bdsm · collar · control · D/s · irrational thoughts · Liam · Richard · S/M · spanking · sub space

A reminder

“Stop it.” he said at lunch today. “Stop feeling guilty.” His voice was calm and understanding but stern enough to make my head drop just a little.

“I am not sure what is I feel Sir, guilt might not be the right word. There is something there..but I am not sure what it is.”

My handsome Owner sat beside me at a small cafe near his office. I joined him downtown for lunch as I had an appointment not far from there. He knew I wasn’t quite right..I knew I wasn’t quite right but neither of us were sure of what it was that I was feeling. I tried to talk it out.

“You’s like things have shifted just a little. It isn’t bad, it isn’t good. I think change is just hard for me.” He let me go on. He does that. He’ll just listen to me and sometimes as I talk I realize that I am solving my own problems..that I can talk myself into a corner or sometimes in a circle until there is either no answer or the answer is perfectly clear directly in front of me.

“You smell is taking everything I have to not bury my face in your neck.”

“Uh..what?” I said blushing a little and looking up at him realizing that as I spoke about how I was feeling he had moved a little past me and was focusing on all the things he wanted to do to me. That is when I felt guilty….sitting with my Owner having a delicious lunch and there I was creating dramas because of my own insecurities.

“It is hard to sit this close to you and not touch you..pull you on my lap or over my knee.”

He smiled at me and leaned in closer, our legs were close together beneath the table and he was the handsomest man in the room. Sometimes when we are sitting close to together like that I can do nothing but imagine him touching me or taking me….hurting me. He looked so happy and it thrilled me that I was a part of that, that I was able to offer him at least some of the strength and the encouragement he needed to stop living behind the shadow of what everyone else wanted or needed him to be. I loved that the shadows were gone from his face and that his eyes looked more settled. There was a place for the real Richard at home….he just needed to create it. And now that he has done so everyone involved is wondering how the fall out is going to alter the respective relationships. The good and the bad.

I see the changes in him and L. Good changes. I know he is spending a lot of time reassuring her, loving her and she is being more loving and supportive of him. He couldn’t have dreamt it would go better than this. I think that this entire revelation is bringing them back around to some semblance of a loving committed relationship. He is happier…the guilt is gone, the hiding is gone. She is starting to see me as a safety net of sorts…and those are her words. The devil you know I suppose…..I think she is confident at last that I am not a threat to her marriage.

I am not a threat to her marriage. Yes, I love her husband, I would do anything for him, allow him to do anything to me but it ends there and we both know it. We have both always known it. I am his submissive, his pet., his toy. And yes we have blurred those lines…I am his confidante, his muse, his lover…I play as many roles in his life as he does in mine. Yet wife will never be one of them, girlfriend either. I do not want to be his wife..he has showed me all the reasons why that would never work and I showed him even more. We are what we are to each other and isn’t that wonderful? As much as I love him what we have is so much better than anything else. I have gained so much from him…he is helping me navigate through some pretty tough relationships and as he does so he is keeping my feet on the ground.

I am also trying to maintain the correct head space. I need to keep it right on that spot within my self where I know I am completely Owned. I want to ignore the feelings that make me feel bad, or lonely or scared of losing him although I know he would not give me up even if she asked him to. She even said to him that she knew he would never give me up. So I understand why she would say I am a safety net for her. After all if he has me he won’t go looking for someone else, someone who may be a threat to her world.

Richard is encouraging a meeting between she and I. I know she has a ton of questions for me. She wants to learn more about me and what it means to be submissive. She has accepted me for the most part into her husbands life. I can hardly believe that. Richard hopes for a time where all of this feels natural and casual..I mean can you imagine the possibilities? I told him I imagined being called over to serve them both….make dinner for them only to be told to kneel by his side as they eat together…lol. Of course that is all just idle chatter. 🙂

“You just do not understand it, do you?” I looked at him curiously noticing the serious tone that had entered his voice.

“Get what Sir?” His eyes swept over me and pulled me in and I knew what he was going to say. I could feel it.

“How I feel about you, what you, what this, what you give me means to me. I know you are feeling the changes here but you are worried for nothing. Do you trust me to give you what you need?”

“Yes Sir.” And I truly did.

“And do you trust me to take what it is I need from you?”

“Yes Sir.” I answered him starting to feel better…realizing that I needed his words. His dominance was reminding me it is never appropriate to doubt him. Never appropriate to allow myself to become unbalanced in this more clearly defined role he has given me within his life. In my eyes the ambiquity has been removed from our relationship…in time, once I am used to the slight shift and the world doesn’t seem to be spinning so fast this will be good for me. I have a feeling that the leash will tighten and I will find myself more intensely connected to him.

“Remember what I told you. You need to feel my hand on you all the time, don’t you? At your throat, around your neck. Know that even when I am not with you, even when I am not talking to you I am thinking about you, loving you, needing you. I Own you. You are my property and I will not leave you wanting.”

“Look at me.” I did and he went on. “Now smile for your Owner, this is all good. You are thinking that there are going to be restrictions and limits coming from her and that isn’t going to happen. Can you not understand why I must tread gently with her right now…allow her to feel a part of this. Even just as a courtesy to know when I am seeing you and where? You are entitled to privacy from her within our relationship and I will make sure you have that.”

I looked down at his hand so close to my own and wanted to bury my face in it..I wanted to drop down to my knees and lay my head in his lap. I was upset about a few things and was determined to not burden him with my thoughts. He knows me, recognizes my moods and questioned me until I told him how I was feeling.

“I am so happy with where we are…it’s like you said. ‘Pinch me and lets see if this is a dream.’ I can hardly believe that we are sitting here across the street having lunch together right out in the open..I can’t believe that you picked up the phone an hour ago and told L I was meeting you for lunch..and that she was alright with it. But all those things are changes and change bothers me a little.”

“I know pet.” he said. His voice encouraged me to continue.

“I know that the two of you are discussing me and some of the limitations she would like to see placed on our relationship and on our meetings. I see you as such a Dominant and this almost seems as if you need approval from L.” He smiled at me again because we both knew that wasn’t how it had been at all. L requested that he see me once a month and Richard refused. “Impossible.” he said “Pixie is a submissive and she needs more than that.” I think then a twice a month was placed on the table and then once a week. Right now we are at a sanctified twice a week deal. One evening and one lunch/long afternoon. I am pleased with this. I know that Richard can take from me what he needs within that agreed upon time frame…plus it is more than I expected to have of him. Another plus..he renewed the lease once again on our apartment. So the apartment we were only going to have for 3 months turned into six…and now it seems we are good for nine. Richard told L about the apartment. That shocked me…I admire him for his honesty. He has really put it all out on the table…and has given her the chance to stay with him and know him for who he truly is. I am amazed at her level of commitment to him. In awe really…because I could not do what it is she is doing.

So with all that said I was trying hard to put to words why I was feeling like I needed reassurance. Earlier that day he was telling me about something that he and L were discussing that morning. Richard and I make a point to talk every morning on the phone. We find ourselves driving into our offices at the same time and I enjoy that time with him over the phone. Often I find it sets the tone for my day. In an off handed comment he repeated something to me that L had said and he told me …” and I went to her and put my arms around her..” the comment went on I think but my brain stopped at that. I told him that I was his biggest fan…that I wanted nothing more than for him and L to be happy together. I have actually started to see one of my roles with my Owner to be supportive of him and his primary relationship. For this to work for him I need to keep my ‘pet’ hat on. I am finding that I need to work on that more.

Yet those words stayed with me and he pressed me to tell him why I looked sad. “It felt different when I knew you were unhappy. When I knew you couldn’t stand the thought of going home when she was there because it was so bad….it is harder for me knowing that I am causing pain there when things aren’t bad, when things are better.”

He interrupted me.
“It’s hard for you knowing that you aren’t the only one making me happy. Right? I understand that. I know how my words touch you sometimes and I am sorry those words hurt you. I am caught between you wanting to know how we are at home and you not wanting to know. I need to tell you enough so your imagination doesn’t make it worse but not enough so that you feel hurt.”

And that is where this all started….”Stop feeling guilty.” he told me.

We finished our lunch. I felt better. I think I just needed to know that I had a place, that he understood that even as I supported his efforts to provide the necessary emotional support that L needed that I still needed to know that I was needed too. As I stood there beside him so he could pay our bill he told me he loved me…that he needed to take me back to his office building. I didn’t say anything. I followed him in silence back across the street to the towering building where he works. I admired his confident step as we brushed past the security guards and he told them I was with him..that I would only be staying a moment. I followed him and he pulled me down a deserted hallway.

“Turn around, let me see what you have under that pretty dress. Are you wearing your new panties….the black lace ones I gave you?” He held my face against the wall and pulled my skirt up with one hand. His hand delivered a hard series of smacks on my bottom. My Owner was spanking me right in the middle of hallway in one of the biggest buildings in the city. It was a hard spanking. He yanked my skirt back down and roughly turned me around me around pressing me hard against he wall, his hand buried in my hair.

“Now…don’t you ever doubt you are needed….or loved. Do not doubt that you give me something that nobody else ever has and that nobody else ever could. I Own you…you are doubting me and I won’t have it. You were insolent earlier today…I won’t have that either. Now you need a good spanking every day to keep you on track but that is impossible. Carry this with you…my hands on your body, taking what I need from you. That is all you need to worry about..that I am taking what I need, getting what I need. Do you understand me?” his hand tightened in my hair before letting me go.

“Yes Sir. ” I whispered to him …a little shaky, a little dazed. He pulled me from the wall and pushed me slightly towards the restroom in the hallway that I hadn’t noticed before. “Go pull yourself together so that you can drive.”

“Yes Sir.” I said walking into the bathroom. I don’t remember going in or what I did. I remember him standing there happy when I walked out. Again, the urge to drop to my knees in front of him was strong. I hated that I doubted myself and my ability to handle all the changes that really aren’t changes after all. I loved that he was able to so wonderfully pull me back on track and leave me feeling Owned and loved.

Tonight as I sit here I am smiling. I am happy with where we are, even happier in my role as his pet and sooo happy that he knows that I will have ups and downs. And that he will support me through them both.

17 thoughts on “A reminder

  1. Over the past few days I have read such a broad range of emotions pixie. From acceptance, to doubt to an eagerness to put your own needs and feelings aside to please your owner. It is easy to see how complex this all is for you and for Richard, for L too. I know it is easy for some to lay blame at your door. I reject that. You didn’t cause that level of discord in a marriage. That takes years to develop and years to un-do. Believe me, I speak from experience. Do not feel guilty for that. I sense in you a willingness to allow Richard the time he needs to give L what she needs. You said it in an earlier post but that is truly a gift you can give your Owner. I find it all addicting to read.
    I can also picture all of this. Richard spanking you in his office building. You nervous and anxious that you will be caught yet willing and submissive because you trust him so much. I don’t care what anyone else says. This relationship (you and R) has to be preserved. Can you truly imagine your life without him guiding you> And Richard can you imagine not having a submissive. Not just a submissive I should clarify but pixie as your submissive. I have been in and out of D/s relationships and rarely do they hold all the elements that this one does. I love reading and learning about all that goes on in your life.
    Keep writing!

  2. Another snapshot of pixie’s state of mind. All three parties are nervous – nervous that the world is shifting, and no one is sure where is will be when it stops. Suddenly the status quo seems good, seems safe, seems better than the unknown alternatives.

    In spite of the fact that pixie’s spot in my life has been solidified, she feels a sense of loss. First, there is the loss of freedom for the two of us to do whatever we please whenever we please. There is a third party involved, whose own conflicting needs must be considered and dealt with. Second, there is the sense that her Owner is no longer in complete control, and how bad is that! My Dom, not in control? Well yes, her Dom is trying to meet conflicting needs, he is juggling, balancing, saying L wants advance notice of meetings, pixie wants the freedom to say hey, meet me in 10 minutes. How do I meet these conflicting needs without implicitly rejecting someone’s need? While both L and pixie are beginning to understand how keeping the status quo in the big picture sense requires changes to it at the operational level, it isn’t smooth. L is tolerating this; pixie is unhappy to give up something.

    Some days they both spin out of control at the same time. This morning, just hours after pixie wrote this, is one of those days. This is a day that Dr. Dom would not envy. I know that I have no one but myself to blame – I have created a situation where two women are worried about how the world is changing. And so am I. But I am in the middle trying to manage expectations, manage feelings, give reassurances, and give those reassurances without really sharing how or what is being done to reassure the other. Some days the details of how this can all work overwhelm the amazing fact that my marriage is better and I still have pixie. The details threaten to derail how far we have come. No, I expect no sympathy, so there is no need to remind me I’m getting none. I am just explaining how it feels.

    Hours after I began this comment, the world has steadied. I tell each of them – stop looking at what the other person has, at what I am giving her. Start looking at what we share, what I am giving you, and what you are giving me. Keep that focus and things will get easier. And pixie, stop worrying that I won’t want what you give me – I need you in my life.

  3. Richard

    It seems to me if your going to make them both happy and yourself you need a confidant that’s not pixie or L..Someone you can tell all to without worrying about hurting them..Perhaps another Dom that neither of ladies know or a Counselor or pehaps you have one..I know Pixie would like that role but is that fair to L? Your walking a thin line and trying to be fair to all ..You need to be speaking to someone that has nothing to gain or lose ..You seem to be a smart man that right now is letting his desires rule while trying to rein them in.. I believe it can work for the three of you if everyone learns thier place and boy is that a tall order! Good Luck to you all!! I truly mean that!..His fawn

  4. I wish you all luck,and also really admire all the honesty that has been expressed on this blog recently. Whilst I have my own thoughts on it all,its none of my business to express it here. I feel priviledged to be partie to all that you share here,and have respect for you all. I just hope it all works out satisfactorily for all those involved in the long run. It sounds that there will still be along way to go until life is all smooth again for you all,but I do wish you well.

  5. Just wanted to stop in and see what was happening today. I wholeheartedly agree with fawn. Yet it is not that simple. Remember we are only hearing about one side of Richard’s desires. We do not know of the red-hot passion he may possibly share with L. So maybe the desire plays a role both ways. Of course we all know what pixie looks like so no problem seeing what fuels that desire. 🙂
    I think the best point fawn made is everyone learning their roles. I think it is impossible for Richard to meet the emotional needs of both of these women. He owes L emotional support and owes pixie nothing. She has no claim to what she needs from him and I pull that out of her writing. I fear there is pain to come all around here. For pixies sake I hope not but things rarely come out the way we plan. I worry that Richard will find that it is too ‘tall an order’ and leave pixiepie to fend for herself, after all men rarely leave their wives for their submissives. I am not trying to hurt your feelings pixie and I am not even suggesting you want that or would ask him that. My point is that when push comes to shove you have been and will remain in second place. I question if your masochistc need gets met somewhat by allowing yourself to feel this pain or do you just love Richard that much?
    I hope I haven’t crossed the line with my questions. I await anxiously for the next post always, always hoping it isn’t ‘pieces of pixie’ with no one by her side to help her put them back together. Be careful Richard to quate the great and powerful Oz or maybe it was Spider Man, ‘with great power comes great responsibility.’
    don’t fuck it up my friend. 🙂

  6. I am a fan here. A daily reader and have hesitated making this comment. Is anyone else concerned about pixie? What do we know about her except she is young and is involved with this much older man? Is she capable of knowing the heartache this will give her? Does anyone know her personally enough to check in with the girl behind the pixie. I am sorry pixie to do sort of an online intervention but I feel your confusion and your pain and I wonder if you are alright. This reader is worried about you pixie. Are you being dominated or manipulated into meeting this mans needs without regard to your own?

  7. Dr. Dom.

    If I may be so nosey as to ask you what type of Doctor are you if you are one? lol okay so I’m nosey can’t hurt to ask..

  8. “I tell each of them – stop looking at what the other person has, at what I am giving her. Start looking at what we share, what I am giving you, and what you are giving me”

    To me these are not words of manipulation, they are of a man desperate to try and convey his emotions and feelings to the 2 women he loves. It is an impossible situation to be in and there is only so much of you to go around, Richard. Unfortunately you can not be in 2 places at once, nor can you split yourself in 2.

    I am trying to picture in my mind how this will play out, now you have Pixie in your life, L knows and accepts this. You have stated in your previous comments that one of your roles as Dom is that you want to help her look for Mr. Right. Do you feel that you are still able to stand back and do this, detach yourself? You love her so much, of that I am sure. Do you think that you can bear to give Pixie up when that time comes? And where does this leave you afterwards? A Dom without his perfect sub, the one who knew and “got” him and his needs? I worry for Pixie, I worry for L, but I worry for you as well.

    On another note – that spanking in the corridor of your office building – HOT!!! Pixie never finished her story about when she visited your office and the fun you had with the hook of the back of your office door…………..if you have time, would you be willing to finish of that story and fill in the blanks?

  9. the pictures are such a welcome addition to what is already my favorite blog. can we see more of

    pixiepie, you are being so brave! Keep your chin up girl.

  10. no Jen, I am really not being brave. the past 24 hours i have been immature, needy and anything but brave. it’s a wonder that Richard still even wants to own me I have let him down so. 😦

  11. what potential! Not knowing anything about L, and not likely to, it is crossing our minds how she feels about having you in not just her husbands life but in her life too. Do you see this turning into something where she has a hand in your submission. Not the masochistic side of you but in the guiding and training and domeinating side of you, perhaps in a non-sexual way. Would that make L feel more of part of things? And on the flip side pixie, how would that make you feel? Would it curb the loneliness you feel when you know every night he goes home to her in once in awhile you were pulled into whatever they were doing together. I do not imagine the Waltons here but I wonder. Lots of potential to aid you in your growth as a submissive and is that not your Owners ultimate responsibility.

    I wouldn’t worry too much about pixie Dr Dom. She sounds young and a bit wide eyed but she an adult and she feels the same adult passions and pain that we all do. She is a woman not a girl regardless of the child like quality some women just have. I think she knows what she is doing and all signs point to Richard holding her and guiding her as best he can through what has to be hard. As a non practicing submissive I understand the doubts pixie is feeling. The changes and the limits and like Richard expressed, she doesn’t feel as if her Dom is fully in control of their relationship. That can rock the most solid sub let alone a fragile little thing like pixie. Another reason why I suggest the point I bring to light above.

    good luck to all, and yes pixie- we see you as brave. remember a submissive still has the choice to walk away. So much emphasis has been placed on L not leaving- you haven’t left either. Many would. I would. Don’t stop letting yourself mourn or feel sad because of a sense of guilt or a feeling that says she is going through the greater turmoil. That may be true but it doesn’t lessen your own or your need work through that.

  12. Don’t talk like that, you have not let him down, your world has turned upside down and you are dealing with a whole now dynamic to your relationship. These are growing pains – no cracks that signify an end. And Richard expects these.

    The more you torture yourself over your actions, the harder you will find the situation. Perhaps it is time to go out dancing again – get out and think about something else for a while, refresh yourself and have a good time?

  13. Promise – i think that idea of L being involved in a non sexual way (to begin with perhaps, depending on how things develop) somehow if both parties welcomed it, is a good one. Perhaps it would enable L to experience it first hand in a non threatening way, which could lead to further acceptance, extra time for Pixie to see Richard and will lessen the feelings of guilt for Pixie. A lot of “if’s” but who thought that after Richard telling L they would be where they are now?

    Definitely something to think about for the future……….

  14. pixie, you have not let me down. You know that I understand the stress we are all dealing with and that the occassional loss of your grip on things is to be expected. All of us have had our chance to lose our grip for a bit. My snappy TM to you last night was my own opportunity to ‘lose it’ and I let you down by sending it.
    As usual, the morning is brighter – we can once again allow ourselves to believe it can all work out. One day at a time, sweet pixie, one day at a time.
    I would love to respond to every comment but I just can’t. It isn’t just the time, sometimes it is that we need to put the stress aside and try to make life feel normal for a while, so we actually devote some time to our jobs LOL! But I did want to say that pixie’s involvement with L is something that both pixie and I would welcome, but only time will tell.
    Thank you all for your thoughts and comments.

  15. Facing your demons seems to be what you are doing in order to be Richard’s, pixie – how can that not be brave? It might not be pretty all of the time – ups and downs as you said – but you are growing into an amazingly beautiful, giving submissive and you seem to be growing more and more with each other too.

    Thank you for sharing this wonderful journey of yours, pixie, it is heartwarming and a delight to read.

    Richard, I think you are a very nurturing person; the lengths you go through to make everyone happy instead of settling for ‘things not to blow up’ are incredible. You have my admiration.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s