I am the very worst type of submissive. I have stumbled in almost every aspect of my submission in the past 18 hours. I think that submission, that giving of myself, taking what I need to take to please my Owner is all of a sudden too difficult. In the past I only associated my submission with good feelings. The pain, the release, the wonder of all the feeling associated with the taking of pain and a total power exchange has only ever left me amazed. Right now I am struggling.
Yesterday I saw Richard. We had about an hour together. I had an afternoon meeting and he needed to get back to his office as well. So we had an hour. There are only so many emotions that one can experience in an hour. I may have possibly experienced them all. Typically my pain tolerance is fairly high. I know that I prefer my D/s experiences to be intense. I also know that like so many submissives I require a great deal of ‘after care’. I get lost in the feelings, lost in myself and lost in him. I have to. I can’t help it. When I fight that, when I know the pain of the cane or the flogger will be fully felt I struggle. It was like that yesterday. I had no tolerance.
I walked in the door of the apartment and he was already there. I was holding my cell phone in my hand and there was ringing on the other end. I was unsuccessfully attempting to get in touch with my dad. Richard walked right up to me and kissed me. I love how he kisses me. His hands immediately began to unfasten my winter coat (yes…winter coat 29 degrees in NC today…brrrr). His hands swiftly delved beneath the warmth of my sweater to capture my breasts..pinching my nipples hard. I dropped the phone. I really hope my dad never eventually picked up…that would have made for an awkward moment. 🙂
Richard pressed me against the door of the apartment and lifted my arms above my head. He was torturous with my breasts, gentle with his kisses and hard with his words. His hand slipped inside my open pants and he thrusts it deep inside my cunt as he pulled hard and bit at my nipple. He told me to cum, asked if I could cum through the pain. I did.
He told me to remove my pants and boots. He backed away and sat on the bed while I undressed with him. In only my bra and sweater he pulled me down so I knelt in front of him. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his smell. I could have lingered there for the next hour, kneeling there in front of him having his arms holding me. I felt so safe and comforted, like everything was going to be fine. He told me to lift my arms and he pulled my sweater and bra over my head. I love how his hands go up and down my back, how he explores every inch of my skin and how his fingers define every small bone. His hands paid special attention to my neck. He wrapped his hands around my slim neck and held them there exerting only the slightest bit of pressure. It made me tremble, it made me whimper and snuggle closer to him. The feeling that he will do anything to me he pleases is comforting and threatening all at the same time.
He had me suck his cock…but only for a few minutes.
“Your cuffs are on the couch, go get them and put them on.”
It had been a while since Richard restrained me. I wondered what he was planning.
“Stand up and go to your cross.”
Ahhh..the cross. Something else that we haven’t used in awhile. I stood in front of the solid wood and lifted my arms high and allowed him to restrain me spread eagle.
“So helpless…” he whispered. He looked at me and then closed his eyes as if it was almost too overwhelming for him…the beginnings of ‘Dom space’ perhaps? He told me that I was so beautiful. My arms stretched and pulled and I was not able to be fully flat footed. Still, the cross is a favorite of mine. I love the vulnerability of it, how I know I could not possibly get away or get myself down. It leaves me fully at his mercy…a feeling that is erotic in its own right not to mention the pure pain possibilities of being strapped naked to a piece of wood.
I lose touch here a little. I know his fingers played with me…I remember him playing with my cunt and telling me how wet I was. I remember being flogged. Hard. I have a lovely white doeskin flogger that is so heavy. There are really a million ways he can use it. He started slowly but within a few strokes it was snapping at my breasts..my tummy and my legs. I felt it more than usual. Even the softer strokes felt harder. I didn’t know why.
He unbuckled me and turned me around only attaching my legs to the cross. He told me to reach around and spread myself open for him. This is impossible for me to do almost even on a good day, I found it difficult today. Yet my hands slightly spread the cheeks of my bottom apart so he could see, so he could humiliate me in this way that he knows only he can.
“Not good enough, spread them for me further than that. Don’t make me do it, I can spread them further than that.” Not wanting that I opened myself to him the best I could and felt his hand on me. He has away of touching all my spots with one of his hands. He borrowed wetness from my cunt and slipped a finger deep into my exposed ass while rubbing my clit at the same time. While my submission came hard my orgasms did not. When he told me to cum against his finger I already was.
He secured my hands to the cross again and he began flogging my back and my bottom. Hard heavy strokes with the flogger on my body…over and over. I felt need dripping down my leg and I pressed my bottom out towards him like he likes. The flogging got harder until even I was ready for it to stop. It was bone jarring and loud in my head. I felyt spinny and spacey from the pain and until I felt the crack of the cane I didn’t know he had stopped flogging me. This is where it changed for me a bit. I was barely on top of the flogging. Yet it is a tolerable non biting pain. I love being caned. it is my favorite and Richard knows this. Today after the first stroke I knew I couldn’t do it. I felt it again and again and he wasn’t even caning me hard, just taps really. But I felt them. I told him I couldn’t. I told him that I felt myself needing to slip away into my fog and was afraid to. I had no idea what time it was but knew myself well enough to know a lingering stay in sub space would make me miss my afternoon repsonsibilities.
He let me down and told me to kneel on the bed. He put me on my hands and knees. “No more pain.” he said. He put my hands behind my back and tied me to high ropes hidden somehwere high above the bed. He wrapped something hard around my neck..and it slowed my breathing and felt heavy. He leaned me forward so all my weight was on my arms that were pulled behind me. He told me to open my mouth. He said he was going to fuck my mouth I need only to open it for him. It wasn’t like I could move anyway…
He stood in front of me and held my head in his hands as he thrusts inside my mouth. Finally he paused and told me to stick my tongue out. He came on my tongue and in my mouth and told me not to swallow. I wasn’t allowed to swallow yet…he told me that he was going to make me cum and when I came I could swallow. I don’t remember cumming. I don’t remember him untying my or holding me against him. I do remember swallowing oddly enough.
I remember feeling like I was waking up. Feeling warm and safe and so happy by his side. If only it could stay like that. I was coming down…I was almost alert enough to start talking to him. Usually we have so much time together. A debriefing almost. Where I am allowed to come around in a safe place…feel his hands gentle on my body for as long as I need it. Sometimes we have laid there together for hours drifting in and out of each other. Today it was just getting up and getting dressed.
I found myself on the floor my clothes in my hands and I wasn’t sure what to do with them. I smiled inwardly wondering how I was going to function the rest of the day.
I really didn’t. It was a hard afternoon and an impossible night. Made even harder because I knew Richard was going home to someone else to deal with everything there.
I am the worst type of submissive. I am thinking I can’t do it anymore, that it is too hard, that it takes too much from me and leaves me with bad feelings. I haven’t slept. I am up I am down…I am spiraling out of control and do not have enough grounding to pull this back together on my own. I wonder if it is time to stop. I wonder if I will somehow lose it all, all the good feelings associated with my submission if I do not.
I felt broken last night, lost and emotional and sad. But most of all I just felt disconnected, pulled apart somehow as if I had been partially unassembled but not put back together.