He had adjusted the clasps on my cross at some point so my arms and legs were attached more securely. They were higher, tighter and somehow it made me feel more exposed. As if being naked stretched out in front of him wasn’t quite enough. I know this is part of it for Richard, it always has been. The slow breaking down of boundaries, of walls I didn’t know I had until there is not even the thin veil of modest pride between us. That is where we are now as I am stretched naked out in front of him. Arms and legs pulled apart….all of me open to his gaze and to his touch. I am more helpless with him now that I ever was before…even when I didn’t know him that well and the bridges of trust were being constructed I was never this vulnerable with him. It is because there are no real boundaries, no real or hard limits between us.
I was more stretched out than I had ever been on the cross. My toes barely touched the floor and my arms were high above my head. It seems almost ritualistic to stand there at the cross and willingly lift my arms up to be attached to the metal hooks and then adjust my legs so they too could be restrained. It is a thrilled dark willingness that comes from some place inside of me, from that place that begs to be understood but knowing that if spend too much time wondering I will go crazy. I understand it better each day, I am understood by him better each time I allow him to visit the darkness inside of me that only he can light up. There is so much good here, so much growth and so much positive. Yet, I am at the point where I know I risk my submission faltering. My hope is that it will surge forward and continue to grow just as it has grown over the past several months.
I told Richard that I am feeling the changes; it is making me question the viability of what we have. Is it possible that this wonderful dynamic we have created is to come to an end? It makes me sad of course to even consider that. Our last two times together have been a series of some of the most intense and bond building moments between us. It has grown and is something that even I am in awe of. I didn’t think there could be more, that he could take more or that he would expect more. I know that Richard’s need to give me pain exceeds my ability to take it….I knew that even before he held me down after taking me off the cross. Even before he bit painfully into my breast pulling a small flap of skin into his mouth and then holding it tightly between his fingers…..and even before he told me that this is where he would to drive a small nail into my skin…that this is where he would attach me to the cross next time. Just in and out he said…a small nail through an even smaller expanse of skin. What did I think of that he asked? It is the worst type of questions that can only be answered with a moan. We have grown. There is no doubt in my mind that I am owned, that he is in control of my submission as sure as he is in control of my body when I am with him….and even more lately when I am not with him. I am focused more on him and his ownership of me. He will leave a dark mark on me…a horrible bruise or a vicious cane stroke that will rise up on my skin and linger for days just so he can remind me that he put it there. Just so he can remind me that I am his to do with as he pleases….and that I am loved, and owned. Of this, of all of these things I have no doubts.
Yet I doubt.
I feel a falling away, a slow decent of a vital element that was always just taken for granted between us. One that I need more than the pain itself, more than the direction, more than the heavy feeling of ownership that Richard has brought to my life….it is the slow crumbling of trust. It is an inadvertent pulling away of the dependability of the man that I must be able to trust without question. I feel as if emotionally I have been set adrift on my own. It is a slow pushing away from shore yet I feel his foot firmly on the boat- softly shoving. It scares me to feel like this. Couple that with the heightened level of our physical connection. I feel the strain, I am preoccupied with it and it plays around in my mind like a thought that threatens to cover everything else up. It is a shadow and it reminds me of the same shadow that threatened us when L was preparing to return to the country to live with Richard again….similar to the shadow that made me believe that things would end between us then.
I also am fighting with this guilty feeling that indignantly reminds me I have no right to feel lost. If I feel abandoned it is only because I have grown too dependent, to emotion needy. Who am I to feel as if I am lacking something from him? I am just his submissive, right? Am I allowed to question…to need, to feel sad if my world somehow feels shaken too.
The bomb he dropped on L was life altering and he is beholden to walk her through this darkness until she begins to see some light. I wonder though if I am getting lost in that darkness…if the shadows that he forces between us to keep her settled are too much for me to keep from disappearing into. I fear it may be. I fear that I am slipping away into a place where I can provide physical release to Richard but he will not require me to have a place with him emotionally. He won’t need that from me….as odd as it sounds my very existence in his life and the revelations that my presence prompted in their life makes their relationship more even…they are closer. He has changed towards me and in some ways that I am not going to be able to work with. He is taking less care with me. For example…and I run the risk of this sounding petty or childish but I also know that my readers who are submissive, who thrive on routine and consistency from their Dom will understand me. Richard has always understood that the time after he and I being together is as important as the actual exchange of power and pain. Often he makes it a point that he and I close an evening or time together somewhere public…having dinner..or lunch together. For example when I spent time with Max and Alex it was in our contract that we do something ‘vanilla’ afterwards to close it out in my mind. Just a simple way to make sure I am pulled together. That I have that submissive layer pulled back enough to make me capable of functioning and allowing me to have the strength to keep myself from getting lost in the shadows of the sub-drop that I am prone to.
It is less important somehow now. I take a lot of time and energy and right now Richard is trying hard to convince L that I do not all the while knowing that I do. She referred to what he and I together in an email to me (yes…L and I are communicating) as an arrangement. It has never been an arrangement….it is a relationship. Richard never saw me or what we shared as an arrangement; he never made me feel otherwise until the other night.
The other night….he and I shared an intense evening after which he spent just enough time holding me and talking to me and pulling me (and him) back together. As we lingered at the apartment we shared a feeling of awe that we were so connected…that what we have together just feels so perfect. I never realized though how dependent that feeling hinges on my feeling of safeness and need for nurture by him. There was a feeling of not wanting to leave him or the safeness of the apartment; a place where regardless of what happens or is expected on the outside here within these walls I am his.
I could feel that I was still a little pulled open…a bit foggy, not quite back to where I needed to be. Like I said he is more and more demanding of me physically and I am finding that my threshold for pain is growing steadily as is my ability to control if I allow myself to slip away or not. Keeping in mind my sometimes need for a separate closure of the evening…especially when it was extra intense we decided that we would meet for a bowl of soup before we headed home. It was cold out and there had been an ice storm earlier that day. It was one of those nights where I needed to shake the feeling of ‘safe haven’ that the apartment provides me. I knew that part of it was the newness of knowing that when he left me he was going home to L where in the past it was always him just going home to an empty house. Typically we would share a long conversation….a debriefing so to speak. All the nighttime reassurance that a submissive like me requires to get past the creeping dropping feelings that sometimes comes after taking a large amount of pain can usually be met by that last word before I close my eyes. That obviously wasn’t going to happen as I was very much aware that just as this was a first to me…it was the first time that L was home alone waiting for Richard to come home.
I knew Richard needed and expected me to be strong for him.
I so desperately wanted to do that. He followed me to the restaurant but motioned for me to not get out, instead he got out and got into my car. He said he needed to get home. That he needed me to be strong and that he needed to go home.
I can’t begin to describe how his words made me feel. I felt like he withdrew from me and I felt a strong need to pull away from him, from this man who pulled so much out of me moments before yet all of a sudden seemed so unwilling to put something back. I am not sure why I reacted so negatively. I felt as if he had reached in and just snapped off apiece of me that he had grown…s piece of me that always trusted him to do as he said. I was confused and unsure why he would decide to not spend an extra few minutes with me. I told him that I would rather he said goodbye to me at the apartment instead of changing his mind. I felt insignificant…as if all that had happened over the past few hours now that it was over didn’t matter to him. That maybe I was just going to be this physical release for him that would complete him somehow because he doesn’t have it with L….yet I would have to learn to take the lack and the loss of his love and care because he is getting that from her.
I told Richard that I feel as if my submission to him is deeper than it ever has been. He feels it too and he knows we have somehow crossed over another boundary where there is no resistance between his need and my willingness to meet those needs. I am falling back, falling away and I have no doubt about that. Liam describes this entire situation as Richard changing the rules on me halfway through the game. I wonder if he is right somehow, I am not sure about that. I know Liam has his own agenda in regards to Richard. Mark said that I needed to be cautious that I didn’t fall into a pattern of allowing myself to be used (in a bad way).
I do know that for all the good Richard’s revelation has given to his relationship with L and really even to what he and I have it has taken something away. I am aware that open conversation with Richard is the only way I can get through this. He demands I tell him how I am feeling even if it isn’t what he wants to hear. He wants to know so he can be supportive of my needs. We are not able to communicate as freely as what I am accustomed to…especially on the evenings and weekends. It was easier before she knew….I had more of him because he wasn’t cushioning everything against her reaction. Yesterday he called me and told me it was just a quick check in…he wanted to hear my voice and know I was safe as I was traveling. He told me to expect a real call from later, that I would hear from him again. I never did. I got a text message that said he had compromised….that he wasn’t calling me but he was texting me. I felt cold as if he wasn’t the one who compromised….it was me who was compromised. For the second time in as many days he broke a trust with me. The one I trust more than anyone else…the very person I must completely trust just to insure my ability to submit to him had broken that trust two times. I emailed him……..
“I know I was upset when you didn’t call me and I can explain that. You have never let me down before, not ever. Right now it seems like my emotions are of very little importance to you in the grand scheme of things and I suppose that only makes sense because ‘wife’ pulls rank. I expected to hear from you today again not because I felt entitled to it but because you, my Dom, my Owner said that I would. I expected to sit down and have soup w/ you the other night not because I needed more ‘wind down’ time or because I felt entitled to that extra time with you but because you said that we would. I need to know that I can trust you, THAT is why this has worked so well between us. If I can’t trust you to do what you say to me I can’t trust you to take care of me emotionally. Right now I feel as if that isn’t your priority and of course it isn’t but at least I need to know that you aren’t just saying to me what I want to hear and then letting me down. Please…please don’t say I will hear from you if I won’t…and please don’t plan time with me if you can’t. It builds me up and gives me strength only to be let down. I know how hard this is, on you and on her. You say it is worth it. And maybe to you it is. Right now to me, it is hard. I don’t have good feelings right now about this. I feel sort of let go by you to fend for myself and I am not good with this. You know even more than I do that what I give you takes so much from me. Maybe there is something to be said for you and I slowing all this down to an almost ‘halt’ to give her time to get used to it. I know that I can’t intensify my level of submission to you and the pain I take from you but have the emotional support decreased. THAT is exactly what has happened and it has left me feeling pulled apart and vulnerable. I don’t like it. I can’t do it this way. You said today you compromised by TM me instead of calling me. Fine except you said…I will call you later today. Coming off of Friday I should have been able to talk to you today like you said I would. It makes me sad that you are so able to forget my needs…sad and happy at the same time. Happy because the less you put into me the more you have to give her…and that is where your life and future is, and that is where your energy should go. I am learning that lesson right now in my own way.”
And I am. I know that there are relationships for me that I am withholding myself from because I have Richard. Because he meets that emotional need and physical need in my life. Because it was enough- Now it is less…and it makes wonder if I am doing the right thing. I do not really want to be the one who makes his marriage better…not if I am losing parts of what I have with him. I am his submissive…but with that comes the knowledge that my needs as his submissive must be considered and met. I acknowledge things have changed…I am not feeling the same. I want to believe this is temporary…the potential between he and I with her knowing looks bright. I know we have some adventures ahead but it won’t work, it can’t work if the basic element of trust is gone. Where will that leave me…when trust is broken I see it differently. It changes my level of submission….it leaves me in that scary place where I do not know if the cost is too high or if it is worth waiting out.