I have spent a lot of time over the past couple weeks trying to pin-point exactly why I feel the sand shifting beneath my feet. I know that fundamentally life hasn’t changed with Richard. He is still my Dominant. I am still his submissive. He still has every intention of taking me, using me, and hurting me. As far as that goes nothing has changed.
It’s more that our situation is different, not our feelings for each other and not my place in his life. Well….maybe my place in his life is somewhat different. From my perspective it is exceeding and increasing different….though he is trying hard to convince me otherwise. A new place doesn’t always mean worse…it doesn’t always mean better either. I used to think I was pretty resilient, that change didn’t matter that much to me. I am finding though that any change directed towards this relationship or if I feel the change threatens my submission (which I have grown to value so much as an intricate part of my personality) I reject it, I fight it and I tend to pick all the little negatives out and leave the positives in the bowl. Richard has called me on that and I am aware that it a problem for me.
I think that not unlike other submissives I feel things on a deeper level, feelings and events and words have a way of wrapping themselves around my heart and staying there. I wound easily, bruise easily and for all my strength I am feeling this soft sort of almost fragile part emerge. In my mind it is soft in my hands as I hold it up to him as I sit and wait to see what it is he will do with it.
It makes me sensitive…needy at times and paranoid of slipping off this ladder that is holding my head only slightly above water. Right now it is a blend of feelings that are pulling at me and their voices are getting louder and louder. They have somehow wormed their way into the part of my psyche that makes me question if this is still good for me. I have never questioned if Richard was good for me. I know he has questioned it but I have always stepped up to defend what we have, all that we give and take from each other has always spoken for itself. Now I am finding that my submission to him, while still making me feel strong and directed internally, right here on the superficial surface I am questioning my worth. Some of the importance has been silenced. Am I less his submissive and more of a convenience to him all of a sudden? I wonder to myself…and I hate, hate, hate the feeling that comes with wondering that. I don’t like my shifting faith, the feelings that I slide down into when I do not have touch with him….you know, when my ‘appointment’ is over. Today I am wondering- what is my true role with him? I have all my feelings for him in one bag and for all our sakes this is the bag that I am trying to keep closed. At the same time I am desperately trying to refill the bag that holds my submission, my deference, my longing and desire for him. For this bag is the bag he can carry around with him. This is the bag he can open and show L the contents of …..when really all I want is one bag. Is there a way to have only one bag?
I am seeing him tonight. I am not sitting here nervous and excited the way I typically would before seeing him. Our world is less naturally constructed and I am finding it is hard to understand. It is hard to throw myself into something that is rising up to meet me from the bottom. I am so scared that I will stand in front of him and know that I can’t do it. That there is nothing there to pull from because deep inside me I know there is nothing there to refill it with. He told me to trust him. He will take what he needs; he will give me what I need. I trust him…but what if what he can give and what I need are incompatible…what if they in fact negatively bounce off each other leaving us both ducking. I am so afraid of feeling the way I felt last week. I am so afraid that he will empty me and leave me empty and never even know it.
I feel like an appointment. Tonight I am an appointment, we have an appointment. We have ‘L’ designed guidelines now that are constructing the confines of our relationship. I think guidelines are necessary, I think ground rules are necessary. I want them to keep myself grounded, to allow myself enough time and energy to enter into a relationship with a man that will place no limits on me, a man who will want and need me to be woven into every aspect of his life. So yes, rules are necessary. But they need to help, not hurt. Right now they are hurting. They are hurting me and they are chipping away at what I know I can offer him. I feel as if they are carelessly made to offer a shallow reassurance…doing more harm than good all around. It takes nothing from her and only provides her the satisfaction and reassurance that she is taking something from me.
Here is the deal for now….here is our relationship ‘guidelines’. I see Richard one evening a week and then we lunch together one day a week. I have access to him via phone/ text message all week throughout the day but will respect her right to have her husband to herself in the evenings and on the weekends. All of this I can accept. Even the weekend deal simply because it is right….it is fair and she deserves that time with Richard uncluttered by me. Now though there are limits upon limits….imagine the Dr. Seuss book where every time the cat takes off his hat there is another ‘thing’ on his head over and over again until there are a little red ‘things’ all in a shaky tower? That is how I feel….as if every time a hat is lifted there is another hat. For example….there is a specific time she is going to expect him home. I may have him four hours….and maybe I should be grateful for that. And the good girl submissive in me is saying that I should be, that four hours is plenty of time for him to take what he needs, that four hours is more than I would have on an evening if the decision was never made to tell her. But then the bad girl submissive is rearing up and feels indignant. She doesn’t want her submission to be micromanaged…she doesn’t want her one evening with her Owner to be spent watching the clock. I have gracefully conceded to her right to set boundaries and Richard’s responsibility to go slowly with her through this acceptance process…so why is the idea of tonight and there being a time limit so horrible for me. Why am I so tempted to say…Richard, I can’t do this….I am too scared that I will feel broken and sad and lonely afterwards?
So bad sub….good sub….their voices whisper.
And who wins? The bad girl of course…and maybe because I am a horrible sub. Maybe because what I have with Richard is too meaningful for me to let it drip away until it is a puddle only reflecting back the negative? Or most likely because I am a submissive who misses her Dominant…I miss having him for hours and hours and for days at a time and without that I feel torn in small pieces. Does all that make me selfish? Perhaps…perhaps even unapologetically selfish. I feel as if the hard part is over, it is behind us. L knows about me and she has accepted me into her world and into Richard’s world…..yet why do I feel like such with acceptance brings avoidance and change.