bdsm · bondage · D/s · dating · irrational thoughts · Liam · Life in general · life lessons · love · M. · Richard · S/M · Seasonal Affective Disorder · Seasonal Depression

thinking through my fingers

I think sometimes about all the different relationships that I read about. All the talented and open bloggers that share so much of themselves and their lives with this small accepting community fascinate me. The readers and lurkers who frequent here all have different reasons for reading about my own experience. I love hearing from you….getting to know you through your own blogs and through the comments you offer here is nothing short of amazing. I see such a broad spectrum of this thing called D/s…or BDSM..or whatever people call it in their own lives. So many interpretations…so many different fascinating dynamics….all accepted here.

I am a masochist. Unapologetically so. Without question Richard is a sadist, before Richard.. Mark was definitely a sadist. I learned so much from him. I do well with sadists. I imagine that I wouldn’t do well with a man who just wanted to dominate me sexually. A man who wanted to be totally in control in (and out) of the bedroom where somewhat appealing…just wouldn’t cut it for me. I think a certain amount of pain is needed for me to be at my best mentally. Physically the bad just turns good and the pain is transformed into something shatteringly intense. I knew it from my very first erotic spanking. I plan on writing about that first time spanking one of these days. 😉It is funny to think of myself as just being wired that way…though I believe it to be true. Do I have some webby of fragile neurons that are sparking sporadically that can only be reconnected through receiving pain? Certainly possible I guess. Don’t worry…I’m not needing to devote an entire post on the ‘whys’ of my own submission. I have that pretty much figured out. I am just being reflective..imagine that..lol. 😉

I also think about what my submission means to be. I see it as so much a part of who I am. Although it isn’t something that I can easily announce to the outside world… in my heart I have accepted it just as I have accepted other aspects of my personality. I would never change being submissive. I would change that I lose my temper sometimes..and I would change that I have this sensitivity that drives my Owner crazy. I would change that. I wouldn’t change being submissive. You know there are actual sex therapists out there who feel as if D/s is abnormal…that with enough counseling and self reflection (battering) that a person can overcome these strong urges and change? I think that is laughable…not that there isn’t a place for a sex therapist. If D/s threatened to consume your life…just like anything there is probably room for moderation through self motivation. There are people who excessively masturbate and people who are just addicted to sex (kinky or otherwise). Fine….as long as you can still support yourself and not be a burden on society. J

I don’t think the post is going anywhere, just thinking out loud so to speak. I am restless tonight…but lack inspiration to write erotically. I haven’t seen Richard in a few days. I think I have been giving him some space and I know he is annoyed with me. I could have seen him today but didn’t…I plan on seeing him tomorrow but already I wonder if I should. I haven’t seen him since New Years Eve morning. I am struggling right now with some things. I don’t know if I need more or less of him and it varies in my heart on any given day. There are days where I wake up with Liam on my mind and I fight the urge to reach out to him. We spent time together (as friends) over the Holiday and I notice my feelings for him when the pressure is gone. I am not feeling pressured to make it work out with him from Richard anymore and I am not being pressured by Liam to explore my submission with him. We are taking some time just to be friends. I like that. Richard has set some pretty understandable restrictive limits for Liam and I and I feel supported in my relationship with him.

And just as I wake up with Liam on my mind it is usually Richard that I think about as I try to fall asleep at night. Sleep has become pretty elusive to me. Last night I slept from about 11 to 2:30 and was up the rest of the night. Tonight…well it is already ten and I am starting to feel sleepy but I know the heavy feeling will leave me as soon as I crawl into bed. I suffer from seasonal depression though I am finding that my symptoms are far less severe now that I am living back down south. Northern Winters are Hell….and I will never, ever subject myself to such conditions again. But already…the days are growing longer. According to the calendar I am headed out of this slight yearly slump. Maybe I just need a good beating. 🙂 Richard insisted I buy a grow light and that has been is surprisingly helpful. I am still five feet tall…and sadly I still wear the same bra size but I am dealing with SAD better. J

I never officially wished everyone a Happy New Year….so Happy New Year to everyone. I hope you get all you need in the coming year and at least one of your most precious and most secret heart desires come true.

14 thoughts on “thinking through my fingers

  1. Sweet dreams, pixie..i feel the same way as you express about the bloggers..when i first started blogging, it was at direction from Master..to distract me from annoying Him at work, i suspect!

    But now i find it to be a good friend…a place to sort out my thoughts and feelings and see them in white and black…and it fascinates me the number of people who read…i don’t know if they get anything from my ramblings as so few comment, but i do find it has changed as i become more aware of the reader. i still blog primarily for Master but also to sort out the internal chatter.

    Thanks for sharing a bit of the process as you sort thru your feelings and await the next chapter.

    s/nik

  2. Pixie I wish you a wonderful and Happy New Year. Full of many “new” and “exciting” adventures. I wish safety for you and peace in your heart. I have enjoyed your blogs so and although I have not written lately, I plan to get back to it soon, needing some time off for a bit. You have been an inspiration in so many ways. Take care and be well!!!!! There are many who care for you!!!
    Hugs,
    Rose

  3. Your thoughts are lovely to read Pixie. Even though I have only read your blog for a few weeks now, I find that you always make me think and reflect, in such a positive way.

    I think that more readers should comment on the blogs they read. I for one was too shy to comment before, but Sensei has insisted that I show support to those that blog so well, and inspire me so much in my own doings! So here I am!

    I hope that this New Year is inspiring for you. I hope that you continue to be the valuable addition to this community that you are! 🙂

    Much Love,
    Hidenka

  4. It goes without saying little pixie what your blog means to me and my A. It has become sort of an instruction manual for us both. I will instruct A to read parts of your blog aloud at times to make sure she understands the significance of what it is you are expressing. I have learned from your blog. I have grown as a Dominant by reading about your submission.
    You are truly an assett to this community and I hope you never stop writing as it is always obvious that your writings are reflections of who you are. They aren’t written for ‘us’ they are written for you.

  5. Happy New Year to you Pixie. I simply adore your blog,and you are such a good writer. Its incredibly evocative and I like it. Your relationship with Richard has taught me so much about a lifestyle I knew nothing about before. So,thanks!

  6. That line about your height and your boobs made me laugh. You are a delightful blogger, and i really enjoy reading all of your posts, the erotic ones and the general ramblings like this one.

    i sympathize with your insomnia – i suffer with it myself, and am really dragging this morning. i went to bed early – 9 pm – but then was wide awake before 2. i got a little bit more this morning, but it doesn’t count as a real night’s sleep…

  7. pixie, I agree – you get the best comments on the web – your readers are the best. I may be biased but your writing is the best too. 🙂

    now, about that space you seem to be giving me that has me “annoyed” – and I offer this up as advice to all submissives because I suspect there are many Doms out there that are wired like I am. I have told you many times, I have two ways of looking at the world: the first is let’s do it my way; when that fails the second is ‘whatever.’ When YOU decide to put space between us, you push my ‘whatever’ button, and space becomes a self-sustaining, self-fulfilling event. When you put space between us you are standing on my turf, doing my job. My job is hard enough [except when it is really easy 🙂 ] without me having to fight you for the steering wheel. I think our conversation this a.m. has gotten us back on track in this regard.

    As for Liam, I may have a whole post in my head about how he and I have come to some sort of an understanding, and how he is hoping that in the few weeks he has left before he leaves he can re-establish some trust with you, and with me. He is on his best behaviour and has had a positive effect on you over the holidays. I like that.

    Lastly, if that grow light increases your bra size, let me know – I can take that idea straight to the bank, lol. Seriously, I am pleased you feel a change for the better. I think the good beating I have in store for you will definitely improve your outlook as well. Happy New Year to you, my pet.

  8. Pixie,

    Thank you so much for writing. Your willingness to share your experiences in such an open, honest way is inspiring.

    Best of luck to you (and you, Richard!) in the New Year!

    – Kitten

  9. I love this post. Rambling and reflective and quiet. It’s how we really get to know you best. It’s when you show yourself to the world and claim this place as your own. Not merely the reflections of intense moments.

    All relationships need time and space sometimes. “Fighting for the steering wheel” as Richard puts it amuses me. Natural ebb and flow of time and communication and moods. As he also saw based on a conversation- it seems to be back.

  10. Happy New Year to you Pixie. I do hope there are enough stars out there for all of our wishes to come true…

  11. i have no idea where what Daddy and i do will take me. sometimes i see parallels with you, and sometimes i think we’re miles apart (in your favor, darling).
    either way, i never feel like i know what the fuck i’m doing with Daddy or my blog. and anytime i do feel like i’ve taken a step ahead, in school, with Daddy, in work, or any other damn aspect of my life, i end up taking 8 steps back…
    i’m grumpy and feeling dejected, but, as always, keep writing and sharing.
    you do more good than you know.
    laani

  12. Hello sweetie… being sick and the holidays have kept me away. I am back. Happy New Year. I have missed you. When I was going thru couples therapy with my last ex, she said, “I can help you two get thru anything, unless of course, you desire to be be hurt, I don’t support D/s” We were doomed from the beginning.. lol…

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