“Stop it.” he said at lunch today. “Stop feeling guilty.” His voice was calm and understanding but stern enough to make my head drop just a little.
“I am not sure what is I feel Sir, guilt might not be the right word. There is something there..but I am not sure what it is.”
My handsome Owner sat beside me at a small cafe near his office. I joined him downtown for lunch as I had an appointment not far from there. He knew I wasn’t quite right..I knew I wasn’t quite right but neither of us were sure of what it was that I was feeling. I tried to talk it out.
“You know..it’s like things have shifted just a little. It isn’t bad, it isn’t good. I think change is just hard for me.” He let me go on. He does that. He’ll just listen to me and sometimes as I talk I realize that I am solving my own problems..that I can talk myself into a corner or sometimes in a circle until there is either no answer or the answer is perfectly clear directly in front of me.
“You smell incredible..it is taking everything I have to not bury my face in your neck.”
“Uh..what?” I said blushing a little and looking up at him realizing that as I spoke about how I was feeling he had moved a little past me and was focusing on all the things he wanted to do to me. That is when I felt guilty….sitting with my Owner having a delicious lunch and there I was creating dramas because of my own insecurities.
“It is hard to sit this close to you and not touch you..pull you on my lap or over my knee.”
He smiled at me and leaned in closer, our legs were close together beneath the table and he was the handsomest man in the room. Sometimes when we are sitting close to together like that I can do nothing but imagine him touching me or taking me….hurting me. He looked so happy and it thrilled me that I was a part of that, that I was able to offer him at least some of the strength and the encouragement he needed to stop living behind the shadow of what everyone else wanted or needed him to be. I loved that the shadows were gone from his face and that his eyes looked more settled. There was a place for the real Richard at home….he just needed to create it. And now that he has done so everyone involved is wondering how the fall out is going to alter the respective relationships. The good and the bad.
I see the changes in him and L. Good changes. I know he is spending a lot of time reassuring her, loving her and she is being more loving and supportive of him. He couldn’t have dreamt it would go better than this. I think that this entire revelation is bringing them back around to some semblance of a loving committed relationship. He is happier…the guilt is gone, the hiding is gone. She is starting to see me as a safety net of sorts…and those are her words. The devil you know I suppose…..I think she is confident at last that I am not a threat to her marriage.
I am not a threat to her marriage. Yes, I love her husband, I would do anything for him, allow him to do anything to me but it ends there and we both know it. We have both always known it. I am his submissive, his pet., his toy. And yes we have blurred those lines…I am his confidante, his muse, his lover…I play as many roles in his life as he does in mine. Yet wife will never be one of them, girlfriend either. I do not want to be his wife..he has showed me all the reasons why that would never work and I showed him even more. We are what we are to each other and isn’t that wonderful? As much as I love him what we have is so much better than anything else. I have gained so much from him…he is helping me navigate through some pretty tough relationships and as he does so he is keeping my feet on the ground.
I am also trying to maintain the correct head space. I need to keep it right on that spot within my self where I know I am completely Owned. I want to ignore the feelings that make me feel bad, or lonely or scared of losing him although I know he would not give me up even if she asked him to. She even said to him that she knew he would never give me up. So I understand why she would say I am a safety net for her. After all if he has me he won’t go looking for someone else, someone who may be a threat to her world.
Richard is encouraging a meeting between she and I. I know she has a ton of questions for me. She wants to learn more about me and what it means to be submissive. She has accepted me for the most part into her husbands life. I can hardly believe that. Richard hopes for a time where all of this feels natural and casual..I mean can you imagine the possibilities? I told him I imagined being called over to serve them both….make dinner for them only to be told to kneel by his side as they eat together…lol. Of course that is all just idle chatter. 🙂
“You just do not understand it, do you?” I looked at him curiously noticing the serious tone that had entered his voice.
“Get what Sir?” His eyes swept over me and pulled me in and I knew what he was going to say. I could feel it.
“How I feel about you, what you, what this, what you give me means to me. I know you are feeling the changes here but you are worried for nothing. Do you trust me to give you what you need?”
“Yes Sir.” And I truly did.
“And do you trust me to take what it is I need from you?”
“Yes Sir.” I answered him starting to feel better…realizing that I needed his words. His dominance was reminding me it is never appropriate to doubt him. Never appropriate to allow myself to become unbalanced in this more clearly defined role he has given me within his life. In my eyes the ambiquity has been removed from our relationship…in time, once I am used to the slight shift and the world doesn’t seem to be spinning so fast this will be good for me. I have a feeling that the leash will tighten and I will find myself more intensely connected to him.
“Remember what I told you. You need to feel my hand on you all the time, don’t you? At your throat, around your neck. Know that even when I am not with you, even when I am not talking to you I am thinking about you, loving you, needing you. I Own you. You are my property and I will not leave you wanting.”
“Look at me.” I did and he went on. “Now smile for your Owner, this is all good. You are thinking that there are going to be restrictions and limits coming from her and that isn’t going to happen. Can you not understand why I must tread gently with her right now…allow her to feel a part of this. Even just as a courtesy to know when I am seeing you and where? You are entitled to privacy from her within our relationship and I will make sure you have that.”
I looked down at his hand so close to my own and wanted to bury my face in it..I wanted to drop down to my knees and lay my head in his lap. I was upset about a few things and was determined to not burden him with my thoughts. He knows me, recognizes my moods and questioned me until I told him how I was feeling.
“I am so happy with where we are…it’s like you said. ‘Pinch me and lets see if this is a dream.’ I can hardly believe that we are sitting here across the street having lunch together right out in the open..I can’t believe that you picked up the phone an hour ago and told L I was meeting you for lunch..and that she was alright with it. But all those things are changes and change bothers me a little.”
“I know pet.” he said. His voice encouraged me to continue.
“I know that the two of you are discussing me and some of the limitations she would like to see placed on our relationship and on our meetings. I see you as such a Dominant and this almost seems as if you need approval from L.” He smiled at me again because we both knew that wasn’t how it had been at all. L requested that he see me once a month and Richard refused. “Impossible.” he said “Pixie is a submissive and she needs more than that.” I think then a twice a month was placed on the table and then once a week. Right now we are at a sanctified twice a week deal. One evening and one lunch/long afternoon. I am pleased with this. I know that Richard can take from me what he needs within that agreed upon time frame…plus it is more than I expected to have of him. Another plus..he renewed the lease once again on our apartment. So the apartment we were only going to have for 3 months turned into six…and now it seems we are good for nine. Richard told L about the apartment. That shocked me…I admire him for his honesty. He has really put it all out on the table…and has given her the chance to stay with him and know him for who he truly is. I am amazed at her level of commitment to him. In awe really…because I could not do what it is she is doing.
So with all that said I was trying hard to put to words why I was feeling like I needed reassurance. Earlier that day he was telling me about something that he and L were discussing that morning. Richard and I make a point to talk every morning on the phone. We find ourselves driving into our offices at the same time and I enjoy that time with him over the phone. Often I find it sets the tone for my day. In an off handed comment he repeated something to me that L had said and he told me …” and I went to her and put my arms around her..” the comment went on I think but my brain stopped at that. I told him that I was his biggest fan…that I wanted nothing more than for him and L to be happy together. I have actually started to see one of my roles with my Owner to be supportive of him and his primary relationship. For this to work for him I need to keep my ‘pet’ hat on. I am finding that I need to work on that more.
Yet those words stayed with me and he pressed me to tell him why I looked sad. “It felt different when I knew you were unhappy. When I knew you couldn’t stand the thought of going home when she was there because it was so bad….it is harder for me knowing that I am causing pain there when things aren’t bad, when things are better.”
He interrupted me.
“It’s hard for you knowing that you aren’t the only one making me happy. Right? I understand that. I know how my words touch you sometimes and I am sorry those words hurt you. I am caught between you wanting to know how we are at home and you not wanting to know. I need to tell you enough so your imagination doesn’t make it worse but not enough so that you feel hurt.”
And that is where this all started….”Stop feeling guilty.” he told me.
We finished our lunch. I felt better. I think I just needed to know that I had a place, that he understood that even as I supported his efforts to provide the necessary emotional support that L needed that I still needed to know that I was needed too. As I stood there beside him so he could pay our bill he told me he loved me…that he needed to take me back to his office building. I didn’t say anything. I followed him in silence back across the street to the towering building where he works. I admired his confident step as we brushed past the security guards and he told them I was with him..that I would only be staying a moment. I followed him and he pulled me down a deserted hallway.
“Turn around, let me see what you have under that pretty dress. Are you wearing your new panties….the black lace ones I gave you?” He held my face against the wall and pulled my skirt up with one hand. His hand delivered a hard series of smacks on my bottom. My Owner was spanking me right in the middle of hallway in one of the biggest buildings in the city. It was a hard spanking. He yanked my skirt back down and roughly turned me around me around pressing me hard against he wall, his hand buried in my hair.
“Now…don’t you ever doubt you are needed….or loved. Do not doubt that you give me something that nobody else ever has and that nobody else ever could. I Own you…you are doubting me and I won’t have it. You were insolent earlier today…I won’t have that either. Now you need a good spanking every day to keep you on track but that is impossible. Carry this with you…my hands on your body, taking what I need from you. That is all you need to worry about..that I am taking what I need, getting what I need. Do you understand me?” his hand tightened in my hair before letting me go.
“Yes Sir. ” I whispered to him …a little shaky, a little dazed. He pulled me from the wall and pushed me slightly towards the restroom in the hallway that I hadn’t noticed before. “Go pull yourself together so that you can drive.”
“Yes Sir.” I said walking into the bathroom. I don’t remember going in or what I did. I remember him standing there happy when I walked out. Again, the urge to drop to my knees in front of him was strong. I hated that I doubted myself and my ability to handle all the changes that really aren’t changes after all. I loved that he was able to so wonderfully pull me back on track and leave me feeling Owned and loved.
Tonight as I sit here I am smiling. I am happy with where we are, even happier in my role as his pet and sooo happy that he knows that I will have ups and downs. And that he will support me through them both.