I have spent a lot of time over the past couple weeks trying to pin-point exactly why I feel the sand shifting beneath my feet. I know that fundamentally life hasn’t changed with Richard. He is still my Dominant. I am still his submissive. He still has every intention of taking me, using me, and hurting me. As far as that goes nothing has changed.


It’s more that our situation is different, not our feelings for each other and not my place in his life. Well….maybe my place in his life is somewhat different. From my perspective it is exceeding and increasing different….though he is trying hard to convince me otherwise. A new place doesn’t always mean worse…it doesn’t always mean better either. I used to think I was pretty resilient, that change didn’t matter that much to me. I am finding though that any change directed towards this relationship or if I feel the change threatens my submission (which I have grown to value so much as an intricate part of my personality) I reject it, I fight it and I tend to pick all the little negatives out and leave the positives in the bowl.  Richard has called me on that and I am aware that it a problem for me.


I think that not unlike other submissives I feel things on a deeper level, feelings and events and words have a way of wrapping themselves around my heart and staying there. I wound easily, bruise easily and for all my strength I am feeling this soft sort of almost fragile part emerge. In my mind it is soft in my hands as I hold it up to him as I sit and wait to see what it is he will do with it.


It makes me sensitive…needy at times and paranoid of slipping off this ladder that is holding my head only slightly above water. Right now it is a blend of feelings that are pulling at me and their voices are getting louder and louder. They have somehow wormed their way into the part of my psyche that makes me question if this is still good for me. I have never questioned if Richard was good for me. I know he has questioned it but I have always stepped up to defend what we have, all that we give and take from each other has always spoken for itself. Now I am finding that my submission to him, while still making me feel strong and directed internally, right here on the superficial surface I am questioning my worth. Some of the importance has been silenced. Am I less his submissive and more of a convenience to him all of a sudden? I wonder to myself…and I hate, hate, hate the feeling that comes with wondering that. I don’t like my shifting faith, the feelings that I slide down into when I do not have touch with him….you know, when my ‘appointment’ is over. Today I am wondering- what is my true role with him? I have all my feelings for him in one bag and for all our sakes this is the bag that I am trying to keep closed. At the same time I am desperately trying to refill the bag that holds my submission, my deference, my longing and desire for him. For this bag is the bag he can carry around with him. This is the bag he can open and show L the contents of …..when really all I want is one bag. Is there a way to have only one bag?


 I am seeing him tonight. I am not sitting here nervous and excited the way I typically would before seeing him. Our world is less naturally constructed and I am finding it is hard to understand. It is hard to throw myself into something that is rising up to meet me from the bottom. I am so scared that I will stand in front of him and know that I can’t do it. That there is nothing there to pull from because deep inside me I know there is nothing there to refill it with. He told me to trust him. He will take what he needs; he will give me what I need. I trust him…but what if what he can give and what I need are incompatible…what if they in fact negatively bounce off each other leaving us both ducking. I am so afraid of feeling the way I felt last week. I am so afraid that he will empty me and leave me empty and never even know it.


I feel like an appointment. Tonight I am an appointment, we have an appointment. We have ‘L’ designed guidelines now that are constructing the confines of our relationship. I think guidelines are necessary, I think ground rules are necessary. I want them to keep myself grounded, to allow myself enough time and energy to enter into a relationship with a man that will place no limits on me, a man who will want and need me to be woven into every aspect of his life. So yes, rules are necessary. But they need to help, not hurt. Right now they are hurting. They are hurting me and they are chipping away at what I know I can offer him. I feel as if they are carelessly made to offer a shallow reassurance…doing more harm than good all around. It takes nothing from her and only provides her the satisfaction and reassurance that she is taking something from me.


Here is the deal for now….here is our relationship ‘guidelines’. I see Richard one evening a week and then we lunch together one day a week. I have access to him via phone/ text message all week throughout the day but will respect her right to have her husband to herself in the evenings and on the weekends. All of this I can accept. Even the weekend deal simply because it is right….it is fair and she deserves that time with Richard uncluttered by me. Now though there are limits upon limits….imagine the Dr. Seuss book where every time the cat takes off his hat there is another ‘thing’ on his head over and over again until there are a little red ‘things’ all in a shaky tower? That is how I feel….as if every time a hat is lifted there is another hat. For example….there is a specific time she is going to expect him home. I may have him four hours….and maybe I should be grateful for that. And the good girl submissive in me is saying that I should be, that four hours is plenty of time for him to take what he needs, that four hours is more than I would have on an evening if the decision was never made to tell her. But then the bad girl submissive is rearing up and feels indignant. She doesn’t want her submission to be micromanaged…she doesn’t want her one evening with her Owner to be spent watching the clock. I have gracefully conceded to her right to set boundaries and Richard’s responsibility to go slowly with her through this acceptance process…so why is the idea of tonight and there being a time limit so horrible for me. Why am I so tempted to say…Richard, I can’t do this….I am too scared that I will feel broken and sad and lonely afterwards?

So bad sub….good sub….their voices whisper.


And who wins? The bad girl of course…and maybe because I am a horrible sub. Maybe because what I have with Richard is too meaningful for me to let it drip away until it is a puddle only reflecting back the negative? Or most likely because I am a submissive who misses her Dominant…I miss having him for hours and hours and for days at a time and without that I feel torn in small pieces. Does all that make me selfish? Perhaps…perhaps even unapologetically selfish. I feel as if the hard part is over, it is behind us. L knows about me and she has accepted me into her world and into Richard’s world…..yet why do I feel like such with acceptance brings avoidance and change.

22 thoughts on “today

  1. This is my opinion and no more, so you can take it, or leave it.

    But truthfully I think you hit the nail on the head at the end of this post by saying you were being selfish.

    One quote that made me do a double take, in refrence to L and her compromise you said- “It takes nothing from her and only provides her the satisfaction and reassurance that she is taking something from me.”


    This woman has been married to this man for over 20 years, and she has just heard about his needs as a dominant. And that he has been having an affair with you, and that he has no intention of stopping. Do you think perhaps she is in emotional shambles at this point? Do you think she may be hurting-gasp- more than you are? Do you think becuase she is not submissive, that somehow she doesnt feel things as deeply as submissives do? I find that unbelievable.

    It’s like the entry you wrote before this where you went out of your way to put her title of wife- in quotes. As if she isn’t really- just technically. Pixie- you and Richard made this arrangment. You both knew people could get hurt including yourselves. You entered into this “arrangment” of your OWN FREE WILL. L DID NOT!! This was thrust upon her. And honestly I think she has been far more generous with Richard and you- then I would have guessed a wife in her position would be likely to be. She has shown tremendous love of Richard, that she is working to understand all this. It certainly isn’t her responsibility to do so- but she has been amazing.

    I don’t doubt for one second that this is VERY hard for you. I really don’t. I feel for you. But you knew you were putting yourself in a precarious place when you started this relationship with Richard. You knew the score. His wife did not become part of this situation of her own free will, and she also just had it all thrust upon her.

    I would lose a lot of respect for Richard if he was anything less than comforting to her in this situation that must feel like her life crumbling. I would urge you to feel sad if you need to. But to try to not guilt trip him, and by extension L – by making it their responsibility to make you feel better.

    Sending you hugs. I do hope you can either learn to blossom in this new situation, or to find the strength to move to another situation. And I wish the same for Richard and L.

  2. Sweetie, I think it’s only natural that you feel this way. You are realizing that you need more than a Dom who has a schedule of when he can see you. You need someone you can see whenever you desire. And now you can’t. So yes of course you feel restricted. Thats just the way it is. He is married… Perhaps things will change and you will get more time.. but really, it will always be by appointment. Thats just the realities of dating a married man. .. and I have been there, so I think I do have a right to say it. I wish you nothing by happiness sweetie… and I hope you find it.

  3. Oh, so much to say.

    Less than a week ago I told you to never again say you were the “worst kind of sub.” Being a stickler for words, I suppose I should not complain when instead you say you are a “horrible” sub. Must I list every negative word and forbid your using it to get you to understand what an amazing submissive you are? pixie, pixie, pixie……

    We all have, are having, our ups and downs. It does not make you a bad sub.

    I know that at 3 a.m. when you wrote this you were not “nervous and excited” about seeing me tonight like you usually would be. Yet I also know that this morning you have asked three times what I am planning to do to you tonght – you can’t wait! And our TM exchange:
    pixie – my panties are distractingly wet.
    Richard – take them off.
    pixie – yes Sir.
    Richard – good girl

    Something tells me you are nervous and excited. And I cannot wait to see you.

    Tonight I am seeing you. I don’t have an appointment with you. I am seeing you. You will let me know when you can get free from work, and I will do my best to match that time. We will take whatever time we need. I will help you come back down to normal. I will send you home in a good place, and call you when I am home to send you to bed. All as it has been in the past. All this talk of times, and limits, and appointments….. I am seeing you tonight, as I always have. You will give me everything. I will take everything. I will leave you empty. Together, we will begin to refill you, get you past sub-drop, get you ready for another day of wonderful submission. It is a life cycle for you, as natural as the seasons, as regular as the sun and the moon. I will help you with it. It does not make you a bad sub.

    You have made much of the time I am “expected” to be home. Yet it is equally natural for L to ask, “when will you be home?” You must know that it is a relief for her to hear me say ” I will be home.” Does she not worry about “whether” as much as “when”? Have I not asked you “how late can you stay?” If nothing more than common courtesy to her (and of course there is more than common courtesy between us on all these matters), isn’t it natural for me to predict when I think I might be home? And having created an expectation, isn’t it then natural for me to try to meet that expectation? It is no different than your last post about my creating an expectation in you, and then not fulfilling it.

    I have created a different expectation for tonight, in response to the question. I have predicted when I will be home, but have added the necessary flexibility to avoid a repeat of last week. None of this should send you into dark despair, any more than my telling you I have to go back to work now – I can’t stay any longer. And I will give you what you need as the top priority.

    Your submission has grown. You are sensitive and easily bruised. I know you are both strong and fragile at the same time. Yes, change is hard. But you must understand and believe and hold onto your importance in my life, in my need for what you give me. Never more than now do I need your submission. It is such a good thing, I hate to see you question its value to me or to yourself. It defines you; it completes me. When you submit to me, WE become something whole and apart from everything else. We become “us.”

    I know that even as you chafe at “guidelines,” you need them and will thrive under them. And you, especially, will thrive from both aspects of guidelines – the part that places limits on you, as well as the part that protects and preserves your place in my life. Clarity, absence of ambiguity – these things bring peace to your submissive mind. They have from the day I met you. And here they will, I hope, also give you the reassurance that there is a place that is yours, a place for “us.”

    Hold tight, dear pixie, as we continue on this amazing journey, which keeps taking us places we could not, did not, imagine at the beginning. Do not question the value of your submission. Do not label yourself a bad sub. Hold tight, live it to the fullest, whatever time we are given, no regrets, not a moment sooner than necessary…….

  4. Hi goodgirl,
    I wanted to say one thing about your comment, or two things really.

    first, pixie does have some understanding of L’s pain, but her subject here is how she, pixie, feels, and her feelings are pretty natural too. If we posted L’s journal here, we would all see another side. While I have stated my intention not to talk much about that, I do appreciate that you and others of pixie’s readers can imagine it and empathize with L. I agree with you that she has the hardest row. And pixie knows it too, even if she sometimes focuses on her own pain.

    Second, please don’t think that pixie is giving me a guilt trip. No, that’s not quite what I am trying to say….. Let me start over – I have encouraged pixie to continue to write what she feels. What you see is what she feels, for better or worse, when she is writing. I know that sometimes how she feels changes from the start to the end of a post, or from the time she posts it to the time, minutes later, when she re-reads it, or from the time she posts it until the time she responds to someone’s comments. I have said ‘try not to be influenced by the fact that I am one of your readers.’ This blog is incredibly valuable to me as an insight into pixie’s mind, even as a snapshot which will change in an instant. So I have tried hard to absolve her from worry about the effect her words might have on me; i.e. don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I really need to know what she is feeling, even if it reflects badly on me, even if it might make me feel guilty, even if it might hurt my feelings.

    I guess that as I write this, it turns out I am really speaking to pixie, with goodgirl’s comment being the catalyst. goodgirl’s opinion is as valid as anyone’s, and both pixie and I welcome all the opinions expressed here. Just yesterday we both expressed amazement at the fact that pixie has the best readers and gets the best, most meaningful, most helpful comments!!

    So, back to pixie – even if goodgirl is right and you were handing me a guilt trip, I can deal with guilt, deserved or not, just as I can deal with whatever else you might be feeling, and I will continue to offer you whatever I can to allow you to write about how you feel as if I would never read it. I need that from you – not as much as you need to write it, obviously, but I need it nonetheless.

    Re-reading all the above, one last thought comes to mind. The quote that goodgirl points to is really something that has come from me. I may have said this already in a comment, but I am trying to get pixie and L to focus on what they are getting from me, not what the other person is getting. For example, L shouldn’t be concerned that when I am at the office, I call pixie every day. It doesn’t take away from L. I call her everyday too. I go home to her at night. I give her everything I am giving her, and I want her focus to be on whether that is enough, NOT whether I also call pixie every day. I hope that makes the quote more understandable.

    thank you all for your comments. pixie is in a meeting all day, and I’ll have her (ahem…) tied up tonight, but you know you will hear from her – and you know she loves to hear from you.

  5. There is a fine line between a good hurt and a bad hurt. Just make sure the bad hurts don’t add up and leave you broken.

  6. pixie, give yourself time to feel all of this process without stopping for too long in the ‘bad’. I for one and am anxious to hear about last night and how you fared at the mercy of your sadistic owner. How are you feeling this morning? Does the good outweigh the bad? Was Richard negelctful of your feelings and needs? Those are the questions that I hope you will answer today. I worried about you last night and spent several moments of my own lost marveling at being even minimally wrapped up in this drama. This is an example of the realest side of being human and the honesty and clarity that resounds in your voice is inspiring.
    I hope last night was uplifint and reaffirming Your submission is a terrible thing to waste. Richard must agree with me for I hear the same honesty and ‘raw’ emotion in his voice and in his comment to you and goodgirl.

  7. I admire pixie for allowing all comments to be entered into record here. It adds to the honest appeal of this blog. I also think that it encourages us to come to her defense though often her posts speak for themselves. An example- in reading pixies last post I do not think pixie placing ‘ ‘ around the word wife was negative. Was she not in fact showing her respect? We read it differently. I wonder pixie if that is truse. Do you feel respectful to her because of her role in Richards life? Would you in fact defer to her, submit to her? We (~A and I) did not feel as if she was taking away from the meaning of the word as much as she was drawing attention to it. As a matter of fact and we went back and read pixie has not said anything disrespectful of L. I imagine she wouldn’t for the simple reason that she respects her Owner and to show his wife disrespect is showing him disrespect. pixie is better than that and she has proved it time and time again.
    I often think that new readers stop in here and read a post or two and throw a comment in just to have something to say without knowing the entire scope of your relationship with Richard.
    Just my (our) opinion.

  8. isn’t my Dominant brilliant? 🙂
    But anyway pixie, you have our support and so does Richard. This is hard for all of you obviously but you are not coming across as selfish as much as you are in the natural pattern of what Richard requires of you. One does not just create this custom made submissive and then after many months attempt to rewire you. I do not see Richard doing that. Do not try to do that to yourself. You are so precious to Richard- that is obvious. My advice is to just revel in that and rejoice that you are owned by a much happier Dom.

  9. I think it’s important to remember that no matter how different and, perhaps, separate your relationship is with Richard as that from his wife you are still, in effect, sharing him. Something that, up until now, you haven’t really had to do except in theory.

    When the 3rd party is unaware of the other relationship, that couple has the feeling of being alone. Of being separate, isolated, cocooned in their own world. You don’t have that luxury anymore.

    You also had, as you point out, almost unlimited amount of his time. Now, you’re having to share and it doesn’t necessarily feel good or comfortable. That’s so very normal. Why would you feel good about it? You’re going from almost all to very little and controlled. Controlled by someone else. Not controlled by Richard.

    Anyway, I just want to point out that there are larger emotional themes here. And what you’re feeling doesn’t make you a bad anything. It makes you a normal person.



  10. Oh, no, Eve – controlled by me. No one else is controlling things here. If I give pixie less of my time, it is because I have allocated more of it to L because I have determined she needs it, not because she is controlling pixie or my time with her. Neither of them may see it that way; L makes demands, sometimes she gets what she demands, sometimes she doesn’t, but I am deciding which demands to meet and which not to meet, and I am doing it on the basis of my own evaluation as to what each person needs and wants, and what will work for all of us. Sometimes pixie feels like I am not in control, but just because I defer to a request from L doesn’t mean I’m not in control. It just means pixie doesn’t necessarily like my decision. But that is my job, to decide, and neither will like all of my decisions.

    If I may offer up a snapshot right now, at this very moment 10:30 a.m. EST, everyone is smiling, everyone seems secure in where we all are, all is right with the world. Is that amazing??!! Let’s see if it can last through the weekend!!

  11. Mike- As it turns out I’ve read this blog for ages.

    Just rarely feel the need to comment. In fact it’s only after I’ve read enough blogs where no one is saying something I think is pretty obvious do I step in and make a comment. And always with the reminder that it’s just my opinion.

    I think your point about Pixie being willing to submit to L- meaning she is feeling reverential, and respectful toward L is missing the point. Pixie already talked in another post about how she COULD find it erotic to submit to L if Richard asked. That sexual impulse is completely apart from the frusteration Pixie writes about in this blog. Assuming that becuase she could get off on being submissive in front of L , means she has no problems with L, just doesnt make sense. It proves nothing except that Pixie is submissive- which isn’t anything anyone would question at this point, is it?

    It’s an interesting assumption that the two things cancel eachother out. And it’s often what drives me to comment, that it seems that some readers here are so eager for the erotic titillation that hearing about anothers sexual exploits bring, that they comment only in the affirmative. Only in a way that supports more posts coming- with little thought about the real peoples emotions behind the erotic scenario.

    As I said in my post- I wish Pixie good things. But I also cant read a post that talks about another woman besides Pixie- who’s life has become very difficult of late, and not feel compassion for her. Perhaps it’s not as sexy to be supportive of the person thrust in this situation. Instead of patting the blog writer on her back no matter who is getting hurt.

    It may be that the rest of you never feel compelled to remind Pixie of the reality of the situation, and instead only say “supportive” things. As someone with quite a bit of schooling in psychology- I’d just submit an idea for you to mull over. ..

    Sometimes coddling can hurt a person far worse in the long run, then a few truthful words that don’t feel all warm and fuzzy at the time. Sometimes an honest response that isn’t all sunshine and daisy chains, can help give a perspective that no amount of pats on the back will ever do.

    I think Pixie is smart enough to take ALL comments with a grain of salt. And also to be able to handle comments that do not agree with everything she says. I think she can handle it . In fact I doubt she would have her blog set up in this way, if all she ever wanted was readers to say they agree with her.

  12. Mike….My Master and I have read Pixies blog for a while now, I have commented maybe three times in whole Master has not..We each form opinions correctly or wrongly based on what Pixie has posted here..We are very awared we are not getting the whole story.. If we didn’t care for Pixie,her thoughts and feelings we wouldn’t continue to read …

    As for “goodgirl” I think she made some very valid points at the same time goodgirl showns true concern for Pixie , Richard and L… One can’t see that as such a bad thing..

    Pixie I hope the best for you ..*.Hugs you tightly*

    Richard… Master said this in jest but there is some truth to it..”sometimes the best you can do for you submissives is to give them a good spanking, put them to bed let them think on their warm bottoms”……*smiles while rubbing my bottom* ..nothing grounds this one more!!!

    Best wishes for all..
    His fawn….

  13. his fawn, thank you for that good advice! It is absolutely clear that pixie needs a spanking every day. If only circumstances permitted….

  14. I have been reading her for awhile (and have commented before) so I feel pretty safe in commenting now without the assumption being made that I am a new reader and therefore have no clue. I agree with several of the points GoodGirl made in her comment. I would tend to feel most sympathetic to Richard’s wife and admire how she is responding to all of this (from what I have read).

    I also do not believe that Richard and Pixie want only positive comments. Wouldn’t that get pretty boring after awhile? I admire GoodGirl for risking the wrath of other commenters.

  15. We all have our different opinions and views on Pixie’s and Richard’s relationship right now, and that is exactly what they are, opinions. In reality, we are observers of a relationship, we have no emotional or physical connection to Richard or Pixie and what they are dealing with. We do not have to go through what they do, we have the gift of an “outsiders perspective” – they do not.

    And of course there are going to be posts here where people are supporting her and posts were people are thinking “Pixie, you are being so selfish” and the matter of the fact is, this is Pixie’s blog. She can write what she wants to as she owns the bloody thing. This is somewhere where she types our her thoughts and feelings, selfish or not, and leaves them there for people to pick over and comment on. To me that takes a lot of guts.

    Everyone is selfish. No one is completely selfless. That is a fact and I will challenge anyone who disputes that. We all want as much as we can get of a good thing; now whether that be the time of a married man who you have a deep bond with; or the biggest bag of Peanut Butter M&M’s you have ever seen that you keep on eating and eating, even though you feel sick, as they just taste so yummy (went to Florida 2 years ago and couldn’t get enough of the things)! And why is that bad? Why should we feel bad about wanting more of something that makes us feel good? Why should Pixie feel bad about wanting more of Richard’s time and not like the fact that she can not always get it? There is nothing wrong with that. I do not think that Pixie “forgets” how L must be feeling; her writing and Richard’s comments suggest that she is probably being harder on herself than our words here can ever be. Constantly battling with herself and her emotions – I do not think that any amount of “coddling” from readers can ease that!

    All we, as readers, can offer is hope. And I have read many comments here, good and bad, that always offer this and I believe that this is key. That is what makes a good blog for me; a writer who is not afraid to write how she feels, and readers who are not afraid to share their opinions, but do it with respect. The writer is Pixie, and the readers are us.

  16. I agree with Blush – GoodGirl has shown a lot of guts and her comments were very insightful. The kind of thing that really makes this blog worth reading. You really made me think some about things GoodGirl, and not just about this blog…………

  17. And I agree with Claire – we are fortunate in that you allow us to read your thoughts. You put it all out there (both of you) and allow us to offer our opinions. I would say the true brillance is being able to read an opposing point of view without trying to belittle the commenter. You (Richard and Pixie) never do that.

    I (as well as I would imagine most of your readers) only wish the best for you and truly hope all of this works out for you.

  18. i have read this post and all of its comments in full twice now. Some of this resonates crystal clear. Some of it does not. While i have been a major target of negativity, i do think good girl has good points; valid for those of us in thise position. The support that you receive is unparalleled and i really feel, much like DL and i, that you two are destined to have this sort of connection in some manner.

    Learning how to share fragments and become the supplement not the substitute or replacement is the difficult thing. i don’t have any of the rigth words, i don’t even know what to say, but if there’s anyone in the world who knows this debacle and crazy storm in a teacup whirlwind inside your pretty little mind & heart, it’s me.

    i wish you & Richard all the best during this fragile and complicated time. In the end, what you two discover together will outweigh the changes that you’re currently undergoing.

    Me? Complete opposite as you. As a MMFT, i am not known, do not know, do not ask, and will never know. It makes all of our special times incredible and not weighted in “well what about her”, you know? i try to stay positive about it.

    There is a reason that we all have each other in our lives. To you and all yours, all my very best.


  19. Thank you both for continuing to share your special journey with us. Not every relationship is meant to last forever and only the two of you will know when it’s time to say good bye. For a masochist it is very difficult to decide when the pain of continuing is worse than the pain of ending. That’s why the trust you place in Richard and the character he has shone during this phase of your relationship will help, as you can be sure he will, in fact, be very concerned with your emotional state and when continuing is doing you more harm than good. We, as readers, are viewing just a tiny part of your relationship, but the essence of you both is what makes for such fascinating reading and creates such strong responses from your readers, IMHO.

    I hope you enjoyed your time together and wish you both good luck as you travel this difficult path.


  20. That post was very sad,but so well written. The bit you wrote about “words wrapping themselves around your heart” was so evocative and expressive. I am like you,not because I am a sub,but because I also feel things very deeply too,in my life.
    Some of what you write may sound selfish,but does it matter? Its your journal for your thoughts and feelings. I am sure most peoples journals expressive honest,selfish thoughts from time to time. We are all human.
    I totally agree with what Eve wrote above too.
    Thinking of you,and hoping you will feel in a better “space” soon.
    You really are an excellent writer,you know.

  21. Having done some psychiatary myself,I also totally agree with what Good girl said here:

    Sometimes coddling can hurt a person far worse in the long run, then a few truthful words that don’t feel all warm and fuzzy at the time. Sometimes an honest response that isn’t all sunshine and daisy chains, can help give a perspective that no amount of pats on the back will ever do.

    Thats sooo true!

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