Change always comes bearing gifts. ~Price Pritchett
There are a million emotions inside of me.
I am working through them one by one. I am happy with where I am with Richard right now. I am lucky and beyond pleased to be able to say that. I was so worried as I realized right after Christmas that what I was getting from Richard all of a sudden was not going to be enough. An Ownerless pet…a Masterless slave….how sad. I didn’t want to face losing him…and I knew he needed me too. And then almost overnight he decided to risk it all to keep me. This major life shifting decision to tell L about me…changed everything. I was overwhelmed with his reasoning…he was giving her the chance to accept him for who he was and what he needed. He also risked her saying no…and knowing in his heart that he was ready to let her go if that was the response. A horrible place to be…things are better now. Not settled…still a lot of firsts ahead…still a lot of pain yet the truth is out. The chips are still landing and some of them force us to duck and some of them land gently right where we hoped they would.
I realize that all of that worry of losing him is behind me. I know that Richard is not giving me up. I am secure in his Ownership of me. What I am dealing with now in my head is the confusion….all the paradoxes of what I tell myself I should be feeling and how I actually feel. I feel selfish for thinking of myself at a time when L has had her world rocked the way she has. I feel selfish that I worry my Owner with my behavior at a time when he should be concentrating on her and making this work with both of us. We had a slight Liam issue both last weekend and the other night that resulted in complete restriction of me seeing him. Although Liam is not my boyfriend anymore we are maintaining our friendship until such a time when I feel I am better equipped to handle a relationship…in other words for as many wonderful qualities Liam has there are things about him that unsettle me. I figured out that I may have been unconsciously acting out to test Richard and once I realized I was doing that I decided it would stop. Was I thinking…let’s see if he is too distracted to discipline me if I need it? Part of me may have been thinking that and I hate that.
As we discussed it this morning…he said to me.. ”You know, I hate punishing you.” I had that sinking feeling in my stomach when he said it and all of a sudden the truth of what I had been doing flooded over me. I felt ashamed that I worried him, and I promised myself that I would do better….be better and try only to bring joy to my Owner. That is my goal…to be the best pet ever. So I acted out…I think he saw it for what it was and didn’t feed into my need for attention. A brilliant Dom…he did what was best for me.
I am learning more about myself through this process. I am learning my role with Richard all over again. I love my role…it is calming me and leaving me with such good feelings about myself…about him..about the little pocket we have created for ourselves in each others life. Yet, things are different. It is good for me. I was spoiled this summer…I had him all to myself. I was with him all of the time….we went on trips together…swam in the ocean together and we were able to sleep curled together all night. It was easy to pretend. There were times that I would let myself think it could be more than it could ever truly be even though I had his list…and my own list of why that would never work. Sometimes both lists made little sense to either one of us so it was easy to fold them up and hide them in a drawer somewhere and pretend the summer would never end. Well it did end and with fall came the worry of winter and now all of that is behind us and I am ready to move forward and face this new world with a brave face. Now I am finding joy in my role as pet….as Owned property. I am allowing the confusion to slip away and be replaced with a deeper submission than I ever thought possible.
I am realizing quite suddenly how easy it is for me to snuggle back down into that cherished role of pet. It is simpler than the alternative. Serve him..Obey him…help him deal with all that is going on his life..I am thrilled to be the one he confides in…the one he needs and wants to pour his dominance and sadism into. It is deceptively simple. I want to be that in his life…the one that makes everything else so much easier to tolerate. How ironic that I may in fact make his relationship with his wife better. What better gift can a pet give her Owner? I am amazed that I am here..that in my mind I have found this wonderful settled place. I know more angst will come…that I will allow doubts to surface. But deep inside of me I am settled.
I long to take pain from him…I know it will only make our bond stronger. I am trying hard to not think about him playing the role of attentive reassuring husband at home and really working hard to appreciate the part of him that I get. In my heart of hearts I support that…I support him in his quest to have it all. To help him maintain this life long relationship he has with L has become important to me. That is one of the paradoxes…because when I think of him with her…touching her I feel sick. Yet…it is important to me that it happen. It would do him long term harm to lose this woman that he has been married to since before I was born. I support the continued viability of that relationship. It is reinforcing my submission to him…I am becoming a confidant of his….more than I think I ever was before. I feel like we are redefining our relationship. I feel cherished and loved by him more than I ever have and I am trying to figure out exactly why that is. Because at the same time I know I am sharing his affections and his time more than I ever have before.
I find that part of me rooting for him…knowing that I want him to find happiness at home. In turn he will bring that happiness back to me. Regardless of all my doubts if he is happy…I am happy. I am secure in the fact that I am Owned…that I am a loved and a cherished pet.
Tomorrow night I am his….it is our first meeting together that she will know about. She knows he will spend the night with me. I wonder if it will change the dynamic at all….will it be better..worse..or all together the same? I worry about her and the emotions she will be experiencing as the night progresses. As a woman I can imagine how she will feel knowing her husband is with another….feeding a need that she can barely understand. I am finding myself feeling waves of tenderness for this woman that I have never met. A sort of kinship with her that I know she neither wants or needs…but in truth we love the same man. We are loved by the same man and she like me is willing to sacrifice to assure his happiness.