S/M

Update

I am quickly leaving my readers with an update before I head out. I am in the mood to dance tonight so that is where I am headed. Sometimes you just have to dance….

Richard told his wife about me.

Just so I do not have to continually call her ‘his wife’ or ‘his spouse’ I will from now on call her ‘L’.

L knows about me.

She knows what I am to Richard and knows pretty much everything we have been doing for the past seven months. I have had limited contact with Richard this weekend. But I received a telephone call from him that started with…”I am sitting here on the couch with L and I needed you to know I am alright…” I feel oddly discontented knowing he was calling me with his wife by his side. Even as we first started to discuss the possibility of him telling L about me I wondered how he would act towards me if ever he had me in the same room with her. I could never stand coldness form him….it would break something inside of me. So when his voice still gentled when he spoke to me I was pleased…he was kind and reassuring and said that we would talk later. He said everything was alright. He asked if I was alright…if I was in bed, he said my voice sounded as if I was in bed. I told him I was. I was wearing his shirt only I didn’t tell him that.

A later text message told me that he was educating her about his needs and mine. I am torn about this. Part of me, a large part of me is amazed..I can’t believe that she knows of my existence. That she is allowing Richard to keep me. All of a sudden I feel more settled in my role as his pet. Is there anything wrong with what we are doing now that it is out in the open? I know it will be a process as she accepts it. I know that it will be slow and that I will have to be sensitive to that. Or maybe that is not my responsibility…I suppose my focus and my main responsibility is still just doing as I am told. Meeting my Owners needs and following his need as I support him through this.

Always, always he thinks of me and he knew I was sick with worry about how his evening was going. I was thrilled when he contacted me. His voice sounded strong…lighter somehow like he had just walked through the worst kind of hell and the other side wasn’t near as bad as what he expected. He said that she asked him to not have contact with me until the two of them figure things out…he refused. He told her that I am a submissive..I need to be connected to him. I think it will take awhile before she understands what submission means..what Dominance means. I know she has started to research the two.

She is allowing him to keep me. I imagine there will be some restrictions. I imagine Richard will choose his battles. His voice sounded lighter for as much as he hated hurting her keeping it from her was harder.

Tonight even as I head out on a (friend) date..I feel Owned. It feels different somehow and I am not sure totally why. Maybe being the ‘secret’ he carried was weighing on me…maybe I felt the weight of it coming from him. Maybe now I just know that the hard part is not really over but we are headed to what may be an easier part of this journey.

It says a lot about her that she is willing to allow this. It is mature and commendable. I am proud of Richard for having the courage to shake it up and throw it all on the table. I meant that much to him. Saving his marriage meant that much to him. There is a possibility that he may be one of the few individuals who could quite possibly have his cake and eat it too.

I know that Richard and I have a long time together now. I will be his until I feel the need to move on or until keeping me is too difficult for him. I think he will still be supportive of me in my efforts to find Mr. Right though I certainly do not feel the need to do that. I am not dating right now per his request and I am fine with that. I need to focus my efforts right now on getting my submission back to where it was…to let go of all of the negative residual feelings that have sort of collected at the base of it for the past few weeks. My goal will be working on myself…feeling good about myself and where I am with my Owner. I need to patiently wait and see how L knowing about me will change Richard’s availability to me. I wonder if she will want to meet me. Of course I will do as I am told…I wonder so many things. I wonder if it is appealing to her to see her Dominant husband in action with his little pet…..I do not know how sexually adventurous she is but she has been married to one of the most sensual men I have ever known longer than the entirety of my life.

Thank you for listening….for commenting..for not being mean to me as I try to explain where I am in all this. I offer a lot to be judged and rarely do I get that. Thank you for your concern about Richard…for your well wishes. I love him, you know..I want him happy. My gift to you is the promise to keep you in the know…as I work on increasing my level of submission to my Owner I will take you with me on my journey. I have a feeling a new path is opening up.

22 thoughts on “Update

  1. I am happy to hear that things are going positively. Just be careful Pixie. L is still learning and dealing with everything… she may finally decide she can’t handle it and even if she agrees to give it a try, she may then decide that she can’t handle it… the journey is still long. I hope it ends in happiness for everyone involved.

  2. WOW…that is a big step forward 🙂
    I hope that everything works out in the best way possible for you…and Richard too.
    I love your blog Pixie and I look forward to each new post. My life is the shits right now (well, it’s true) and it gives me hope that I too will someday find someone to care for me like you have with your Richard. *sigh*

  3. Wow. Power goes out in my world and many things happen. Richard, I admire you greatly that you can take this step. Many could not. Pixie- it shows how much he is connected to you that he is making the efforts to be open and honest with L.

    There will be pain there.

  4. Congratulations are definitely in order! This has shaken my pessimistic view on life to the core! I envisaged heartbreak and despair (as this is my view on life in general) but was pleasantly surprised to find that this is not the case for you both.

    Thankyou for keeping the blog going, you really do not know how much it is helping not just myself, but lots of other people in the D/s exploration…(I do have good news regarding my own voyage into D/s but I will save it for a more appropriate time).

    A new year, a new start, bring on 2008!!!

  5. Let me begin by thanking all of you for your comments, advice, concerns – even those that take me to task for things I have done. As always, it helps somehow.
    And thank you pixie, for being there, for being patient, for handling this last weekend with grace and understanding of my need to leave you alone for those days.
    On this blog I have been very open about my relationship with pixie, and my D/s world. I have said virtually nothing about the other part of my life. That will continue to be the case. I won’t have much to say about it – I hope you understand that.
    I will say this much: right at this moment, it seems that L will allow my relationship with pixie to continue in some form, at some level, all to be discussed, and will not walk out on our marriage. How certain that feels changes from hour to hour. Emotions range from manic anger to complete depression with lots of stops in between. For me it is perhaps easier – I am committed to trying to preserve my marriage, but I am not giving up pixie.
    It is easier for me in other ways as well. What I am, what I have done, does not come as a shock to me. I am sure she wakes up wondering if it was all a bad dream. And, when things get tough, I have pixie to talk to. She has no pixie to talk to. I have given her the name of a kink-friendly counselor. There is much work to be done.
    So please think of her as well:
    “Pancho needs your prayers, it’s true; but save a few for Lefty too.” – Townes Van Zandt

  6. I actually haven’t commented because I felt strange commenting on Pixie’s blog that I feel so incredibly sympathetic to your wife. And I was (am) all for the continuation of your affair. It’s unimaginable to me to confess something like that, I guess you are the better person for it, but what is L supposed to do now? Beyond a shock. You know what else, this is totally selfish I know. If I were you or Pixie I think I would feel so awful for your wife that it would cancel out the pleasure. Guilt for me is managable, but for her to know and have to approve? Sorry, it is difficult for all of you, really, and I still hope it could be worked out. I’m too possessive myself to “allow” my husband, even in a shitty marriage, to have a much younger submissive that he loves so much. But that’s me.

  7. Honey, I always follow in silence. This is one of the very, very few occasions that I’m afraid of my own judgment and I will NOT voice it in blogpublic terms. The pain you have shared is one that frankly I’ve not seen much of at all, either out here or in private life. You know my fears for you. You know my respect for what you share, even in my turmoil about it. I am guessing that I am not the only one who observes quietly. Be that as it may, the sheer strength of character you exhibit is courageous and to be constantly commended. I dearly miss talking with you and hope you are well.

  8. Sweetness,
    Please don’t feel strange about your comment. pixie and I both feel incredible compassion for what L is going through, and we both want to continue our own relationship – we couldn’t agree more with your first two sentences.

    For me the confession was unimaginable for years, until it reached a point where going on in secret became the unimaginable thing. It isn’t guilt – it is I just can’t go on pretending to be something I’m not, or more accurately, pretending NOT to be something I AM. I just couldn’t go on with that. And it became imperative, after that disclosure of what I am, to disclose that it is not just some fantasy that I could never really do. It is real; I do it; I have done it; I have done this list of unspeakable acts to another human – in a consensual relationship. People like this really do exist. Now we have to deal with that. Openly. For years I harbored a secret thinking that if I opened up, she would despise me. But the alternative, being secretive, closed up emotionally, and lying, wasn’t exactly making for a good relationship either. And it became unbearable to me. So what is worse, dealing with a lying secretive person you can’t figure out, or dealing with the secret? Each of us will have to answer that one for ourselves.

    We are all possessive. Both pixie and I are; L certainly is. All three of us have been faced with a decision: is some of this person better than none of this person. That is the question that L is now facing. For me it will always be that

  9. (oops – hit the submit button accidently)…
    for me it will always be that I want as much of these two as I can have, even if not all, and I hope they both feel the same about me.

    I hope that helps you understand why I went where I did. I know that not everyone will agree it was the wisest move. LOL maybe NO ONE agrees it was the wisest move! But it is done. My relationship already feels better being based on the truth. We will see where it goes next.

  10. Richard, be assured that I HAVE had your wife in my thoughts, and am so glad that you reminded your other readers to do so as well. I have some idea of what she’s going through – her world has been turned upside down, from one moment to the next everything changed, and she is confronted with something more complex and initially shocking than just a husband who has been having an affair in her absence. Good luck to all 3 of you in getting as much as you can of what you each want and need.

  11. richard,

    bravo on your honesty w/your wife. did you tell her about your decade+ relationship w/Ms. Anna as well?

  12. No Naughty…I think that Richard realizes if he told her that it would be only to make himself feel better. It would hurt her without reason where telling her about what makes him who he is and disclosing the fact he has me in his life is different. It is different on so many levels..Richard is in love with me…we have more of a 24/7 Master/slave Owner/pet relationship and I am something he refuses to give up. It is something on going..I am going to be apart of his life for a long time. What would be the point of telling her about Ms. Anna….they are not involved any longer and do not impact what is going on now. I support his decision to keep that to himself and I’d like to think Ms. Anna feels the same way.
    🙂

  13. always happy when Richard comments…thank you. 🙂
    to add to your words..i think they prove that you are really the only one here who is truly poly. i am too jealous..although that may be the wrong word. she believes there is only one person for everyone. where i refuse to believe that after trying to share myself with both you and Liam I learned quickly that i lack that inside myself to give to more than one man.

    i need to know i am the center of your world…what makes you melt and glow…. what makes your eyes so dark get even darker and more intense…i need to know that when we aren’t together i am on your mind. somehow…you have always made me feel that way even when i know you are with her. and a lot of that is just the tightened leash you have me on…i feel the weight of your dominance even when the marks of your hand have faded. i know you think of me…i know you love me..you desire me..you need me. i also know that we provide each other with something elusive that is rare and wonderful…but i also know that she does to. it is just different…it is a lifetime and where i am not poly..i am learning to let go of pieces of you because it makes you happy…it fulfills that part of you…she fulfills that part of you. i know you will never give me up..i know that you may be asked too and i hope you are never put in that position.

    one day i will be in the place where i can hope my love for you and my submission to you enhances what you have with L. it allows you to be yourself…to allow her to be herself and not feel as if you are lacking something that she can’t possibly understand.
    it is reaffirming my role as pet in your life..as toy..as slave. it is heady…it is overwhelming…it is an amazing feeling being securly anchored at your feet. its where i want to be, it is where i belong.

    today was perfect.

  14. to desireX and others, and with apologies to pixie and Richard if i am being presumptuous by stepping in – while we readers may have all sorts of needs fulfilled by what we find here, and while pixie may certainly find satisfaction in knowing that she pleases us with her blog, she does write this to serve her own needs for an outlet. especially when she is in the midst of such a tumultuous time, it seems inappropriate to dismiss her life as something merely “intriguing” which is getting in the way of her providing us with masturbation material.

    this is not a novel. this is real life. let us never forget to treat with respect those who are living it.

  15. Thank you for your comment back Richard. I do understand more than I want to. One of my fears in life is waking up 10 – 15 years from now still with the restlessness and unfulfilled needs I have in my own 10 + years of marriage. I know that once you’ve had that passion and connection with someone (why does it always seem to be in an affair?), to live without it makes you feel partially dead, at best numb. I personally understand the heartbreak. You want to do the “right” thing, whatever that means, if there can ever be a “right” choice in these situations. I could write a book so let me just shup up now. You know what I mean.

  16. I think that is why I find it hard to understand, although I respect Poly relationships and can believe that they can work -it definitely isn’t for everyone, including me.
    Although I do not feel that one person can satisfy another in every way, I too…….jealous and possessive sound like bunny boiler words but I suppose that they are the best ones to use. I, personally, would rather have a relationship that meets the majority of my needs, whether they be sexual needs or bog standard ones, compared to sharing different parts with different people. And I personally could not function in a relationship where my partner is in love with someone else. I’d hate to think that someone else can make him laugh the way that I do for example, as he has always said that is what he loves most about me, my ability to make him smile at ant time…..

    I must ask though Richard, is it like there are 2 sides to you? A side that is reserved solely for your wife and another one that is reserved solely for Pixie? Is it that L gives you things that Pixie can not and vice versa? (I am not asking for examples as i respect your wish not to discuss L, just an overall generalization).
    I suppose that I can see the logic of a poly relationship if that is the case……..

    However, if you 3 can make it work, as long as everyone is happy in the end, what is the problem?

    I just hope that you are man enough to satisfy both of them Richard!!

    (of course I mean that in jest!)

  17. pixie, your comment above is just the best thing I could read right now; your submission and devotion is an amazing thing. Thank you for it.

    Claire, I have been trying to respond to you without stepping over my self-drawn line and it is difficult. I deal with the poly aspects by trying to keep things compartmentalized in my head. Some days it works better than others. I told pixie this morning that after our time on Monday, I went home and found myself slightly, almost imperceptably, distant from L – just a little removed, and I had to fight to make that go away. If this is to work for her, I cannot let that happen.

    But I don’t think of it as being two sides of myself. I think that I try to give each the best of me at the time I am with them each in accordance with what they need and can give. Of course I ask different things of pixie than I do of L. pixie is a masochist, L is not. I know that my need to be sadistic is reserved for, directed toward, pixie, and that only she can fulfill that need.

    That is about all I want to say about it at this point. I hope that answers your question.

  18. Richard,

    I really appreciate your answers. And I surprise myself by actually understanding your explanation. I feel quite silly and naive asking you that now, I feel like everyone else here gets “it” except me?! I am hoping that it is age and experience that are holding me back and not my own stupidity….

    We all seem to be concentrating on Pixie (as it is her blog) and L’s needs at the moment – You must feel like you are being pulled in so many different ways and directions at the moment as well, physically and mentally. I hope that you are focusing on your own needs as well, outside of L and Pixie – taking time to relax re-energize yourself etc.

    Pixie doesn’t want a “broken” Owner! : – )

  19. well you certainly get insightful discussion on this blog. I presonally can not do poly at all. I nearly killed myself accidently with alcohol when i thought my Sir was with another woman.

    However i know many people who it works for just fine so i guess it is just to be hoped that all three of you can make it work.

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