control · D/s · focus · restraints · Richard

trust

He had adjusted the clasps on my cross at some point so my arms and legs were attached more securely. They were higher, tighter and somehow it made me feel more exposed. As if being naked stretched out in front of him wasn’t quite enough. I know this is part of it for Richard, it always has been. The slow breaking down of boundaries, of walls I didn’t know I had until there is not even the thin veil of modest pride between us. That is where we are now as I am stretched naked out in front of him. Arms and legs pulled apart….all of me open to his gaze and to his touch. I am more helpless with him now that I ever was before…even when I didn’t know him that well and the bridges of trust were being constructed I was never this vulnerable with him. It is because there are no real boundaries, no real or hard limits between us.

I was more stretched out than I had ever been on the cross. My toes barely touched the floor and my arms were high above my head. It seems almost ritualistic to stand there at the cross and willingly lift my arms up to be attached to the metal hooks and then adjust my legs so they too could be restrained. It is a thrilled dark willingness that comes from some place inside of me, from that place that begs to be understood but knowing that if spend too much time wondering I will go crazy. I understand it better each day, I am understood by him better each time I allow him to visit the darkness inside of me that only he can light up. There is so much good here, so much growth and so much positive. Yet, I am at the point where I know I risk my submission faltering. My hope is that it will surge forward and continue to grow just as it has grown over the past several months.

I told Richard that I am feeling the changes; it is making me question the viability of what we have. Is it possible that this wonderful dynamic we have created is to come to an end? It makes me sad of course to even consider that. Our last two times together have been a series of some of the most intense and bond building moments between us. It has grown and is something that even I am in awe of. I didn’t think there could be more, that he could take more or that he would expect more. I know that Richard’s need to give me pain exceeds my ability to take it….I knew that even before he held me down after taking me off the cross. Even before he bit painfully into my breast pulling a small flap of skin into his mouth and then holding it tightly between his fingers…..and even before he told me that this is where he would to drive a small nail into my skin…that this is where he would attach me to the cross next time. Just in and out he said…a small nail through an even smaller expanse of skin. What did I think of that he asked? It is the worst type of questions that can only be answered with a moan. We have grown. There is no doubt in my mind that I am owned, that he is in control of my submission as sure as he is in control of my body when I am with him….and even more lately when I am not with him. I am focused more on him and his ownership of me. He will leave a dark mark on me…a horrible bruise or a vicious cane stroke that will rise up on my skin and linger for days just so he can remind me that he put it there. Just so he can remind me that I am his to do with as he pleases….and that I am loved, and owned. Of this, of all of these things I have no doubts.

Yet I doubt.

I feel a falling away, a slow decent of a vital element that was always just taken for granted between us. One that I need more than the pain itself, more than the direction, more than the heavy feeling of ownership that Richard has brought to my life….it is the slow crumbling of trust. It is an inadvertent pulling away of the dependability of the man that I must be able to trust without question. I feel as if emotionally I have been set adrift on my own. It is a slow pushing away from shore yet I feel his foot firmly on the boat- softly shoving. It scares me to feel like this. Couple that with the heightened level of our physical connection. I feel the strain, I am preoccupied with it and it plays around in my mind like a thought that threatens to cover everything else up. It is a shadow and it reminds me of the same shadow that threatened us when L was preparing to return to the country to live with Richard again….similar to the shadow that made me believe that things would end between us then.

I also am fighting with this guilty feeling that indignantly reminds me I have no right to feel lost. If I feel abandoned it is only because I have grown too dependent, to emotion needy. Who am I to feel as if I am lacking something from him? I am just his submissive, right? Am I allowed to question…to need, to feel sad if my world somehow feels shaken too.

The bomb he dropped on L was life altering and he is beholden to walk her through this darkness until she begins to see some light. I wonder though if I am getting lost in that darkness…if the shadows that he forces between us to keep her settled are too much for me to keep from disappearing into. I fear it may be. I fear that I am slipping away into a place where I can provide physical release to Richard but he will not require me to have a place with him emotionally. He won’t need that from me….as odd as it sounds my very existence in his life and the revelations that my presence prompted in their life makes their relationship more even…they are closer. He has changed towards me and in some ways that I am not going to be able to work with. He is taking less care with me. For example…and I run the risk of this sounding petty or childish but I also know that my readers who are submissive, who thrive on routine and consistency from their Dom will understand me. Richard has always understood that the time after he and I being together is as important as the actual exchange of power and pain. Often he makes it a point that he and I close an evening or time together somewhere public…having dinner..or lunch together. For example when I spent time with Max and Alex it was in our contract that we do something ‘vanilla’ afterwards to close it out in my mind. Just a simple way to make sure I am pulled together. That I have that submissive layer pulled back enough to make me capable of functioning and allowing me to have the strength to keep myself from getting lost in the shadows of the sub-drop that I am prone to.

It is less important somehow now. I take a lot of time and energy and right now Richard is trying hard to convince L that I do not all the while knowing that I do. She referred to what he and I together in an email to me (yes…L and I are communicating) as an arrangement. It has never been an arrangement….it is a relationship. Richard never saw me or what we shared as an arrangement; he never made me feel otherwise until the other night.

The other night….he and I shared an intense evening after which he spent just enough time holding me and talking to me and pulling me (and him) back together. As we lingered at the apartment we shared a feeling of awe that we were so connected…that what we have together just feels so perfect. I never realized though how dependent that feeling hinges on my feeling of safeness and need for nurture by him. There was a feeling of not wanting to leave him or the safeness of the apartment; a place where regardless of what happens or is expected on the outside here within these walls I am his.

I could feel that I was still a little pulled open…a bit foggy, not quite back to where I needed to be. Like I said he is more and more demanding of me physically and I am finding that my threshold for pain is growing steadily as is my ability to control if I allow myself to slip away or not. Keeping in mind my sometimes need for a separate closure of the evening…especially when it was extra intense we decided that we would meet for a bowl of soup before we headed home. It was cold out and there had been an ice storm earlier that day. It was one of those nights where I needed to shake the feeling of ‘safe haven’ that the apartment provides me. I knew that part of it was the newness of knowing that when he left me he was going home to L where in the past it was always him just going home to an empty house. Typically we would share a long conversation….a debriefing so to speak. All the nighttime reassurance that a submissive like me requires to get past the creeping dropping feelings that sometimes comes after taking a large amount of pain can usually be met by that last word before I close my eyes. That obviously wasn’t going to happen as I was very much aware that just as this was a first to me…it was the first time that L was home alone waiting for Richard to come home.

I knew Richard needed and expected me to be strong for him.

I so desperately wanted to do that. He followed me to the restaurant but motioned for me to not get out, instead he got out and got into my car. He said he needed to get home. That he needed me to be strong and that he needed to go home.

I can’t begin to describe how his words made me feel. I felt like he withdrew from me and I felt a strong need to pull away from him, from this man who pulled so much out of me moments before yet all of a sudden seemed so unwilling to put something back. I am not sure why I reacted so negatively. I felt as if he had reached in and just snapped off apiece of me that he had grown…s piece of me that always trusted him to do as he said. I was confused and unsure why he would decide to not spend an extra few minutes with me. I told him that I would rather he said goodbye to me at the apartment instead of changing his mind. I felt insignificant…as if all that had happened over the past few hours now that it was over didn’t matter to him. That maybe I was just going to be this physical release for him that would complete him somehow because he doesn’t have it with L….yet I would have to learn to take the lack and the loss of his love and care because he is getting that from her.

I told Richard that I feel as if my submission to him is deeper than it ever has been. He feels it too and he knows we have somehow crossed over another boundary where there is no resistance between his need and my willingness to meet those needs. I am falling back, falling away and I have no doubt about that. Liam describes this entire situation as Richard changing the rules on me halfway through the game. I wonder if he is right somehow, I am not sure about that. I know Liam has his own agenda in regards to Richard. Mark said that I needed to be cautious that I didn’t fall into a pattern of allowing myself to be used (in a bad way).

I do know that for all the good Richard’s revelation has given to his relationship with L and really even to what he and I have it has taken something away. I am aware that open conversation with Richard is the only way I can get through this. He demands I tell him how I am feeling even if it isn’t what he wants to hear. He wants to know so he can be supportive of my needs. We are not able to communicate as freely as what I am accustomed to…especially on the evenings and weekends. It was easier before she knew….I had more of him because he wasn’t cushioning everything against her reaction. Yesterday he called me and told me it was just a quick check in…he wanted to hear my voice and know I was safe as I was traveling. He told me to expect a real call from later, that I would hear from him again. I never did. I got a text message that said he had compromised….that he wasn’t calling me but he was texting me. I felt cold as if he wasn’t the one who compromised….it was me who was compromised. For the second time in as many days he broke a trust with me. The one I trust more than anyone else…the very person I must completely trust just to insure my ability to submit to him had broken that trust two times. I emailed him……..

“I know I was upset when you didn’t call me and I can explain that. You have never let me down before, not ever. Right now it seems like my emotions are of very little importance to you in the grand scheme of things and I suppose that only makes sense because ‘wife’ pulls rank. I expected to hear from you today again not because I felt entitled to it but because you, my Dom, my Owner said that I would. I expected to sit down and have soup w/ you the other night not because I needed more ‘wind down’ time or because I felt entitled to that extra time with you but because you said that we would. I need to know that I can trust you, THAT is why this has worked so well between us. If I can’t trust you to do what you say to me I can’t trust you to take care of me emotionally. Right now I feel as if that isn’t your priority and of course it isn’t but at least I need to know that you aren’t just saying to me what I want to hear and then letting me down. Please…please don’t say I will hear from you if I won’t…and please don’t plan time with me if you can’t. It builds me up and gives me strength only to be let down. I know how hard this is, on you and on her. You say it is worth it. And maybe to you it is. Right now to me, it is hard. I don’t have good feelings right now about this. I feel sort of let go by you to fend for myself and I am not good with this. You know even more than I do that what I give you takes so much from me. Maybe there is something to be said for you and I slowing all this down to an almost ‘halt’ to give her time to get used to it. I know that I can’t intensify my level of submission to you and the pain I take from you but have the emotional support decreased. THAT is exactly what has happened and it has left me feeling pulled apart and vulnerable. I don’t like it. I can’t do it this way. You said today you compromised by TM me instead of calling me. Fine except you said…I will call you later today. Coming off of Friday I should have been able to talk to you today like you said I would. It makes me sad that you are so able to forget my needs…sad and happy at the same time. Happy because the less you put into me the more you have to give her…and that is where your life and future is, and that is where your energy should go. I am learning that lesson right now in my own way.”

And I am. I know that there are relationships for me that I am withholding myself from because I have Richard. Because he meets that emotional need and physical need in my life. Because it was enough- Now it is less…and it makes wonder if I am doing the right thing. I do not really want to be the one who makes his marriage better…not if I am losing parts of what I have with him. I am his submissive…but with that comes the knowledge that my needs as his submissive must be considered and met. I acknowledge things have changed…I am not feeling the same. I want to believe this is temporary…the potential between he and I with her knowing looks bright. I know we have some adventures ahead but it won’t work, it can’t work if the basic element of trust is gone. Where will that leave me…when trust is broken I see it differently. It changes my level of submission….it leaves me in that scary place where I do not know if the cost is too high or if it is worth waiting out.

24 thoughts on “trust

  1. That place (where what he takes from you isn’t equal to what he gives to you) is a hard place to be. While our situations are vastly different that place is the same. I know I can’t make this comment make much sense, but I can deeply understand what you said about being the release he needs, but not getting the love and care that belongs to L. I found myself in so many sentences of this post. I hope you both find a middle ground that brings you both what you need and want.

  2. Oh sweetie! My heart goes out to you. I can feel the anguish and the anxiety in your words. Please remember the only constant in life we can count on is change. By this I mean that this too shall pass…you will get relief. Richard will as well.

  3. Hope you can sort things out. It does soundreally tough,and I dont envy the placethat you find yourself in. Maybe Richard in fact does need to give less in some ways now,since its all out in the open with his wife etc.
    In my mind Richard is compartmentalising his life alot presently,and that will always bring pain as inevitably emotional overlap will always exist.

    I wish you well,and hope you can feel secure again with Richard,

  4. i have not commented on your blog in awhile…but i have been reading. What is going on with Richard, L and you…i went through with M. There is an entry in my personal journal…the one i kept for M, hand written as He wanted it. Talking about the shadows…i will pull it out of storage this week and email you the entry. It is hard to be the “other woman” when the primary partner knows of you….even if you don’t see yourself that way, L does.
    If there is anything you need…you know where to find me on the other side…i have been through all you are going through right now…i can lend an ear…if you need it.
    (((hugs)))

    lc

  5. poor pixie, my heart goes out to you as well. what hurts the most is all you give him. i and i bet most of your readers are amazeed at the level of your submission. to lose some of the return as a submissive isn’t needy it is the natural reaction. what R may be forgetting is that he led you to this place. he made you needy and dependent on him in some ways and maybe Liam is right. maybe the rules were changed midway through this game. nobody is forcing you to play pixie. take care of yourself. losing trust is not the way to end this with Richard. what you two share is too real to let it end in distrust and worry. i understand that L needs reassurance but so do you. do not feel ashamed for asking for it. you are not his wife but big f’ing deal, does that make your role any less real? does it make your love for him or his love for you any less real? he has you now and should be as commited to walking you through this ‘darkness’ as he is her.
    i am worried about you pixiepie. you have my email if you need to chat. take care and stay strong. maybe you just need some time and some space away from Richard. maybe L needs you to give them some space. can you do that without sliding backwards in your submission?

  6. I am sure Richard has valid reasons for doing what he is doing. He is a most caring Dominant and he knows how important your trust is. It is a gift and one he may accidently be treating carelessly. Dominants make mistakes too pixie. Nobody is fallible. He knows how impoirtant his word is to you. If he broke it, even twice, there must be an explanation. It is your own insecurities making you think the worst.

  7. It is just a word pixie, is it not? It is a word through the phone that can reinforce that feeling of ownership. I am disappointed in Richard. He knows this and is letting you down. Be careful what you give of yourself pixie. It may be that you are just not needed so as much as you are before. You are Richard’s submissive but you are entitled to your feelings, to the respect of a kept promise. Nothing, nothing, nothing is as important that you to be able to believe your Dominant 100%. These are little things but they will impact you greatly. I am less optimistic for you and Richard pixie. I know you are in pain. I hate that you feel ‘set adrift’. As a sub, as a young women placed in a vulnerable spot that is a lonely place to be.

  8. Change is scary. Especially emotional change, because so much of it happens under the surface.

    It sounds like Richard is going through a lot emotionally. This sounds terrible, but I mean it in the warmest possible way: Try to remember his actions are not all about you. I know you have compassion for Richard’s situation, but sometimes it might be hard to keep track of when you are feeling lost or scared yourself. If he lets you down a little bit, it might be not that he’s withdrawing but that he is struggling with his own feelings.

  9. I am trying to be positive for you both but the pessimist in my is winning:

    “She referred to what he and I together in an email to me (yes…L and I are communicating) as an arrangement. It has never been an arrangement….it is a relationship”

    Why would L refer to what you both have as an “arrangement”. Does she not know that Richard is in love with you as well? And tells you this often? Or does she think/has she been told that this is a purely sexual relationship? I can imagine that R wants to exercise “damage limitation” for L but does he not think that being referred to in this way/or being thought of in this way is damaging for you? Being thought of as a lesser part of Richards life than what you actually are and mocking what you share together.

    It feels, from the way that you are writing (and I know that we only have your POV) as though the lines which were clear and defined are now blury. You have both been able to “act” like a twosome; and now you are a threesome. This is a whole new ball game.

    Although my understanding of Poly relationships are limited, and I can in no way begin to offer advice or my opinion, I ask you both this: how can a poly relationship survive when not everyone is poly? All of you know the rules, yes, but not everyone fully agrees or accepts the game that they are playing?

    Pixie, is Richard asking for too much from you and your submission and offering too little in return?

    Richard, is Pixie asking for more than you are willing to give her now?

  10. Pixie,

    Big hugs to you. I know that I cannot say anything to make it less painful right now, other than to echo your comments who have said that this too shall pass. Change is very hard. My very best wishes to you both.

    I’m confused by the poly remark left by a previous commenter. Richard and you (and L?) have no desire to make this a threeway and/or poly relationship, do you?

  11. Dear little pixie,

    I’ve been both sub, and Dom.. so I do know both sides of the coin intimately. Giving more and getting less is extremely painful, and not a place one can stay for long.

    It has seemed in the past that Richard understood in the past what you needed. I know from past experiences that one of the worst things a Dom can do is to promise to call or spend time, and then not do it. My past Master did that over and over until My heart broke, and in the end, I had to break it off because the emotional pain of that, was more then any he might have inflicted on Me physically. It hurt.. it felt like My heart had been ripped out.. and I grieved for almost a year. But. then.. it was time to move on, and so I did. And what I found after, was so much better then anything I could have imagined.

    As a Mystress to Myne own submissive now, I keep that experience very very close in mind and heart. I never make a promise I can’t keep. I never say I am going to contact him and then don’t. It is important that a Dom be IMPECCABLE with their word above all things. A sub counts on that, needs that. Trust and Communication are the life blood of a submissive. It is that which allows them to be who and what they are to their Dom and survive intact.

    Like so many other’s that have read your blog and the pain in your heart, I had great hopes when Richard told his wife about you, that perhaps it would all work out alright. And time will tell. But.. I would advise that you do try to protect yourself emotionally somehow so that the wounds of neglect, even unintentional will not be so devastating to you.

    I am sure I am not the only one of your readers who is curious as to what Richards response to your letter was. Please take care of yourself pixie…

    Sending you the warmest of wishes,
    Mystress

  12. Richard…NO 😦

    Loss of trust can frequently be the kiss of death in a D/s relationship.

    Consistency is key…. keeping your word and being able to RELY on you to “say what you mean and “MEAN” what you say” is sooo very important. It feeds our desire to feel safe, protected and cared for.

    Poor Pixie Pie….I hope things have righted themselves since you posted this 😦

  13. Perhaps my meaning/understanding of a poly relationship is incorrect. ….However, Pixie does not define herself as the “other woman” as she states that she is in a relationship with Richard. But then R is also in a relationship with L. I think in a previous post, Pixie referred to Richard “being the only one that is truly poly”

    Just did a search and found this definition of poly:

    “Polyamory, in which participants have multiple romantic partners”

    So I guess to be poly doesn’t necessarily mean that to be in a poly relationship, all of the people involved do not have to be romantically involved with each other………..so they are in a poly relationship.

    Or if I am totally wrong, someone rein me in and show me the err of my thinking!?!?

  14. I’ll clarify my question so it does not get lost in semantics. I’ve always viewed ‘poly’ as a relationship between two or more people (rather than ‘getting some on the side but my spouse knows’). Wikipedia provides much better words than I could ever to explain my view:

    The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved.

    This term was meant to be inclusive, and in that context, we have never intended to particularly exclude “swinging” per se, if practitioners thereof wished to adopt the term and include themselves… The two essential ingredients of the concept of polyamory are more than one; and loving. That is, it is expected that the people in such relationships have a loving emotional bond, are involved in each other’s lives multi-dimensionally, and care for each other. This term is not intended to apply to merely casual recreational sex, anonymous orgies, one-night stands, pick-ups, prostitution, “cheating,” serial monogamy, or the popular definition of swinging as “mate-swapping” parties.

    Back to my question. What I was asking is if the three of them will have a relationship or even an emotional bond. I’m not suggesting that Pixie & L will ever have any type of sexual relationship and I don’t mean to label them as ‘sisters’ in the lifestyle way – but I guess that is what I am asking.

    And I mean no offense by this, but even though Pixie may not wish to think of herself as the other woman – isn’t that exactly what she was for all those months?

    I’m thrilled that Richard told his spouse – as I could not see how they could possibility continue without her knowing.

    Blush

  15. Blush – I was not trying to offend by my questioning in anyway and appreciate your response. I’m still very much a learner in the D/s sense and as well as other aspects of relationships. I too got my definition from Wikipedia…….

    Definitions aside; I guess people interpret things in different ways. And perhaps, some things can not be defined as there are too many variables.

  16. as far as being poly goes..i agree that everyone can interpret it the way they want to. i also think that i may have been wrong…when i think of being poly i too think of being in multiple relationships..loving multiple people..etc. i was wrong when i said that Richard was the only one who was truly poly. i disagree with that. i am in fact in some ways ploy..poly by association. 🙂 i am in a relationship with Richard knowing he is in a relationship with L..she maintains a relationship with him knowing that he is in a relationship with me. i also disagree withe the mindset that a person can only love one person…i have loved more than one person at a time. all of us have. you can love more than one child…both sets of grandparents..both parents (unless one is completly insane but I am not going there today :))…so where is it written a person can’t love more than one man or woman. craziness.
    i love Richard…but as I loved him I also developed feelings for Liam. And now that Liam and I have re-worked the basis of our relationship I can allow myself to feel the love for him that did in fact develop but on a different level.
    it.
    so maybe all definitions are right..we just all come at it with different experiences. for me to say i am not poly reinforces my wanting richard all to myself..it rejects the primary relationship in his life. i am not rejecting that…as hard as it is for me to feel as if i am not getting as much of his attention (even though..i know i really am :)) i support what is going on.

  17. well said pixie! bravo on the post and the more recent comment. i am learning so much from you. this blog is a source of guidance to me and my relationship with Mike. 🙂

  18. well said ~A, but as your Dom I must ask this. If you are so educated and inspired by pixie why was last night such an issue for you?

    and sorry pixie for using your blog as a means to chastise my own wayward submissive. A little creative humilitation never hurt anyone.

  19. Our experiences shape the way that we think, act and hold ourselves through life. They mould us into the people that we are today and will be in the future. Pixie I think that you are right on some points; but I also think that not everything can be defined. No one or no thing fits into a “category” perfectly; labels and definitions are given to make understanding what these things are easier and as identifiers (i.e. that person likes to have sex with men; he is a homosexual)

    …..agree to disagree on some points?

  20. I won’t pretend to have done a great job with this recently. I have made several easily identifiable mistakes. I have learned something from them. L rightly says – give me some time to come to grips with this, it has only been three weeks, and the two of you have had 7 months to figure things out. pixie rightly says – I have to deal with changes on my side too; I don’t have what I used to have and I am feeling disconnected, especially when you don’t deliver as promised.

    I don’t expect pixie to watch out for L and I don’t expect L to watch our for pixie. I am having a little trouble getting each of them to understand that I am trying to watch out for both of them, as well as myself, and that when a conflict comes up, I am stuck with the job of deciding what to do about it. Sometimes that means someone is disappointed. I could have done some things differently that would have greatly reduced the disappointments – live and learn.

    We keep talking about setting out guidelines, understandings, rules, to govern the relationships. We keep talking without actually settling on any understandings as each of us struggles with the compromises necessary to get there. But we are making progress. I see more than ever that both L and pixie need this – it will add to their security in their own position; it will minimize the conflicts; it will help define, limit AND protect the space that each of them has. I think we are close.

    Every day is a challenge. If there was no other stresses in our lives this would be true. But of course, there are some huge stresses in our lives that are invisible here. It has a been a long time since I have felt depressed, and some days depression is clearly there. Then there are the good days, and the sun shines again and everyone is smiling. 🙂

    As I said to pixie this morning, I have been away from the blog for a few days and I told her I would be posting my “mea culpa.” This is harder than any of us thought and I, like everyone, am learning how to go about it. Learning from my mistakes in this case.

    We aren’t giving up just yet.

  21. Wow. Pixie. I’m stunned and so impressed that you have the courage to write a post of this depth. Someone has said to me, before- only the strongest can submit. You are. To write this… knowing that Richard will read it.

    (Despite all that I have done, this would not be one of them.)

    Hugs to you my darling. I have faith that you will always find the right path. For you will know it in your own hear. Richard, too will be by your side. Where you both are is hard, and I admire you both.

  22. A lot has been said in all these wonderful comments, so I am only going to add a small bit to it:

    Remember us, your readers dear Pixie. We are here for you. Some of us, such as myself, have only been with you for a little while, and already we (or I at least) feel like we are seeing an intimate portrait of your submission. I feel like you are letting me in, and allowing me to be a friend. For others who have been with you much longer, I am sure hey have felt this for some time already.

    I hope that everyone’s comments have helped you, and perhaps Richard as well, to move through this darkness.

    There is always light, if you look hard enough

    Hidenka

  23. As usual i get to the bottom of the comments and the post and am lost for words. Just know that you have so many unknown friends who wish you all well. love katie xxx

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