I think sometimes about all the different relationships that I read about. All the talented and open bloggers that share so much of themselves and their lives with this small accepting community fascinate me. The readers and lurkers who frequent here all have different reasons for reading about my own experience. I love hearing from you….getting to know you through your own blogs and through the comments you offer here is nothing short of amazing. I see such a broad spectrum of this thing called D/s…or BDSM..or whatever people call it in their own lives. So many interpretations…so many different fascinating dynamics….all accepted here.
I am a masochist. Unapologetically so. Without question Richard is a sadist, before Richard.. Mark was definitely a sadist. I learned so much from him. I do well with sadists. I imagine that I wouldn’t do well with a man who just wanted to dominate me sexually. A man who wanted to be totally in control in (and out) of the bedroom where somewhat appealing…just wouldn’t cut it for me. I think a certain amount of pain is needed for me to be at my best mentally. Physically the bad just turns good and the pain is transformed into something shatteringly intense. I knew it from my very first erotic spanking. I plan on writing about that first time spanking one of these days. 😉It is funny to think of myself as just being wired that way…though I believe it to be true. Do I have some webby of fragile neurons that are sparking sporadically that can only be reconnected through receiving pain? Certainly possible I guess. Don’t worry…I’m not needing to devote an entire post on the ‘whys’ of my own submission. I have that pretty much figured out. I am just being reflective..imagine that..lol. 😉
I also think about what my submission means to be. I see it as so much a part of who I am. Although it isn’t something that I can easily announce to the outside world… in my heart I have accepted it just as I have accepted other aspects of my personality. I would never change being submissive. I would change that I lose my temper sometimes..and I would change that I have this sensitivity that drives my Owner crazy. I would change that. I wouldn’t change being submissive. You know there are actual sex therapists out there who feel as if D/s is abnormal…that with enough counseling and self reflection (battering) that a person can overcome these strong urges and change? I think that is laughable…not that there isn’t a place for a sex therapist. If D/s threatened to consume your life…just like anything there is probably room for moderation through self motivation. There are people who excessively masturbate and people who are just addicted to sex (kinky or otherwise). Fine….as long as you can still support yourself and not be a burden on society. J
I don’t think the post is going anywhere, just thinking out loud so to speak. I am restless tonight…but lack inspiration to write erotically. I haven’t seen Richard in a few days. I think I have been giving him some space and I know he is annoyed with me. I could have seen him today but didn’t…I plan on seeing him tomorrow but already I wonder if I should. I haven’t seen him since New Years Eve morning. I am struggling right now with some things. I don’t know if I need more or less of him and it varies in my heart on any given day. There are days where I wake up with Liam on my mind and I fight the urge to reach out to him. We spent time together (as friends) over the Holiday and I notice my feelings for him when the pressure is gone. I am not feeling pressured to make it work out with him from Richard anymore and I am not being pressured by Liam to explore my submission with him. We are taking some time just to be friends. I like that. Richard has set some pretty understandable restrictive limits for Liam and I and I feel supported in my relationship with him.
And just as I wake up with Liam on my mind it is usually Richard that I think about as I try to fall asleep at night. Sleep has become pretty elusive to me. Last night I slept from about 11 to 2:30 and was up the rest of the night. Tonight…well it is already ten and I am starting to feel sleepy but I know the heavy feeling will leave me as soon as I crawl into bed. I suffer from seasonal depression though I am finding that my symptoms are far less severe now that I am living back down south. Northern Winters are Hell….and I will never, ever subject myself to such conditions again. But already…the days are growing longer. According to the calendar I am headed out of this slight yearly slump. Maybe I just need a good beating. 🙂 Richard insisted I buy a grow light and that has been is surprisingly helpful. I am still five feet tall…and sadly I still wear the same bra size but I am dealing with SAD better. J
I never officially wished everyone a Happy New Year….so Happy New Year to everyone. I hope you get all you need in the coming year and at least one of your most precious and most secret heart desires come true.