunt.  Suddenly,
she began to buck and thrash, and just had an amazing orgasm without me
touching her.  I just chuckled softly, and said “wow, where did THAT come
from?”  Such a surprise, and such a pleasure, to see her so restrained,
and yet managing with her own body movements to pull out an orgasm from the situation.  I just loved it.

SIR!! I don’t believe you just told everyone my little butt plug kept popping out. Its a horrid little thing anyway and I find it almost frustrating when it is inside me. It is small enough to give me that little bit of stimulation but not big enough to give me the same feeling that your wonderful cock does. 🙂

The rope really was something. It was perfectly positioned so it cradled my clit and as you rocked me I knew in a moment that I was going to cum. The sensation of the wheel sparked something and it just exploded. I loved it. But remmeber my head had turned the wheel into a knife, I thought you were running the knife along my bottom and against my cunt. Of course I am going to cum..I was terrified..the good kind of terrified where I know you are totally in control and you will only hurt me if and when you want to. I accept all of that and was ready for your pain. What a balance between the give and take of what we share. I loved being restrained…weak helpless and secure in the knowledge that you wanted to hurt me. The hog-tied part was wonderful, I missed that. I loved that.  I love being pressed down on the bed and having you turn me and pull at me. It was as usual a wonderful evening, wasn’t it?

Can we get a larger butt plug Sir? 🙂

bdsm · collar · control · D/s · irrational thoughts · Liam · Richard · S/M · spanking · sub space

A reminder

“Stop it.” he said at lunch today. “Stop feeling guilty.” His voice was calm and understanding but stern enough to make my head drop just a little.

“I am not sure what is I feel Sir, guilt might not be the right word. There is something there..but I am not sure what it is.”

My handsome Owner sat beside me at a small cafe near his office. I joined him downtown for lunch as I had an appointment not far from there. He knew I wasn’t quite right..I knew I wasn’t quite right but neither of us were sure of what it was that I was feeling. I tried to talk it out.

“You know..it’s like things have shifted just a little. It isn’t bad, it isn’t good. I think change is just hard for me.” He let me go on. He does that. He’ll just listen to me and sometimes as I talk I realize that I am solving my own problems..that I can talk myself into a corner or sometimes in a circle until there is either no answer or the answer is perfectly clear directly in front of me.

“You smell incredible..it is taking everything I have to not bury my face in your neck.”

“Uh..what?” I said blushing a little and looking up at him realizing that as I spoke about how I was feeling he had moved a little past me and was focusing on all the things he wanted to do to me. That is when I felt guilty….sitting with my Owner having a delicious lunch and there I was creating dramas because of my own insecurities.

“It is hard to sit this close to you and not touch you..pull you on my lap or over my knee.”

He smiled at me and leaned in closer, our legs were close together beneath the table and he was the handsomest man in the room. Sometimes when we are sitting close to together like that I can do nothing but imagine him touching me or taking me….hurting me. He looked so happy and it thrilled me that I was a part of that, that I was able to offer him at least some of the strength and the encouragement he needed to stop living behind the shadow of what everyone else wanted or needed him to be. I loved that the shadows were gone from his face and that his eyes looked more settled. There was a place for the real Richard at home….he just needed to create it. And now that he has done so everyone involved is wondering how the fall out is going to alter the respective relationships. The good and the bad.

I see the changes in him and L. Good changes. I know he is spending a lot of time reassuring her, loving her and she is being more loving and supportive of him. He couldn’t have dreamt it would go better than this. I think that this entire revelation is bringing them back around to some semblance of a loving committed relationship. He is happier…the guilt is gone, the hiding is gone. She is starting to see me as a safety net of sorts…and those are her words. The devil you know I suppose…..I think she is confident at last that I am not a threat to her marriage.

I am not a threat to her marriage. Yes, I love her husband, I would do anything for him, allow him to do anything to me but it ends there and we both know it. We have both always known it. I am his submissive, his pet., his toy. And yes we have blurred those lines…I am his confidante, his muse, his lover…I play as many roles in his life as he does in mine. Yet wife will never be one of them, girlfriend either. I do not want to be his wife..he has showed me all the reasons why that would never work and I showed him even more. We are what we are to each other and isn’t that wonderful? As much as I love him what we have is so much better than anything else. I have gained so much from him…he is helping me navigate through some pretty tough relationships and as he does so he is keeping my feet on the ground.

I am also trying to maintain the correct head space. I need to keep it right on that spot within my self where I know I am completely Owned. I want to ignore the feelings that make me feel bad, or lonely or scared of losing him although I know he would not give me up even if she asked him to. She even said to him that she knew he would never give me up. So I understand why she would say I am a safety net for her. After all if he has me he won’t go looking for someone else, someone who may be a threat to her world.

Richard is encouraging a meeting between she and I. I know she has a ton of questions for me. She wants to learn more about me and what it means to be submissive. She has accepted me for the most part into her husbands life. I can hardly believe that. Richard hopes for a time where all of this feels natural and casual..I mean can you imagine the possibilities? I told him I imagined being called over to serve them both….make dinner for them only to be told to kneel by his side as they eat together…lol. Of course that is all just idle chatter. 🙂

“You just do not understand it, do you?” I looked at him curiously noticing the serious tone that had entered his voice.

“Get what Sir?” His eyes swept over me and pulled me in and I knew what he was going to say. I could feel it.

“How I feel about you, what you, what this, what you give me means to me. I know you are feeling the changes here but you are worried for nothing. Do you trust me to give you what you need?”

“Yes Sir.” And I truly did.

“And do you trust me to take what it is I need from you?”

“Yes Sir.” I answered him starting to feel better…realizing that I needed his words. His dominance was reminding me it is never appropriate to doubt him. Never appropriate to allow myself to become unbalanced in this more clearly defined role he has given me within his life. In my eyes the ambiquity has been removed from our relationship…in time, once I am used to the slight shift and the world doesn’t seem to be spinning so fast this will be good for me. I have a feeling that the leash will tighten and I will find myself more intensely connected to him.

“Remember what I told you. You need to feel my hand on you all the time, don’t you? At your throat, around your neck. Know that even when I am not with you, even when I am not talking to you I am thinking about you, loving you, needing you. I Own you. You are my property and I will not leave you wanting.”

“Look at me.” I did and he went on. “Now smile for your Owner, this is all good. You are thinking that there are going to be restrictions and limits coming from her and that isn’t going to happen. Can you not understand why I must tread gently with her right now…allow her to feel a part of this. Even just as a courtesy to know when I am seeing you and where? You are entitled to privacy from her within our relationship and I will make sure you have that.”

I looked down at his hand so close to my own and wanted to bury my face in it..I wanted to drop down to my knees and lay my head in his lap. I was upset about a few things and was determined to not burden him with my thoughts. He knows me, recognizes my moods and questioned me until I told him how I was feeling.

“I am so happy with where we are…it’s like you said. ‘Pinch me and lets see if this is a dream.’ I can hardly believe that we are sitting here across the street having lunch together right out in the open..I can’t believe that you picked up the phone an hour ago and told L I was meeting you for lunch..and that she was alright with it. But all those things are changes and change bothers me a little.”

“I know pet.” he said. His voice encouraged me to continue.

“I know that the two of you are discussing me and some of the limitations she would like to see placed on our relationship and on our meetings. I see you as such a Dominant and this almost seems as if you need approval from L.” He smiled at me again because we both knew that wasn’t how it had been at all. L requested that he see me once a month and Richard refused. “Impossible.” he said “Pixie is a submissive and she needs more than that.” I think then a twice a month was placed on the table and then once a week. Right now we are at a sanctified twice a week deal. One evening and one lunch/long afternoon. I am pleased with this. I know that Richard can take from me what he needs within that agreed upon time frame…plus it is more than I expected to have of him. Another plus..he renewed the lease once again on our apartment. So the apartment we were only going to have for 3 months turned into six…and now it seems we are good for nine. Richard told L about the apartment. That shocked me…I admire him for his honesty. He has really put it all out on the table…and has given her the chance to stay with him and know him for who he truly is. I am amazed at her level of commitment to him. In awe really…because I could not do what it is she is doing.

So with all that said I was trying hard to put to words why I was feeling like I needed reassurance. Earlier that day he was telling me about something that he and L were discussing that morning. Richard and I make a point to talk every morning on the phone. We find ourselves driving into our offices at the same time and I enjoy that time with him over the phone. Often I find it sets the tone for my day. In an off handed comment he repeated something to me that L had said and he told me …” and I went to her and put my arms around her..” the comment went on I think but my brain stopped at that. I told him that I was his biggest fan…that I wanted nothing more than for him and L to be happy together. I have actually started to see one of my roles with my Owner to be supportive of him and his primary relationship. For this to work for him I need to keep my ‘pet’ hat on. I am finding that I need to work on that more.

Yet those words stayed with me and he pressed me to tell him why I looked sad. “It felt different when I knew you were unhappy. When I knew you couldn’t stand the thought of going home when she was there because it was so bad….it is harder for me knowing that I am causing pain there when things aren’t bad, when things are better.”

He interrupted me.
“It’s hard for you knowing that you aren’t the only one making me happy. Right? I understand that. I know how my words touch you sometimes and I am sorry those words hurt you. I am caught between you wanting to know how we are at home and you not wanting to know. I need to tell you enough so your imagination doesn’t make it worse but not enough so that you feel hurt.”

And that is where this all started….”Stop feeling guilty.” he told me.

We finished our lunch. I felt better. I think I just needed to know that I had a place, that he understood that even as I supported his efforts to provide the necessary emotional support that L needed that I still needed to know that I was needed too. As I stood there beside him so he could pay our bill he told me he loved me…that he needed to take me back to his office building. I didn’t say anything. I followed him in silence back across the street to the towering building where he works. I admired his confident step as we brushed past the security guards and he told them I was with him..that I would only be staying a moment. I followed him and he pulled me down a deserted hallway.

“Turn around, let me see what you have under that pretty dress. Are you wearing your new panties….the black lace ones I gave you?” He held my face against the wall and pulled my skirt up with one hand. His hand delivered a hard series of smacks on my bottom. My Owner was spanking me right in the middle of hallway in one of the biggest buildings in the city. It was a hard spanking. He yanked my skirt back down and roughly turned me around me around pressing me hard against he wall, his hand buried in my hair.

“Now…don’t you ever doubt you are needed….or loved. Do not doubt that you give me something that nobody else ever has and that nobody else ever could. I Own you…you are doubting me and I won’t have it. You were insolent earlier today…I won’t have that either. Now you need a good spanking every day to keep you on track but that is impossible. Carry this with you…my hands on your body, taking what I need from you. That is all you need to worry about..that I am taking what I need, getting what I need. Do you understand me?” his hand tightened in my hair before letting me go.

“Yes Sir. ” I whispered to him …a little shaky, a little dazed. He pulled me from the wall and pushed me slightly towards the restroom in the hallway that I hadn’t noticed before. “Go pull yourself together so that you can drive.”

“Yes Sir.” I said walking into the bathroom. I don’t remember going in or what I did. I remember him standing there happy when I walked out. Again, the urge to drop to my knees in front of him was strong. I hated that I doubted myself and my ability to handle all the changes that really aren’t changes after all. I loved that he was able to so wonderfully pull me back on track and leave me feeling Owned and loved.

Tonight as I sit here I am smiling. I am happy with where we are, even happier in my role as his pet and sooo happy that he knows that I will have ups and downs. And that he will support me through them both.

bondage · breast torture · caning · D/s · daddy/little girl · knife play · pain slut · pixies pictures · restraints · Richard · S/M

Friday night

rope.jpg

Friday night was amazing. In my mind it has somehow chopped itself up into small distinguishable parts that ultimately come back together. We were relaxed with each other..I was positively giddy just being with him. I knew he had plans for me, plans that could quite possibly give me some of the hard pain that I so desired from him…the type of pain that he had been hesitant to deliver because of my experience with Liam. The feeling was in the air that I had been nurtured enough…

So much happened. I love the way he and I flow together. We play off of each others moods and needs and we realize they can change in any given moment. The evening started out innocently enough. I asked permission to freshen up in the bathroom of the apartment. He of course granted my request and gave one of his own. He asked me to not undress just yet. I had come directly from my office and still wore a small skirt and button down top and sweater…not quite school girlish but close. Close enough to put thoughts in my Owner’s head. 🙂

I emerged from the bathroom and he was standing there at the door. He grabbed my arm and pressed me against the kitchen wall. He kissed me…he asked me how school was going…if I had left my backpack at school? Uh-oh…I knew where this was going and right away felt my cunt clench involuntarily.

“How is daddy’s little girl?” he asked me standing closer to me, making me feel smaller than I even am. ”

All this led to one of the hottest daddy/little girl moments between us…it was perfect. I just don’t feel like writing about it right now….but it led us to what is on my mind right now.

Afterwards we were laying together..breathing together and just feeling lost in the moment. Above me some ropes had slipped sown from the high backboard of our bed. I knew he had them secured tight…tight enough to hold me. I was on my back and he was by my side with his arms wrapped tightly around me. I wiggled away and reached playfully for the rope. We just talked softly to each other for a few minutes and as we did I played with the ropes…eventually winding them into the metal clasps of my wrists restraints. Richard laughed at me and fixed the knot so he could tighten the rope and lift my arms straight over my head. He straddled me and looked down into my face. I felt his hands brush my skin and pull through my hair…his fingers resting on my nipples before pulling them hard. Playtime was over. He has large hands and my breasts hide beneath them….he is rough as he pulls and presses into my body..his fingers leaving dark and red smudges against my white skin. I am moaning aloud at the pain and the pleasure of it. I like when he handles me this way..love that the laughter is gone from his face and the intense…concentrating look is there..the one that whispers he is going to hurt me…that I should be ready because I am His and that he can do anything to me..anything at all to my body. It is that face that tells me I am his slut, his cunt and that he will make use of me in anyway he desires. I am his..his words and his look tell me that.

His hands were hurting me..I felt the pulses of his fingertips with the pounding of my own blood in my ears. I get so eager right before I know he is going to hurt me..my body jumps at it sensing that something deep within me needs this, needs him to somehow feel centered and complete.

I loved the pull of my own weight on my wrists and I loved feeling it in my back and my shoulders. He had tightened the rope so my head wasn’t fully making contact with the bed beneath me. As hard as that was I liked it because it tilted my head back..allowing him access to my throat and my neck. I knew the knife was still somewhere near the bed and he wouldn’t hesitate to hold it at my throat, to drag it between my breasts creating a tiny bloody path to my cunt…as I leaned towards sub space I half hoped he wouldn’t….yet half longed to feel the cold metal against the delicate softness of my neck.

The warm feelings of being totally vulnerable and at his mercy were thick around me..I can get quite lost in feeling that helpless. The knife never reappeared. He left me for a moment and opened the cabinet close to the bed. He straddled me again and showed me what he was holding.

“I love this cane.” he said in a matter of fact voice. The one that tells me he is detaching parts of himself from me..almost like he needs to pull away slightly from the love we share and focus on giving me the pain that he needs me to take in order to satisfy that drive inside himself. Only I know that he does not..that our deep emotional connection is what makes this possible. Love is not a hindrance to his sadistic brutality rather for me and with me it is a catalyst, it is what feeds the exchange. Now that I recognize it for what it is…I crave that from him. I know that beneath everything he does to me he does it never forgetting that he loves me, that he is responsible for me, that into his hands the safekeeping of another person has been delivered. That makes me feel taken…completely taken and engulfed by his need as my own need to feel pain, to feel vulnerability and helplessness is met. He has never let me down..it is amazing that we meet each others needs so perfectly.

As I write this I think back to a comment that was made by a reader about being a true submissive..I think it said something about a person not being a true submissive if they wanted their own needs met. It is so clear to me…being submissive is my need. So aren’t I in fact meeting my needs just be giving myself to Richard? (Duh…) And by that definition there would be a lot of lost submissives…it is a circular. I wouldn’t be there if I didn’t grow from it, if I didn’t crave it and need it and desire it and him so.

But anyway…

The cane started tapping on my right breast. He still held my nipple…pulling it away from my body stretching the already tight skin out so it was almost taunt. He talked to me..he said so many things…sometimes I feel the need to not leave his words out here for all to read. Sometimes I type them and selfishly delete them only to wrap them all back around me and keep them all to myself. Words are like magic when he covers me with them…almost like small secret thoughts that only I can see…that only I can understand. I love being that safe place for him…it reminds me of his own vulnerabilities and makes me love him even more.

The cane was relentless. Richard brought it down across my breasts over and over. His other hand had left my nipple to play in my cunt…as asked him if I could please touch myself. He allowed me to…and I surged forward in my desire when his hand was free to come back to my breasts. In all the time I have known Richard…this was the most severe caning he had ever given me on my breasts. My body was there the entire time…my mind was aware of the pain but somehow it was filtered. The noise of the cane was somehow louder than it’s bite. The ache, the sting, the tearing hot feeling of wood against soft skin was ever present yet somehow my mind made it into pleasure. I felt nothing but alive…tingling with sparks of light and desire and hot need as the cane brutally snapped against my skin. I heard his voice..I heard him exclaiming that he couldn’t believe that I was taking it for him…and then it came down harder and faster and still I didn’t resit. I knew somewhere in my head that I should be in agony..that the swing of the cane should be making me scream and twist and pull away…yet it did not. At one point he dropped the cane and I begged him for more…I didn’t want him to stop. The energy of him getting what he needed was all around me..we were feeding from each other. Like sustenance. I could have taken anything from him at that point..given him anything..allowed him to do anything he wanted.

When he stopped again this time he ignored my plea for more…he said he risked taking me past what was good for me. I remember whimpering into his shoulder as he untied me…and I remembered him gathering me close to him and his grip on me damp body was so tight. We give each other this. This wonderful ‘thing’ that is impossible to write about as it can’t be fully captured using words. I haven’t the ability to get it just write…to put you there like I wish I could. It is visceral and elusive…and I can only hope that those of you have felt it understand it and those of you who don’t can try and see how it all falls together. What makes it flow and dance as if the best and the darkest in each of us has somehow found it’s match.

I know he held me for a long, long time. He always does when he knows I need it…he has too. That is why he and I will never again attempt a quick afternoon meeting involving pain…it takes more from me than it leaves me with. It damages me and being the Dominant that he is…he will never damage me.

I want to write more about this night…and I will. I have been out of town this weekend and am finally home. Home and exhausted. I think I am meeting my Owner for lunch tomorrow….it is past my bedtime and I feel it. Goodnight for now…