bondage · breast torture · caning · clothes pins · control · D/s · daddy/little girl · flogging · focus · limits · love · nipple clips · pain slut · restraints · Richard · S/M · scary Richard · spanking · sub space

back to good

I saw Richard today over a long extended afternoon lunch. I was afraid that things would feel differently. Isn’t it strange how your mind can make you think and your thoughts can make you feel vulnerable? I am trying so hard to not think about myself right now..I think that by nature I have a selfish streak in me. Richard is helping me with that…it isn’t a deliberate lesson it is by example. Some may see what he did as selfish. There are certainly points supporting that…some may support staying in a marriage that doesn’t meet your most base needs because it is the right thing to do…I admire him for giving her the chance to really know and accept him for who he really is.

Yet like I said..I am selfish and often my first thought is ‘me…how is this going to change this wonderful thing that I have found?’ So today when Richard called me this morning and said he wanted..no needed to see me over a long lunch I was thrilled. The color was high in my face and I floated through my busy morning. I was at an amusement park all weekend…the Merry-go-round…..the teeter-totter..the roller coaster experience of this entire thing had exhausted me and I needed to find solace in Richard’s arms. He knew this. He knew I needed him today…our need was shared and when I walked in the apartment he was quick to gather me up and hold me. He whispered a million reassurances in my ear…asking me to never doubt what I mean to him..what ‘this’ meaning the gifts we give each other mean to him…and that everything was working out…and that I was still very much Owned by him. He said so much yet his hands on me said so much more.

He was wearing a towel when I walked in..still damp from the shower. He teased me that I can look at him naked now without blushing. Somehow we both ended up stretched out on the bed and he just held me against him and we talked about his weekend. He told me specifics about some conversation he had with L and we talked about how her acceptance of me in his life was evolving more rapidly than what either of us expected. He looked happier than he has looked in awhile..I realize what a weight this has been for him. It has to be hard to not show your true self to the one you love…and on top of that to find yourself loving another.

His hands were steadily climbing up my skirt until he finally growled in my ear that I was wearing far too many clothes. I was wearing a tailored little black dress and he confessed to allowing me to leave it on because I looked so cute in it and his favorite color for me is black. He helped me pull the dress over my head and he removed my silk hose….and matching black panties. My bra was so charming I thought for a minute he was going to allow me to leave it on but it soon joined the rest of my clothing across the back of the chair. He is always so careful with my clothes…just like he is careful with me. One of things he said to L over the weekend in defense of how often he plans on seeing me was that I am his property and he takes care of his property. I feel like his property. I always do but no more so than today. That feeling of being his was thick in the room. His dominance challenged me today…

Once I was naked his hands ran up and down my body..he told me he wanted me marked. I knew he wanted to hurt me. But first I hadn’t sucked his cock in awhile he said. He pushed me down to him I pulled him into my mouth loving the way I feel him tense and then relax into the sensation of what I am doing. He was on his back and had me positioned right between his legs. I know what he likes. I always try to catch his eye when I suck his cock but really almost never can. He watches me down there doing it so all I have to do is look up..and sometimes he tells me to…but usually I can’t suck his cock and maintain eye contact for any real amount of time. Richard shifted a bit and put a little pressure on my head..I went a little lower and asked permission to lick his balls. Of course he granted it…I love doing this for him. I am surrounded by him…breathing him in and I love it. All of it..how I pleasure him with my tongue and mouth…how I know there is something coming. There is something about sucking your Owners cock moments before you know he is going to beat you..I may find the words to describe that one day. Richard says things to me when I have my mouth full of his cock that drive me insane…this is always a good time to hear what a little slut I am…or all the things he is going to do to me. Today I felt him very firmly reestablish his ownership of me. I felt his hands around my neck..I felt him slip a rope around my neck and tighten it. I heard his breathing quicken and loved that I was pleasuring him. I asked him if I could lick his ass and barely struggled with the question like I used to..I wanted to do it. He allowed me to play for a few moments longer before pulling me up to his chest and then kissing me hard on the mouth. We kissed a lot today…everything felt like it was turned up ten notches. Every touch on my skin was enhanced by something….we just flowed like we so often do together yet there was something else between us today that added to the rightness of our touches. He told me that he wanted me on my tummy. He placed my cuffs on my ankles and wrists and said he wanted no doubt in my mind that I was restrained. He didn’t want me to move at all he told me, I had been too long without the cane. He had been easy on me lately he whispered. That was over.

After a few minutes I was face down legs and arms spread and tightly tied to the respective four corners of the bed. He traced a hand from my neck down to my ankles..and I heard him whisper ‘beautiful’ under his breath. He started with a spanking…with his hand making hard contact with my bottom..harder than he usually spanks me. After just a minute or so I was really feeling it yet I arched my bottom towards him wanting to encourage him to continue as I tried to get lost in both the pain and the pure simplistic pleasure of being on the receiving end of a spanking. he told me how helpless I am….said that he could do anything he wanted with me. He reminded me that I am Owned, that I am His..that he will never let me go and that he will do absoloutly anything he wants to to me. Such words to hear strapped down to a bed..my Owner was in a sadistic mood. He really did want to hurt me.

He started to flog me..not hard. This was my warm up I could tell and it didn’t last long before I felt him tap the cane on my back. I felt him climb over me and he straddled my bottom yet held his weight off of me. I felt the cane bite down across my back….hard stroke after stroke. He doesn’t always cane my back…today he did. It seems almost primitive to be beaten across your back like this…I had told him as we snuggled before my clothes were removed that I felt giggly and girly that day as I was so happy to see him. I could tell he didn’t need or want the little girl side of me today..he needed his pain slut, he needed the submissive who would lick his ass and take two dozen cane strokes across her back. That is a terrible pain..my back is small and my skin is sensitive..yet I feel safe knowing he knows where to hit me and where to avoid hitting me. Funny how even when he is at his most sadistic self I never worry that he will leave any lasting damage to my body.

My back was alive with the cane strokes and I felt myself begin to get to the place in my head where I could take anything….not quite deep sub space but my own little ‘zone’. I am getting better at controlling when I go away so deeply…today I wanted to feel it all…I wanted to be an active participant in his sadism. He said he needed to fuck me..even as he caned me he needed to fuck me. I felt his hands on me as he spread my cheeks open..he told me to relax that he wanted to see me, that he wanted to see how I wet I was. He wanted to humiliate me. I wanted it too..so I tried to relax he admonished me for struggling. I felt his weight shift and then he was inside of me..deep inside of me. I came instantly on his cock loving how full he makes me feel…loving the feeling of his teeth on the back of my neck and on my shouders. He continued to cane me as he fucked me.

I felt him pull out and stand off to the side of me. I felt his hand on the small of his back and I felt the cane resting on my bottom. The warm up was over…he raised his hand and started bringing the cane down on my bottom. He was not going to show me any mercy today…I could tell. I pulled up strength to take it all from somewhere telling myself inside my own head that I am Owned..that he can do this to my body. Convincing myself that I could take whatever loving the feeling that comes with knowing I am powerless with him. Loving the sound of the cane as it makes contact with my skin..fighting the urge to turn my head and watch the strokes land with such precision across my bottom. I was drifting from the pleasure of it yet feeling the cane with every bit of my body. it was a hard caning…one of the hardest he has ever given me. His fingers found one spot on my right cheek and he pressed down into the soreness..pinching it causing me to moan and arch towards his hand. “I’ve broken your skin'” he said..the pleasure thick in his voice. “I’ll remember this day and so will you..the day your Owner made you bleed. Never doubt I Own you.” As if I could..knowing taking pain from him is but one side of being his submissive and typically that isn’t even the most challenging part. Today the pain was turned up…but I am a masochist. I was loving it..even as I felt my limits rush towards me I was able to sneak past them…taking all that he needed me to take. He changed canes…reminding me of just how truly sadistic he is and over the thin bloody welts already marking my bottom he caned me with a heavier thicker cane. The kind that bruises, the kind that hurts so bad there is no way you can get past it or on top of it. He continued to cane me…telling me things..whispering things to me that I needed to hear. The cane landed on my bottom over and over…he caned the backs of my legs down clear to my knees….and I was just an aching moaning pile of submissive need. I had pulled at my restraints enough to give myself enough slack to met the strokes by lifting my bottom to him. He told me what a good girl I was…I continually asked for more. Even as I wanted to ask him to stop I wanted to take more…I asked for more not wanting the pain to stop. My entire body was damp…I felt connected to the cane where I hardly knew when it wasn’t making contact with my swollen flesh.

At one point he was inside me again..pounding had into me..telling me what a good cunt I was. I felt the cane against my arm..that sensitive spot that is exposed only when your arms are tied tight above your head. The cane rested there and I heard myself beg him to not cane me there..”Yes” he whispered as he brought the cane down on the back of my arm again and again. I felt tears on my face and loved that he had taught me to cry and that it was safe to cry with him..that he welcomed my tears. 

My mind was numb but for one thought…I was desperate to have him hold me. I needed to feel tightly held. It was almost a frantic searching for something that I knew I couldn’t communicate to him. I wanted to take everything but this need in me to have pressure around my body, to be pinned against him was stronger than my need for pain..stronger than even my need to submit to him and take the pain. It must have been in my voice..”please Sir..please hold me.”

The caning stopped and he was at my side…he untied my wrist and slipped beneath me effortlessly pulling me on top of him. It wasn’t enough…I needed to feel a part of him, if I could have been inside of him I would have. I needed to hear his heart pound to slow my own…he untied my other wrist and held me, tightly he held me as if realizing just what I needed. It was a moment in time where I was truly one with him so lost I was in being in his arms. My body was still hot with pain and I trembled against him. Something was loud in my ears..like a white noise. I could tell he was speaking and I concentrated on his words until the white noise slowed and then quieted all together. I whimpered when he moved away but he shushed me telling me he was untying my feet. A second later he was back and I was back inside of him..pulling strength from the heat of him and reveling in what he can do to my body. His body was wrapped around my own..I felt the solidness of him and it calmed me. He covered me up and held me…

He wasn’t finished. He still had that need to hurt me..there was going to be more. The beast had not yet been satisfied in my Owner yet I knew he would only go on when and if he knew I was able to take it. I am not sure how much time past us by before he pressed me back onto my back and straddled me. I was still trembly but I was ready to go on..ready to satisfy him..to submit to all that makes him who he is. He pulled on my nipples…he caned my breasts hard leaving bruises. He said he wanted my mouth on his balls again and he straddled my face. He caned my breasts as I licked his balls…he attached small tight wooden clips to my nipples…to my clit to the lips of my cunt as he caned me. He caned me over the clips so that every stroke was triple agony. He tormented me..ripping the clips form my cunt saying that he knew I wanted to touch my cunt. That he said he could see how wet I was…he said I was a slut..his slut and that I wasn’t allowed to touch my cunt. It was his and I should concentrate on pleasing my Owner. He said my thoughts should only be on my mouth and on his balls as I pleasured him. The cane continued it’s biting path down my body…he caned my open legs…my cunt..but always came back to my nipples. The sound of  wooden cane hitting wooden clips…smashing my skin somewhere between the two carried me to the edge of subspace.

Somehow it ended. I felt his cum hit hot on my tummy…and I heard his deep moan..and felt the cane rest against my skin. I was at my limit I could take no more knowing that him cumming certainly didn’t mean he was done hurting me. Today though he was. He held me again running his hand through his own cum sliding hot fingers through it rubbing it across my face and lips. He pulled the blankets over us both and held me tightly to him…his words comforting me..his hands gently exploring my swollen damp skin.

As I sit here right now in the early early morning hours of the next day I feel the marks still..the deep ache in my muscles from that hard piece of wood. I am striped down my back….my bottom a mass of bruises and welts. I love it. I didn’t  shower afterwards…I wanted to feel him dry on my skin and smell him on my body the rest of the day. It was only later that afternoon as I stood in the shower the steam forcing the scent of him mixed with my own scent up to my nose that I fully calmed myself. Somehow..something was different. I realized I had experienced no sub-drop. I made it through the afternoon…the darkest past of my evening without feeling lost, without feeling abandoned. I felt firmly directed, firmly guided by the invisible leash that was holding on to me. I knew Richard was home that evening, i knew there was still so much to talk about there. I also knew I was on my mind. Around 9 a text message came through..one word TOY..our acronym for ‘thinking of you’ and I knew that he was. I knew I was thinking of him as I couldn’t get our mixed smell from my nose. He called me right before my bedtime to check on me..to confirm what I already knew. I was on his mind..that he loved me…that I was very much Owned.

I feel asleep not feeling the marks of the cane..that were fierce and red still..and not feeling the bruising on my breasts or thighs or arms…but feeling Owned and needed and cherished. I felt as if in one day, in one afternoon all the negativity I had assigned my submission was gone. Somehow he did that for me.

I wish I could explain why all this works the way it does. I read my own words..the descriptions of what I take from/for him and sometimes I am even taken back. I can’t explain…it is elusive. It is indefinable. It is almost like another level of being alive..that is how intense it is where everything before looks whitish and quiet.  I can’t imagine not having ‘this’, not having ‘him’ in my life.

17 thoughts on “back to good

  1. Richard seems to be extremely intuitive in knowing just what you need and when. It is wonderful that you can meet each other’s needs so beautifully.

    pixie..please do not worry about being selfish. You are owned. That is a wonderful thing as it frees you completely from concern of anything except BEING and being honest with your owner. You are his and he must know what you are feeling so he can continue to provide the guidance, support and control you NEED.

    i, for one, am happy to see you both choosing to live life for the moment. The future has a wonderful way of taking care of itself if we take care of the NOW.

    Love and peace to you both!! Thank you, again, for sharing this fantastic journey.

    s/nik

  2. I am completely with Lyn on this one

    Wow, wow and wow.

    One thing did amaze me though, was that really the first time you had bled. I always got the idea that you were getting severe cane strokes. Not that it matters one iota it just struck me as strange. However overall i am going back to the beginning and and am going to say it again

    wow, wow, wow

    love katie xxxxx

    PS I have loads of catching up to do so bear with me over the next few days as i read backwards through your life xxx

  3. I think WOW will be the most used word on this comment section as that is all I can think of to descrbe this post as well!

    Reading that made me feel like you are finally calm, that you are whole again. I am glad that you have both found peace, and I hope that “L” has/can as well.

    You “voice” is really amazing – I hope you realise what a fantastic writer you are.

    Please do not stop.

  4. hello sweetie. I am happy to hear how positive things are going. “the truth shall set you free” It seems that now you and Richard are free and now it makes your experiences so much better. You are no longer hiding.

  5. katie,
    it wasn’t the first time he has caused me to bleed. i have bled for him before and not just by him caning me…my Owner has a penchant for knife play and i am the lucky recipient. so it wasn’t the bleeding part that i found most significant although that is always meaningful but never the goal..not with a cane anyway…uh, right Sir?
    so…it wasn’t so much the strength of this caning or the fact that it drew blood it was the meaning behind it. it was the words that he used, it was the mood between us. i was never more Owned…it was reestablishing his Ownership of me and making everything good again. i mean, imagine being to able to say to another person…”your Owner made you bleed….” it strengthened our bond at the end of a time period where i didn’t know if i would still have him.
    another way i could describe it is when i heard and then felt the slice of the cane it pulled away all the negative feelings that i had somehow developed about my submission and Richard’s dominance over me.

  6. Katie,
    pixie is right, it was more about the words.. and I guess the significance of them. I told her that I had made her bleed with just a cane, and that is was a day to remember: the day I took back complete ownership, the day I gave back the good feelings about submission, the day I showed her that whatever else was going on in my life there was no one who could replace what she was giving me, the day that all the bad the Liam had produced about her submission would be wiped away, the day that I stopped nursing her through that and being easy on her and beginning again to take all that I needed from her, a day of complete reassurance that all we have and share was solid and lasting and good and real.
    It was a good day; a day she bled for me….. and a day to remember.
    Richard

  7. and at the end of it, she wrote probably the best piece of writing i have seen on a blog for a long long time. I have not been around for a while so i have so much to catch up on.

    I was a bit worried when she wrote that you were telling your wife. I couldnt see who an earth was going to benefit from that piece of honesty. But so far it has been a pleasure to read the reults. I send my best wishes to all three of you and who knows, maybe L will one dat accept that foot massage.

    katie xx

  8. I will agree with katie…your writing pixie has really developed over the past few months. You are a joy to read. I hope you never underestimate the talent you have and thank you again for sharing it with us.
    I have been quiet. A little too absorbed in my own life and reading the past few posts made me reflect on some of my own choices, my own cowardice. I was first shocked and then dismayed at what Richard was going to do. I thought that no one was going to benefit from him coming clean. I thought it was selfish to ease his guilty mind and hurt is wife. I also worried about pixie and how much the changed dynamic would change her. I see pixie as sensitive and fragile though I imagine she is quite strong and certainly what I see here supports that. I just worried. Then I realized that I was feeling regret. Regrets that I wasn’t able to ever be who I really was in my own home and with my own spouse. Eventually it caused me my marriage. Sometimes a person can only hold down so much and my dominance while not accepted in it’s natural form came out of me in inappropriate ways. I was testy..irritated and hard to live with.

    I think Richard has a hard job on his hands right now. Keeping two women happy. Two very different women happy. I admire his ability to compartamentalize but still, I worry about pixie. I have a soft spot for her. I do. Sharing a secret is sometimes better for a submissive than being the girl on the side that can sometimes be made to feel in the way. Will ‘L’ set limits on your time with pixie? Will that make her think less of your dominance?
    Richard, I am impressed by your dominance, your style is inspiring yet I wonder if you will be able to nurture pixie through this the way she will need it. And if not, how can I step in and fill that role? 🙂
    Seriously, I know that your focus may just shift sharply to one side as you feed and repair the damage done at home. A subbie like pixie may need it a little more. I envy you Richard, but then again- I don’t.
    Good luck to all.

  9. katie,
    The honesty was neither as brave nor as stupid as many would think. pixie and I were on a road where we were either going to get caught or lose the intensity to such an extent that it wouldn’t work any longer anyway. And my descriptions of what I was, who I was, were not totally sinking in until I put reality to it – I have done this act. It is real.
    So, … anyway… here we are. As pixie was writing these posts, I kept waiting for the good Dr. Dom to say “hang on, here we go” for the second time.
    R

  10. Dr. Dom, so good to hear from you. We have missed your insightful comments, and never have *I* more needed helpful guidance.

    I would be the first to say ‘never tell, it only clears your conscience and hurts the other person.’ So true when the secret is in the past. But as I just commented, there was no way I could keep up with pixie’s needs or my own going forward in secret. It took less than a week to realize that.

    You have seen pixie’s shifting moods through all this. I am doing my best to guide her and help her stay strong. I think she may feel more owned right now that she ever has. I have said it before, tho’ perhaps not here, that she is both fragile and strong at the same time.

    Of course, neither pixie nor L wants to feel they are getting the crumbs, the leftovers. I work to make them understand they are getting different things from me. Certainly L does not want what I give to pixie and cannot give me what pixie gives me.

    L and I are discussing the conditions under which this can go forward. But I have no qualms about insisting that the conditions cannot be such that it no longer works. For example, seeing pixie once a month does not work. And no conditions will be carved in stone – we will see how they work and adjust as needed.

    pixie has been very strong in working with me to get through the initial stages where L has required a great deal of attention and time, and has expressed a need for me to focus on her and not on pixie. At the same time, I have made it clear to L that pixie is a submissive and cannot be cut off from her Dom. The first lesson of what it is to be a submissive.

    so we move forward. pixie and I have an evening planned, not in secret, the first of what I hope will be many evenings. We will have to see how that works, how the aftermath feels, what happens next.

    Tomorrow the world could shift again. So please don’t envy me just yet. A lot of work lies ahead. And Dr. Dom, I have a personal question for you – if you would please contact pixie. If you don’t know how, I will put a special email address out for you to use which I won’t thereafter need. Many thanks.
    R

  11. Richard: the POV that hasn’t been mentioned is that you have given L a precious gift, of the if-you love-something-set-it-free variety. By saying to her, this is part of my bliss, I am fearlessly pursuing it for the sake of happiness, you are greatly upping the odds that she will turn at some point to the question of her own greatest happiness. When the status quo falls away, you can see a gaping hole in the landscape or a window of opportunity. I hope L has some good “carpe diem” types in her corner.

  12. I , like many others I am sure will be fascinated to hear of how the first known about meeting goes. You and pixie both write so well, that i cant bear the thought of you writing beutifal but sad things if things dont turn out. So i will keep everything crossed. xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s